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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my friend is making a poor decision.

134 replies

samsamsamsamsamsam · 16/04/2019 15:17

My friend has a husband and a child who is seven. She wants another baby but he doesn't, so she's said that she going to leave him. This is despite (and I quote) 'I do love him, but I want another baby'.

My concern is her 7 year old. I feel it is just wrong to break up a family for something you want (not need) and the fact that she already has a child, so it isn't like she isn't experiencing motherhood. And he is a good guy too.

I have just said things like 'are you sure?' etc, but I can't help thinking its all a bit odd.

OP posts:
Stiffasaboard · 16/04/2019 15:18

Her life her decision
And there may be more to it, there may not.

I’m sure she has thought about her 7 year old.

whyiinstigate · 16/04/2019 15:20

I do know people like that though, they can't imagine not having a second.

BlackeyedGruesome · 16/04/2019 15:20

That urge to have another can be very strong.

QueenEhlana · 16/04/2019 15:22

If she feels that strongly about it then her resentment towards her DH will continue to grow, and when she reaches menopause could quite likely get out of control and turn to hatred. Best she leaves now.

Original poster
samsamsamsamsamsam · 16/04/2019 15:27

Hmm yeah, I'm just finding it all strange. I know about the urge to have another or to have a child in the first place. I just don't know why it's worth leaving a man she loves for. And why its generally seen as an acceptable urge to disrupt lives for, when others aren't, such as my urge for a year off work (joke).

Like you say her life her decision, just an odd decision given she doesn't even have the means to have another child (apart from artificial insemination).

OP posts:
zeeboo · 16/04/2019 15:28

I'd have done what your friend plans to do. I'd rather my child had a step Dad and a sibling than their birth father in the house and grow up an only child. Not a slur on anyone who has and wants only one child but that was never for me and dh agreed as soon as he proposed that we would be having at least 3 children. If he had broken that agreement I'd see it as a breakdown of the marriage.

NaturatintGoldenChestnut · 16/04/2019 15:29

It's none of your business. I've always found people who scold women like this usually smugly have the number of children they desire and just 'can't believe a person would do this'.

Mismade · 16/04/2019 15:30

I'd rather my child had a step Dad and a sibling than their birth father in the house and grow up an only child.

With respect, that sounds quite mad.

NaturatintGoldenChestnut · 16/04/2019 15:33

With respect, that sounds quite mad.

To you. Instead of writing insincere nonsense like 'with respect' why not be honest and just say in your opinion it makes no sense.

Makes sense to others, however.

DH and I agreed at least 2 children at marriage, if he'd reneged I wouldn't have stayed and he might not have, either.

Original poster
samsamsamsamsamsam · 16/04/2019 15:34

I haven't scolded anyone Naturatint.... and it is my business since she has discussed with me and asked my opinion.

And yes you are right, I can't really believe anyone would upset a family dynamic such as theirs (where she says she loves him and is otherwise happy) for this.

OP posts:
LettuceLeave · 16/04/2019 15:35

I'd love another baby, but if my my OH refused I wouldn't leave him. I think it's completely unfair for my daughter to grow up without her Dad for the sake of having a sibling. Especially when she can have friends over all the time instead!

whyiinstigate · 16/04/2019 15:35

It's a shame for the kid though - it makes it very "mememe"

But some people are like that.

Original poster
samsamsamsamsamsam · 16/04/2019 15:36

Lettuce that's exactly how I feel.

OP posts:
Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 16/04/2019 15:41

I agree with the op. It is mad to split up a family and leave a man she says she loves for the chance to have another child.
She will in effect be losing 50% of the child she does have as the father could well go for shared custody.
Is she proposing to go it alone or look for another man who is not only willing to be a step parent to her existing child but also father another child with her all before her fertility wanes.
What happens if she leaves and still doesn’t have another child?
Will she be happy watching her existing child go off each weekend with his father, holidays split, Christmas, birthdays and other family events split.

NoCauseRebel · 16/04/2019 15:42

She is being incredibly selfish. So she’s prepared to break up her child’s family, potentially have to go through the courts re contact, maintenance, the child having step parents and siblings in her life which she didn’t ask to be a part of, all because she wants another baby?

No. I don’t care how strong your desire for another baby is (and yes, I have been there), your wishes do not trump the needs and happiness of others.

What if she doesn’t meet someone else? What if she meets someone else and it turns out she has secondary infertility? What if she meets someone else and her existing child hates him and wants to live with her father? Is the desire for something which has no guarantees really worth the obliteration of the lives of others? Really?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 16/04/2019 15:46

I'd feel for the husband and child, to me it's like they saying are not good enough and my wants come first. I couldn't do that.

I'd also feel for any new partner, chosen because of the way to have another child.

Mismade · 16/04/2019 15:49

To you. Instead of writing insincere nonsense like 'with respect' why not be honest and just say in your opinion it makes no sense

I can, on the contrary, see that it 'makes sense' to a particularly limited and selfish type of person, who believes her own wish for another child overrides the needs of the child she already has. I should also point out that I'm far from alone, judging by the thread, in thinking that it's deeply illogical to break up an otherwise happy relationship on those grounds alone.

SnuggyBuggy · 16/04/2019 15:52

It's not great, I mean she might not even meet someone else or fall pregnant and will have done it for nothing

Springwalk · 16/04/2019 15:54

I wanted desperately for a third child, for many years, luckily the feeling disappeared at forty. I would never leave my dh for this reason, and break up our family.

I am not sure the a second baby is the real reason, she may empty or unloved, he may have promised her more children and it is a matter of principle. Or she is literally desperate for one more, and that feeling outweighs her love for him.

I have to say her dh can’t be that committed to her or them if he is so willing to let her leave. In the end this may be why she is leaving. His unwillingness to compromise or to make her happy. He may be very selfish generally, and this just highlights his temperament.

Original poster
samsamsamsamsamsam · 16/04/2019 15:56

I think she thinks that it is going to be easy to get custody of her daughter when knowing how good a father her husband is, he will most definitely apply for full custody too.

It's like a fit of madness has come over her. Her desires (whether they can be fulfilled or not) are trumping her child's needs, which is odd to me.

OP posts:
Springwalk · 16/04/2019 15:56

Your friend definitely needs to consider the impact and pain of her decision on their child. At what point does her/his feelings matter?

Original poster
samsamsamsamsamsam · 16/04/2019 15:57

springwalk he doesnt know yet - she has literally just told me and some of our other mutual friends and asked for advice.

OP posts:
downcasteyes · 16/04/2019 15:57

She can't love her husband much, can she?

SerenDippitty · 16/04/2019 15:58

I have to say her dh can’t be that committed to her or them if he is so willing to let her leave. In the end this may be why she is leaving. His unwillingness to compromise or to make her happy. He may be very selfish generally, and this just highlights his temperament.

Where has it been said that he is willingly letting her go? And how would you suggest he stop her?

HeyNannyNanny · 16/04/2019 15:59

She's being selfish.

She's trading financial and emotional instability for her 7 year old (and herself, and her husband) in favour for the POSSIBILITY of having another child. What if she doesn't find another suitable partner? What if she (or he) cannot conceive? What if she miscarries?

I'd strongly suspect she would be leaving her husband for someone else, and this is a bit of a red herring to cover up an affair.