SCs mum

[RateThisState]

I’ve NC for this because if it’s linked with previous posts of mine it could potentially be identifying.

I’m becoming increasingly exasperated with my SCs mum. She is constantly demanding (not asking for, which would seem nicer in the circumstances) money.

A bit of backstory... DP pays well above CMS amount, pays for mobile phone contracts for the kids, all the expensive uniform bits (bags, shoes, blazers), pays off all haircuts, pocket money, treats for the girls, any trainers etc as they are usually the biggest footwear expense... you get the idea. We also have the kids officially EOW but I can’t remember a single weekend when we didn’t have them for at least one night which is lovely.

Their mum hasn’t worked for around 6 months now and I believe she is looking for a new job so she has my sympathies there. She has a long term partner who doesn’t live there officially but he’s there 6 nights a week minimum and doesn’t have a home of his own (so no rent / mortgage or associated bills).

Anyway, since DP and I started house hunting after saving up a good sized deposit between us she must have found out and is now continually asking for more money, saying things like “I know you must have XX amount in the bank for the deposit, you should give me some”.

It’s really getting on my nerves. We saved for a long time for the house deposit and cut back on all unnecessary outgoings which was difficult with 4 DCs between us.

SC’s DM on the other hand is frittering away money like it’s water. Since Christmas (bear in mind she doesn’t have employment at the moment) she has spent £6.5k on cosmetic surgery, upgraded her car and bought a lot of designer handbags and clothes.

Normally I wouldn’t give a toss about what she spends her money on, it’s her business, but the continual texts and calls for cash from her and really starting to piss me off. I can only assume she’s spending redundancy money but is now running low. BUT she should have been more careful if she knew her income was limited.

For example... DP at the start of the school year gave her 75% of the money for a bus pass for the eldest to get to school. Bus pass was never bought (I suspect the money was spent elsewhere) meaning their DM now pays almost double the cost in bus fare. She’s complained to us several times about this but she chose not to get the bus pass (she only had to contribute an extra £50 to it at the time).

She has been pleading poverty and DP has agreed in the short term to up the maintenance by £50 a week to help her out, so she’s now getting an extra £200 a month on top of everything else because he doesn’t want the kids to go without.

Yesterday we got a call “I bought eldest some new jeans for £40 so you’ll have to transfer your half of the cost over to me later”. I am gobsmacked

She also got eldest SC to call us and say that their DM had bought tickets to a concert for herself and her niece but we’d have to pay for her ticket (£85) because DM couldn’t afford to pay for all 3 of them.
DP is raging because it’s put him in a horrible position because we simply do not have the money and he is raging she’s asked him to pay for their day out! We would never dream of asking their DM to pay for the kids to do activities when they’re with us So now SC isn’t going to the concert and her DM is taking her older cousin!

Yesterday took the biscuit though... DP has just paid £250 for new glasses for both kids (special lenses for the little one makes them a ridiculous cost)... no issue with him buying them, they’re a necessity. He asked their DM if he paid £200 could she pick up the last £50 as we really are on a shoestring this month. She said she doesn’t have it etc etc so we just paid.

Then last night I was on FaceTime to the SCs and they’d been shopping for the afternoon with DM, all lovely and had a nice time. Eldest is really into her designer goods at the minute and starts telling me all about these designer sliders her mum has just bought and “look how pretty they are”.

They are fucking £260 designer sliders. Is she taking the actually piss?!!!

Sorry for the huge rant! I’m just so cross with her!!! She’s taken us for complete mugs money-wise, whilst we’re scrimping and saving to give her extra support she’s spunking large sums of money away on unnecessary crap!!!!

AWBU to tell her to fuck off next time she starts pleading poverty and asking for more money? (Obviously won’t actually tell her to fuck off but that’ll be the jist of it)

What do we do if she continues to not spend it on the kids’ needs... I feel like we’re stuck because we can’t let them suffer because their mum is spending irresponsibly?

The children will not suffer. Unless you think that they aren't being fed, aren't getting to school and aren't generally safe then they are fine. Don't let the mother manipulate you like this

Oh we have no worries at all in that regard. They’re clean, fed, live in a nice home etc.

Above and beyond their basic care needs though their DM seems to think DP should cover everything!

If they are going to the cinema with friends - DP gets called to foot the bill.
They want a new outfit for a party / wedding / christening - DP gets called to foot the bill.
They need a haircut (and colour now for 15yo) - DP gets called to foot the bill.

It goes on and on and on.

Oh brilliant, DP has just this minute had a call from younger SC to say they have a school cookery class next week and he’ll have to take them to the supermarket to get the ingredients. Even though mum is at home all day every day, has the money and it is also her weekend with the SCs this weekend.

Cms basic and dad can talk to the girls directly about any other needs. Given you see them every weekemd, it shouldnt be too hard.

Good plan to cut back to the minimum. Cheeky cah!

Your being taking the micky out of. She gets a lot of money as it is from you guys far far more than most people get for child support!! You need to put a stop to this now or it will only get worse.
Agree a certain amount per month and keep to it. It will be tough for a bit but hopefully she will get the point that your not a cash cow. At the moment she sees no need to budget as your help her out.
Carnt believe how cheeky some people can be, my ex husband gives the children £190 a month in total. No school uniforms, no glasses, no bus pass nothing on top. He actively uses the things i by for the kids to save him buying, eg coat, shoes etc etc.

Oh brilliant, DP has just this minute had a call from younger SC to say they have a school cookery class next week and he’ll have to take them to the supermarket to get the ingredients. Even though mum is at home all day every day, has the money and it is also her weekend with the SCs this weekend

now that is utterly ridiculous. School cookery classes are usually basic as well, things you'd have in the house generally so she really has no excuse for that! The kids must hate having to ring dad every single time they need something as simple as that!

Yes basic CMS and then directly with the girls - at the moment the real problem seems to be she is skimming the money you are sending so stop sending it via her.

I think as well you need to agree with your partner a sensible amount for the girls to have as an allowance for things such as outfits/cinema trips extra and stick to that as well. There does seem to be a little bit of spoiling going on here its unnecessary to spend all of that. At 15 certainly she is old enough to run her own money and her own spending otherwise she is going to end up just like her mother

I wouldn't cut back the CMS. All that does is disadvantage the DCs and none of this is their fault. imo paying less money because their mum is a CF seems petty.
You need to start talking to the DCs about money. You need to say no when you think their mum is being UR.
Try to take all the emotion out of it. In a way, it shouldn't bother you if their mum wants to spend her money on sending it to a nigerian prince. You can't control her spends. You can and should control your's. And not resent her because you give in.

The kids must hate having to ring dad every single time they need something as simple as that

Unfortunately not. They see it as normal because that’s what their mum has encouraged all their lives.

I would also say teens tend to be more consecrative with their ‘own’ money than with parents money

Giving the kids £50 a month for outings and clothes with a boost over the holidays would mean they have to take responsibility and learn to manage the cash.

Next visit take them to open banks accounts and tell them what the money is to be used for, any additional requests such as trips etc are to be discussed beforehand so you can plan

I wouldn't cut back the CMS. All that does is disadvantage the DCs and none of this is their fault
They already are being disadvantaged, they’re barely seeing any of it other than the basic bills being met. We’d have zero issue paying more if it was actually being spent on the DCs... but it’s not. Other than household bills and food their mother is providing literally nothing else.

At least by buying all their clothes, giving pocket money and continuing to buy essentials such as uniform, phones and glasses etc then we know the SCs are getting exactly what they need.

Currently, it appears the extra money we are giving is simply funding mum’s lifestyle and not enhancing the kids’.

I wouldn't cut back the CMS. All that does is disadvantage the DCs and none of this is their fault. imo paying less money because their mum is a CF seems petty.
You need to start talking to the DCs about money. You need to say no when you think their mum is being UR.
Try to take all the emotion out of it. In a way, it shouldn't bother you if their mum wants to spend her money on sending it to a nigerian prince. You can't control her spends. You can and should control your's. And not resent her because you give in

whether op and her dh send the mum £100 or £1000 a week, its never going to be enough for this woman. She is putting her children at a disadvantage, because she is spending all this money on herself, and we know that because if it wasn't the case, she wouldn't need to keep asking for more.

She is the problem here, not op or her DH.

I’d actually suggest kids live with you full time as she clearly can’t cope financially. She would then be able to get a job and pay you CM....

Honestly - go back to basic CM

I wouldn't cut back the CMS. All that does is disadvantage the DCs and none of this is their fault. imo paying less money because their mum is a CF seems petty.

I wouldn't necessarily cut down what is actually spent on the DCs, but I would 100% cut down on what goes into their mothers bank account. She can have the minimum which is to contribute to housing/utilities and food for the DC. Their dad can then take the credit for the extras he is spending when they are with him/the pocket money they get.

(Also, if I wanted my hair coloured at 15, it would have come out of my allowance. That's how I learned to prioritise and decide if things were worth their cost.)

Rate I think you need to figure out though an amount that covers that and stick to it as well. How much does a 15 year old need for clothes a month etc

His ex needs to contact Dh and agree to booking courses, tickets for gigs etc before paying for them. If she chooses to buy tickets without consultation and agreement then Dh can tell her to fuck off if she looks for money. Time to cop on and stop feeding into her manipulation. Of course she will try to guilt him by saying the kids are missing out, but they really aren't.

When you say they are with you EOW, is that a full week as in 50/50 split? If so then should he even be paying maintenance?

@Drum2018 EOW means every other weekend... but like I said we have them most weekends which is nice.

@AuntMarch I agree about the hair colour... but what DM does is call us either an hour or so before the appointment or like last time whilst it is actually taking place and say “Well you need to ping the money across now because the hairdresser needs paying and I only have £30”
Cue frantic upset phone calls from SD saying she doesn’t have the money to pay for it because mum said she was doing it.

Seriously. I’m not making this up.

Stop giving her the extra money. Just stop.

Refuse to have the discussions. Point out if she can't afford them, you'll have the children and she can pay maintenance.

Cookery class - nope. Mum can do it or the SD can go without but be VERY clear that it's because her mum is not getting the stuff for her.

The girls definitely need to be taught about budgets - right now it seems they have been made to believe it is their father’s (or a man’s?) job to provide pretty much unlimited amounts to spend on any non-essentials they require, backed up by how their mother seems to set the example. Particularly at 15 they should know how to save and budget for themselves through a monthly allowance for those things. Clearly the glasses/bus pass/ school stuff is different but probably best to pay that in full directly rather than rely on any action or contribution by their mother. Your problem is not just the mother- it is spreading to the children, if it hasn’t already. The 15yo needs to already know that 260 quid for designer slides if you don’t actually have money to spend is a ridiculous waste.

She is black mailing your DH into paying - can the see that?

He should’ve said No! He’s equally at fault for raising entitled children

Her and her DM should’ve faced the embarrassment for the hairdressers -

I agree with previous poster, as a teenager the extra ££ above the CMS amount could be paid into the teenagers own bank accounts and they can learn for themselves how far £50-100/month will go on buying a few treats, clothes and other things for themselves, and learn to save/budget for things they want/need. By pass the SM on this.

Plant of course OP and her DH aren't the problem but they can't get the other woman to change. They can only change how they deal with her. And since the mum isn't currently working, I would continue with the extra payments at least until she gets a job.

its not their problem that she's not working, maintenance is not based on how little or how much the RP earns.

I would pay basic maintenance to her, and then pay for extras like uniforms, bus passes and give the kids an allowance.

I would NOT be lining the pockets of a woman who is clearly taking the piss out of them.

Honestly your DP needs to bounce it back to their DM and call her out on it. And let the children know he is paying more than his fair share, and if they're missing out its on her not him. He also needs to be better boundaried - does he feel guilty for not being the RP? Chucking money at every situation/whim doesn't foster good feeling. Why is he paying for the 15 y/o to have her hair coloured? If she wants it that badly, either save pocket money or get a part time job, you don't get to demand expensive haircuts just because!

I'd echo what others said about giving the SC their own money for certain things - like a clothes allowance, or whatever. Never too young to learn to manage a small sum of money!

And since the mum isn't currently working, I would continue with the extra payments at least until she gets a job.

Why the hell should he fund his ex till she gets a job? She has a partner.