DH thinks I’m being ‘controlling’. Am I?

[LazyTabloidJournalistCunts]

We’re on holiday. In a self-catering cottage. We have two school age children and a very active toddler.

I have meal planned and shopped for all the food for the week. And so far, I have cooked and cleared up all the meals since we’ve been here.

DH keeps going off on hour-long bike rides. Either at peak breakfast time or peak dinner time. Surfacing after I’ve fed all the kids and got them dressed or fed them and got them bathed and in PJs.

It makes me so, so cross. He ‘asks’ me if he can go for a ride, which puts me in an impossible position because I either say ‘yes darling, of course’ and the saddle myself with all the kid chores, or I say, well actually I could really do with a hand —not having to do everything myself— and I’m the bad guy because I’m ‘controlling’ and ‘never let him do anything’.

The thing is, I don’t know if IABU, because the fact is, with young kids there never really is a good time to bugger off out for an hour. But everyone should be able to have their own leisure time. But I think what I’m really pissed off about is not that he goes cycling per se, but that on this holiday he literally does nothing to help with the cooking or cleaning or laundry. It’s like I’ve come as the hired help so that everyone else can have a nice, catered holiday.

If I wanted to go out for an hour’s bike ride I know he would have no problem at all with it. But I’m so tired from all the shitwork, it’s actually the last thing I feel like doing. I’d rather just use this rare downtime together to hang out as a family.

Earlier this evening I’d put the dinner on and was folding everyone’s laundry and he came in and ‘asked’ if he could go for a cycle. I said no, because he’ll be back just as it’s ready and will either miss eating with us to shower, or have to sit at the table all stinky and sweaty and then shower after, leaving me to clean up on my own. He didn’t like that answer. Now we’re both pissed off and there’s an atmosphere.

This is an argument we’ve had so often I honestly have no perspective on whether I’m being an uptight controlling bitch or he’s opting out of the hard bits.

Funny how lots of men get into cycling and triathlon type activities when they have young families

So true.

I run. I’m out the door at 6.30, back by 7.30. No one even clocks i am gone. He needs to be out the door early. If he’s still gone when you all get up, no big deal - you settle children in front of some morning cartoons whilst you have a coffee and chill out in kitchen.
He returns, whilst he showers, you prefer breakfast. Post breakfast, he tidies up and gets children ready whilst you shower.

Then, as a family, you have had breakfast and got out the door together.

It sounds like he sucks the joy out of your life from the updates. I bet you used to be someone who would have said I’ve cooked 4 nights and dh has pissed off on a bike ride, chippy tea for everyone who’s here and when he got back told him I saved some money by not buying you any as it’s your turn to cook, but as I did your turn for you and fed the kids it’s takeaway all the way, you don’t get to save money by having me be the house slave.
And now... I’d see a lawyer.

Op when do you make time away from the family doing some type of exercise? Can you arrange it for tea time?

Ivy of course they do. But if her H goes off every morning the OP doesn’t get a lie in. That is unfair when you have three young dc.

OP why not just leave him to it? So what if you went to the gym and he messaged you loads? Just ignore him! He’s perfectly capable of looking after his own children.
Tonight refuse to cook, tell him it’s his turn, sit on the sofa with a glass of wine and a book and refer all children to daddy. And let him get on with it. So what if dinner is late? You’re on holiday! If he never has to deal with things it will only get worse!!

It doesn’t sound like much of a holiday. All the cooking and chores just in a different location. I’d rather just be at my own home.
Can you dine out or order in ?

OP I might have missed this but what would happen if you told him on alternate days, I don't mind when you cycle today but you are responsible for all the meals and clearing up and they need to be at 7.30, 12.30 and 5 to prevent the kids getting hangry . Hi Obviously the best solution is that one cooks and one clears up, is that not an option? You did say you had meal planned for the week and got all the shopping. Does that annoy him, that he cannot decide what to cook? Just trying to establish if there is an element of his attempts at cooking or childcare not being to your standards and a history of you criticising how he does things, to the point where he would prefer to avoid the scenario??

Op
Have you read the mysoginist/alpha male thread?
Cycling
Triathlons
Camping type holidays
All things a sexist man who thinks he is more important than anyone else does.
Be honest. Does your dh really do 50% of the housework and childcare?
I bet on closer inspection he doesnt.
You have 2 choices:
Suck it up and e not the 'holiday' with your dcs.
Or
Put your foot down and watch the man child sulk.
I would tell him that you are not doing this kind of holiday again.
Watch him sulk because of course it is a holiday for everyone but you.
Be honest with him. Say it's not a holiday for me so if rather not go.
Tell him to go with the dcs next time and you'll stay at home, you'd get more of a break then.
Also a very good point raised upthread, he begrudge you spending money on drinks and food as a treat yet how much has he spent on his bike?

You ten nd me of a couple I used to know. He absolutely refused to it but a dishwasher because his wife did all the washing up. Yet he spent ££££ on devices to make his car washing easier for him. Interestingly they always went on self catering holidays.

How can he possibly share 50:50 of the chores etc, when he is doing NOTHING on this holiday. Oh I forgot, it’s a holiday for HIM and HIM alone.

Of course he picks the most inconsiderate time to cycle and refuses to eat out...just make life a little easier for you!

I have a family member that is obsessed with cycling. Spends a whole day on a weekend cycling and then is to tired to have any family time the next day... .

Like someone said upthread, this seems to be provitbale moment. This is no life and certainly not fun, enabling him and his hobby.

IMO, tell him it’s counselling or your marriage is really under threat.

Just think, if you split he wouldn’t be able to call you if you went to the gym to guilt you into coming home (as he’d be having contact with your D.C.). Also, his hobby would have to fit around the D.C. when he has contact and you could spend £15 without feeling guilty on a rare cafe trip.

I just wish he’d do it once the kids were in bed or during the afternoon, or basically any time that’s not peak chaos.

Say it to him in exactly those words

Just go home. Alone. If he whines, tell him the first half of the holiday was his downtime and now you're going to have yours. It's only fair. Then go home and wallow in doing absolutely what you want to do. And don't allow him to come home early.

YANBU or controlling at all!

He’s a selfish twit. He should see and understand the shared work to be done. You shouldn’t have to ask for “help” - it’s his work as well.

Why don’t you just stop doing anything for a day? Go off for a very long walk.

Honestly, this isn’t really a holiday. I go on holiday to avoid cooking and cleaning, I think many people do...

That aside, he’s obviously doing this on purpose. He can’t be bothered with the dinner/bedtime routine so is avoiding it. You’re not controlling to ask for help, your children have two parents not one.

I wish people would stop blaming cycling and sport and hobbies.

It’s perfectly possible to do sport on holiday AND be a decent parent. In fact, a holiday with no time for adults to do their own thing sounds totally hellish to me.

OP you need to bugger off for a couple of hours with your phone off. And you need to go back to the gym again with phone off. So what if he messages for advice, he’ll get used to being in charge if you force him by being unavailable.

If he insists on asking, say “yes, that’s fine. Why don’t you go early before breakfast? Or after the children’s bath?” It’s ridiculous that you are doing all of the grunt work when you’re supposed to be on holiday.
My partner is also a cyclist. When we’re on holiday he will go out early, before breakfast or he’ll go out in the middle of the afternoon when we’re just chilling by the pool. Importantly, he gives me the chance to have child-free time as well.

He is an arse. I would sit him down and tell him that if he doesn't step up and be an equal partner you will divorce his arse and then he'll have the kids alone 50% of the time.

In your situation I'd get your ducks in a row - finances etc. And don't buy a new house until your relationship is more secure.

Would he consider relationship counselling?

This doesn't actually sound like a marriage made in heaven, does it? What would happen if you just spent his cycling time sitting down? You are facilitating his avoidance of helping with the chores and children by doing everything while he is out. Let him go whenever he wants, but make sure the washing up/ getting the kids ready for bed, etc is waiting for him once he gets back. And stop feeling guilty about eating out. If he wants to eat at home, fine! Take your children to the local café or pub, and if he objects, so be it. This is your holiday too. He chooses cycling for his down time, you choose meals out for yours!

how is it 50/50 at home if hes forever asking u how to do things and u never get to go out in peace

sounds like he never should have been a parent

If DP buggered off and left me with all the work I'd go home and leave him to it. We're good friends and we're a team and share the work equally. If he goes running on Monday I go running on Tuesday. If he goes on a cycling holiday with his mates I have a weekend away with my girlfriends. Maybe try writing out a timetable of the hours you've both done on holiday of childcare, housework and kitchen duties and discussing with him why he finds it acceptable for you to do so many more hours than he does.

OP, have you considered just packing up your own things and going home? Let him get on with the 'holiday' that isn't for you, and let him see what he's basically expected you to cover with the children and the 'stuff' while he's had a holiday. And tell him he's not allowed to take them out to eat either, just like he's imposed while you've been there, because you know, 'saving'.

does op actually want to have free time away from her dc?

Your husband is using the "10 minute holiday" tactic.
I bet if you did a graph of a day of when the high-work high-pressure times were to deal with the kids, you would find an eerie correlation with the times he suddenly has a desperate need to be out of the house.

Have now read your update about how he's tight about eating out (bet he doesn't apply the saving money logic to his bike and the gear for it..) Announce that you've cooked all holiday so far so tomorrow it's either his turn to cook or you're eating out. Which is it? Make him choose and take some responsibility.

It makes me sad actually. I wish it was like a pp described upthread, where I could just say to him, now isn’t a great time could you give me a hand instead? And for him to just go, yeah of course darling.

That is sad, this is how a team should work. I would be sad if I thought my DH didn't care about me being stressed or being loaded with all the work while he swans off on a bike. I don't even know what advice I could give you if he doesn't already think that way

I don't even know what advice I could give you if he doesn't already think that way

I do. I'd advise that OP doesn't have to put up with this shit, that she deserves better, and should leave, otherwise, she'll end up being ground down, her self esteem on the floor, and feeling utterly miserable.

If she leaves, she could have a much more fulfilling life, and opens up the possibility of meeting a decent, kind man, who would treat her equally.