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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think his ex-wife-son are taking us for too much

335 replies

Shesonlyworth30 · 17/04/2019 21:04

Long time lurker, first time poster. It’s a long one so apologies in advance.

Been with my DF for almost 7 years, have a 3 (almost 4) yr old and getting married in the summer.

DF was married before (to C - she was also married before and had 2 other sons (both older) and has one son with DF (16 this year) who lives with C in Scotland. DF has never not paid for his son, he even chose to have it deducted straight from wages when CSA were in charge. He didn’t trust C and wanted there to be a proper paper trail if ever she decided to say she never received anything. Since we have been together the payments have been just shy of £200. I have never had a problem with him paying for his son.

C has never let DF speak to son or see him since he was 3. She tried to kill herself a few times (once when pregnant and once when son was born) so DF took parental responsibility for her 2 older sons and their own while she was sectioned. They split up when son was 3 and she told a court it would be detrimental to her mental health to allow DF custody and access. Court agreed. (DF living in north of England at this point and C in Scotland)

Fast forward to last year. CMS took over from CSA and they re-assesses him and told him his payments would need to be £500 a month. We argued that this was a massive increase. They said it was because of what he earned. However they were taking overtime into account which we said was wrong. His overtime was not guaranteed and he did that to pay for our wedding/holidays etc. They said they were right. He went to court and while the judge was sympathetic said there was nothing they could do. He even tried showing them that if he had a basic month, with no overtime, paid the mortgage (a not unreasonable £660) gas, elec etc he physically would not have enough to pay the CMS. They didn’t care. They don’t take household expenses into account. He then said he had another child to support (ours) they said they had allowed £30 pcm for her. £30 bloody quid. That’s not even a day in nursery.

Because C doesn’t want him to know where she is she wants everything doing through the CMS so he has to pay their admin charge (extra £83 pm) and now we are in a vicious cycle. He worked more OT last year to pay her and still have money for our savings but because he earned more he now has to pay more this year £634 pcm!!!!

I’m fed up with it. My daughter doesn’t have £634 a month spent on her from her dad. I expected his payments to go up but AIBU to think this is grossly unfair and there is a fundamental flaw in this thinking. Surely if CMS believe 2 children should cost £664 then that money should be split between the 2?

His son can leave school at any time now but we know she won’t tell us so this could be ongoing for another 4 years because there isn’t a doubt in my mind she’ll make son stay at school if she’s getting £550 odd quid a month. Oh and she’s back with her first husband!! 🤬🤬

OP posts:
Whodafeck · 18/04/2019 09:15

If 634 is 15% then he’s getting 4226 a month.

Whodafeck · 18/04/2019 09:17

So either he has arrears, or he earns £50,720 a year.

tashac89 · 18/04/2019 09:25

There's something very off with this. I work with a lot of divorced parents. One dad in particular was allowed to see his son after putting the mother in hospital because he's never hurt his child. Sorry but i call bullshit. Either he can't be bothered to fight for access or something happened to not allow it. Always 3 sides to a story and you're only getting his.

My eldest is going up to comp soon. His uniform alone is costing me £340. Then I have to factor in food, travel to and from school, school trips - especially the one in the second year to America that is costing more than my monthly rent. It's life with kids. I wish more parents that aren't around would have to contribute more.

DantesInferno · 18/04/2019 09:26

Based on www.uktaxcalculators.co.uk/reverse-tax-calculator-result.php

Reverse Tax Result
You would need an annual salary before tax of £68,045.76 to achieve a monthly take home pay of £4,000.00 after tax

Reverse Tax Result
You would need an annual salary before tax of £72,721.56 to achieve a monthly take home pay of £4,226.00 after tax

OP says partner is on £32k.... that's a hell of a boost with overtime, unless there is anything else going on? I wonder if she has seen his payslips?

Ginger1982 · 18/04/2019 09:27

Hmm...as a former family lawyer in Scotland I find it staggering that a judge would tell a father who had residence of not only his own child but also 2 stepkids that he was then banned from seeing his own child...something more to this definitely!

DantesInferno · 18/04/2019 09:28

hen I have to factor in food, travel to and from school, school trips - especially the one in the second year to America that is costing more than my monthly rent. It's life with kids

er no, we are comfortable in my household, relatively high earning, but our dc didn't do the expensive trips to America with the school, they did the end of primary yr6 camp style trips, but you don't have to send them to expensive school trips.

BirthdayKake · 18/04/2019 09:33

OP, I doubt you're still reading this, but come on, open your eyes and be careful!

I know this sounds vulgar but I honestly believe that some men are only really bothered about the children of the woman they're currently sharing a bed with...

archivearmadillo · 18/04/2019 09:34

He's not telling you the truth about something, especially about why he doesn't see his son.

First responsibility is always to the first children. If a parent cannot afford to support children they already have they are utter selfish shots to go on and have more children in a new relationship.

Children cost a damn sight more that £600 per month when you include accommodation, bills, food, transport - anyone claiming that they cost less is only factoring in clothes and non essentials and ignoring accommodation, heating, electricity, water bills, getting around, anything subsidised by the state or other family members.

User987654433 · 18/04/2019 09:38

"I know this sounds vulgar but I honestly believe that some men are only really bothered about the children of the woman they're currently sharing a bed with..."

Completly agree with this^^

CanILeavenowplease · 18/04/2019 09:38

My point is people don’t magically have more money when they have more children. Circumstances change sometime and people have to adapt. Sometimes that might mean NRP receive less CSM but presumably they wouldn’t be relying solely on that to care for their child

Seriously? That the other parent has their own income makes it ok to expect them to pick up any shortfall for your joint child when you make a decision to have another child with someone else?

Let’s reverse it: my partner and I have had a child. WIBU to ask my ex for an extra £10 a week cos we’re a bit short with the extra child?

User987654433 · 18/04/2019 09:41

Collect and pay is seriously hard to get on you need to be repeatedly refusing to pay they let you refuse for months and months its at real detriment to the child.

tashac89 · 18/04/2019 09:43

No they don't have to go on expensive trips. But the trips are there and I will be sending mine as he wants to go and it's a good experience for him. And whether you choose to let your kids go on those trips, its still expensive to raise a child.

Shitonthebloodything · 18/04/2019 09:47

I'm sure this has all been said but I'll chime in to add
It's really not easy to stop contact with a parent who persues contact. In fact, it's really bloody hard even when there's very good reason. I had a restraining order against my ex, there were many, many concerns and he still got contact.

An arrangement for regular maintenance pay wants leaves a paper trail regardless. Attachment of earnings are a punishment for non payment not a handy little tool you can choose to use.

For a hike of £400 ish there must have been years of under payments going on, noone gets payrises like that overnight.

Maintenance payments are for the child. It's completely acceptable for it to contribute to the running of the home the child lives in. It's none of your business how it's spent or the family set up.

You have been mislead OP. I think you should do much more digging before you marry this man.

AliceRR · 18/04/2019 09:50

Seriously? That the other parent has their own income makes it ok to expect them to pick up any shortfall for your joint child when you make a decision to have another child with someone else?

I’m sorry if my point wasn’t clear. Not sure how else to phrase it. The fact is when people have more children there is less money to go around, whether that’s a family that’s all in one house or where there are children resident in different homes. It’s not necessarily a case of someone picking up the shortfall but that each child might get less spent on them. Rent etc would all be the same but the parent shouldn’t be relying solely on CSM for that as she would need to pay basic rent and bills anyway.

Let’s reverse it: my partner and I have had a child. WIBU to ask my ex for an extra £10 a week cos we’re a bit short with the extra child?

I don’t really understand your point here but yes you would be unreasonable

My whole point was in response to someone saying CSM shouldn’t go down when the paying parent has more children. Of course it should if it meant another child wasn’t being provided for. It’s just a way of ensuring all children are provided for and may mean there is less to go around.

combatbarbie · 18/04/2019 09:50

Stop the overtime and ask for a variation. How do the courts propose he finds out when the payments stop as in when he leaves school which he can this year? This isn't a get out clause, when my DHs kids left education we gave them a monthly (lower) allowance direct to them as we knew mum never spent the money on it's intended purpose

Catchingbentcoppers · 18/04/2019 09:54

You don't 'know' anything about this woman. Only what you're been told and what you've heard.

It seems he did not fight for access to his son, it doesn't matter where he lives. And why on earth should payments reduce because he had another baby with you? If he couldn't afford it, he shouldn't have had another child. There are so many holes in this tale ...

nauseous5000 · 18/04/2019 10:05

OP do some research. Some proper research, not Mumsnet. Look on the CMS website, read some court judgments, ask to see the letters from CMS with the cost breakdown. There are so many holes in this story and you should know the truth before you marry, for your own DD if not for yourself

PositiveVibez · 18/04/2019 10:08

Ignore the vipers, OP. There are some very spiteful women on here who love attacking step mothers. Bitter and twisted

She's not a step mum. You can't be a step mum to a kid you've never met and who his dad hasn't seen in 13 years because in truth, he couldn't be arsed.

itsnotso · 18/04/2019 10:12

Why do so many new partners/wives think the money is lining the pockets of the ex? Kids cost a fortune to raise! Childcare, uniforms, rent, water, council tax, school trips, the list is endless. And god forbid they be hungry!! I get £260 a month for my children and it barely touches the sides of what they cost, yet I'm supposed to be grateful that I receive something - I've gone 9 years with nothing and ex has arrears of £18k.

I'm afraid your partner needs to pay what is expected of him. The mothers lifestyle choices are nothing to do with you. If the CMS have determined that's how much he should pay, then you need to alter your lifestyles accordingly.

headinhands · 18/04/2019 10:19

honestly believe that some men are only really bothered about the children of the woman they're currently sharing a bed with..."

And some of them don't really care about their own kids then. Until we are less tolerant none of this will change. And change has to include women not buying into their partners fantasy of why they're still an award winning parent even though they don't see their kids.

Op could it be that dp wasn't stumping up the maintenance until he realised it would make you think he was a shit have you seen evidence of money over the course of the sons lifetime? I ask this because I know a guy who only bothered to visit his dc because his new gf was rightly disgusted with him when it was apparent he didn't give a shit.

mushlett · 18/04/2019 10:24

The things people believe when it is convenient to do so is mind blowing.
So many holes in this story. He’s clearly paying so much because he’s in arrears. No contact with his son is disgusting and why anyone would have a child with a man who does that is insanity. Also there’s contact with family members who know the intricate details of this woman’s financial situation but not her sons surname or where he lives?
I can’t get my head around how anyone could possibly believe his story, it’s beyond ridiculous.

headinhands · 18/04/2019 10:30

I reckon, despite her protests, that op is having a very uncomfortable with her dp. Or will be soon.

headinhands · 18/04/2019 10:32

This happens so often. Op says dp doesn't/can't have contact because the ex is unhinged and yet the dp is okay not being in their life.

That makes your dp doubly shit, not less.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 18/04/2019 10:34

I reckon, despite her protests, that op is having a very uncomfortable with her dp. Or will be soon.

Nah, it’ll be business as usual. None of what is being said here is news to OP. She’ll have had a fair idea for ages, she knows her husband. She’s happy to ignore his behaviour to his child and play the victim of the evil ex. I’ve seen it far too many times.

CanILeavenowplease · 18/04/2019 10:41

And some of them don't really care about their own kids then. Until we are less tolerant none of this will change. And change has to include women not buying into their partners fantasy of why they're still an award winning parent even though they don't see their kids

I agree but wanted to add there are many, many NRPs out there that see their children regularly but don’t support them financially, largely due to self employment. My ex will do all, he needs to do to be seen as a ‘good dad’: turn up at parent’s evening, see the children, take them to activities etc etc. all the while laughing in my face at how he doesn’t have to pay anything. No end of women happy to stand by him (and have him support their children). He is not a good dad.