SCs mum

[RateThisState]

I’ve NC for this because if it’s linked with previous posts of mine it could potentially be identifying.

I’m becoming increasingly exasperated with my SCs mum. She is constantly demanding (not asking for, which would seem nicer in the circumstances) money.

A bit of backstory... DP pays well above CMS amount, pays for mobile phone contracts for the kids, all the expensive uniform bits (bags, shoes, blazers), pays off all haircuts, pocket money, treats for the girls, any trainers etc as they are usually the biggest footwear expense... you get the idea. We also have the kids officially EOW but I can’t remember a single weekend when we didn’t have them for at least one night which is lovely.

Their mum hasn’t worked for around 6 months now and I believe she is looking for a new job so she has my sympathies there. She has a long term partner who doesn’t live there officially but he’s there 6 nights a week minimum and doesn’t have a home of his own (so no rent / mortgage or associated bills).

Anyway, since DP and I started house hunting after saving up a good sized deposit between us she must have found out and is now continually asking for more money, saying things like “I know you must have XX amount in the bank for the deposit, you should give me some”.

It’s really getting on my nerves. We saved for a long time for the house deposit and cut back on all unnecessary outgoings which was difficult with 4 DCs between us.

SC’s DM on the other hand is frittering away money like it’s water. Since Christmas (bear in mind she doesn’t have employment at the moment) she has spent £6.5k on cosmetic surgery, upgraded her car and bought a lot of designer handbags and clothes.

Normally I wouldn’t give a toss about what she spends her money on, it’s her business, but the continual texts and calls for cash from her and really starting to piss me off. I can only assume she’s spending redundancy money but is now running low. BUT she should have been more careful if she knew her income was limited.

For example... DP at the start of the school year gave her 75% of the money for a bus pass for the eldest to get to school. Bus pass was never bought (I suspect the money was spent elsewhere) meaning their DM now pays almost double the cost in bus fare. She’s complained to us several times about this but she chose not to get the bus pass (she only had to contribute an extra £50 to it at the time).

She has been pleading poverty and DP has agreed in the short term to up the maintenance by £50 a week to help her out, so she’s now getting an extra £200 a month on top of everything else because he doesn’t want the kids to go without.

Yesterday we got a call “I bought eldest some new jeans for £40 so you’ll have to transfer your half of the cost over to me later”. I am gobsmacked

She also got eldest SC to call us and say that their DM had bought tickets to a concert for herself and her niece but we’d have to pay for her ticket (£85) because DM couldn’t afford to pay for all 3 of them.
DP is raging because it’s put him in a horrible position because we simply do not have the money and he is raging she’s asked him to pay for their day out! We would never dream of asking their DM to pay for the kids to do activities when they’re with us So now SC isn’t going to the concert and her DM is taking her older cousin!

Yesterday took the biscuit though... DP has just paid £250 for new glasses for both kids (special lenses for the little one makes them a ridiculous cost)... no issue with him buying them, they’re a necessity. He asked their DM if he paid £200 could she pick up the last £50 as we really are on a shoestring this month. She said she doesn’t have it etc etc so we just paid.

Then last night I was on FaceTime to the SCs and they’d been shopping for the afternoon with DM, all lovely and had a nice time. Eldest is really into her designer goods at the minute and starts telling me all about these designer sliders her mum has just bought and “look how pretty they are”.

They are fucking £260 designer sliders. Is she taking the actually piss?!!!

Sorry for the huge rant! I’m just so cross with her!!! She’s taken us for complete mugs money-wise, whilst we’re scrimping and saving to give her extra support she’s spunking large sums of money away on unnecessary crap!!!!

AWBU to tell her to fuck off next time she starts pleading poverty and asking for more money? (Obviously won’t actually tell her to fuck off but that’ll be the jist of it)

What do we do if she continues to not spend it on the kids’ needs... I feel like we’re stuck because we can’t let them suffer because their mum is spending irresponsibly?

That’s a good idea OP

Tell the kids that “right you have £50 each to spend this month. You need to write down what you plan to buy and then when you need to go and do it, call me and I’ll pass over the money. Once it’s gone though, no ringing crying about wanting more”

That way the money can go directly to them and the mum can’t cry about how “felicity needs new cooking equipment”

The glasses are a good example of the children getting what they want. They prob chose what they wanted and daddy said yes. £50 voucher for each kid means glasses in total were £350. Even with special lenses OP this is a HUGE amount.

I think ex and children all need a stern talking too and tell your partner to stop giving kids everything they ask for.

OP, it sounds as if your DP feels a sense of disappointment for not living full time with his DC's and is trying to make up for this through money, as if he owes them. He really doesn't.

He isn't doing them any favors though is he? Even if these girls were in a family with DF and DM they should be budgeting and learning to deal with their own money, their needs and wants. My own two were given a small allowance a week to save or spend. I would agree a limit with them for say trainers, an amount I thought reasonable. If they wanted a different super designer pair, they paid the difference. Amazing the number of times, when it was their own money, that they chose not to...only if it really mattered to them would they part with their own money! . Makes them much more sensible with money, much more education about spending.

Your DH is enabling both his Dc's and their DM to make poor choices with money. Many men pay the absolute basic maintenance - mine was just over £200 per month for two DC's. That was it, worked out by the CSA!including a reduction for his partners child. The amount didn't even cover our DC's dinner money once they were teenagers! He mustn't feel he is letting them down.

He also needs to delay acting on the regular texts from his ex and sometimes his DC's. He's on a string.
He should sometimes just not be available; he 'misses the opportunity' to transfer money. He could be at the cinema, on a long walk without his phone...anything to stop their habit of contacting him and expecting an immediate response.
It seems there are more issues to sort than just money. You must be a saint!

@Witchtower why do you keep mentioning £50 vouchers? We spoke to vision express and they said only the eye tests are free? My DD also wears glasses and we have never been offered discount off them.
The glasses were £250 in total not £350. Both got 2 pairs (a pair to keep at our house because no doubt they’ll never appear with them otherwise) so they were around £60 a pair which isn’t unreasonable or makes my SCs “spoilt”.

£250 a month for each child. Rent/mortgage, food, and bills seems reasonable. We all know how much the food shop costs especially with toiletries

yes we all do know, but don't you think their mother should be paying for something?

I don't spend £250pm on my DS. My house is no bigger than it was before we had him, my bills are no more. Only thing I do pay for is nursery but that will be coming to a stop soon anyway. I certainly don't blow £250 on clothes and food and toys for him a month.

Also CMS is only a contribution towards the cost of food, bills and toiletries. It isn’t supposed to cover it all.
I cannot fathom how £500 wouldn’t cover all of it as my outgoings with 2 DCs of the same age is nowhere near that.

DD has designer glasses for £80

Yes free eye tests and yes to a discount voucher -

Some glasses are totally free, which is why you get the discount voucher

Oh and my calculations for my spending includes all the extras such as haircuts, clothes, phones etc that DP pays on top of his maintenance.

It’s clear she has enough to live on, that’s not up for debate.

@GreenTulips ours worked out at £60ish a pair which I don’t think is too bad

We haven’t collected the glasses yet, if we could get £100 off that would be great

@RateThisState ALL children are entitled to free eye care and a free pair of glasses.

OP all your other posts have shown a slightly spoilt side. The hairdressers and the expensive clothes. It seems as though the only time your DP has said no is to the concert ticket.

OP honestly I do agree with all your saying. It just sounds like the kids are playing your DP as well.

@PlantPotParrot but on top of all that there are clubs to pay for, travel etc. Tbh that’s not the point I’m trying to make. Mum is clearly a greedy fucker. I just think the children are using their father on the same way their mother is.

well I don't know what clubs you send your children to, but I certainly wouldn't be spending anything near that on clubs. You have to take into consideration that mum should be contributing something too.

Again, travel. For DSS his bus pass costs £10 a week. So £20 a week for 2, so £120 a month in a 5 week month. Mum is contributing half so that £60 of your £500 accounted for.

Some peoples children actually don't cost hundreds to bring up. Its a popular myth on here that's its super duper expensive to bring kids up under all circumstances. It hasn't been for us!

The CMS does have issues, We paid twice as much to DSS mum in maintenance when he lived with her than she paid to us when he lived with us. He doesn't cost her more to bring up. In fact, when he lived with us she paid £26 a week and nothing else, now he lives with her (along with his sister who we don't see - another thread!) we pay almost 4 times that amount, and pay for every single extra.

witch yes, they probably are because they've been brought up to think that daddy pays for everything, unfortunately exactly the same as DSS has. Its not easy!

@Witchtower the hairdressers was a “treat” from mum, not suggested by SD. Which then mum decided we should have to pay for.
Clothes wise we buy most of it. The sliders were mum’s not SD’s. The jeans were £40 (Topshop, pretty average cost) bought by mum and then half the money demanded back from us without prior consultation. It doesn’t make SD spoilt if her mum does this, I’m not even entirely sure she was there when they were bought.

Also as I’ve stated in previous posts... ALL activities and clubs are paid by DP. He also paid 75% towards a bus pass for travel the eldest which was never purchased by mum.

Younger SD does after school clubs, no travel costs as it is approx 300m from they’d house

-Eldest is really into her designer goods at the minute

-DP has just paid £250 for new glasses for both kids

-If they are going to the cinema with friends DP gets called to foot the bill.

-They want a new outfit for a party / wedding / christening - DP gets called to foot the bill.

-They need a haircut (and colour now for 15yo) - DP gets called to foot the bill.

-we pay for phones, insurances for laptops / iPads, activities, uniforms, haircuts etc.

yeah, because their mother has conditioned them into doing this!

They have been conditioned to use dad as a bank.

I know sliders were for her mum but you wouldn’t post that on social media unless you were impressed.

It sounds like they don’t understand no. I’m not saying it’s the children’s fault at all. It is what they have been taught. Children don’t understand the concept of money.
A child who has been rewarded with a £100 pair of trainers by earning them in one way or another is not spoilt but a child who gets whatever they want from the pound shop on a regular basis is spoilt. Your DP’s children are given what they want by your DP. I assume this is the first time he’s said no?

@PlantPotParrot exactly, just what I posted. That is my point!!!

Yeah this sounds like the final straw.

You need to talk to the kids more clearly about finances and budgeting (so they don’t become crap with money too).

I would say:

• cms now this
• we will directly buy (aka not give you money for) XYZ
• give kids cash weekly for pocket money (not cards which don’t feel like spending)

Hunker down and weather the storm.

Her partner clearly lives with her, he should be contributing to the house.

Oh FGS @Witchtower their MUM calls to foot the bill. Or asks the girls to do it. They’re really lovely kids and are not grabby.

Eldest is really into her designer goods at the minute
She’s of the Instagram generation where they see celebs with these items all over it. She knows what designer goods are which. We’re not buying them for her and her mum certainly isn’t spending cash like that on the kids 😂

DP has just paid £250 for new glasses for both kids
I repeat... £250 for 4 pairs of glasses so they have a pair at each parent’s house. Works out about £60 a pair. Not extortionate and a necessity (although I do think mum should have contributed towards them seeing as she clearly had £260 spare that week).

I know sliders were for her mum but you wouldn’t post that on social media unless you were impressed
They weren’t posted on social media, if you read my post you would see we were chatting on FaceTime and she showed me. Show me a single 15 yo girl who wouldn’t lust over designer shoes

To make it clear it is mum asking 99% of the time, except when she’s left the kids in the lurch like in the hairdressers and with the ingredients for the cooking class. Girls rarely ask for much other than a bit of pocket money.

@RateThisState you’re just not getting what I’m saying. Your DP children expect this now. Unfortunately whether you like it or not, it sounds spoilt. They get more than what most children do but they are unaware.

And I repeat £250 is a HUGE amount of money for glasses when one pair is free. If you are not in a financial position to give anymore then the children should be taught to look after, be responsible and respect the one pair of glasses they have. Absolutely no need to by two just in case.

You can be a lovely kid and be spoilt too.

www.nhs.uk/using-the-nhs/help-with-health-costs/free-nhs-eye-tests-and-optical-vouchers/