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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bathing your kid twice a day .... is it me? Am I an evil step mother.

337 replies

lickencivers · 17/04/2019 21:05

I’ve gained two lovely step children. One of which suffers from pretty horrific eczema. Especially on hands (all cracked open at the knuckles etc). Whilst I have dry skin myself I have zero experience of this sort of stuff with my own DC.

DP and their mum seem to be using a lot of steroid based cream and epiderm but it doesn’t do a thing to ease him.

I’ve suggested alternative things (like putting porridge oats in a sock in the bath) as helped the itching when Mine had chicken pox etc

However, they bath their kids normally twice a day. If not twice then definitely religiously every night. Without fail. Gina Ford babies —I didn’t do routine either— any way. Any help or advice? Because I’m getting ulcers biting my tongue.

OP posts:
pinkboa · 17/04/2019 22:00

I was told to bath my son twice a day...and apply his cream

Are you privy to the medical advice they were given? If not YABU.

ladyflower23 · 17/04/2019 22:02

How often do they go swimming? The chlorine on top of shower on top of bath will be drying them out so much! What reason have the parents given you for why they think this amount or washing is necessary. Like others, I have a DC who had eczema and was advised by GP to bath him 2 or 3 times per week. Not sure if you know but Epiderm can be melted by heating up and added to the bath water to cleanse without drying the skin out so much.

Vinorosso74 · 17/04/2019 22:04

Oh and yes Cetraben is a good all over moisturiser. Not greasy which seems to exacerbate the problem.
Also is there a printed out/paper copy of advise from GP/eczema nurse?? Avoiding swimming in chlorinated pools is wise.

Rosti1981 · 17/04/2019 22:04

DD had dreadful eczema on her arms and the things that helped were: dead sea salts in the bath and 100% cotton clothes. But the thing that has helped most of all is me getting really, really lax and lazy about bathtime full stop. She now has a bath once or twice a week only and it is SO much better!

goodwinter · 17/04/2019 22:11

This is not a parenting issue it’s a welfare issue. Eczema can be horrendous, steroid creams have terrible side effects.

Spot on. I had severe eczema as a child, badly enough to land me in hospital. Twice a day baths would have made me crack and bleed constantly. It's very likely the mother is making her child's skin condition much worse and I feel so bad for this kid.

Oatmeal baths are a great idea, OP - they used to help me a lot.

BertieBotts · 17/04/2019 22:11

Does he go to the child's medical appointments? I think I would put pressure on him to bring up the baths to the doctors directly and ask their advice.

It's likely the doctor/specialist will agree not too many baths which mum may or may not follow, but might give your DP strength to follow when they are with you.

goodwinter · 17/04/2019 22:13

Oh and if she's overusing the steroids to compensate for the damage that overbathing is doing, the child could end up with serious topical steroid withdrawal that has all sorts of horrible side effects.

www.racgp.org.au/afp/2016/june/topical-corticosteroid-addiction-and-withdrawal-%E2%80%93-an-overview-for-gps/

DrowsyDragon · 17/04/2019 22:14

My daughter’s routine for her eczema is a daily bath plus aveeno first thing in the morning and last at night. She swims once a week and gets flare ups only with temperature changes. We regularly go six weeks without needing the steroids. But epiderm was a nightmare for us did nothing. I think they need to go back to the drs and maybe get different creams. Twice is probably excessive but once a day was recommended to us. And works.

Thegoodthere · 17/04/2019 22:16

Why is the mother so obsessed with baths?

goodwinter · 17/04/2019 22:17

If they want multiple drama filled bathtumes daily, let them crack on

It's not drama. It's a child in pain. Christ.

hsegfiugseskufh · 17/04/2019 22:20

Two baths a day wont help eczema. It will make it worse. I had it throughout childhood and actually soaking it in a bath frequently doesnt help. Your suggestion of oats is a good one.

I can highly reccomend childs farm baby moisturizer. Really really good.

Drogosnextwife · 17/04/2019 22:26

Why are they doing this to their child! Have you said any of this to the mother OP? Ask your DP why on earth he wants his child to suffer more!

Acis · 17/04/2019 22:27

Does your partner know who the dermatologist is? It could be worth getting him to phone them to get their views on the whole bathing issue.

SeaToSki · 17/04/2019 22:30

Are they looking for what is causing the excema? Often it is an allergy, my ds was severely allergic to dust mites and had horrific excema. Once we controlled the dust mites, his excema virtually vanished. Maybe a trip to a paed allergist would be helpful (they might also advise regarding the bathing so that the parents will listen)

keepforgettingmyusername · 17/04/2019 22:32

I think the most recent advice is that bathing daily or more is good for some types of eczema now. I know my friend said it worked for her daughter but I can't say I know any more than that. But they could well have been advised to wash that regularly.

mathanxiety · 17/04/2019 22:33

Since you have the children half the time you need to go to future doctor appointments and so does your DH.

When is the next one scheduled?

Can DH schedule one and get the mother to go with the two of you?

Nofunkingworriesmate · 17/04/2019 22:38

The op is coming from a place Of concern and. Wanting what is best for a poor kid who hates his bedtime routine
No one should bite their tongue in these circumstances but it should come from dad and he needs to grow a pair as he is parenting 50% of the time
We were told by doc to stop bathing or newborn and slather in cream twice a day, it turned out to be an allergy to washing powder

TurquoiseDress · 17/04/2019 22:43

OP YANBU!

Bathing twice a day is surely going to make the skin more irritated and just perpetuate the itch/scratch cycle (my brother had severe eczema as a child)

If they are with you and DP for 50% of the time, I would absolutely not be bathing them on that schedule...surely the evidence is out there that shows that it is not beneficial to do this?

Poor children, also sounds like they need a review with their GP/dermatologist if things are flaring up/not getting under control

It all sounds a bit tricky in terms of family dynamics, but at the end of the day the children' health/well-being comes first, and if something is exacerbating the problem then surely it needs changing

Original poster
lickencivers · 17/04/2019 22:45

Thank you for all the replies.

Catagorically can’t attend medical appointments with them as she won’t speak to me at all. She has MH issues and is struggling. Not sure what obsession with bath time is but it’s like a religious necessity every night.

Kids are both under 6

Swim at least twice a week.

I will print off all the reports ive found and physically present them to DP.

OP posts:
Pinkpanther473 · 17/04/2019 22:48

What a tough situation to be in. I and dh kind of figured that when dsd is with us we have parental responsibility and might make choices different from when she is with her mum.
If they are with you 1/2 the week, I don’t see why your advice is not being followed, at least when they are in your home- very frustrating.

From my own experience dd was in a bad way with eczema all over her body and the thing that made the most difference for us (and has kept it at a much lower level for the past 3 years) was limiting baths to once a week and washing with emollient only. Oats in bath also helped in the beginning.
Dh sometimes queries the bath thing but she has flannel washes in between and her skin is actually in a good way so I stick to it. YANBU at all!!

OstrichRunning · 17/04/2019 22:48

It's very hard to understand. Do you know what the reasoning is behind the two baths a day? I agree with pp who suggested getting dp to speak to other health care professionals about this - you need an objective expert voice confirming what you've been saying. Good luck.

kateandme · 17/04/2019 22:49

could you perhaps word it like "ive been doing some research on what we can do with the kids as they are really struggling with their exzma sometimes aren't they,and I wanted to see what I could do to help."list a few other things and then "looks also like having less baths might help as water ive seen people say makes it so much worse?what do you think?"

flouncypants · 17/04/2019 22:52

Skin needs natural oils on it, bathing twice a day + steroid cream will not be helping, maybe try baths every other day??

My DSS has eczema and the cold weather makes it a lot worse so hopefully now the weather is getting better the skin will ease up

Maybe get some oilatum from the chemist as it's good for soothing skin and you can get it in bath additive form x

Hope it improves x

cauliflowersqueeze · 17/04/2019 22:52

It’s actually horrific. She might have MH issues but I assume the dad doesn’t. Him standing by and continuing this ridiculous ritual despite the pain they are in is, in my opinion, really abusive.

Original poster
lickencivers · 17/04/2019 22:55

Yep so I got the kids to make porridge bombs. All of them got one each made out of odd socks and they spooned the oats in themselves. Then we drew faces on them etc. DP looked bemused but I told the kids it was a slime bomb for the bath. They loved them. There skin wasn’t itchy when out of bath that night and I suggested if they have a bath every other night for a trial or not at all as would have been bathed at mums - use the oat slime bombs. He sort of nods along and then ignores me and baths them out of habit I think. She definitely had them in a very very strict routine where as I am very very laid back —lazy— and DP does what he always did as he knows no different and he’s scared of her as the threats to withold kids from contact if they aren’t returned bathed ready for bed etc.

OP posts: