SCs mum

[RateThisState]

I’ve NC for this because if it’s linked with previous posts of mine it could potentially be identifying.

I’m becoming increasingly exasperated with my SCs mum. She is constantly demanding (not asking for, which would seem nicer in the circumstances) money.

A bit of backstory... DP pays well above CMS amount, pays for mobile phone contracts for the kids, all the expensive uniform bits (bags, shoes, blazers), pays off all haircuts, pocket money, treats for the girls, any trainers etc as they are usually the biggest footwear expense... you get the idea. We also have the kids officially EOW but I can’t remember a single weekend when we didn’t have them for at least one night which is lovely.

Their mum hasn’t worked for around 6 months now and I believe she is looking for a new job so she has my sympathies there. She has a long term partner who doesn’t live there officially but he’s there 6 nights a week minimum and doesn’t have a home of his own (so no rent / mortgage or associated bills).

Anyway, since DP and I started house hunting after saving up a good sized deposit between us she must have found out and is now continually asking for more money, saying things like “I know you must have XX amount in the bank for the deposit, you should give me some”.

It’s really getting on my nerves. We saved for a long time for the house deposit and cut back on all unnecessary outgoings which was difficult with 4 DCs between us.

SC’s DM on the other hand is frittering away money like it’s water. Since Christmas (bear in mind she doesn’t have employment at the moment) she has spent £6.5k on cosmetic surgery, upgraded her car and bought a lot of designer handbags and clothes.

Normally I wouldn’t give a toss about what she spends her money on, it’s her business, but the continual texts and calls for cash from her and really starting to piss me off. I can only assume she’s spending redundancy money but is now running low. BUT she should have been more careful if she knew her income was limited.

For example... DP at the start of the school year gave her 75% of the money for a bus pass for the eldest to get to school. Bus pass was never bought (I suspect the money was spent elsewhere) meaning their DM now pays almost double the cost in bus fare. She’s complained to us several times about this but she chose not to get the bus pass (she only had to contribute an extra £50 to it at the time).

She has been pleading poverty and DP has agreed in the short term to up the maintenance by £50 a week to help her out, so she’s now getting an extra £200 a month on top of everything else because he doesn’t want the kids to go without.

Yesterday we got a call “I bought eldest some new jeans for £40 so you’ll have to transfer your half of the cost over to me later”. I am gobsmacked

She also got eldest SC to call us and say that their DM had bought tickets to a concert for herself and her niece but we’d have to pay for her ticket (£85) because DM couldn’t afford to pay for all 3 of them.
DP is raging because it’s put him in a horrible position because we simply do not have the money and he is raging she’s asked him to pay for their day out! We would never dream of asking their DM to pay for the kids to do activities when they’re with us So now SC isn’t going to the concert and her DM is taking her older cousin!

Yesterday took the biscuit though... DP has just paid £250 for new glasses for both kids (special lenses for the little one makes them a ridiculous cost)... no issue with him buying them, they’re a necessity. He asked their DM if he paid £200 could she pick up the last £50 as we really are on a shoestring this month. She said she doesn’t have it etc etc so we just paid.

Then last night I was on FaceTime to the SCs and they’d been shopping for the afternoon with DM, all lovely and had a nice time. Eldest is really into her designer goods at the minute and starts telling me all about these designer sliders her mum has just bought and “look how pretty they are”.

They are fucking £260 designer sliders. Is she taking the actually piss?!!!

Sorry for the huge rant! I’m just so cross with her!!! She’s taken us for complete mugs money-wise, whilst we’re scrimping and saving to give her extra support she’s spunking large sums of money away on unnecessary crap!!!!

AWBU to tell her to fuck off next time she starts pleading poverty and asking for more money? (Obviously won’t actually tell her to fuck off but that’ll be the jist of it)

What do we do if she continues to not spend it on the kids’ needs... I feel like we’re stuck because we can’t let them suffer because their mum is spending irresponsibly?

So far when she plays a little trick to get your husband to cough up for something extra she's got a good chance of 'winning' (the glasses, extra £50pw). There's every incentive for her to keep asking.

Yes I get that.
How can we tell her no when we’re worried she’s not actually meeting the kids’ needs?

Do we just say no and then when the kids say we don’t have XY or Z “Ask your mum because we’ve given her money for it?”

I’d happily tell her to fuck off to be honest, but she tries to get the kids involved by getting them to ring us asking for money for things. I don’t want to burden them or tell them about finances but I’m thinking that might be the only option.

Eldest is 15... I think we may actually have to say “We give mum £XXX a month to cover these things, you’ll have to ask her” and pass the responsibility back onto their DM

Drop the support to CMS level (if that is a fair amount, it often isn’t - if it is, drop or maintain it at a fair level).

Continue to pay for many extras, as that’s the right thing to do.

Drop this ridiculous extra £200 a month.

Learn the word no.

Take child to concert himself.

Re telling the kids... they’re old enough to learn about budgeting (too old at 15, actually). So pick up the must haves (glasses, bus passes, costs). But when it comes to clothes - give the kids an allowance. Bypass mother altogether for unnecessary fun stuff.

We had this problem, ended up in debt because of it.

With the help of a solicitor friend (but you can easily do it yourself online) we drafted a fair and VERY detailed parenting plan which included financials.

We basically didn’t give her the option to agree to it we just sent it and said this is happening and completely hunkered down and ignored her from the same day we sent it, two years on and she still moans and complains and nags we simply ignore her.

You just have to stay strong and not let her manipulate you.

@Ellisandra it is more than a fair amount.
As of today the extra £50 a wk has stopped.

DP doesn’t want to go to the concert and we also don’t have £170 spare for tickets. The disappointment of that is down to DM, she shouldn’t have said she could go if she didn’t have the money to. Or she could have paid for her DD and not her niece, her decision.

@Bbang I have categorically refused to get into debt or dip into our house fund to give their DM money. I also have 2 DCs and I won’t let them suffer financially to support someone who is capable of supporting themselves.

I agree with giving the 15 year old an allowance but making it clear what it has to cover. £260 on shoes is ridiculous, the people I know earn £50-100k pa and no one spends that except perhaps on wedding shoes.

She is pushing her luck because it’s worked. Stop the additional payments. Tell her you’ve reworked the budget and there will be no more top ups.

Just to make it clear... the £260 shoes were for their DM not SD, SD was simply showing me what DM had bought.

DM has never in her life spent money on nice things for the DCs

Learn to say no. None of these expenses are essentials.

A part of me would want to say, ah take it off the 50 quid you owe us for the glasses!

In light of recent events DP is considering cutting maintenance back to the bare minimum as suggested by the CMS and continue to pay for phones, clothes, uniforms and extras that go directly to the kids.

I suspect a huge fallout from their DM over this as she’ll get only 1/3 of what she’s getting now. I said to DP give her 2 months notice and say from X date it will be £X weekly.

That way she has time to make reasonable adjustments and we can’t be accused of being unfair

@Rate you do right! I was fearful of being seen as ‘stepmonster’ and he was fearful of her controlling contact so we gave in over and over, before we knew it we’d gotten into £4000 of overdraft debt just to please her.

We’ve now scaled it all back, pay basic maintenance (as it’s a fair amount) school uniforms, trips etc, winter coats and boots, go halves on big ticket items such as birthday parties etc.

But we keep anything else separate.

Wow she has more cheek than a butchers shop doesn’t she?!

Refuse.

Point blank.

If your sc come crying, point out that it’s their mother who is letting them down as you have given her the money, she’s just choosing to spend it on herself

It’s not nice to do this, but she can’t keep pleading poverty and then spending £260 on shoes!

I like the idea of you paying for certain things direct like the mobile phones and giving her notice too

@Soubriquet If your sc come crying, point out that it’s their mother who is letting them down as you have given her the money, she’s just choosing to spend it on herself

I think this is exactly what we’re going to have to do. We didn’t want to have to go down that route as we have been mindful of not saying negative things about their mum to the SCs. But they’re not stupid, they probably already know what’s going on

So I would suggest you drop the payment to minimum
Then set up two bank accounts

One is necessities - school uniform or shoes etc
One is nice to have treats

The girls are old enough to understand the financials.

If she wants the girls to do the asking you need to show them how much money is set aside for treats and extra expenses

My children get £50 ish each at the start of the month for treats - extra shoes, games, Rubix bloody cubes etc

We buy uniform when needed

Wow, YANBU at all!

YANBU OP.

We had something similar but on a much smaller scale. Birthday party contributions were paid and spent on other stuff, so DH had to pay again to avoid DSD being disappointed.

DH now pays the basic rate and directly picks up a range of extras such as uniform costs, phone, bus pass etc. DSD starts secondary school in sept and will get an allowance direct from DH too. That way the paying for something twice issue doesn't crop up. DSD's DM wasn't happy to start off with but it's worked well since then.

YANBU at all.

@SophieTurnersEyebrows we’ve had that too.
DP has given her money for things and then had to pay again because DM claims not to have her half... then DM gets the credit from the kids with them saying “I have the best mum! Look what she’s done for me” when in reality all she did was an online booking form. It stings at times.

I’d drop down to only CMS levels going to her directly and the DSC Dad can shop with them.
Her finances are no concerns of yours and yours are of no concern to her but the longer you carry on the way you are she’ll continue to take the piss.

YANBU.

I would be tempted to speak to the CMS, or do the calculator and see what they suggest and either pay that or a little more if its a massive drop, and save a bit for the kids separately, so when they ask for things you can say yes, or give it to them when they turn 18 or 21.

Stop funding this womans lifestyle!

This is insane. Another poster here saying that you need to be firmer and say no. Perhaps send a letter or if relations are amicable your DH could organise a meet up with her where you discuss the fact that finances have gotten very confusing lately and you need to set some ground rules. Drop the CM payments to a fair amount - not an amount that subsidises her being an idiot, an actual fair amount. The money isn't for his ex, it's for the children. Continue to fork out for extra things like school uniform as your DH should. If their mother sends requests for random bits of extra money simply say NO. ALWAYS SAY NO. She keeps doing it because it works. If you stop doing it she will hopefully stop asking.

The children will not suffer. Unless you think that they aren't being fed, aren't getting to school and aren't generally safe then they are fine. Don't let the mother manipulate you like this.

So don't give her the money, buy whatever it is yourselves

Cut out the middleman(-mum)

She is 100% taking the piss because you've been letting her. I totally understand why but I'm glad that you're stopping it now, it's the only way. She'll just keep milking it otherwise.

Do your DSDs have bank accounts yet? Might be an idea to set them up, under their father's control, so that he can put money into there for them for extras - keeping it away from their mother so she can't take it for herself.

And yes you need to have discussions on budget and only spending what money you actually have, otherwise they'll grow up thinking that it's ok to spend because someone will always bail you out!