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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my friend is making a poor decision.

134 replies

samsamsamsamsamsam · 16/04/2019 15:17

My friend has a husband and a child who is seven. She wants another baby but he doesn't, so she's said that she going to leave him. This is despite (and I quote) 'I do love him, but I want another baby'.

My concern is her 7 year old. I feel it is just wrong to break up a family for something you want (not need) and the fact that she already has a child, so it isn't like she isn't experiencing motherhood. And he is a good guy too.

I have just said things like 'are you sure?' etc, but I can't help thinking its all a bit odd.

OP posts:

Happyspud · 16/04/2019 16:27

I’d say she has someone lined up to be honest.

FriarTuck · 16/04/2019 16:29

I'd feel for the husband and child, to me it's like they saying are not good enough and my wants come first. I couldn't do that.
This ^^. It's a very selfish attitude.

Original poster

samsamsamsamsamsam · 16/04/2019 16:30

Yes I am in agreement with most of you.

I feel the child will wonder why she wasn't enough for her Mum down the line. And I wonder if she will be repeating this scenario 7 years after her next baby (if there is one)

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 16/04/2019 16:34

I could have done this if my DH didn't want another. So I don't blame her. I never wanted an only child.

SerenDippitty · 16/04/2019 16:34

Perhaps the DH wasn't that keen to have the first child but agreed to keep her happy. We don't really know.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 16/04/2019 16:37

I'd strongly suspect she would be leaving her husband for someone else, and this is a bit of a red herring to cover up an affair

I wondered about this too.

I can't believe anyone would be so selfish as to prioritise their desire for a hypothetical child over the stability and happiness of a child they already have. As for those saying "what if he agreed to a second DC and he's reneged on it?" So what if he has? We're talking about bringing a life into the world, not a business arrangement. Should he be expected to swallow his feelings and Father a child he doesn't want because he agreed with his wife years ago that two DC would be nice, probably with no experience and little understanding of what parenthood would actually be like, when it was first discussed? Some people are so black and white in their thinking.

chazwomaq · 16/04/2019 16:38

YANBU. She's a bitch.

PrincessDanae · 16/04/2019 16:39

@EmrysAtticus - well given that I was the SAHM and he went off to work every day, yes, even then. I think the woman not wanting another child is very different to a man, because she has to go through the pregnancy and everything that entails, including PND. If the woman is the SAHM as a choice they BOTH make, then I think it swings even more in her favour. as she is doing the majority of the child rearing. I don't think two is a lot of children. I always wanted my DC to have siblings, and if my DH had gone back on that, then yes I would have left him. And, I was of an age when it was unlikely that I would have met anyone in time to have another child - that's how strongly I felt about it. I never hid it though, it was something we had discussed much earlier on - him going back on that agreement would have been a betrayal tbh.

Of course if he had had a breakdown, or suffered massively, I think I would have felt differently. But he didn't. He was just nervous of the extra responsibility.

LillithsFamiliar · 16/04/2019 16:42

You think your friend is selfish and short-sighted. Are you really her friend?
Because if my friend came to me, I'd assume they were taking their DD into account and that there were probably details in their marriage that I was unaware of. Very, very few people choose to end a marriage lightly.

EmrysAtticus · 16/04/2019 16:43

Clearly you felt very strongly Danae. I have to say that as a child of divorced parents I can't get my head around the idea that you would throw away your marriage even when there was no chance of meeting someone else in time.

Bluestitch · 16/04/2019 16:44

I don't get it either. I wouldn't willingly lose up to half the time with my existing child, for a hypothetical one. Nor would I deliberately choose a blended family or stepfather for them. Different if it happens organically after a relationship breakdown but actively pursuing that is very selfish IMO.

Whatthefoxgoingon · 16/04/2019 16:49

No I wouldn’t leave my husband over my own selfish need to have another child. What possible justification would I give to my existing child for breaking up their family?

IHateUncleJamie · 16/04/2019 17:01

I’d say she has someone lined up to be honest.

I reckon. Do you think that could be it, @samsamsamsamsamsam?
DH didn’t particularly want another baby but although I went through a phase of wanting one, I’d never have left him over it.

(As it turned out I couldn’t have any more so just as well). I get the desperation to have a baby but not at the cost of your marriage and your child’s stability. That’s crazy levels of selfishness. There must be more to it?

EmrysAtticus · 16/04/2019 17:03

You would think so Jamie but there have been pp on this thread who have said that they would end their marriage purely on this issue so I guess some people must feel this way. It's not the way I view marriage but we are all different I guess.

JustmeandtheKIDS2 · 16/04/2019 17:04

The other thing i guess she may not have considered is how bloody stressful actually getting divorced is!

It can be very costly, financial orders, child arrangement orders, she may have to move out of the family home or at least sell the family home. It could take years to actually solve all of this and actually be divorced. Then at that point she may have little money for herself and her original child to live off let alone having another.

The emotional toil of divorce can play heavily on you emotionally and physically. There is also a massive ripple through both families. This is before she has found someone who she loves to have a second child with.

Personally i think its total madness, she will end up loosing more than she gains. Sometimes in life we arnt have it all.

LuckyLou7 · 16/04/2019 17:05

She has met someone else and this is a cover for that. It will gain her sympathy if she tells people her husband refused to consider another child and she desperately wanted her 7yo to have a sibling. Far better than saying 'I've met someone else and I'm off to pastures new, see ya!'

mellicauli · 16/04/2019 17:08

why should she sacrifice her life at the altar of family? why he gets what he wants? Why are her needs less valid than his? Doesn't the son want a sibling too? And why is the husband not selfish for denying him that?

I can also see how point blank refusing to have another child is a very negative reflection on their family and the past 7 years they spent together.

She wants a baby more than she wants her husband..he doesn't want a baby more than he wants his wife. I think she comes out of this looking the better person.

EmrysAtticus · 16/04/2019 17:09

Both DH and I are from divorced families and even as adults feel the effects of it (twice the necessary number of visits/visitors meaning weekends and annual leave get eaten up, bigger birthday and Christmas costs. Wondering what to do when parents are in old age and having twice the normal number to help out etc. If I discovered that it had happened purely because one of my parents wanted more children I would be so pissed off and it could be the end of my relationship with that parent.

And that doesn't even cover the issues during my actual childhood with shared care etc.

IHateUncleJamie · 16/04/2019 17:16

why should she sacrifice her life at the altar of family?

Really? Leave a man she is otherwise happy with and tear her 7 year old’s life apart because she wants another baby? Do you have any idea how that would make her child feel?

EmrysAtticus · 16/04/2019 17:17

When you have a child their needs have to come before your wants end of. That doesn't mean sacrificing yourself in all ways but there will be some sacrifices just as there are in any relationship.

Exhausted18 · 16/04/2019 17:17

Oh dear. I think if the OP's friend had just said she was unhappy in her marriage then she would be told that you shouldn't stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the children, that they will pick up on the resentment underneath the surface. There are many reasons why you would be unhappy in a marriage. Lack of communication, sex life or plain old falling out of love. Why is the overwhelming urge for a second child less important than any other reason for her unhappiness?

For what it's worth, my parents are divorced.

IHateUncleJamie · 16/04/2019 17:18

@EmrysAtticus you’re right. Extraordinary.

TulipFever · 16/04/2019 17:19

why should she sacrifice her life at the altar of family?

What a silly statement. She's sacrificing the family she already has at the altar of the imaginary family she wants.

EmrysAtticus · 16/04/2019 17:19

We are obviously only going on the information OP has provided Exhausted but she says her friend states that she loves her husband just wants another child. So by the sound of it the marriage could in fact be very happy and potentially could stay that way with some work.

Original poster

samsamsamsamsamsam · 16/04/2019 17:25

Yes she insists it's a happy marriage and I believe her, they seemed rock solid.

She is a very tough woman, and I was initially surprised at her getting married and having a child anyway- so this is a further shock.

I think she just thinks she can do it by herself.

OP posts:

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