To not want to bring MIL shopping for baby stuff

[MamaDane]

Hey.. So I'm pregnant with twins, we found out that they are boys last week and now I'm currently having a dilemma, as I've been looking forward to going to England this weekend to shop baby clothes, bedding and the like. Things you can basically bring in your luggage back home.

One of the reasons I've been really excited is because the Danish children's fashion is depressing, especially the boys clothes, it's all in dark colours, like dark blue, dark grey, dark green, black and brown. So I'm basically ready to go nuts in Mothercare, Next and John Lewis.

However today my MIL asked if she could join us to our shopping trip and I really don't want her to come. It's not that I don't want my MIL or DM involved in things, I've suggested that they both come to scans to DP but DP wants it to be just the two of us. I just don't relax as much as I normally do, when I'm just alone with my DP, and I feel like it's something we should do on our own. But then I feel guilty if I say no to MIL who is nothing but kind (we have a very good relationship) and she is kind of timid, so she was probably nervous about asking to join as well. Normally I don't mind much when she comes along when it's regular clothes shopping but I don't know. I just want it to be with my partner. Just us.
We have shopped some clothes before, so it's not our first time. So I do feel like I could give her that. But yeah, a part of me feels vulnerable with her coming along to go shopping.

AIBU to say no? Should I say no? I'm quite conflicted.
What have you done in this situation?

[notacooldad]

So because op is staying with them, mil has to come?
No but it was a specific request from MIL and from what the OP said,took a bit if courage. To me this suggests that MIL isn't normally imposing and it means a lot to her. In this case, yes, I would be kind and invite her.
If she was a demanding m, bossy MIL then maybe not.
Sometimes people go out if their way to be kind to me, I like to be kind to people back.

[BlueMerchant]

I wouldn't be able to stay at her place and ask for lifts then tell her she has to bugger off home till you want picking back up.

[MamaDane]

MyDolly We didn't invite her over for just a scan, as my DP doesn't want others at the scan. But it wouldn't be a strange thing as MIL usually stays 2-4 days whenever she visits us and if we could schedule in an appointment for example the 3D/4D scan we have planned at 23 weeks (which is the scan I suggested to my DP) as she is already planning on coming over soon, it would just be another thing to do when she's here. Last time she visited I had my 7 weeks scan at the clinic and she came with us, but not inside the room as it's a vaginal scan. It was that or leaving her alone at home, and we figured it would be nicer for her to at least see parts of the city and see the pictures after the scan.
MIL and BIL often visit us and we often go to England. My DP is very close with her family ❤️

[BlueMerchant]

Read back. Good decision. You are lucky you have a great mil. Enjoy your shopping

[Ribbonsonabox]

I think you've made a good decision. It sounds like you get on with her well and shes a decent person. You were probably just a bit anxious that you wont be able to freely choose things because you will be worrying about her opinion and her trying to pay for things. I think that anxiety is natural but from what you've written it doesnt sound like these are really things to worry about... the money thing is an easy one to solve by just being upfront ie saying why doesnt she pay for this specific item or just for the clothes she has chosen herself for the baby? That way she gets to pay for something like she wants to do but you can also buy everything you want want without worrying shes going to try and offer to pay for the whole lot when you get to the till, because you've already discussed it.
And I think you've already said that your fears about her trying to override your taste probably stems from how interfering your own mum is and not really from her. I doubt she will try and override your opinions about things you choose.

[MamaDane]

Ribbon thank you so much for your kind comment. Everything you said it's pretty spot on. I already told my DP that she cannot be allowed to pay for everything and my DP agreed saying "Of course not. She's a pensioner" so I feel much more at ease now.

Again thanks everyone for commenting and helping me make the right decision.

[MamaDane]

Also if she finds a couple of outfits she likes she is more than welcome to buy them

[Italiangreyhound]

Do what you want, that is my advice. But if I were in your shoes (as others have said) I might try and do one shopping trip with her, because it will be nice for her and you may find you do actually relax and she may want to treat the baby.

[SandyY2K]

Why can't you use Ubers to get around. She doesn't need to be your taxi service.

I can understand you not wanting her to do the shopping with you. I don't get why ppl ask when it places you in a difficult situation saying no.

You'll need a few days for the shopping trips, so may she can join you on one of those days.

I also hope you don't have such high expectations of boys baby clothes in the UK.

[BertrandRussell]

“I can understand you not wanting her to do the shopping with you. I don't get why ppl ask when it places you in a difficult situation saying no.“

Because families like doing nice things for each other?

[Nonnymum]

Why don't you have a couple of shopping trips. One just you and DP and one with Mil, I am sure she will want to buy something for the babies and it will be nice for her to do it with you. If you are staying with her you could treat her to lunch and have. A little shopping trip with her. That way you get time alone with your DP and leg your Mil feel involved. She will be excited about the babies so it will be nice to involve her.

[MamaDane]

Sandy we visit England 6-8 times (birthdays, Easter, Christmas every 2nd year etc) a year and the tickets are not as cheap as they were 3 years ago unfortunately, so if we had to pay for ubers as well every time we visit, it would get expensive. So most of the time either MIL or BIL drive us around when we need picking up or going somewhere. Usually they come with us anyway. And when they are in Denmark they use our travel cards (you can add several people to your journey on the travel card) so it somewhat evens out I think. Both save money that way.

It does make it awkward to say no but at the same time, she's excited and she's usually a timid woman, so it may have taken some guts to ask. I don't blame her, the problem is with me anyway, not her.

We'll only be able to shop Saturday as we arrive Friday and Sunday everything is closed

I do like the boys clothes actually, I love all of the dinosaur and space themes, lots of it is very colourful and happy as well, so from what I've seen online, it will be much better than Danish children clothes.

[Unicornshopkeeper]

No help whatsoever but I find this funny given just how popular Scandi children's brands are with parents in the UK. Bang Bang CPH, Mini Rodini, Popupshop - you pay a fortune for them over here

[MamaDane]

Unicorn yeah it depresses me when I see how popular a lot of the scandi clothes has gotten in Britain because it means less of the clothes I actually like 😂 Scandi nursery furniture and prams are better though, in my opinion 😉

[daisyphase]

I remember a feeling of frustration when my first was 3 months old, because everything he wore at that time had been chosen by other people as baby gifts. I remember knowing deep down how silly I was to feel like that, but I felt it all the same. Even though every one of those gifts was given in love. Roll on 10 years... in the grand scheme of things, I've had far more impact on him and who he has become than anyone else in his life. He's perhaps my work of art.
I buy most of his things myself, of course, but these days feel incredibly grateful when one of his cool aunties buys him something gorgeous to wear so he's not always in my supermarket specials!

[totorostoes]

I buy scandi clothes for my little boy because of how drab, grey, blue and black boys clothes in the UK are! We love Duns and Smafolk, old maxomorra is good too but not the new stuff. Best you'll get here is little bird at mothercare and the odd bit in next.

[Disfordarkchocolate]

Are you sure everything will be closed on Sunday?

[misper]

Everything closes on Easter Sunday, it's like Christmas day (this is the first year I remember this and not come a cropper trying to pop out to get something!)

[misper]

OP if you're going in big shops she may well wander off and look at stuff that catches her eye, so you can browse on your own for a bit at your own pace. I'm normally like doing things myself but tbh even i wouldn't mind too much a nice mil joining. Make sure you get some 6 months plus sizes as you get given loads of 0-3 and they grow out of it really fast!

[Pleasehelpimfreakingout]

When I was pregnant with ds1, i was like this about a lot of things. I now realise it was all a little unnecessary. I'm not saying YABU, just wanted to give you a post pfb perspective from my own point of view!

Try to split the day maybe, or do two shopping trips

[PregnantSea]

I would just let your MIL come on the shopping trip. Sounds like it would mean the world to her if she doesn't normal ask for things like this. It's her her grandchild, she's excited, you live in another country. Also you will feel guilty the whole day if you don't bring her along

Maybe you and DP could do something together separately another time?

[Zilla1]

If she's kind and normally timid and has worked up the 'courage' to ask then I would be tempted to agree and try and enjoy the trip to the UK. I would also suggest in a friendly way at the same time that you would ;love for her to come for her company so the ground rules would be she shouldn't expect to pay for the purchases though you recognise her generous nature.

If your DP doesn't want her at scans and you would be comfortable to include her a little more then (on another occasion, not when discussing the trip), it might be helpful to agree with your DP and DMIL in what she can be included and feel engaged - is it her first DGC (sorry need to RTFT).

Good luck with the preparations.

[dreichuplands]

Glad you are taking her with you. If nothing else she can help carry things!
Hope you have a lovely day.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

@MamaDane - I am sure that places like John Lewis are open on Sundays - most town centres and shopping centres are open and busy on Sundays.

I'm glad you have a plan for the shopping trip, and are happy with your decision - I think you are being very sensitive and sensible about it.

I was lucky enough to have an amazing MIL - as you do - and whilst we didn't go shopping for baby stuff with her (apart from one abortive attempt in Winchester, when we couldn't find Mothercare - because there wasn't one in Winchester), I did go on shopping trips with her on many occasions, and it was always a much more pleasurable experience than shopping with my own mum - basically, I'd look forward to spending time with my MIL, and dreaded spending it with mum.

I hope that the shopping trip goes off well, and is a good time for you and your dp, and for you and your MIL too. I am sure she will be a good shopping companion, and won't be opinionated like your mum.

Good luck with your boys too - I have three children, all boys (singles, not twins/triplets), and being the mum of boys is a wonderful experience. Mine are all in their 20s now, and all taller than me, and basically living independently - but they still come home to mum, and I get so much affection and love from them. I also get patted patronisingly on the head, if I ask for help getting things down from high shelves - the cheeky buggers!!

[BertrandRussell]

All John Lewis’ are closed in Easter Sunday.