SCs mum

[RateThisState]

I’ve NC for this because if it’s linked with previous posts of mine it could potentially be identifying.

I’m becoming increasingly exasperated with my SCs mum. She is constantly demanding (not asking for, which would seem nicer in the circumstances) money.

A bit of backstory... DP pays well above CMS amount, pays for mobile phone contracts for the kids, all the expensive uniform bits (bags, shoes, blazers), pays off all haircuts, pocket money, treats for the girls, any trainers etc as they are usually the biggest footwear expense... you get the idea. We also have the kids officially EOW but I can’t remember a single weekend when we didn’t have them for at least one night which is lovely.

Their mum hasn’t worked for around 6 months now and I believe she is looking for a new job so she has my sympathies there. She has a long term partner who doesn’t live there officially but he’s there 6 nights a week minimum and doesn’t have a home of his own (so no rent / mortgage or associated bills).

Anyway, since DP and I started house hunting after saving up a good sized deposit between us she must have found out and is now continually asking for more money, saying things like “I know you must have XX amount in the bank for the deposit, you should give me some”.

It’s really getting on my nerves. We saved for a long time for the house deposit and cut back on all unnecessary outgoings which was difficult with 4 DCs between us.

SC’s DM on the other hand is frittering away money like it’s water. Since Christmas (bear in mind she doesn’t have employment at the moment) she has spent £6.5k on cosmetic surgery, upgraded her car and bought a lot of designer handbags and clothes.

Normally I wouldn’t give a toss about what she spends her money on, it’s her business, but the continual texts and calls for cash from her and really starting to piss me off. I can only assume she’s spending redundancy money but is now running low. BUT she should have been more careful if she knew her income was limited.

For example... DP at the start of the school year gave her 75% of the money for a bus pass for the eldest to get to school. Bus pass was never bought (I suspect the money was spent elsewhere) meaning their DM now pays almost double the cost in bus fare. She’s complained to us several times about this but she chose not to get the bus pass (she only had to contribute an extra £50 to it at the time).

She has been pleading poverty and DP has agreed in the short term to up the maintenance by £50 a week to help her out, so she’s now getting an extra £200 a month on top of everything else because he doesn’t want the kids to go without.

Yesterday we got a call “I bought eldest some new jeans for £40 so you’ll have to transfer your half of the cost over to me later”. I am gobsmacked

She also got eldest SC to call us and say that their DM had bought tickets to a concert for herself and her niece but we’d have to pay for her ticket (£85) because DM couldn’t afford to pay for all 3 of them.
DP is raging because it’s put him in a horrible position because we simply do not have the money and he is raging she’s asked him to pay for their day out! We would never dream of asking their DM to pay for the kids to do activities when they’re with us So now SC isn’t going to the concert and her DM is taking her older cousin!

Yesterday took the biscuit though... DP has just paid £250 for new glasses for both kids (special lenses for the little one makes them a ridiculous cost)... no issue with him buying them, they’re a necessity. He asked their DM if he paid £200 could she pick up the last £50 as we really are on a shoestring this month. She said she doesn’t have it etc etc so we just paid.

Then last night I was on FaceTime to the SCs and they’d been shopping for the afternoon with DM, all lovely and had a nice time. Eldest is really into her designer goods at the minute and starts telling me all about these designer sliders her mum has just bought and “look how pretty they are”.

They are fucking £260 designer sliders. Is she taking the actually piss?!!!

Sorry for the huge rant! I’m just so cross with her!!! She’s taken us for complete mugs money-wise, whilst we’re scrimping and saving to give her extra support she’s spunking large sums of money away on unnecessary crap!!!!

AWBU to tell her to fuck off next time she starts pleading poverty and asking for more money? (Obviously won’t actually tell her to fuck off but that’ll be the jist of it)

What do we do if she continues to not spend it on the kids’ needs... I feel like we’re stuck because we can’t let them suffer because their mum is spending irresponsibly?

Sorry, going off the subject but why is anyone paying £250 for glasses. Isn’t eye care free for anyone under 16/18?

Sounds like she’s using credit cards and is about to hit her limit!

And £40 jeans £85 gig £60 hair lol no way

Witchtower they give you £50 towards glasses which covers the most basic frame and just one pair. Things such as better frames, compressed and coated lenses, sunglasses, spare pairs add up. It is definitely not free!

I agree with all the other replies, pay Ex the basic and deal direct with the girls - Nationwide do an account for under 18s with a contactless / cashpoint card.

Also .... my kids wear glasses - they are free to school age children!! Contact lenses no so, as they are not 'essential' but glasses (most frames at Specsavers) absolutely covered by NHS

@Quartz2208 that’s shocking. I’m still confused, unless the children have a specific eye condition and need special lenses then surely the £50 for the frame and lens is absolutely fine.

I think I’m trying to work out if both are over spenders. I know I’ve really gone off subject. I’m quite a bit of an over spender and then get pissed off that I have nothing.

Yes to reducing the monthly money.
Set up an account for sd with a card. Tell her it's her PIN number and the bank will cancel her account if she shared it.
A big family discussion about how money is spent.
Dad gives money to mum every month for food and everyday essentials.
Dad buys uniform etc
They both get pocket money off him, I'd do weekly so less chance of mum taking it.
When they've spent their money it's gone and don't ring for more.
Then tell mum she's taking the piss.
What age will it stop, mum needs to be prepared.

She's taking the piss.
Go through a cms calculator pay her that exact amount then set up accounts for you sc and pay money for clothes etc into there. Set a budget e.g. £50 a month and tell them it has to last them all month.

@RateThisState excluding the extra £200 that your partner is giving his ex how much is the standard maintenance that he pays every month?

Glasses are the thing you wear the most so they need to suit you. The coating on the lenses prevent glare from lights, lenses very quickly get thick even at the lower ends and you need sunglasses to see

I grew up in the 80s wearing glasses that I only have the choice of one or two horrible frames, Lights having glare around them and being conscious of how thick my lenses were. Now there are options I use them as does my daughter. It’s absolutely worth it if you can afford it particularly if you are a teenager.

I have a lovely pair from Specsavers and they were £30. I did once pay extra for a anti glare but that cost me an extra £30 on top of my £50 voucher. It would have been £80 in total but £30 due to the voucher.

Once again totally off subject. The ex sounds like she’s super pissed off. Considering OP gas 2 DC with her husband then I’m assuming they split a while ago. Not at all defending the ex but I would love to see her side.

Pay the basic maintenance amount, anything else you buy yourself for the kids, no more handing cash over at all. Sit the girls down and explain to them the situation and that their Dad pays their mum every month and they've not to keep asking for cash. They will end up graspers like their mum with no concept of value.

It sounds like your DP has contributed to this insane situation by being such a pushover.

A 15 year old should be able to understand the financials. He needs to sit down and make it totally clear how it will be working from now on, again this could have been done before now to avoid all the upset.

His DC need to be in no doubt that he won't pay for anything that isn't agreed in advance and he won't be blackmailed by last minute phone calls.

It's good that you are sensible enough to protect your own savings.

@Witchtower the eye test is free, the glasses aren’t. Younger SD was born premature and has issues with her eyes. Both needed glasses this time though as it appears older SD has become short sighted.
Excluding the extra £200 she was getting around £500 a month plus all the extras we pay for phones, insurances for laptops / iPads, activities, uniforms, haircuts etc.

To put it into perspective CMS recommend £280. She is not going short at all.

Also in response to this...
Once again totally off subject. The ex sounds like she’s super pissed off. Considering OP gas 2 DC with her husband then I’m assuming they split a while ago. Not at all defending the ex but I would love to see her side

They are my children not my DP’s. Myself and my ExH pay for our children, DP only has to support his own. I’m the higher earner in our household and neither of us are on a massive wage.
DP and their mum split 9 years ago when she had an affair with a colleague. DP and I have been together for 4.5yrs. In that time the mum has had several long term relationships (not that this info is relevant to her irresponsible spending).

If CMS only recommends £280pm, your DH can't be on that high of a wage - stop supplementing her lack of financial planning, that's crazy.

@Rtmhwales correct. He is not a high earner.
I think after her behaviour this week he’s finally seen the light and woken up to the fact she’s taking advantage of him

I can’t see the separate bank accounts working. I think their mum will emotionally blackmail them into giving her the money too be honest.
I think you’d be better telling them that they get X amount a month and telling them to write down a budget.
If they want something they can go to their dad who will pay but once it’s gone it’s gone.

That way they’re learning to budget and you have full access to the money so it can be redirected to anyone else.

It could work by buying pre paid cards but only putting set amounts on when asked / or dad ordering online using his card or taking did to the shop to get it.

I wouldn’t trust the mum not to try and get at the money tbh.

I think you and your DH need a budget -

The kids need to know what that budget is, and that’s it, not a penny more

Teens can understand budgets and it’s surprising how quickly they begin to value money. They don’t have this because your DH puts his hand in his pocket every time

I’m guessing your partner is self employed?

Sounds like she is totally taking the piss OP and thinks that you and your DH are an open cash machine to dip into whenever she fancies. You need to knock it on the head as it will just continue.

OP the reason I ask is because £500 seems reasonable for basics but not clothes, phones etc which you say your partner pays for anyway. But from what your saying in your posts it sounds like the kids may be slightly spoilt and might be playing both of you by guilt tripping you into buying the things they want. They clearly get their expensive taste from their mother.

I’m not at all bashing you. Your situation sounds really frustrating. Has she always been so demanding when it comes to money? Does she always fritter away her money on designer goods or is this a recent thing? Something must have triggered this, unless she’s always been like this and her struggles are down to her job. If she’s always been a spender I would assume she’s always been demanding. You can’t buy designer hand bags on an average wage unless your maxing our credit cards.

@Witchtower no he’s not self employed, he’s worked for the same company for 15yrs however Brexit uncertainty has really affected his industry and reduced the availability of overtime and weekend work to top up his income. His take home pay has dropped by almost 1/3 in the last 2 years but he still didn’t adjust the amount of maintenance he was paying to reflect that because he was trying to do the decent thing.

OP the reason I ask is because £500 seems reasonable for basics but not clothes, phones etc which you say your partner pays for anyway

Really? It’s a hell of a lot more than anyone else I know gets in CMS?! We live in a relatively cheap part of the UK where the average rent for a 3 bed house is only £750-800pcm and single person discount council tax is only around £65 a month.
Bear in mind she only has to pay for the household bills and feed them, all extras appear to be coming from DP only.
Having had a fairly recent stint as a single parent as DP and I have only lived together for around 1 year, I know how she’ll have an income from universal credit of around £1200-500 per month on top of DP’s maintenance. It’s enough to live comfortably on if you budget properly. So even if DP drops to basic CMS she’d have just under £2K a month to live on. DP’s wage is similar to that.

Has she always been so demanding when it comes to money? Does she always fritter away her money on designer goods or is this a recent thing

DP has told me she has always been careless with money and during their relationship had run up massive credit card debt. I’ve never given it a second thought before (mostly because how spends her money is her business and it’s never really affected me until now) but I suspect since she’s stopped working she has zero income so debts can spiral quickly. Again, if she’d come to us and explained that was the situation we would have helped and continued the extra payments for a while... but her recent large purchases show she’s got no intention of rectifying the situation off her own back.
Apparently she’s getting a Dyson hairdryer next week (girls are excited that’s how we know). I’ve just googled how much they are... they’re £300.

I think we’ll have

Sorry posted too soon.
I think we’ll have to agree a budget for extras and say to the kids when it’s gone it’s gone.

Also thinking about it... her demands have increased since she’s aware we’ve been house hunting. The kids know our budget because had to explain to them that we will likely have quite a small house to begin with so we’ll have to just all muck in for a year or two until we can afford an extension. Kids know how much we’ve saved, so I wonder if they’ve mentioned to mum “Dad and Rate have saved up £X thousand” and now their DM thinks she deserves a cut of it?

I agree that you should seriously consider dropping CMS back to the amount it's calculated at and then continue to pay for certain extras such as clothes, school trips, glasses etc but be very clear about what these extras are. Maybe your DH could give his eldest daughter a small allowance directly until she's old enough to get a part time job.
Ex wife is being a total CF but as others have said she's getting away with it.
Basically she's still expecting her ex husband to pay for her lifestyle as well as the kids and he needs to cut these financial ties to her.
The kids also need to realise that Dad can't pay for everything. If one can't go to a pop concert then that's tough - plenty of kids parents can't afford for them to do that. It's Mum who should feel bad about that, she's the one who bought herself a ticket and not one for her daughter. He needs to start saying no. If you don't have the money then you can't give it, simple as.

OP let’s be honest CMS is bloody shite and your DP is going above and beyond his requirements legally but morally he is doing the right thing. £250 a month for each child. Rent/mortgage, food, and bills seems reasonable. We all know how much the food shop costs especially with toiletries.

Once again I’m really not defending her. It just sounds like the kids have more to play in this. The post about her mums shoes is very boasty. They prob ask for top of the range clothes etc e.g. the jeans. Maybe set the mum a budget (as everyone has said) but also budget the kids.

Wow and I thought I was being a bit arsey about getting dd to ask her dad to buy a bag she wants (not needs) for a school trip. But then I may get £30/£40 maintenance every few months 😂

She is being a massive CF op. Do as you plan, knock cms to the basic, or round it up to £300 to be generous. Pay for the kids actual items as and when they need/want.
Get prepared for her kickoff which reading about her is more than likely going to happen.

Sit down and speak to the kids.