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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think his ex-wife-son are taking us for too much

335 replies

Shesonlyworth30 · 17/04/2019 21:04

Long time lurker, first time poster. It’s a long one so apologies in advance.

Been with my DF for almost 7 years, have a 3 (almost 4) yr old and getting married in the summer.

DF was married before (to C - she was also married before and had 2 other sons (both older) and has one son with DF (16 this year) who lives with C in Scotland. DF has never not paid for his son, he even chose to have it deducted straight from wages when CSA were in charge. He didn’t trust C and wanted there to be a proper paper trail if ever she decided to say she never received anything. Since we have been together the payments have been just shy of £200. I have never had a problem with him paying for his son.

C has never let DF speak to son or see him since he was 3. She tried to kill herself a few times (once when pregnant and once when son was born) so DF took parental responsibility for her 2 older sons and their own while she was sectioned. They split up when son was 3 and she told a court it would be detrimental to her mental health to allow DF custody and access. Court agreed. (DF living in north of England at this point and C in Scotland)

Fast forward to last year. CMS took over from CSA and they re-assesses him and told him his payments would need to be £500 a month. We argued that this was a massive increase. They said it was because of what he earned. However they were taking overtime into account which we said was wrong. His overtime was not guaranteed and he did that to pay for our wedding/holidays etc. They said they were right. He went to court and while the judge was sympathetic said there was nothing they could do. He even tried showing them that if he had a basic month, with no overtime, paid the mortgage (a not unreasonable £660) gas, elec etc he physically would not have enough to pay the CMS. They didn’t care. They don’t take household expenses into account. He then said he had another child to support (ours) they said they had allowed £30 pcm for her. £30 bloody quid. That’s not even a day in nursery.

Because C doesn’t want him to know where she is she wants everything doing through the CMS so he has to pay their admin charge (extra £83 pm) and now we are in a vicious cycle. He worked more OT last year to pay her and still have money for our savings but because he earned more he now has to pay more this year £634 pcm!!!!

I’m fed up with it. My daughter doesn’t have £634 a month spent on her from her dad. I expected his payments to go up but AIBU to think this is grossly unfair and there is a fundamental flaw in this thinking. Surely if CMS believe 2 children should cost £664 then that money should be split between the 2?

His son can leave school at any time now but we know she won’t tell us so this could be ongoing for another 4 years because there isn’t a doubt in my mind she’ll make son stay at school if she’s getting £550 odd quid a month. Oh and she’s back with her first husband!! 🤬🤬

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 18/04/2019 05:46

Sorry, OP, but I have to join in. If his ex is as mad as he claims, why would he walk away and leave his three-year-old son in her care, without even keeping an eye out for the lad?

It would have been hard enough to leave my child with someone who would be a good parent, but no way on earth but, to abandon a child of mine to someone who I thought not going to be a good parent, and all so that I could work the shifts that my employer wanted me to do?

PositiveVibez · 18/04/2019 06:05

Of course he could have made the time but the nature of his job is being on call (and at the time was 2 weeks on call, 2 weeks off call) and working all over the country. He also didn’t want to have to cancel/change plans last min and give her any more ammo

Plus he didn't want to upset his 3 yo son initially after the break up.

Oooh he sounds selfless. NOT.

How does a court offer sole access to someone who has just got out of a mental health facility. You're deluded and a bit gullible sorry.

ScrewyMcScrewup · 18/04/2019 06:46

Give it a few years and OP will be the one raising a child on her own while "DF" is telling his new girlfriend that she's a mental scrounger who won't let him see his kid.

kbPOW · 18/04/2019 07:12

The lies are so blatant. OP if you'd even googled any of his 'explanations' you'd know they were complete bollocks. Your own comments and opinions are awful. No wonder you got this response.

adaline · 18/04/2019 07:14

I wonder if OP will come back and respond to any of this.

People who abandon or don't bother with their children do not make good life partners - I wonder why so many women fail to see that.

CanILeavenowplease · 18/04/2019 07:53

ladies on here have been fortunate enough not to have to deal with or witness an ex who has successfully alienated a child/children from a lingering and dedicated father

A dedicated father doesn’t disappear for 13 years and make excuses like ‘I have to work’ as to why he has never pursued the matter through court. Neither do dedicated fathers neglect to tell the CSA about pay rises or get themselves in arrears. Dedicated fathers don’t leave vulnerable 3 year olds with soc- called mentally ill mothers and slag off the mother to anyone who will listen and who is gullible enough to believe his story telling.

Ex hasn’t had the opportunity to alienate his son. In fact, for all the OP and her partner know, the now 16 year old is desperate for a relationship with his dad. Only dad can’t be bothered to keep up even minimal contact.

kbPOW · 18/04/2019 08:10

CMS are also very keen to avoid Collect and Pay where the surcharges apply. Even with recalcitrant non-payers, they are always trying to step down the payment method. If he is on Collect and Pay it's because he is uncooperative in making payments by the less invasive methods. You need to give your head a wobble regarding the 'overtime is for our wedding' bollocks. He has to pay a relatively small proportion of ALL his income to support the child he produced and has not contributed to raising. I don't know if you are real, but if you are, you're an absolute shocker.

DantesInferno · 18/04/2019 08:15

and it does go to her to spend accordingly is £400 more than she was getting before, so disposable income

That's not how it works...Hmm

She also has a lower earning power as she is either paying for childcare or not going out to work

DantesInferno · 18/04/2019 08:16

What a shitty shitty user name if it is in reference to her
Shesonlyworth30

KnobJockey · 18/04/2019 08:16

OP, I'm not going to get into the ins and outs of your situation, but I will say that CMS will reassess on current income if it drops by 25% or more. So if his current payment is based on 32k (which I don't think adds up to your sums, but hey ho), how much is his basic, without overtime? If it is £26k or below, all he needs to do is simply stop doing the overtime, and request a recalculation based on new wages. However, that means that he won't be able to do overtime to help you either- it works both ways

Stressedout10 · 18/04/2019 08:28

Dante I suspect that the ops username is about her daughter and the judge saying that they took £30 per month from his income before they calculated the 15% that he pays in support.
She keeps claiming that her dd is only getting £30 per month for dd and ignoring the fact she has £30 over 85% of his wage.
Also since page 1 of this thread myself and other pps have been telling her that her oh story doesn't add up but she just posts more vile disablist bs trying to sanctify her oh and demonise the poor exw.
Op wake up and smell the coffee, this is your future life

DantesInferno · 18/04/2019 08:44

@Stressedout10 oh of course, thanks!!!

ZazieTheBruce · 18/04/2019 08:48

YABU. You know you are being unreasonable.

AuntieCJ · 18/04/2019 08:55

Ignore the vipers, OP. There are some very spiteful women on here who love attacking step mothers. Bitter and twisted.

Surely he won't have to pay once the child is 16? I hope that's the case.

CanILeavenowplease · 18/04/2019 09:00

Surely he won't have to pay once the child is 16? I hope that's the case

Did your/will your child stop needing a roof over it’s head, food, clothing etc on their 16th birthday?

AliceRR · 18/04/2019 09:01

Personally I also think it's a joke that nrps can get maintenance reduced if they have more children. The older children don't suddenly need less because their parent decides to procreate again.

In any family it i often the case that, when more children come along, there is less for the elder ones. I was one of two children for my parents. When my younger brother was born, my parents (who are still together), didn’t suddenly earn more, they just split what they had between two of us. It might have meant they spent less on me than they did when I was an only child. I think that’s natural.

CanILeavenowplease · 18/04/2019 09:03

Sigh. Your parents were together. They didn’t make a decision that would I,pact the income of another household. Simp,y put, when maintenance is reduced you are expecting your ex to make up the difference.

redexpat · 18/04/2019 09:05

Question: Why does he need to go through the CMS to have a papertrail? If there was a standing order set up he would be able to prove that he had made payments by showing bank statrments.

redexpat · 18/04/2019 09:08

Oh and just seen that your DSS is 16 so only 2 more years of payments.

Whodafeck · 18/04/2019 09:09

Exactly red. He’s on collect and pay because he’s unreliable with paying.

AliceRR · 18/04/2019 09:10

£634 a month is a lot if he is only earning £32K

In my experience CSM calculations can be unfair sometimes and favour the receiving party but if your partner (I don’t knwo what “DF” is) actually earns more than £32K generally then it is kind of fair that that’s the amount the assessment is done on

Having said that I agree with:

Ppl are talking about the mortgage/rent and heating costs etc.. Surely she'd have to pay for a roof over her head without DS being there.

DantesInferno · 18/04/2019 09:11

@AuntieCJ Ignore the vipers, OP. There are some very spiteful women on here who love attacking step mothers. Bitter and twisted.

i'm not a step mum, and my dc don't have one either, however, if they ever do get a sm, then I hope she would be more reasonable than the OP.
I don't know how it works, but the pp say its 15%, and if he is paying 15% which is £600, he is taking home £4000 - so how are you struggling on that? how is that not enough for you and your dc? and if its not £4000 takehome, why is he having to pay as if it is.

Surely he won't have to pay once the child is 16? I hope that's the case

oh yes, when the child reaches 16 they magically provide for themselves Hmm

and another thing, why the fuck did he abandon his DC....?

AliceRR · 18/04/2019 09:13

Sigh. Your parents were together. They didn’t make a decision that would I,pact the income of another household. Simp,y put, when maintenance is reduced you are expecting your ex to make up the difference.

Or they make do.

My point is people don’t magically have more money when they have more children. Circumstances change sometime and people have to adapt. Sometimes that might mean NRP receive less CSM but presumably they wouldn’t be relying solely on that to care for their child.

headinhands · 18/04/2019 09:13

You had a child with a man who was doing nothing to have contact with his dc? Imagine how that will feel to him.

My friend briefly dated two guys who didn't see their kid because their ex 'is a psycho'. How can you respect him for letting go of his own child? I don't get it?

Why do so many women take up with men who are so shit at being part of their children's lives. Why do women tolerate it? How can you respect him.

Clearly is has a lot to do with the well chiseled excuses that we hear again and again and again. And they never realise the big flaw in their story. To let go of a child is despicable enough but to let go of a child when you're simultaneously claiming that the mum is 'mental' etc is even less forgivable.

headinhands · 18/04/2019 09:14

And the fact that the only concern is about money. Jesus Christ.