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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to bring MIL shopping for baby stuff

96 replies

MamaDane · 16/04/2019 10:50

Hey.. So I'm pregnant with twins, we found out that they are boys last week and now I'm currently having a dilemma, as I've been looking forward to going to England this weekend to shop baby clothes, bedding and the like. Things you can basically bring in your luggage back home.

One of the reasons I've been really excited is because the Danish children's fashion is depressing, especially the boys clothes, it's all in dark colours, like dark blue, dark grey, dark green, black and brown. So I'm basically ready to go nuts in Mothercare, Next and John Lewis.

However today my MIL asked if she could join us to our shopping trip and I really don't want her to come. It's not that I don't want my MIL or DM involved in things, I've suggested that they both come to scans to DP but DP wants it to be just the two of us. I just don't relax as much as I normally do, when I'm just alone with my DP, and I feel like it's something we should do on our own. But then I feel guilty if I say no to MIL who is nothing but kind (we have a very good relationship) and she is kind of timid, so she was probably nervous about asking to join as well. Normally I don't mind much when she comes along when it's regular clothes shopping but I don't know. I just want it to be with my partner. Just us.
We have shopped some clothes before, so it's not our first time. So I do feel like I could give her that. But yeah, a part of me feels vulnerable with her coming along to go shopping.

AIBU to say no? Should I say no? I'm quite conflicted. Blush
What have you done in this situation?

OP posts:
PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 16/04/2019 10:54

Just say you are looking forward to a romantic weekend away, together, before the children arrive and the shopping is just a ruse Wink

She should get the hint.

But the likelihood is that she will want to treat you and the babies and pay for quite a lot of the things.

HBStowe · 16/04/2019 10:55

Could you split the day so you have some time with her and some time on your own?

Original poster
MamaDane · 16/04/2019 10:57

I probably should have mentioned this but my DP is an expat from England, so when we visit we stay at MIL's place. So it's obviously not a romantic weekend. We are going there for Easter. Blush

I'm not really interested in her paying for things, it always makes me uncomfortable whenever my DP's side of the family pays Blush I feel like I owe them somehow.

OP posts:
SallyWD · 16/04/2019 10:57

Ask her to join you for the last couple of hours? She's probably very excited and wants to contribute. She sounds lovely.

churchthecat · 16/04/2019 10:58

Yep, i'd also go with the suggestion of the "romantic" weekend, drop into the convo that you have booked a bridal suite in a hotel.

Subtext: she wouldn't want to come along on your shagathon.

churchthecat · 16/04/2019 10:59

Oh in that case you might have to straight out say "Thank you, but we would like to do this particular shopping trip alone."

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 16/04/2019 10:59

I'm not really interested in her paying for things, it always makes me uncomfortable whenever my DP's side of the family pays blush I feel like I owe them somehow. Hmm

It's his mother, your childs grand parent, not a random.

Original poster
MamaDane · 16/04/2019 10:59

HBStowe perhaps but then again, we would probably need a lift with either MIL's car or BIL's. Neither of us can drive (yet, but currently in the process of learning it) I'd feel bad to "use" her in that. Sense. I really just wish she hadn't asked Blush

OP posts:
MountPheasant · 16/04/2019 11:00

Oh bless her. I think it’s quite sweet that she’s summoned up the courage to ask to come along, she’s obviously very excited.

Can you do two trips? You say you are going for the weekend, can you take her one day and go alone the next? You can tell her that the day you go alone you are lunching/going to the theatre or something so she doesn’t feel left out?

FenellaMaxwell · 16/04/2019 11:01

I think actually it’s quite rude to stay with her and ban her from the shopping trip.

RomanyQueen1 · 16/04/2019 11:01

Aw she sounds really nice. Can you not ask her to meet you for part of it and have lunch out. maybe get the majority done in the morning grab some lunch and leave a shop for after lunch for mil to join you.
There is also nothing wrong with accepting gifts or baby essentials from mil, it doesn't mean you owe anybody anything.
As a mil, I'd be upset if I thought my dil felt like this. Grannies love buying things. Grin

churchthecat · 16/04/2019 11:02

Yeah maybe you could do a "dummy trip" with her, then another one alone.

I don't think it's rude to want to stay with her and get a lift but still do something alone. It's what you want.

Porridgeprincess · 16/04/2019 11:03

Maybe do as a pp has suggested, say that you have a list you want to work through in the morning and ask her to join you for a late lunch and little wander in the latter half of a day. You get your "you" time and she gets to feel involved but the bulk of the buying will have been done.

Congrats on the twin boys.. fun times ahead!!

Original poster
MamaDane · 16/04/2019 11:03

Plain I know and I do not mind if she buys things for us, but if we are at a restaurant and they pay the bill or if we go to Mothercare and she offers to pay for the whole lot, that makes me uncomfortable. Blush I can't help the feeling.

Sally she is very lovely. The best MIL I could have ever imagined honestly. I know some people have issues with theirs but mine truly is incredible. No wonder she had such lovely children.

church Yes I don't think we can make excuses, so it's either flat out reject her or let her come along. Both making me feel bad

OP posts:
CalmdownJanet · 16/04/2019 11:04

I find it weird you'd take her to a medical appointment where she can see inside you but not to mothercare for baby grows Confused

CurbsideProphet · 16/04/2019 11:04

Yes it might seem a bit rude to stay there and ask for lifts, but then say no to her joining a shopping trip. As a compromise could you get the train / bus into town and ask her to join you for lunch? Your DH should be the one to say to his mum that you just want a bit of time the two of you to look at baby things.

AnnieMay100 · 16/04/2019 11:04

Can you agree to a small trip to one shop with them? Go an hour early to the other shops and buy what you want then meet them after so they can get involved in other purchases. They are just excited and want to be part of it while you are in the U.K.

HappyDinosaur · 16/04/2019 11:05

How about one day with MIL and one day without? Or morning with and afternoon without? I'm sure there's a halfway point and it will be a nice thing for her to be involved with. I agree with your husband that the scan is more personal and just for the two of you.

Disfordarkchocolate · 16/04/2019 11:05

Suggest meeting up at afternoon tea time. Explain you'd like some time to do this as a couple and then head to a shop you know she likes and go mad in there too. Congratulation.

MrsMozartMkII · 16/04/2019 11:06

She sounds lovely. If it took a lot for her to ask then you know how important it is to her. This isn't your first shopping trip for the babies so you've had that bit. She's not going to the scans with you. You're staying at hers. She'll be driving you around when you're here.

Are you starting to realise how all this comes across OP? Let the poor woman go shopping with you.

Redglitter · 16/04/2019 11:06

If you're staying with her & expecting a lift from her it's going to be very hard to say no and probably quite rude. Why not do as pp suggested. Go in initially the 2 of you & have her meet you later in the day.

Original poster
MamaDane · 16/04/2019 11:07

Porridge that could perhaps be a good idea. I'll ask my DP.
thank you!

Fenella you think? When she comes over she stays at our home too as does BIL. I figured it's just what family does? Blush

OP posts:
justilou1 · 16/04/2019 11:08

How about just saying that you would love some time alone with DH while you can before the babies come, and maybe you can go out for dinner with MIL instead?

Blondebakingmumma · 16/04/2019 11:10

I was going to suggest a short trip shopping with MIL followed by lunch out and then a second trip solo with DP

Redglitter · 16/04/2019 11:15

How about just saying that you would love some time alone with DH while you can before the babies come

But they'll have that when they go home after their visit. I think that would sound a really odd and very obvious excuse

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