To ask those who have high earning partners......

[Hollypies]

I’m shocked by the amount of women on MN with very high earning DP/DHs and I wonder, how did you meet and what is your life like? I can appreciate this is a little nosey, but after years of dating/being in relationships with men who are very low earners and with no ambitions in terms of their career....I’m very curious. I’ve always assumed that highly successful men/women usually mix with their own kind and meet an equally high earning spouse through their work or social circle... but thought it’d be interesting to ask!

DH earns over 400k, though a lot of that is bonuses which varies from year to year. He works in tech. He is quite senior, and his working hours are flexible, so he can work from home when he wants, can spend time with dcs in the morning before he leaves for work, and is home for bath/bed time, and he travels with work about once a year. He has a 25 min walking commute, as we prioritised an easy commute when we were looking for somewhere to live.

We've been together for 10 years and we met in a bar, but it was an organised meet-up of a group of people through a shared sport. His earnings were more like 100k back then, so he was already a high earner when I met him but not as high as he earns now. He is working in the same sector as he was when I met him, and was already on track for his current role, and I believe he would have ended up earning as much as he does now, whether he'd met me or not. I was on a very low income as a single mum when I met him, and I was a carer for my disabled child. We don't come from similar backgrounds. He grew up abroad with parents who worked in medicine, while I grew up in a council flat in the UK and my parents worked in minimum wage jobs. He has several degrees from Ivy League universities, I have a couple of degrees from middling Russell Group unis. But our shared interest in sport and culture has meant we enjoyed doing a lot of the same activities together.

Life is very comfortable - we don't really budget or think about the cost of things (within reason - neither of us have expensive tastes or are spendthrifts though). During the time we've been together, I've been a SAHM/carer, student, and now I run a small business from home.

I would say never completely give up your career even if DP is a high earner....it gives you independence and freedom and staying with DP for the right reasons...

Do you literally just mean £100,000 a year then? That's actually not that much money

Uhhh, you’re joking right? That’s more than I earn in 5 years.

£100k is a lot but it is £66k after tax. less 6750 graduate tax (9%) for many = £59,250 and no child benefit I think either and presumably about £20k - £40k for two full time toddler places in a London nursery if you work full time which most people on £100k have to do so could mean £100k = £19k net for your housing food etc. if you are a single parent.

That’s true Xenia, with pricy childcare you’re not rolling in it on 100k.

We met at uni when we were both penniless.

yes, I just wanted to make it clear that after childcare and after £34k tax/NI and nearly £7k graduate tax your £100k gets down to below benefits cap levels even! However it of course gives women more choices particularly later when children are off their hands as they still have that incomewhen they are no longe rpaying 9% graduate tax and have no childcare costs... mind you being in year 34 of being a parent my at university twins still seem to cost a lot!

On the other hand Xenia with grown up dc it's very handy pin money. But you are absolutely right and it's a London centric combined with no parental help issue.

I find it strange how some posters say they wouldn’t like to earn huge salaries because of all the stress and long hours it brings. I have a friend on around £200k and he works 8am-5pm Monday to Friday. He’s in finance in the City and admits that the job is not particularly stressful.

Some people get less stressed than others. DH is in a high stress job but is personally v resillient.

Yes, I don't feel stress very much whatever the circumstances. I'm lucky.Also I have given up the work travel /most meetings now I don't have small children to keep so earn quite a bit with very little stress, presumably less than my van driver son might be subject to with traffic jams and deadlines.

My job has peaks and troughs of stress but the hours are very decent (8.30-4.30)

Ah yeah there are those jobs aren’t there? I know someone who for many years (now semi retired) made upwards of £200k p/a and this was not even in London or SE England, it was in NI, so a much less privileged part of the uk. He barely worked! I think he did one - three full days a week and then dropped in as and when he fancied. He’d obviously put in the work in the years before and was very stressed then, high bp etc, but when he his his mid fifties he seemed to have a lot less to do but a huge salary!

Generally though this is a very very London-centric thread. Childcare is also crippling and massively more expensive in London (and its expensive everywhere!) but it is a relatively short period of time. One person earning 100k gets less after tax than 2 people earning 50k.

Outside the SE if you earn 100k a year or have joint incomes of 100k you are very comfortably off or you are a twat with money.

Met at University as poor students

@Teateaandmoretea I would agree with you re it being a London centric thread. There have been some people on here who can't fathom how others could have a 6 figure income.
But here is an illustration:
two children at private school in SW London (£3k per month)
a nanny @ £3k per month
mortgage @ £2k per month

£2000 on living generally, which is very conservative in London in a 2 parent, considering it includes bills, food, clothing and going out for 2 parent, 2 children family.
Total = £10k per month

To earn £10k net per month, you need to earn £205,000.

The people in the scenario above haven't saved a penny or been on holiday so chances are they might not feel particularly wealthy in SW London given that they are probably living in a victorian terraced house (which may or may not one day be subject to "mansion tax")

The above is reality for most people I know in terms of monthly outgoings.
So while I can imagine that in parts of the UK, the idea of a £200k salary would be wealthy, living an average life in London on £200k would mean you probably wouldn't be going on holiday much.

(Fully acknowledging that nannies and private schools are all choices people choose to make but there isn't often any alternative in London given a lot of the good state schools have tiny catchments and very few of us have family locally to help out with childcare plus good nurseries are often full unless you've been savvy enough to put your name down while pregnant)

I think actually being comfortably off is just about being financially secure and happy with what you have. People get told they are lucky for having no mortgage for example, the people I know without mortgages tend to be satisfied with a smaller house/ dont have a driveway full of flash cars. Tbh having dc in private school and a full time nanny blows my mind, but we clearly live in different circles.

I'm comfortably off but suspect I have lower expectations of life than a lot of other people.....

We were that SW London family. Albeit without the nanny but I had a period as a sahm and chose to work locally when the dc were at school and coast for a few years. That meant we were able to manage with an au-pair. That was about £500pcm but the other side of that was that I earnt £30k pa less than if I'd gone back to central london. But that was a lifestyle choice made with the needs of the dc in mind.

We sold up in London about 5 years ago to escape the spectre of the mansion tax. Fitted with the DC unplugging from local schools. It's extraordinary that London schools statistically do well compared to the rest of the country. We couldn't see how but accepted we were the wrong religion and that ds's academic leanings were inconsistent with the SW London grammars' science bent.

I agree the sums mentioned are ridiculous outside of London. In London with a £2k mortgage, £200/month commute, etc etc it doesn't go as far.

That said I think anyone earning these amounts should know just how lucky they are.
I am fortunate to earn six figures, my DH earns about £30k and works just as hard as me, probably harder as he does a physical job. We don't feel rich though to some we must be. But we're fortunate and lucky and that's important to recognise.

High earner type can be narcissistic or Asperger types, not an easy path

Oh no, not Asperger types, anything but that.

two children at private school in SW London (£3k per month)

Because god forbid the should go to state school like over 90% of the population.

Before I came to mumsnet I didn't realise that people actually call things 'common' with a straight face.

CamillafromCobham

Classic mumsnet dreamland.

Wealthy means having lots of money. It doesn't matter whether you choose to spend that money on holidays or private schools and nannies, the fact is that if you have that much money, you are very very wealthy. How can anyone with a brain cell say "but we spend all of our money on really expensive things so we've not actually rich"?

CamillafromCobham

Classic mumsnet dreamland.

I’m afraid it isn’t.