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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my friend is making a poor decision.

134 replies

samsamsamsamsamsam · 16/04/2019 15:17

My friend has a husband and a child who is seven. She wants another baby but he doesn't, so she's said that she going to leave him. This is despite (and I quote) 'I do love him, but I want another baby'.

My concern is her 7 year old. I feel it is just wrong to break up a family for something you want (not need) and the fact that she already has a child, so it isn't like she isn't experiencing motherhood. And he is a good guy too.

I have just said things like 'are you sure?' etc, but I can't help thinking its all a bit odd.

OP posts:
StCharlotte · 16/04/2019 16:00

I'm guessing she's simply going to emotionally blackmail him and won't be going anywhere.

Bluntness100 · 16/04/2019 16:00

I'd suspect there is more to this than you know. Maybe he made a commitment and renegaded, maybe this has been going on for years, maybe the marriage has broken down in other ways and she doesn't wish to tell uou.

I'd not judge here at all.

Ellie56 · 16/04/2019 16:02

he doesnt know yet - she has literally just told me and some of our other mutual friends and asked for advicE

Eek he doesn't know yet she's been telling all her friends?

I'd stay well out of this OP. It is not going to end well.

WestBerlin · 16/04/2019 16:03

I think it’s incredibly selfish to break apart an otherwise happy family on the possibility of having another child.

I wonder how this will make the child feel now or in the future. I wouldn’t be able to forgive a parent who did this.

NerdyBird · 16/04/2019 16:04

Do you think there are other things going on and she's focusing on another baby as a distraction? It just seems so odd otherwise.
Perhaps she's not dealing with her child growing up and being more independent very well. Going back to baby stage and juggling needs of a toddler with a tween isn't easy.

ItsAllGone19 · 16/04/2019 16:05

She's being incredibly selfish and probably in a for rude shock when she has to share custody of her child 50/50...especially when there's no guarantee that she'll get pregnant with ease a second time around.

Fiveredbricks · 16/04/2019 16:06

@samsamsamsamsamsam i imagine she'll find a new partner 🙄 what a weird statement Hmm

Fiveredbricks · 16/04/2019 16:08

And for everyone saying she is selfish, how is the DH not selfish for splitting up the family on the opposite end of the argument?

Dvg · 16/04/2019 16:08

I would leave my husband for another child if I wanted another although I say leaving it 7 years after the first is a bit too long in my opinion but if I really wanted one then it would be my ultimatum

OurChristmasMiracle · 16/04/2019 16:08

Maybe she does still love him but she’s realised they have very different views on what the future will be and has decided the no more kids is the final breaking point for her?

It’s probably not a simple as it sounds. It may be that she’s realised they aren’t compatible.

If she hadn’t of had a child and said “I’m leaving t him because he doesn’t ever want children” would that not be a valid enough reason?

SerenDippitty · 16/04/2019 16:12

And for everyone saying she is selfish, how is the DH not selfish for splitting up the family on the opposite end of the argument?

He's not the one proposing to leave if he doesn't get what he wants.

Thatsashame · 16/04/2019 16:13

Does she realise it might take a fair bit of time to find a new partner. One that wants ti be a step father and have another child and who gets along with her child now. Plus the time to get pregnant. So realistically 3 plus years. Bu the time her child will probably be in secondary school. And thats if she finds the right person...

JustmeandtheKIDS2 · 16/04/2019 16:14

Wow madness. Having a child isnt a given! She will end up sharing her time with her first child as she will be off with her father.

I understand her need or want to have another child but her priorities should remain on the one she already has, this isnt going to end well for her.

whyiinstigate · 16/04/2019 16:16

Why, Five? Hmm

NoCauseRebel · 16/04/2019 16:17

Why is it that these discussions always have to end up in people assuming the DH must be wrong in there somewhere? If a man was walking out on his family because he wanted another baby and was going to find a woman would people be looking to point the finger at the wife? No? Well then why is this different?

And what of the expectation of the potential other child? I mean clearly putting others before herself is not within this woman’s capabilities, so I can well imagine that the new child would be expected to be grateful after everything that was sacrificed in order for them to be here.... and the existing child will. Realise soon enough that the reason her mother broke up her family was in order to have her sibling? Way to cause resentment there....

She’s setting her child/ren up for serious emotional issues in the future and runs the risk that once the one or more of them are old enough none will want anything to do with her.

EmrysAtticus · 16/04/2019 16:19

I agree OP that if the marriage is otherwise good then she is foolish and selfish to throw it away for a hypothetical child who may never exist. Perhaps there are other issues and this is the straw which is breaking the camel's back?

The needs of her actual living child should always come before a non existent child.

PrincessDanae · 16/04/2019 16:20

They're both being equally selfish in my opinion. I compromised on having 2 instead of 3, but I would have left if DH hadn't been willing to have a second. Especially given that we had agreed it many years before we got married.

FissionChips · 16/04/2019 16:20

Does she realise it might take a fair bit of time to find a new partner. One that wants ti be a step father and have another child and who gets along with her child now. Plus the time to get pregnant. So realistically 3 plus years. Bu the time her child will probably be in secondary school. And thats if she finds the right person

She’ll most likely shack up with some idiot, move him in quickly and get pregnant then chuck him out when it all goes to shit.

AnnieMay100 · 16/04/2019 16:21

It’s a fair decision. If they want different things their marriage could end up rocky and when her time begins running out she’ll always resent him. Sometimes children are happier with their parents apart than living with an atmosphere. Tell her to follow her heart and don’t get too involved in their marriage.

Rachie1973 · 16/04/2019 16:22

I’d not have stayed with someone who only wanted one child. Then again I’d not have married him in the first place.

EmrysAtticus · 16/04/2019 16:22

Even if he had really struggled to cope with having a child Danae?

I always wanted 3 DC but then had DS and had PND plus a child with colic and reflux who didn't sleep and no support. Never again. I would have been devastated if on top of all of that DH had left me because I couldn't cope with having another.

EmrysAtticus · 16/04/2019 16:23

What if they changed their mind Rachie for reasons such as I mention above? Can you really truly love someone if you would ditch them for not being able to face mental illness etc again?

labazsisgoingmad · 16/04/2019 16:24

though it is quite a driving force when you wish to have a baby it seems a shame to take the existing child away from her father. there is also the matter of if she finds someone and they are agreeable to having a child they may be a terrible father and husband could be opening up a real can of worms. seems a very cold hearted way of thinking

thecatsthecats · 16/04/2019 16:24

If she hadn’t of had a child and said “I’m leaving t him because he doesn’t ever want children” would that not be a valid enough reason?

Of course. Because said child would not yet exist to be taken into account.

She can leave her husband for any reason she fancies, but what people are quesoning is breaking up her family because that is the only way she sees of completing her family - a family that excludes her husband.

As many have said, this is highly likely to have negative outcomes for said family - all members thereof, not just her.

Take for example, this opinion. I never want to have children by more than one man. I certainly don't judge those who do, becasue I wouldn't even exist if my mum hadn't! But it's just not something I want for myself. Therefore by deciding to have children with my husband, I'm deciding who will be the ONLY father of any children I have. But if he wanted more, I couldn't stop him choosing to leave and have more. If he wanted to stop, I couldn't ask him for one more. The person who doesn't want to TTC gets the last say, and the other person can put up or shut up.

Not nice, but it is what it is.

TotHappy · 16/04/2019 16:25

Fucking hell, would she leave him if he couldn't have another? If it is just that he won't, it may be that she sees that as him having no respect for her feelings and THAT'S why she won't stay

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