SCs mum

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I’ve NC for this because if it’s linked with previous posts of mine it could potentially be identifying.

I’m becoming increasingly exasperated with my SCs mum. She is constantly demanding (not asking for, which would seem nicer in the circumstances) money.

A bit of backstory... DP pays well above CMS amount, pays for mobile phone contracts for the kids, all the expensive uniform bits (bags, shoes, blazers), pays off all haircuts, pocket money, treats for the girls, any trainers etc as they are usually the biggest footwear expense... you get the idea. We also have the kids officially EOW but I can’t remember a single weekend when we didn’t have them for at least one night which is lovely.

Their mum hasn’t worked for around 6 months now and I believe she is looking for a new job so she has my sympathies there. She has a long term partner who doesn’t live there officially but he’s there 6 nights a week minimum and doesn’t have a home of his own (so no rent / mortgage or associated bills).

Anyway, since DP and I started house hunting after saving up a good sized deposit between us she must have found out and is now continually asking for more money, saying things like “I know you must have XX amount in the bank for the deposit, you should give me some”.

It’s really getting on my nerves. We saved for a long time for the house deposit and cut back on all unnecessary outgoings which was difficult with 4 DCs between us.

SC’s DM on the other hand is frittering away money like it’s water. Since Christmas (bear in mind she doesn’t have employment at the moment) she has spent £6.5k on cosmetic surgery, upgraded her car and bought a lot of designer handbags and clothes.

Normally I wouldn’t give a toss about what she spends her money on, it’s her business, but the continual texts and calls for cash from her and really starting to piss me off. I can only assume she’s spending redundancy money but is now running low. BUT she should have been more careful if she knew her income was limited.

For example... DP at the start of the school year gave her 75% of the money for a bus pass for the eldest to get to school. Bus pass was never bought (I suspect the money was spent elsewhere) meaning their DM now pays almost double the cost in bus fare. She’s complained to us several times about this but she chose not to get the bus pass (she only had to contribute an extra £50 to it at the time).

She has been pleading poverty and DP has agreed in the short term to up the maintenance by £50 a week to help her out, so she’s now getting an extra £200 a month on top of everything else because he doesn’t want the kids to go without.

Yesterday we got a call “I bought eldest some new jeans for £40 so you’ll have to transfer your half of the cost over to me later”. I am gobsmacked

She also got eldest SC to call us and say that their DM had bought tickets to a concert for herself and her niece but we’d have to pay for her ticket (£85) because DM couldn’t afford to pay for all 3 of them.
DP is raging because it’s put him in a horrible position because we simply do not have the money and he is raging she’s asked him to pay for their day out! We would never dream of asking their DM to pay for the kids to do activities when they’re with us So now SC isn’t going to the concert and her DM is taking her older cousin!

Yesterday took the biscuit though... DP has just paid £250 for new glasses for both kids (special lenses for the little one makes them a ridiculous cost)... no issue with him buying them, they’re a necessity. He asked their DM if he paid £200 could she pick up the last £50 as we really are on a shoestring this month. She said she doesn’t have it etc etc so we just paid.

Then last night I was on FaceTime to the SCs and they’d been shopping for the afternoon with DM, all lovely and had a nice time. Eldest is really into her designer goods at the minute and starts telling me all about these designer sliders her mum has just bought and “look how pretty they are”.

They are fucking £260 designer sliders. Is she taking the actually piss?!!!

Sorry for the huge rant! I’m just so cross with her!!! She’s taken us for complete mugs money-wise, whilst we’re scrimping and saving to give her extra support she’s spunking large sums of money away on unnecessary crap!!!!

AWBU to tell her to fuck off next time she starts pleading poverty and asking for more money? (Obviously won’t actually tell her to fuck off but that’ll be the jist of it)

What do we do if she continues to not spend it on the kids’ needs... I feel like we’re stuck because we can’t let them suffer because their mum is spending irresponsibly?

Misread the update about the hairdressers - what would happen if he simply said no, DM, I am not paying for it. You took her, either you pay for it or you don't take it!

The eldest is old enough to have an allowance, possibly youngest too and know what it covers. They can get Saturday or holiday jobs. Cut the mother out or just pay essential food and daily expense maintaiinace. Let the dc stay with you more often

Crazy. Use a CMS calculator and give her the suggested amount, screenshot it for her and tell her if she has an issue, she can contact CMS herself (but she’ll get the exact amount it suggests on that calculator). They are teenagers so lucky for you, only a few more years of this cheeky fuckery.

Giving the girls a weekly allowance is a good idea too, my DF did this for me. Your DH is being taken for a ride.

They see (ringing dad every single time) as normal because that’s what their mum has encouraged all their lives

Unfortunately, constantly saying yes hasn't helped anyone

I agree with PPs about dropping the money paid to exW to the minimum, refusing to transfer extra and shopping with the DCs yourselves for necessities. No doubt they'll all go ballistic when the goalposts are changed - even though it's the right thing to do - but at least the difference between the basic CMS amount and what you're paying now should pay for some of their needs

And if exW ever refers to your saved deposit again, simply tell her it's none of her business

Why shouldn’t the kids be able to go to their dad when they need something? He’s their dad of course they can. The problem here is the mum trying to fleece him; but dialling maintenance to the minimum while continuing the rest will sort it out!

I think as well your husband needs to learn to say no

So reduce CMS
Pay an sensible allowance to the girls on the understanding that once it is spent it is spent
Buy some essentials for school etc outside of that

Why shouldn’t the kids be able to go to their dad when they need something? He’s their dad of course they can

i'm not saying they shouldn't at all but that they cant expect him to fund everything whilst their mum literally does nothing and pays for nothing!

Why shouldn’t the kids be able to go to their dad when they need something? He’s their dad of course they can

My teens would say ‘mom there’s x playing it’s £60 a ticket - can I go?’

No ‘I’ve brought the ticket and you have to pay X’s mum back’

They’d get a short thrift

And for that matter if they phoned from the hairdresser expecting payment without having agreed it with me first - I’d hit the roof!

Nobody spends my money without my agreement

I would stop giving any money apart from the CM minimum but continue to provide things like phones/ clothes etc.

If the mum asks for additional money to pay for specific items I’d ask her to send you the details of the item wanted and buy the item directly yourself and give it to the kids when they're with you. I wouldn’t give her any cash (other than the CM minimum amount) as clearly she can’t be trusted to actually spend it on the kids.

I've only read the OP so far but my gut feeling is maybe it's time you had the kids full time? No need to pay this idiot so much extras then and you can decide if you want to pay £160 for fancy flip flops ffs.

Honestly the SCs aren’t and don’t act entitled, they’re really lovely kids.
They ring their dad because they think it’s the normal thing to do... they just think “mum said to ring dad for pocket money so I will” because mum always tells them to.

The hairdresser situation arose because SD was told it was ok to have her hair done, she just assumed mum was paying or had already cleared it with her dad. Mum turns up half an hour before the end of the appointment and says “you’d better ring your dad, I only have £30” knowing full well it was closer to £60.
SD panicked and rang DP who initially refused but SD was hysterically upset (and most likely really embarrassed) that she didn’t have the funds to pay for it.

It’s things like that, so we feel backed into a corner.

Or last time for the cookery class younger SD had told her mum the ingredients she needed in advance, mum said she’d get them in the weekly food shop. The night before the class SD goes to organise her school stuff for the next day and realises mum hadn’t bought the stuff she needs. She asks mum who says she doesn’t have the money now to get it. So DP gets a frantic and upset phone call again from SD at 8.30pm begging him to take her to the shops to get the ingredients.

It happens all the time.

I feel sorry for the kids, it’s a shame because they know their mum is completely unreliable and selfish but they love her.

I would open a bank account for each of the girls, and put a certain amount of money in it each month and say “that’s it. When it’s gone, it’s gone”

Also stress that they don’t allow their mum access to it.

Therefore they can start to take responsibility for their own funds without having to keep calling the bank of dad.

Plus then, their mum can’t back you into a corner

We got the kids a prepaid card each a year or two ago. We can top up the amount using an app on DP’s phone but magically the money was being spent whilst they were at school it alerts him when, how much and where the money is spent.
Their mum was using it in supermarkets etc so when DP questioned it she got really angry and said she was spending it on the kids so it was none of his business.
So basically we were topping up her food shops with money intended for pocket money.

It caused such a big row. I can’t see how getting them accounts with bank cards would be much different tbh

Also youngest is only 10, not really old enough to be responsible for her own finances yet.

This selfish woman needs to spend a day in my shoes. I have two children with two fathers that pay me zero, zilch, nada. Maybe a trek to and from the food bank returning home to find bailiffs at her door may put things into perspective for her. How dare she have the cheek to behave this way and manipulate her children to use their father as her cash cow.

Fund the kids stuff directly only giving child support at the minimum for housing and food.

After reading about her stealing the children’s pocket money a couple of years back, I have to say I wonder why he’s being so spineless about this. I get why it’s hard to reduce the existing arrangement, but he’s still just turning round and handing over £200 a month without batting an eyelid. Two hundred fucking quid. Who does that?

I’m really curious why he is allowing this to happen. She’s the one at fault, I don’t mean to detract from that - but I’m gobsmacked by this dynamic.

Whatever way he reduces the cash, she’s going to kick off. So I’d go in for a penny in for a pound! I would tell her that £260 sliders when she’s taking her niece - instead of her own fucking daughter! - to a concert is the straw that had broken the camel’s back.

As I mentioned above - but back to CMS or higher (but lower than now) if CMS is unfair - it isn’t always a fair amount. Allowance for the kids. For the 10yo, that allowance is managed by him. “You have £20 pocket money in my account - so yes you can afford that magazine”. For the 15yo, set up a new account and continue to monitor spends. If she wants a haircut, she needs to check it first. (fucking hell though - £60 on a day to day non special event cut for a 15yo?! Time for her to learn about box dyes and college trainers). If the money is gone because her mother has STOLEN it, then I suspect 15yo will learn soon enough not to hand over her card. That’ll be unpleasant - but necessary. I really would not be funding £60 haircuts for a child though!

10 is the perfect age to start with financial responsibility - my DD is the same age and she gets pocket money which she knows she can spend on what she wants but that it is for certain things. She also outside of school uniform/replacing shoes knows she has a certain amount per month clothes allowance which she can also roll over to other months. It really helps with her learning how much things cost.

Fuck this shit what a greedy cow! She'll never bother to get a job if this carries on.
I get the CMS amount from my ex and make it work. I wouldn't ask exP to pay for any extras eg phones, clothes - the CMS amount is meant to cover everything. He buys them extras sometimes because he wants to not because he's been played.
Your DP needs to talk to the kids and make the situation clear. He can pay their pocket money, phones directly and reduce the maintenance she gets by same amount.

Can you have them full time? She's obviously not meeting their needs. Taking a teenager for a haircut, then refusing to pay for it so the teenager rings her dad crying is cruel.

If not, then go down to the minimum CMS, give the kids money directly, never send her money. If she wants something for the kids then you buy it and you give it to the kids.

Why has your DP been so spineless about this though? Just giving her an extra £200 a month when she was stealing the girls' pocket money and buying designer gear? Who does that?

What he should do is open 2 accounts for them but dont let them have access, but update them as to what is in there. So when they want money, you or their dad take it out of the account, give it directly to kids or pay directly for whatever is it.

The maintence is for the basic only. You have control of the extras.

Is she drinking? Get the kids to live w you and visit he really eow

Woah... It really sounds like she is taking the piss. Any efforts by you to do things for the kids are taken by her for her own stuff.

That extra £200 you gave, plus the £50 she didn't have, just paid for your shoes.

I would give her the basic child support, and otherwise refuse to give over any money at all.

Everything dh sees as extras needed by kids (NOT just stuff DM is emotionally blackmailing about), he can buy personally himself and give to kids directly.

Difficult one about trying to give the kids pocket money which is then spent by kids.. all I can suggest is give them a small, set amount in cash and say 'this is your pocket money and you can save up for things you want'. Even if she spends that, it won't be much, and they won't be going without basics.

*pocket money that is then spent by dm