To not want to bring MIL shopping for baby stuff

[MamaDane]

Hey.. So I'm pregnant with twins, we found out that they are boys last week and now I'm currently having a dilemma, as I've been looking forward to going to England this weekend to shop baby clothes, bedding and the like. Things you can basically bring in your luggage back home.

One of the reasons I've been really excited is because the Danish children's fashion is depressing, especially the boys clothes, it's all in dark colours, like dark blue, dark grey, dark green, black and brown. So I'm basically ready to go nuts in Mothercare, Next and John Lewis.

However today my MIL asked if she could join us to our shopping trip and I really don't want her to come. It's not that I don't want my MIL or DM involved in things, I've suggested that they both come to scans to DP but DP wants it to be just the two of us. I just don't relax as much as I normally do, when I'm just alone with my DP, and I feel like it's something we should do on our own. But then I feel guilty if I say no to MIL who is nothing but kind (we have a very good relationship) and she is kind of timid, so she was probably nervous about asking to join as well. Normally I don't mind much when she comes along when it's regular clothes shopping but I don't know. I just want it to be with my partner. Just us.
We have shopped some clothes before, so it's not our first time. So I do feel like I could give her that. But yeah, a part of me feels vulnerable with her coming along to go shopping.

AIBU to say no? Should I say no? I'm quite conflicted.
What have you done in this situation?

[RogersVideo]

I totally understand. I don't find shopping a social activity and wouldn't enjoy having her there.

Having someone else there can also influence what you buy. I went pram shopping with my mother because she wanted to pay, and I ended up with something that wasn't really what I had wanted, because I lost focus amongst all my mum's opinions and suggestions.

How to get out of a group shopping trip when you are staying with her is a tricky one though!

[MamaDane]

Calm I suppose it is weird. We've just had many scans, as we've been through a year of fertility treatment (including a silent miscarriage last year), so I'm incredibly used to having scans. Alone in this pregnancy we've had 5 scans (at 5 week because of bleeding, pain and suspected ectopic pregnancy), week 7 and 9 (normal at the clinic we were treated in), the nuchal scan at 12 weeks and gender scan at 15 weeks and I'm only 16+4 weeks.

Also, I've read what you have all had to say. And I think I'll tell my DP it's OK she comes along. I know how much it will mean to her. I think I'm just a bit worried because my own DM is very opinionated, so I suppose I am afraid MIL will be too, even though she is completely different.

Thanks everyone. It is a bit silly to make a fuss like this and worry about what is probably nothing.

[AlexaAmbidextra]

Poor MIL. Made use of when it comes to providing accommodation and transport but banned from a shopping trip to buy clothes for her eagerly anticipated grandchildren.

[MamaDane]

Rogers my mum is the same, I had to tell her off even because she kept going on about what she should or shouldn't buy. So I personally just prefer shopping with my DP. But obviously my MIL is not my mum, so I think it'll be okay

[MamaDane]

*meant what I should or shouldn't buy

[MamaDane]

Alexa it does sound horrible when you put it that way I will let her come

[3luckystars]

Go with her for half an hour, get some things and then get rid of her and go mad shopping by yourself.

She's just excited! Congratulations .

[cakecakecheese]

Sorry but you're staying with her and relying on her for transport, the least you can do is let her tag along for at least a little bit.

[81Byerley]

I think you might be surprised! Have a very happy day shopping with her.

[crocsaretoocoolforschool]

Totally not related to your MIL but just wanted to flag up that the shops will be shut Easter Sunday which you probably already know but don't want you to be disappointed

[TixieLix]

So pleased you've decided to include MIL in the shopping trip. If she's as lovely as you say, it should be a good day. Don't be afraid to have some boundaries though. Maybe agree a signal or trigger word with your DH so that he steps in if MIL is being overbearing or too opinionated on the purchases. Also, if she insists on paying for everything, you (or DH) either say to her that you'd really like to buy some of the items yourself, or you tell a fib and say your own DM has given you some money to spend on baby clothes on your trip. Get your DH on side though so that he backs you up and gently handles his DM.

Congratulations on your twins OP. I hope the rest of the pregnancy goes smoothly for you.

[MamaDane]

81 My DP said the same, she thinks MIL and I will have the same taste in stuff as well thank you!

[notacooldad]

What have you done in this situation?
I would have to her for many reasons.
You clearly don't want her there so own it.

[notacooldad]

I've seen your update after I posted.
I was really getting from your post that you didnt want her there. However it sounds like it took courage for her to ask and she does want to be in lived.
I'm glad you ha e come to that decision and hope you all have a nice time.

[MamaDane]

crocs I think we are doing all of the shopping Saturday but thank you for letting me know.

Tixie a signal or trigger word could be a good idea. I will let my DP know. I've already told her that if MIL is a bit opinionated that she will have to be the one to say something. But really the more I think about it, the less I imagine that being the case. But yeah, I also know MIL is retired and doesn't have a lot of money, so perhaps she can pay for some of the things if she wants but we are buying a lot, so I would definitely need to talk to my DP about it. Because we have money saved up for anything baby related. Thank you so much!

[chocatoo]

I think you sound really nice (as does your MIL). I hope you all have a lovely time...and don't feel bad that she wants to treat you - it probably gives her a lot of pleasure to do so.

[nokidshere]

I loved taking my MIL baby shopping. She was incredulous at what was available since she had my DH 50yrs before. She was like a child in a candy shop. I did let her buy stuff and if I wanted to buy it I did, or I told her we already had it ordered.

[Mississippilessly]

Personally I think it's quite rude to stay with her and not allow her to come with you.


When did we all become so bloody precious?

[ScreamScreamIceCream]

OP stop feeling guilt over your partner's family paying for things. It's what you do for people you love especially younger people. You want to see them thrive so paying for extras helps do that.

[Yabbers]

it always makes me uncomfortable whenever my DP's side of the family pays blush I feel like I owe them somehow

Are you Danish? If so, then that’s a cultural thing, I think? My friend’s Danish husband just didn’t understand things like buying a round of drinks when they first met. They were together three years before he ever bought her a drink at a bar 😆

It’s also funny you hate Danish kids fashion. I love it as the colours are always far more funky, especially for girls. I find the stuff here really dull!

I think it’s up to your OH to decide if his mum would be upset, but I would say, in the scheme of things, her joining you for one shopping trip isn’t a massive problem. There will be others.

[IceCreamAndCandyfloss]

I think it would be awful and really petty to exclude her. It's her grandchildren and you are going shopping with hundreds of other people so it's not like a private event She likely wants to share the excitement given she doesn't live in the same country as her son etc anymore.

If you don't want her to pay it's very easy to just pay yourself

[MamaDane]

Yabbers I am Danish. I've never really gone Dutch with romantic partners, but with family and friends I always feel more comfortable either paying for everyone or splitting the bill.

Really? I think 95% of it is absolutely hideous/tacky or extremely plain. Perhaps we like what we aren't used to?

I told my DP that MIL can come and it made DP very happy. I doubt we'll have many issues honestly. Not with MIL. She is probably the best MIL you could ask for.

[BertrandRussell]

So you’re staying with her, you need a lift to and from the shops but you don’t want her to come shopping. What do you want her to do-wait in the car for you?

[phoenixrosehere]

So because op is staying with them, mil has to come?

Op already said that mil stays with them when she visit.

Do you spend every moment with family when they’re visiting and staying with you? My own in-laws come and stay with us and we don’t expect them to go everywhere we go and vice versa.

[Mydollymolly]

@CalmDownJanet
I find it weird you'd take her to a medical appointment where she can see inside you but not to mothercare for baby grows

I find it weirder that she invited her MIL to hop over to Denmark just for a scan!