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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my friend is making a poor decision.

134 replies

samsamsamsamsamsam · 16/04/2019 15:17

My friend has a husband and a child who is seven. She wants another baby but he doesn't, so she's said that she going to leave him. This is despite (and I quote) 'I do love him, but I want another baby'.

My concern is her 7 year old. I feel it is just wrong to break up a family for something you want (not need) and the fact that she already has a child, so it isn't like she isn't experiencing motherhood. And he is a good guy too.

I have just said things like 'are you sure?' etc, but I can't help thinking its all a bit odd.

OP posts:
Exhausted18 · 16/04/2019 17:26

@EmrysAtticus For some women it's not possible to be very happy if you can't have a child (or even a second one). If she decided tomorrow, right no more sex, should he just accept a sexless marriage that is in all other aspects happy? Because other than that issue, he loves her and for the sake of his child? Some people do, true. But I don't think he would it be selfish to decide, no I'm going to separate and find someone I'm compatable with? I don't think I would consider that selfish. I think asking someone to sacrifice something that is so fundamental for their happiness is selfish. And what happens when her DD is grown and left home? She is left resentful and too late to start over.

Exhausted18 · 16/04/2019 17:28

I don't think either husband or wife are in the wrong btw! They sound fundamentally incompatible on this issue.

EmrysAtticus · 16/04/2019 17:29

I agree Exhausted but if your marriage is otherwise happy I believe you should do everything you can to overcome the need for a second child. So counselling etc. If after that you are still unhappy then that's a different issue. OP has your friend tried anything to overcome her desire for a second child?

Reastie · 16/04/2019 17:30

Does her dh know she feels strongly enough about this to leave him?

I’m glad she’s not just faking protection to get pg despite her dhs opinion so he doesn’t have the option which people have done in the past.

She must value another child over her marriage but I’m a little Shock . She might not have another relationship as apparently solid and happy as the one she’s currently in and then will have 2 children but might be in an unhappy relationship or a LP. To her that compromise must feel worth it for having another child.

IHateUncleJamie · 16/04/2019 17:33

I’m trying to imagine it the other way round; say my DH had left me when we found out I couldn’t have more children? Everyone would be calling him an absolute shit.

Granted it sounds like the DH really doesn’t want more children as opposed to can’t have more but what if he couldn’t? Would she still leave him?

CaptSkippy · 16/04/2019 17:38

What did you tell her when she asked for advise?

Katterinaballerina · 16/04/2019 17:50

If it had been a choice I’d rather have had my sister than my father living in the house. I can’t imagine having no siblings and being utterly alone that way.

MirriVan · 16/04/2019 17:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Katterinaballerina · 16/04/2019 18:00

Is wanting to shag someone else a more worthy reason to separate than wanting to have a baby?

NakedBrainStrollingInManhatten · 16/04/2019 18:00

@Katterinaballerina that's interesting because I can honestly say that I would prefer that my parents had stayed together (in a presumably mostly happy marriage) than had half siblings who I wouldn't miss had I never had them.

RussellSprout · 16/04/2019 18:03

Sounds like there is more to it. If the marriage really was that happy and 'rock solid' they'd have found a way to resolve this without her wanting to leave him.

EmrysAtticus · 16/04/2019 18:05

But would you have felt that way Katterina if your sibling was a half sibling who you only saw every other week and who was at least 10 years younger than you? And what if your half sibling's father (your step father) was also horrible to live with?

I have significantly younger half siblings and I love them but it is not the same thing. We are at completely different life stages and they cannot be a source of support to me. As the eldest sibling I am always there for them but I can't expect them to be there for me as they are too young.

Katterinaballerina · 16/04/2019 18:08

I’d have loved more siblings. I wouldn’t have had any less of a relationship with my father if he’d lived elsewhere. It might have actually improved my relationship with him because he would have been forced to interact with me rather than just leaving all the parenting to my mother.

Branleuse · 16/04/2019 18:08

she might be feeling really desperate. The urge for a baby can be really primal and override all reason

MirriVan · 16/04/2019 18:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Katterinaballerina · 16/04/2019 18:10

I don’t know how things would have been and maybe it would have been worse but as a 40 something it is nice to know that I’m not alone when it comes to making decisions on future care for my parents.

bmbonanza · 16/04/2019 18:11

She has a partner who isnt listening to her quite reasonable want to have another child - its a second not a 10th child she is after. This is probably not the only thing he isnt listening to.

EmrysAtticus · 16/04/2019 18:13

Do we know he isn't listening bm? Refusing to do something doesn't mean not listening! If he is just dismissing her feelings and doesn't care then that's not acceptable but if he is sitting down with her and explaining that he realises her feelings but for x reasons he can't have another child then that is not 'not listening'

Katterinaballerina · 16/04/2019 18:13

I do have more sympathy with someone thinking of leaving a relationship because they want more children than someone thinking of leaving a relationship because Chris from Accounts is lush.

SerenDippitty · 16/04/2019 18:16

She has a partner who isnt listening to her quite reasonable want to have another child - its a second not a 10th child she is after. This is probably not the only thing he isnt listening to.

She isn’t listening to him either.

gamerwidow · 16/04/2019 18:16

To be fair no one really knows what goes on in someone’s relationship so this might not be the full story. Or it might be the full story and she really can’t live without the chance to have a second child. Either way you’ve got to let her make that decision herself. The only thing I would do as a friend is encourage her to speak to a counsellor if she hasn’t already because sometimes very strong feelings like this are a displacement of other unhappiness in your life and she needs to explore these feelings properly before making any big decisions. She might say no but at least you’ve given her all the options.

Pinkprincess1978 · 16/04/2019 18:33

Some people just think of themselves. I know of someone who had 4 children and DH had the snip. She decided they wanted more so he got it reversed and they had a 5th. He said absolutely no more so she left him and had a 6th with someone else. Now I hope there was more to their relationship problems than this but I do know her insistence on the 5th child out a huge strain on them. It's just selfish in my opinion to break up a family over something like that.

Although in OPs case, if they had always said they would have two then one changed their mind I can see why the other would be upset. There is a difference from having a second child to a 5th child (IMO, I'm sure many would disagree).

CharityConundrum · 16/04/2019 18:36

I agree Exhausted but if your marriage is otherwise happy I believe you should do everything you can to overcome the need for a second child. So counselling etc. If after that you are still unhappy then that's a different issue. OP has your friend tried anything to overcome her desire for a second child?

Why shouldn't her husband be doing everything he can to overcome his lack of desire for a second child? I'm not saying I would do what she is considering, but if it's something she feels strongly about then better be up front about it than let it fester away and ruin the marriage anyway.

People break up relationships and families for their own selfish reasons all the time - if her husband was nice enough and she was saying 'I love him, I'm just not IN love with him' then that would be an acceptable reason to leave, so I don't see how this is so different.

bookworm14 · 16/04/2019 18:44

Only children are not ‘utterly alone’. FFS.

LadyOfTheCanyon · 16/04/2019 18:46

I have a half sibling. She is delightful but I hardly ever see her ( she's 11 years younger than me, so we have shared virtually nothing over the years.

My parents split up because they were fundamentally unhappy and both met other partners. I have nothing to complain about.

But I would have a fuck tonne to complain about if they had separated so that one of them could have have another child if their relationship was otherwise a normal one.

I am a very very rational person but I think that a LOT of people swerve their natural responsibilities in the name of "But it's what I want..."
People need to man the fuck up and own their responsibilities.