DH thinks I’m being ‘controlling’. Am I?

[LazyTabloidJournalistCunts]

We’re on holiday. In a self-catering cottage. We have two school age children and a very active toddler.

I have meal planned and shopped for all the food for the week. And so far, I have cooked and cleared up all the meals since we’ve been here.

DH keeps going off on hour-long bike rides. Either at peak breakfast time or peak dinner time. Surfacing after I’ve fed all the kids and got them dressed or fed them and got them bathed and in PJs.

It makes me so, so cross. He ‘asks’ me if he can go for a ride, which puts me in an impossible position because I either say ‘yes darling, of course’ and the saddle myself with all the kid chores, or I say, well actually I could really do with a hand —not having to do everything myself— and I’m the bad guy because I’m ‘controlling’ and ‘never let him do anything’.

The thing is, I don’t know if IABU, because the fact is, with young kids there never really is a good time to bugger off out for an hour. But everyone should be able to have their own leisure time. But I think what I’m really pissed off about is not that he goes cycling per se, but that on this holiday he literally does nothing to help with the cooking or cleaning or laundry. It’s like I’ve come as the hired help so that everyone else can have a nice, catered holiday.

If I wanted to go out for an hour’s bike ride I know he would have no problem at all with it. But I’m so tired from all the shitwork, it’s actually the last thing I feel like doing. I’d rather just use this rare downtime together to hang out as a family.

Earlier this evening I’d put the dinner on and was folding everyone’s laundry and he came in and ‘asked’ if he could go for a cycle. I said no, because he’ll be back just as it’s ready and will either miss eating with us to shower, or have to sit at the table all stinky and sweaty and then shower after, leaving me to clean up on my own. He didn’t like that answer. Now we’re both pissed off and there’s an atmosphere.

This is an argument we’ve had so often I honestly have no perspective on whether I’m being an uptight controlling bitch or he’s opting out of the hard bits.

And when you get home, take an evening every week for yourself and ignore his petty messages - he can handle it for one night.

Stop enabling this shit
When he next asks you you say no it’s my turn and leave the house go to a bar and drink and read or whatever the fuck you want to do
Make it clear he has to feed kids by x time and fold laundry put them to bed and. No hassling you with calls ( which you dont answer
Each of you gets a lie in st the weekend obviously

Also I font. Relive he is 50/50 with the kids back home otherwise he would not be do useless and needy and he would gave fine the meal prep for the holiday

I’m no wallflower. Everything you guys have suggested on this thread I have said to him before (or variations of it). But he refuses to acknowledge any culpability. Everything is deflected back onto me with counter attacks and ‘whattaboutery’. There’s no mea culpa. The upshot being that we argue a lot about this particular issue and then he sulks for a few days. It’s horrid.

The context of the self-catering holiday is that we’re borrowing my relatives holiday home free of charge. They have a place in a tourist destination and let us stay for free. Which is going to make what I’m about to say next sound even worse, but DH is the one who is reluctant to spend money on eating out. He sees it as wasteful. To be fair we are saving for a deposit so we can move house, so cheap holidays are all we can stretch to at the moment. But even when we’ve been more comfortable he still prefers not to splash out on things like eating out. It’s rubbed off on me a bit, to the point where I took the kids to the cafe near our home the other weekend and felt guilty and anxious about spending £15 on hot chocs and toasted sandwiches.

I meant to say about the sticking up for myself, I feel like I’m always on guard. I’m reluctant to give an inch because I feel like he’s always angling for a mile. It makes me sad actually. I wish it was like a pp described upthread, where I could just say to him, now isn’t a great time could you give me a hand instead? And for him to just go, yeah of course darling.

Why are you being put off by his grumbling. Stick with it, don't give in. So what if he texts you, asks a question, gets in a bad mood. Ignore it. Eventually he will get used to it.

Sounds like a really depressing life I’m afraid. With all the joy sucked out of it.

I think the only way is therapy. Otherwise it’s just years more of this until you divorce

That sounds like the worst holiday ever.

Pack up and go, and leave him to cycle home. When you get home, eat and drink the cupboards bare, and when he arrives, ask him to spin down the shops on his bike.

So tell him what time he can go, as it seems he's trying to go either in the morning king or the evening. And (hopefully) therefore spending during the day with you all? Why don't you go out for a walk for half an hour after brekkie or after dinner- have him do the dressing or Undressing of the kids? And then you can alternate? Both get the chance to have a bit of time out if you want it?

Why do you think he's like this?

Sounds like he's a tight arse as well?

This sounds like a totally joyless relationship. I can't see you are getting anything out of it except a load of grief.I wouldn't put up with it.

Stop putting up with him and his shit. You deserve better.

As PPs have suggested - discuss the evening before what is happening the next day. When you plan the cycling for a convenient time and also get your own down time you'll both feel better.

Another idea: whilst you're away, take a day or half a day off each, but make sure you take yours first.

In future don't book self catering.

Tomorrow morning - get up early and go for a long walk - he can get the kids dressed and do breakfast.
Tomorrow tea - send him to the chippy on his bike.

Easy

I would honestly just go out tomorrow morning and not come back until evening.

What a dreadful holiday.

And stuff the cooking. Get an M&S meal and a bottle of wine and get sloshed while he’s out.

How would he react if you said PHEW that's half the holiday over, now its MY turn to go cycling and your turn to do all the shit work? No reasonable person could argue that that wasn't a fair division of labour. How would he react if you did exactly as he does? I'm not saying you should, but as a thought-exercise it should give you a huge insight into how uneven and unfair your r/ship is.

You're not controlling. He is lazy, manipulative and absolutely taking you for granted. As he clearly thinks what he's doing is a reasonable way to behave, can't you do alternate days of being chief parent so you both get the chance to relax? Or is he quite open with the fact that he believes all the responsibility and boring jobs should be done by you on your holiday?

My husband just asked if I minded him going for a swim really early tomorrow. I'm heavily pregnant and have 2 small kids so said I'd rather he didn't as I would have had an earlier night if I'd known (everyone wakes up when he goes, house full of light sleepers). He's going on Wednesday instead. Nobody is sulking. Could your husband perhaps start behaving like an adult?

God, he sounds worse with each update.

What would happen if you said " tomorrow, I would like you to take charge of all the food preparation and clearing up

He would do it. But he would probably have to ask me at least once for help with something really simple and obvious. Also, when meals are left up to him, they’re often about an hour late and the kids are all feral with hunger and/or tiredness by the time we eat.

This is what happens in my home as well, extremely frustrating.

Sounds like shit “holiday” for you OP.

I’d tell him that you want to go home tomorrow as you’re tired and pissed off and at least he generally helps out at home. See if that hammers home that he’s behaving like a dick.

And next time I’d insist that his bike stays at home. It’s a family holiday, not a hobby getaway for him.

How old are the school-age children? Old enough to cycle with him? Do anything else with him? Does he actually engage with them, talk with them, or is it you that does conversation, play, activities and interesting things with the children? Does either you or your DH ever do anything special and interesting with ONE child? Is it always 'you-and-the-children' on one side and him on the other?

Some holiday! It's just the same old shit in a different place. Next time, ask him to book you all into a nice hotel, so you can have a break. Or even better, go alone!

now isn’t a great time could you give me a hand instead? And for him to just go, yeah of course darling.

Well, that's never going to happen because he's an inherently selfish arse, you see any nibble of contribution from him as 'help' and 'giving me a hand' and you haven't learned to just stuff him, ditch him with the kids and stop enabling his learned helplessness. Just LEAVE him with them. All day. And tell him, this is your chore and this is mine.

What about your holiday?

He's being a cunt. And by 'asking' you he's being an even bigger cunt. If you say yes, he's off the hook. If you say no, you the controlling one.

How about this. He acts like a parent and a grown up, blitzes the cooking/cleaning with you and then asks if you'd mind. Which you probably wouldn’t. And then you swop and go for a ride/bath/whatever.

Team work. Parenting together. Being adults. Both having a holiday.

He sounds like an extra child.