SCs mum

[RateThisState]

I’ve NC for this because if it’s linked with previous posts of mine it could potentially be identifying.

I’m becoming increasingly exasperated with my SCs mum. She is constantly demanding (not asking for, which would seem nicer in the circumstances) money.

A bit of backstory... DP pays well above CMS amount, pays for mobile phone contracts for the kids, all the expensive uniform bits (bags, shoes, blazers), pays off all haircuts, pocket money, treats for the girls, any trainers etc as they are usually the biggest footwear expense... you get the idea. We also have the kids officially EOW but I can’t remember a single weekend when we didn’t have them for at least one night which is lovely.

Their mum hasn’t worked for around 6 months now and I believe she is looking for a new job so she has my sympathies there. She has a long term partner who doesn’t live there officially but he’s there 6 nights a week minimum and doesn’t have a home of his own (so no rent / mortgage or associated bills).

Anyway, since DP and I started house hunting after saving up a good sized deposit between us she must have found out and is now continually asking for more money, saying things like “I know you must have XX amount in the bank for the deposit, you should give me some”.

It’s really getting on my nerves. We saved for a long time for the house deposit and cut back on all unnecessary outgoings which was difficult with 4 DCs between us.

SC’s DM on the other hand is frittering away money like it’s water. Since Christmas (bear in mind she doesn’t have employment at the moment) she has spent £6.5k on cosmetic surgery, upgraded her car and bought a lot of designer handbags and clothes.

Normally I wouldn’t give a toss about what she spends her money on, it’s her business, but the continual texts and calls for cash from her and really starting to piss me off. I can only assume she’s spending redundancy money but is now running low. BUT she should have been more careful if she knew her income was limited.

For example... DP at the start of the school year gave her 75% of the money for a bus pass for the eldest to get to school. Bus pass was never bought (I suspect the money was spent elsewhere) meaning their DM now pays almost double the cost in bus fare. She’s complained to us several times about this but she chose not to get the bus pass (she only had to contribute an extra £50 to it at the time).

She has been pleading poverty and DP has agreed in the short term to up the maintenance by £50 a week to help her out, so she’s now getting an extra £200 a month on top of everything else because he doesn’t want the kids to go without.

Yesterday we got a call “I bought eldest some new jeans for £40 so you’ll have to transfer your half of the cost over to me later”. I am gobsmacked

She also got eldest SC to call us and say that their DM had bought tickets to a concert for herself and her niece but we’d have to pay for her ticket (£85) because DM couldn’t afford to pay for all 3 of them.
DP is raging because it’s put him in a horrible position because we simply do not have the money and he is raging she’s asked him to pay for their day out! We would never dream of asking their DM to pay for the kids to do activities when they’re with us So now SC isn’t going to the concert and her DM is taking her older cousin!

Yesterday took the biscuit though... DP has just paid £250 for new glasses for both kids (special lenses for the little one makes them a ridiculous cost)... no issue with him buying them, they’re a necessity. He asked their DM if he paid £200 could she pick up the last £50 as we really are on a shoestring this month. She said she doesn’t have it etc etc so we just paid.

Then last night I was on FaceTime to the SCs and they’d been shopping for the afternoon with DM, all lovely and had a nice time. Eldest is really into her designer goods at the minute and starts telling me all about these designer sliders her mum has just bought and “look how pretty they are”.

They are fucking £260 designer sliders. Is she taking the actually piss?!!!

Sorry for the huge rant! I’m just so cross with her!!! She’s taken us for complete mugs money-wise, whilst we’re scrimping and saving to give her extra support she’s spunking large sums of money away on unnecessary crap!!!!

AWBU to tell her to fuck off next time she starts pleading poverty and asking for more money? (Obviously won’t actually tell her to fuck off but that’ll be the jist of it)

What do we do if she continues to not spend it on the kids’ needs... I feel like we’re stuck because we can’t let them suffer because their mum is spending irresponsibly?

Ok single parent here with my input
I have 2 teenage girls

Neither me or their DF are poor but my girls have nowhere near as much given to them as these step children. It is possible they are spoilt to a degree

Mine had a laptop each for Christmas bought in Black Friday sale for £160 which they have never used or needed much entire time of school. All they did was watch YouTube on them and edit photos.

They have very cheap contract phones not the latest iPhone they have iPhone5C.

Glasses are BOGOF from specsavers for free

No one gets their hair dyed

Topshop jeans are for Christmas and birthday

Mine don’t lust after designer sliders either and I don’t take them shopping as a hobby/day out

The girls expectations are leading both parents down a dark path, with neither parent putting their foot down

There should be an allowance. My DD16 just got her first job and she can blow all that on what she likes and when she is an adult she can have all these fancy things

A lot of what you mention are modern gadgets and things they want not things they need

^ forgot to add laptops broke and did not get replaced
We have 1 laptop we all can use no one has their own. I think it is not always the case it’s a real need unless GCSE. A 10yo does not need a laptop!

Drop the maintenance down to CMS level. If she has a problem with it, tough. She can go through CMS and get it taken from his wage taking an extra percentage for their fees if she can prove he's not paying but if he is and you can trace it through paperwork, that's it.

I would not pay for any extras for at least a month. Let the girls kick up a fuss and make them see that it's their mother that's not providing adequately for them and if they want the extras as they've been having, the money will be given directly to them to budget and goes nowhere near the mother.

She is a cheeky fucker and your DP sounds lovely but a right pushover. Something needs to happen to snap them all back to reality. This isn't punishing the children - they won't go without food or a roof over their heads.

I don’t think they sound spoiled per se

I think they are used to the status quo of doing what mum says and therefore expect it to carry on.

They don’t know any different. It’s unfair to call them spoilt when technically they have been spoiled, as they don’t know how to live any other way.

So now they need to get used to living properly. If they start kicking off and demanding things, then you can call them spoilt

Isn’t spoiled and spoilt the same thing? One American, one English.

Reading them out loud is playing with my mind. Could be totally wrong but they are essentially the same?

What a spoiled child/what a spoilt child.

That child acts very spoiled/ that child acts very spoilt.

Is one an action?

After writing I feel that I’m wrong. Anyone specialise in the English language?

I think people confuse children being spoiled as something the child is doing or a personal insult to the child. The child can’t spoil themselves and people are not meaning that the DC are throwing strops about wanting things.

My DC go to the cinema on 2for1 meerkat vouchers or on half price Tuesday and it is £4 a ticket! They don’t get food in the cinema, some sweets from Poundland!

The parents spoil the child, but then the child has a certain expectation of standard of living they have become accustomed to and difficult to extract yourself from financing as they get older

So to rephrase it:

the DC appear (to me) to have a relatively high or good financial standard of living for extras/luxuries for such young kids with 1 parent not earning a high wage and 1 parent unemployed.
DM is encouraging it and DF is paying for it

DC do not need it all
DF isn’t obliged to pay for it
DM won’t change

It’s all toxic and unrealistic
The DC probably don’t understand what is going on but DF will feel guilty if they can’t have the items or trips out that they want, then pay for them as he feels bad. DM keeps asking because DF keeps paying

@Rate look into the glasses thing, it’s a £65 NHS voucher for under 16’s and if you have a valid extemporising like tax credits etc if over 16. My 8 yo wear glasses as do I and we get a new voucher every 2 years which coincides with eye tests. We go to specsavers, the do deal where you get the second pair of glasses or prescription sunglasses half price which saves loads. Hope that helps.

Oh and yes reduce the CMS, I’d go for £300 and an allowance you and their dad control. Sit them down and say you’re making some changes as finances are tight and from now on they will only get their allowance from you guys I have a feeling they’ll be fine with it. And send an email to their mum to say, CMS amount is recommended at £280 so we will give £300 on X date every month, we will continue to pay for half of uniforms, glasses and phone contracts anything else you wish to have for the child must be provided for you. We will provide clothes and extras for our home only. Or something to that effect.

Sorry for the typos 😬

Well that became a race to the bottom quickly 😂
I have no problem with the girls having nice things, I just have an issue that the basics aren’t being bought.
I have more disposable income and would have no qualms about buying Topshop jeans for my DD or buying nicer than NHS frames for my kids. I don’t however buy these things then demand money from my ExH, or buy things I cannot afford meaning I take money away from the essential bills.

@Witchtower both spoilt and spoiled are correct. Spoilt is old fashioned English, but “t” and “ed” are interchangeable. It’s personal preference.
Same with dreamed/dreamt learned/learnt

Anyway, as I said the kids aren’t even being bought these things by their DM... if they were then at least the money would be being spent on them! She buys herself luxuries and leaves the kids short of things they actually need

@RateThisState you say their mum "herself luxuries and leaves the kids short of things they actually need" but I think the only example you've given of them going without what they need was the stuff for cooking at school? What do they actually need that mum isn't paying for? Because designer glasses (NHS does provide two for free at Specsavers), Topshop jeans, hair appts aren't actually needs. The girls do sound a bit spoilt, which is down to them being told yes too much from mum and dad unfortunately.
Mum sounds like a CF and needs to be told no. Do we know if she's spending actual money or just putting it on a credit card? Only asking because if she's out of work I'd wonder if she needs the money for bills? I'd possibly give a good time warning before changing the amount paid although personally I think I'd be more likely to pay the arranged payment but stop all extras and go from there.
I think the girls need sitting down and explaining how to budget and basically told to stop taking the piss

Oh ffs the girls aren't spoilt or taking the piss! They ask for things or need things like all kids do. Mum says yes and either expects dad to foot the bill or pay half. The hair appt was suggested and offered by the mum. What 15 yo kid would've said "oh no mum,just a dry cut for me thank you."

I'd cut maintenance down to CMS amount,and save anything you paid extra for the girls (you could probably manage to do that). Give them cash each weekend for the week. If they call or their mum calls and it's not an emergency "sorry love,we have no money at the moment" or offer the money but say they'll get less cash next week.

Between you and the mum (who covers house,food,bills regardless of how) they have the basics plus some nice extras.

@Hahaha88 that was only the most recent example.
The glasses riled us because they’ve needed an appointment for a while but trying to get one to fall on our weekend meant they had to wait 8 weeks because their mum wouldn’t take them during the week or the weekends in between. She didn’t want to take them to an appointment because she knew they’d need new glasses and didn’t want to pay for them.

They haven’t gone without anything because we pick up the tab for literally everything whilst mum pleads poverty. If we didn’t buy them then the kids would have gone without shoes, clothes, money for travel, activities etc.

Do we know if she's spending actual money or just putting it on a credit card? Only asking because if she's out of work I'd wonder if she needs the money for bills

Does it matter? If she is willing to splurge hundreds on frivolous things then she should be willing to pay bills using a credit card if she’s struggling let’s be honest. Buying things she can’t afford is not helping her situation and if it is getting her into debt then it would make more sense to get into debt over covering bills than buying luxuries

@YourSarcasmIsDripping But if they ask and get all the time then that it spoilt.

My DD asks for things all the time. Mostly creative things. But items which serve a very good purpose. For this reason I always say yes. But she is spoilt because I always say yes. When she asks for crap (rarely) I say no but as she’s used to getting a yes she doesn’t handle the no very well.

A lot of us spoil our kids without realising and as a parent it is a hard pill to swallow. But I had to accept and swallow. I began making her earn her money to save up for things she wanted/needed and her behaviour improved drastically. Then Christmas came about and we were back to square one. My situation is very different as my child is very young.

Are you sure SC aren’t saying to mum ‘can you ask sad’

OP your step children are probably polite, kind and loving. They could be amazing children, but they do have more than the average and tend to get given what they want. I treat mine the same, I’m worried they’ll miss out if I don’t take them to the theatre, clubs etc, I would buy them topshop jeans etc and that is my choice. But I need to be aware that they do have too much. I think it’s the way things are given that makes children spoilt e.g. my trainer vs pound shop example.

It kind of doesn't matter if the children are spoilt or not
Mum gets x a month
Dc get x a week
And you'll be saying no to other requests, so don't go to the hairdressers etc before saving up

It is spoiling DC to be stretching yourself financially to accommodate their luxuries though isn’t it?
Most of what you describe isn’t the basics at all. DM isn’t letting them walk around in shoes with holes in. She’s asking for extra treats

It’s very ‘first world problems’ to me. I know that seems harsh! If you had said they have no clothes or shoes and really suffering for the basics I would not be saying they are spoiled

One parent has no job and the other isn’t a high earner - so it makes no sense that anyone is living beyond their means for a 10yo and 15yo

This thread has gone a bit weird. I think we have established yanbu, so what now? What’s your dp going to do?

Any update? Did your dh tell his ex he was reducing the amount?