to think my friend is making a poor decision.

[samsamsamsamsamsam]

My friend has a husband and a child who is seven. She wants another baby but he doesn't, so she's said that she going to leave him. This is despite (and I quote) 'I do love him, but I want another baby'.

My concern is her 7 year old. I feel it is just wrong to break up a family for something you want (not need) and the fact that she already has a child, so it isn't like she isn't experiencing motherhood. And he is a good guy too.

I have just said things like 'are you sure?' etc, but I can't help thinking its all a bit odd.

And I know broodiness makes people irrational, but if you are so horrified by the thought of having an only child that you would break up an otherwise happy family, there is something wrong with you.

I find it amazing that some people seem to think that being an only child is awful and that having divorced parents and a blended family with step/half siblings would be infinitely better. In some cases divorce etc is the best option for a family but not purely to avoid the 'horror' of an only child.

I think the woman not wanting another child is very different to a man, because she has to go through the pregnancy and everything that entails, including PND

This would be a very valid argument as long as a baby wasn't actually a person who would require care and financial support for at least 18 years and then (usually) be a very significant part of the life of their parents – mother AND father - until the day that they die.

This is the female human version of letting your hormones and baser instincts make life decisions for you
She probably can't help herself - she's not in control.

Plenty of men try that excuse – “I'm highly sexed, babe, I can’t help what my body tells me it needs, right?” It isn't in any way a valid excuse for them, either. Yes, people have urges, but it doesn't give them the automatic right to let them completely rule them regardless of what anybody else does or doesn't want and act purely on instinct, like a dog on heat or a broody hen.

She has a partner who isnt listening to her quite reasonable want to have another child - its a second not a 10th child she is after. This is probably not the only thing he isnt listening to.

Ah, so is coercion the way to do things, if you really want them? Is it your duty to explain yourself and try to come up with an ‘acceptable’ reason why you don’t want something in order for another person to accept your choice? He doesn't feel able or willing to commit to bringing up and being financially responsible for another person for at least 18 years, yet you don’t believe he should have the moral right to decide this? And the fact that he dares to express his decision on the matter automatically makes you think that he MUST be the unreasonable (at best) or abusive (at worst) one? How on earth can you be so sure that he isn't listening to her. It sounds to me like he has listened to her (I'm guessing, at length) - but listening to what somebody would like does not equal feeling obliged to do whatever they order you to do.

There's every chance that she might end up with (sort of) what she wants; however, there's every chance that she could lose it all.

Possible scenario: They split up, presumably with her moving out, as she's the one choosing to leave the marriage with no actual fault or unreasonable behaviour on his part. They both apply for 50/50 custody. A judge hears allegations (possibly with evidence) that she's decided to leave her child in her pursuit of another one. The father, who is not walking out on his child and is apparently a very caring, loving and involved parent is therefore awarded custody, meaning that the child can stay in their own home.
She leaves with nothing more than EOW for her existing child and then never meets somebody else who wants to have a child with her (especially if he realises that she chiefly only wants him for his sperm) or has fertility problems or just reaches the menopause - and then never has a second child.
Her actual existing child grows up and realises why she walked out - ostensibly because they weren't enough for her - and decides to go NC.

It sounds to me like she views children as accessories to make her life nicer and men as nothing more than the providers of those accessories. If that is the case, then this is exactly the attitude that devastates the good, responsible men and makes the bad, feckless ones assume that they can just have their way with women and up and leave without any responsibility expected of them whenever they fancy.

So true buffet! I would be surprised if the dad got more than 50% but that would be a real possibility as from the sound of it he is a very hands on dad. So she could end up with her actual child only 50% of the time and potentially never having another for any of several reasons. Seems insane to me to risk that!

A mother getting less than 50/50 custody with absolutely no evidence that she is not a good mother? You are in dreamland. People are allowed to leave their marriages if they are not happy, even if you don't agree with their reasons for that unhappiness. A judge will not punish her for doing so. People are projecting their own issues on this thread. Fwiw, I'm in the reverse scenario in that my DP would like more children and I do not (at least no time soon). If he wanted children that badly that he left me I would have to accept it, and I think a judge would look very dimly on me trying to use this as a reason to reduce his contact with our DD

I just think she should consider the possibility that she will end up with 50% custody and no second child is all Exhausted. If she has other reasons to want out of the marriage then that's one thing but if it is purely for another child it could backfire on her badly.

Of course she should. But if it is that important to her, she will remain resentful and angry and this will impact her child . That does her DD no favours either. Far better she have two happy separated parents than parents who are staying together for her sake. People martyring themselves in unhappy marriages does no favours for the children in the long run.

I have one child, we were both very ill before and when he was born. My husband would have liked another, so would I but I was scared about my health. We are a happy family of three and I cannot understand how anyone would break up their child's family for the possibility of another baby. I think this is massively selfish.

She has a partner who isnt listening to her quite reasonable want to have another child - its a second not a 10th child she is after. This is probably not the only thing he isnt listening to. ah. I’ll be sure to remember to tell the next OP who posts that her husband brought up things she had done wrong as reasons why he is leaving that she has obviously played a part in the breakdown of their marriage even if she’s insistant that she didn’t.

Or is that response only permitted towards men? .

So she wants another child. Too bad. Her husband doesn’t. She is going to have to find a way to get over that because one way or another there is every chance she won’t be having one.

I’m sick of these women talking about their overwhelming desire for babies having to override everyone else’s thoughts and desires. I’m not talking about women who have struggled for years with fertility issues, but women who suddenly overwhelmingly want a baby, and anyone who stands in the way is unreasonable. Anyone who posts their pregnancy online is insensitive any husband who says no should be divorced and to hell with who they hurt in the process because it’s what they want and don’t people understand? And as I said, I’m not talking about people who have had genuine difficulties conceiving.

Frankly I couldn’t stay friends with anyone who thought so little of her first child that she would destroy her family on the possibility of a second.

And I’d hope she never got pregnant.

I think that this is a cover up for an ongoing affair. She'll probably leave him and go straight to someone else she already has lined up, under the pretence that she simply wants another baby. The marriage seems like it has some deep issues; it probably isn't as simple as this.

Can see both sides.

I don’t think it’s right to stay in any relationship if it means sacrificing something so important to you. She’s blessed to have her DC but the urge to be a mother can be so strong that all reasoning and rationality goes out the window. My sister is my soulmate so I know the blessing of having sibling. She has to live with the decision she makes and possible regrets when her childbearing days are over.

I suppose it depends on how solid her relationship is, separate from her desire to have another child. Will it always be enough? I wouldn’t break up my family unit if this was the only issue but I would consider all my options. Suppose it depends on whether they’d discussed how many children each wanted before commuting. If he’s always wanted 1 then shes being unreasonable to expect anything else

*committing

Yanbu. Splitting up for this reason is terribly unfair on her existing child, who should come first.

So the reason she says he doesn't want anymore is that they were very young when they had her, he was 20, and in uni. And he says he feels he missed out on a social life or wild and free early 20's or something like that. And now he has a hobby that takes him out of the house a lot (cycling) and he is really enjoying his life atm. He doesn't want to rock the boat and he doesn't feel the need to experience a new baby again.

Like I say he is super involved and a great dad so his social life doesn't interfere with that if you see what I mean. (In case someone was to accuse him of being a non present father)

If my spouse wanted another child and was prepared to leave unless I gave in, I'd be packing their bags for them assuming I was only wanted for my child bearing qualities. No child deserves to be born because a person was pressured into it, they should be wanted by both parents.

Ah now, if he's massively into cycling I doubt he's as super-involved as you make out..... (ducks)

The thing is that if this is something that she badly wants and he's not willing to consider it (because of a cycling hobby), then as far as she's concerned she's not in a happy marriage.

I would do the same as the friend. My marriage lasting the distance is not guaranteed, there are all sorts of reasons my marriage may end which are beyond my control.

But my love for my dc is a life force for me and I would have found just having one very hard, I think I would have adopted a child if biologically I couldn't have had another.

Her dh has chosen to not have another kid for a selfish reason so I don't see why it's so morally corrupt for her to also be selfish in what she wants out of life. Life is too short for a regret of that magnitude.

If she is seriously considering this then I suspect her marriage may not be quite as happy as you perceive it to be.

It's a bold step to take. Is she the same age as her DH? If so, she's got years to have a second with someone else tbf.

She needs to seriously consider how she will feel if the DH meets someone else and has more children and she doesn't have any more.

Well to be fair she can also have hobbies that aren't just sitting around waiting to be impregnated.

The thing is that if this is something that she badly wants and he's not willing to consider it (because of a cycling hobby), then as far as she's concerned she's not in a happy marriage.

You could turn that around.....if he really really doesn’t want something and she is prepared to leave the marriage because she wants it so badly then he is not in a happy marriage.

I know a few single child families, due to fertility issues. I guess if the woman can't produce a sibling, it is fair enough for the man to leave and find a woman who can do the job for his child - better a step mum and a sibling than an only child, according to some posters on here.

OP, the marriage sounds rocky to me, whatever you say. It sounds like they got together young and have grown apart and now both want different things in life. Which is absolutely fine, it happens. I suspect 'my friend is leaving because she wants another child' is a rather simplistic interpretation of a more nuanced situation.

So he has a social life in the cycling that takes him out of the house ‘a lot’. But he’s a very involved father as well.

I wonder somehow if he’s not quite the ‘involved’ Husband you think.

I don't know, I think for me it would depend on what they had discussed previously as being important to them.

Before I married DH I told him I only wanted one child. I was adamant that that is what I wanted (for medical reasons I won't go into).

If he then turned round and left me because of this I'd feel really upset because he'd known all along this was how I felt and he'd agreed too.

If your friend had said to her husband that she wants more children in the future and now he's going back on that because he wants to enjoy his hobby instead I can see how that would feel like a betrayal. I can also see how it would cause massive resentment to start building.

On the other hand, no one should be emotionally blackmailed into having a baby they don't want. He may well change his mind when he realises the severity of the situation and the possibility of his wife leaving, but he may well not and so your friend needs to be prepared for that. As others have suggested, it wouldn't surprise me if she was doing this in the hope of shocking him into agreeing.