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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask those who have high earning partners......

469 replies

Hollypies · 16/04/2019 20:33

I’m shocked by the amount of women on MN with very high earning DP/DHs and I wonder, how did you meet and what is your life like? I can appreciate this is a little nosey, but after years of dating/being in relationships with men who are very low earners and with no ambitions in terms of their career....I’m very curious. I’ve always assumed that highly successful men/women usually mix with their own kind and meet an equally high earning spouse through their work or social circle... but thought it’d be interesting to ask!

OP posts:
mimibunz · 19/04/2019 19:43

Not sure if My situation applies but DH earns £110k, I earn £26k. We have no children. We met 10 years ago in our late 30s on OLD. Turns out we both thought that life had passed us by in terms of finding a partner. He was geeky and I was weird, but we fit well together. Voila! He’s still a geek and I’m still strange af, but it works for us and money has never been an issue.

CupOhTea · 19/04/2019 19:48

How would you feel if your DH came home and announced that they wanted not to work anymore but wanted to stay at home?

I’d absolutely love it if dh came home and announced he wasn’t working anymore. We have enough saved, (and a good chunk of that is an inheritance from my late mother, not money dh has worked for), that we could sell up and fuck off to a cheaper part of the country. He could look after the kids all day and I’d be thrilled to go out and find a job. ANY job would do, as in the place we have in mind, even minimum wage would cover bills. It would be fab.

I remember working full time in ‘normal’, (not high powered / high stress jobs), and it was a lot easier than being at home with two children.

If my dh decided to quit his job which has the potential to be very stressful, though it doesn’t seem to get to him, I would completely support him. At points I have actually suggested it. My perfect scenario would be that we each worked part time and watched the kids the rest of the time. Funnily, he doesn’t fancy it. It must be because his job is so hard but I selfishly demand to stay at home ffs 🙄.

The reason I don’t work is because it would COST us money if I went back to work in such a job.

So, save your tears for my dh. He’s doing absolutely fine out of the arrangement we have.

I know at least 2 couples were in their late 40s/50s that have broken up because the wife refused to work after the children has started school in 1 case and left home in the other.

Either you happen to know two very strange couples, or you aren’t getting the full picture.

Was it the exh who said his exw “refused” to go to work? And when did the relationships with the new wives begin I wonder...? It’s classic. Men find a shiny new woman and rewrite history; “she’s controlling and... and... she REFUSED to go to work. I begged her to please help me, but she just REFUSED 😢”. Hmm spare me.

MODGNIK · 19/04/2019 19:50

I am high earning. My DH is very high earning.

His colleagues are very high earning. If they have first wife they tend to be housewives, if they have 2nd wife they tend to be high earning.

The number of 2nd wives/new partners increases year on year.

i wonder if the million pound pension cap has supported this.
Anecdotal of course!

JacquesHammer · 19/04/2019 19:53

If they have first wife they tend to be housewives, if they have 2nd wife they tend to be high earning

I’m the ex-wife. I was high-earning, SAHM for 5 years, worked with ex-H and I’m now high-earning again. Ex-H’s wife currently doesn’t work, they have no kids.

SoyDora · 19/04/2019 19:53

Ah well if that’s what you see MODGNIK then it must be the same for everyone. Nothing like my experience though.

MODGNIK · 19/04/2019 19:54

Was it the exh who said his exw “refused” to go to work?

no, one was a family member who just said she wouldnt work and the other is a couple i have know for many years.

MODGNIK · 19/04/2019 19:56

Ah well if that’s what you see MODGNIK then it must be the same for everyone. Nothing like my experience though.

And that is the joy of mumsnet- sharing anecdotal /first hand experiences.

SoyDora · 19/04/2019 19:57

His colleagues are very high earning. If they have first wife they tend to be housewives, if they have 2nd wife they tend to be high earning

Well that gets them the best of both worlds doesn’t it? Someone to provide them with a couple of kids and to look after them 90% of the time, while they fuck off with someone who can help them have the life of luxury they always wanted (while being a Disney dad to their kids every other weekend). Not the sort of man I’d like to be with, as either their first or second wife.

mbosnz · 19/04/2019 20:00

Well, for us, we've always thoroughly discussed and negotiated what was going to happen. Once we had children, they were our paramount concern. His career has placed huge stress on our family (not in a vacuum, there were other factors at play, but that has been a continuous stress on us all).

Me earning (high or otherwise) was not actually a necessity for our family's wellbeing. And that's what mattered most - more than my ego or his - our family's wellbeing. I'm really quite comfortable that I'm the first wife and I'll be the last.

He respects what I contribute. I respect what he contributes. To me, that's the key.

CupOhTea · 19/04/2019 20:02

Was it the exh who said his exw “refused” to go to work?

no, one was a family member who just said she wouldnt work and the other is a couple i have know for many years.

And the family member heard that from...? And the wife of the couple you knew for many years told you herself that she point blank refused to work? Or did you hear it from the dh?

Btw, I should reiterate that my dh is not high earning, (thank fuck, if @MOGDNIK’s pals are anything to go by. Princes among men they sound Hmm). So I don’t have any particular dog in this fight, but I do really hate it when twunty men fuck over and assassinate the characters of their exws because they’ve had their heads turned.

Sheogorath · 19/04/2019 20:43

Well they did where we used to live! And they do where we live now. It absolutely isn't a regardless of where you live thing.

Well less than 7% of children on the UK go to private school so where you live is vastly different than most of the UK.

collectingcpd · 19/04/2019 20:54

You don't have to sacrifice your own career for a partner to be successful
But you do have to sacrifice your career if you want to be more than a weekend mum; and that is ultimately why many women don’t pursue careers. And, in my experience at least, the ones that don’t give up their careers generally don’t have much of a choice- they often outstrip their partners income to the point that them giving up work would require a radical change in lifestyle.

MrsChollySawcutt · 19/04/2019 20:58

"But you do have to sacrifice your career if you want to be more than a weekend mum; and that is ultimately why many women don’t pursue careers"

What a load of patronising bullshit. So because I have a successful career, I am just a weekend Mum?! Fucking disgraceful, you've just insulted all the hard- working mothers in the world. Well done you.

Wouldlikeanap · 19/04/2019 20:59

Define high earning? Our combined income is about £120K currently but due to rise to about £150K in the next 2-3 years but I wouldn't say we are high earning or wealthy. I earn slightly more than DH.

Rufusthebewilderedreindeer · 19/04/2019 21:01

would

Op clarified that she felt 100 k + was high earning

Then a bazillion posts followed saying 100k was chump change

Grin

I exaggerate but only slightly

Wouldlikeanap · 19/04/2019 21:03

I haven't sacrificed my career at all, and I am not a "weekend mum". I feel I am a very good mum to my 2 sons.

I am a professional with an established career, I work 3-4 days a week. DH works full time and is a very involved father.

Wouldlikeanap · 19/04/2019 21:12

I do find this thread quite irksome actually. To actually be aiming to meet a high earning man? I find it difficult to believe women still think like this.

Why not rely on your own ability to provide for yourself? I was from a very underprivileged background, state educated but have worked extremely hard my whole life and have a high income and well considered career. I always wanted to be able to provide for myself and have financial independence.

Wouldlikeanap · 19/04/2019 21:13

Thanks Rufus, I definitely wouldn't say its chump change!

Rufusthebewilderedreindeer · 19/04/2019 21:22

No worries would

Cafetierecoffee · 19/04/2019 21:31

^I’m afraid it isn’t.

And another one^

Not me.

Absofrigginlootly · 19/04/2019 21:55

His colleagues are very high earning. If they have first wife they tend to be housewives, if they have 2nd wife they tend to be high earning

Well that gets them the best of both worlds doesn’t it? Someone to provide them with a couple of kids and to look after them 90% of the time, while they fuck off with someone who can help them have the life of luxury they always wanted (while being a Disney dad to their kids every other weekend). Not the sort of man I’d like to be with, as either their first or second wife.

Yes exactly what I was thinking!!! Get your first wife to look after your kids and save you childcare fees, while she enables you to focus on your career. Then dump her when the kids are grown and get yourself another model who earns money independently so you can keep your pension all to yourself. Did all the sacrifices your first wife made to help you earn that pension and have a family at the same time! Hmm

Absofrigginlootly · 19/04/2019 21:57

*dont worry about all the sacrifices

Smumzo · 19/04/2019 21:59

It's insulting to those of us that were high earners but chose to stay home to say "how 1950's". I wanted kids. I wanted to breastfeed and to breastfeed up to the WHO guideline of 2 years (didn't make it but came close enough!). If we'd both carried on being high earners we'd have never had any time as a family and the kids would have been either factory farmed out to nurseries or nannies at very young ages. It's great that some seem to have managed to "have it all" but I think it's irresponsible to pretend like that's normal to young girls or that they will have no problem hauling themselves away from the baby they spent 9 months carrying.

Xenia · 19/04/2019 22:04

I don't agere that you have to be a weekend mother only if you are successful. Plenty of women are a huge presence in the lives of their chidlren. Eg I found it easier to get to schoolplays etc than their father as he was a teacher tied to a classroom in term time and I could manage my own time and fix my own diary and choose to be free pretty much when I needed to be - in other words the higher earners particularly those of us who own the business get the money plus the ability to control hours and work in some cases (not all by wany means). Money tends to give you power and control particularly if you earn it rather than living off male earnings which can be more fickle.

MsTSwift · 19/04/2019 22:17

Depends where you are in your career I was middle level senior associate in the city when I had dd1 doing corporate international work and was working crazy crazy hours would definitely have been a weekend mother. No way of combining that with being as present as I wanted to be so jacked it in. 6 years of sahm now working for myself and earning 2/3 of my city salary in the country. There isnt a rule book or “right” way of doing this. Marry a rich man and sitting back too risky (not to mention dull when kids at school)

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