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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tell me why mumsnet jury?

140 replies

Topttumps · 15/04/2019 06:35

Ok so when I had my dc I couldn’t wait for family to visit. However, over my time on mumsnet I have seen many threads where new mums have upset people (normally in-laws) by a no visitor rule even when home from hospital.
Now this has just happened to my dsis whose only child had a baby about a week ago. The child was premature but stable and is still in hospital. Her son told her that are not allowing visitors.
Now based on previous experience part of me feels that her dil will have definitely have had her mum there. I may of course be wrong on this.
So man jury please help me understand?

OP posts:
Original poster
Topttumps · 15/04/2019 06:37

Stupid autocorrect. Mn not man.

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 15/04/2019 06:40

I do find some of the ideas on here odd, there's a definite bent on excluding Mil, allowing a wee10 minute visit isn't going to ruin your bond or whatever, I'm equally puzzled by the DH staying at the hospital for 10/12 hrs a day after the birth, sitting on the ward all day. There seems to be this expectation of the 'perfect family' and it's a bit much for me.

StayingWithAuntySue · 15/04/2019 06:41

Your DSIS must leave them to it, so what if she's had her mum there! If he hasn't needed his mum then she can't force it.
If the baby was premature they will be more sensitive about visitors with potential germs for sure.
It's not a competition to see the baby first, she need to step back when asked or will get the repercussions later. This isn't about her feelings - that isn't the priority right now.

Original poster
Topttumps · 15/04/2019 06:43

I guess we are all different bookworm.

OP posts:
CrunchyCrumpet · 15/04/2019 06:43

A lot of it is to do with pressure from family wanting to visit as soon as possible, it's not the easiest time as a new mum. Especially when the birth wasn't straightforward and she's in pain/trying to establish breastfeeding. It's a time when you don't want that pressure to be presentable or indeed have in laws staring at your boobs.
I do get the opposite side as well, they just to welcome the baby but this often comes at the expense of the new mum. Also dealing with other people worrying about your baby isn't helpful (even if they think they're being supportive)

Original poster
Topttumps · 15/04/2019 06:44

Disis has accepted it and will not interfere but I know she is upset.

OP posts:
gobbynorthernbird · 15/04/2019 06:47

There's nothing for your DSis to accept. You've currently got no idea if her son is lying about visitors, and that DIL mum has visited.

GinUnicorn · 15/04/2019 06:47

I think you said it yourself - we are all different and some people just need privacy. When mine was born I struggled with breastfeeding and basically needed to be topless all the time. I just fed in the bedroom when MIL was here but I didn’t mind with my own mum. Both grandparents are equally important but during recovery days its nice to feel comfortable.

Preggosaurus9 · 15/04/2019 06:50

What is Dsis upset about?

Not for the poor woman who's coping with a premature birth and newborn that's for sure.

She's upset for purely selfish reasons. She needs to get her head out of her arse sharpish or the relationships will deteriorate further and then she really will be upset!

whitesoxx · 15/04/2019 06:55

I agree, it's crazy. People these days seem to alienate their family in order to achieve the "perfect" ideals. Mainly bullshit ideals found on Instagram or similar.

Original poster
Topttumps · 15/04/2019 06:57

I don’t know for sure of course but I have witnessed several years of her ds turning down invites or letting her down as his dw family are doing x y or z.
It is clear that she is very close to her mum as was I to mine and I couldn’t imagine not seeing my mum post birth. But of course she is not me so I accept I could be wrong.
Thank you for perspective.

OP posts:
Original poster
Topttumps · 15/04/2019 07:12

Maybe she is just over sensitive but she is having a really shit time right now too and actually could do with some support herself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Topttumps · 15/04/2019 07:13

She won’t let them know that she is upset and indeed she has accepted that visiting has to be on their terms.

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bibbitybobbityyhat · 15/04/2019 07:17

"She needs to get her head out of her arse sharpish"

Is there any need for that sort of language? No wonder people complain about the aggressive pig ignorant posting yhat is gradually taking over on Mumsnet.

Op, of course your sister wants to see her grandchild and it's sad to hear that her son has said "no visitors" but is it maybe because the hospital are being extra strict about visitors as a way to prevent infection? Premature babies are exceptionally vulnerable.

I do think it is sad for fathers and their families that so many women are prepared to veto even very quick visits to see a newborn where they wouldn't with their own families.

TigersRoll · 15/04/2019 07:18

I didn’t want visitors straight after the birth either. Nothing to do with bonding, I just couldn’t be arsed and wanted to be left alone to get my head around my new situation. Unfortunately in my case nobody gave a shit about my wishes and I returned home from hospital with MIL on the doorstep waiting for us along with her two grandkids (2 year old twins who were absolutely wild) and her other son in law who fancied himself as a comedian and started his “routine” as soon as I got out of the car. It was traumatic and I’ll never forget how they ruined that for me.

crosspelican · 15/04/2019 07:22

I can see why she is hurt, but in the grand scheme of things, not seeing the baby for another few days isn't going to hurt. If all had gone to plan, nobody would be seeing the baby at all for a few more weeks, right? It's not a competition!

Does she live far from her son? Will she be able to support then when they get home? A steady stream of meals from Cook for those early, blurry days or some Ocado gift cards for nappies will go a long way to establishing that she is solidly on their team & not looking to hog the baby or intrude.

There's a huge difference between your Mum & your husband's Mum, and right now your sister's DIL is probably feeling overwrought, overwhelmed, sore, leaky, messy and exhausted and not up for being polite and friendly to anyone yet.

Original poster
Topttumps · 15/04/2019 07:23

Thank you bibbity I thought that was uncalled for too.
Sorry to hear your opinions weren’t respected tigers
That was some serious overstepping.

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GroundhogWeek · 15/04/2019 07:25

Both of mine were premature and spent a while in hospital, mainly in NICU. I had very few visitors by choice. Everything can be such a blur and I was very tired and emotional, I just wanted to focus on getting through it, not facilitating and dealing with visitors. Life with a poorly baby is intense (for me a three hourly cycle of breastfeed, express milk, tube feed, settle baby, then about 30 mins sleep before starting again), I didn’t have time of headspace for anything else, even close family.

Lolatall · 15/04/2019 07:27

How on earth do any of us know why your sisters dil won't allow visitors?

I can only speak for myself, but when I had my second baby, I ended up with lots of visitors and it all got too much and took its toll on me. Some people really outstayed their welcome. Sat on their arses holding the baby. I couldn't relax and get any sleep with people in the house constantly.

If I ever had another baby I would make no qualms whatsoever about saying no visitors until I'm back on my feet and feel ready.

A new baby is an exciting time for relatives, but in reality, for SOME new mothers it's a living hell of sleep deprivation, feeling like a deflated balloon, bleeding, hormones everywhere, some mums maybe just need a bit of time.

Original poster
Topttumps · 15/04/2019 07:31

Hopefully they will be discharged soon and once settled at home she will be allowed to visit.
She will of course try to help on a practical level as she is about 30 miles away.

OP posts:
BobTheDuvet · 15/04/2019 07:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

feelingsinister · 15/04/2019 07:34

Not a parent and if I can see why someone might want a few days space before the visitors start then surely someone who has had their own children can try to understand, even if you didn't feel the same?

Unless your sister is overbearing or otherwise annoying then I'm sure it's not personal and they really do want some time to get settled before having visitors. It won't just be your sister, there'll be loads of people waiting to visit and it must be exhausting.

NewMum19344567 · 15/04/2019 07:35

I think your answer is in the fact that your post says that 'the baby is fine' so you can't see the issue? The DIL may not be fine and she may have had a really traumatic birth and want time alone with her husband and her baby.

The issue always seems to be that PIL don't see the baby as the DIL and sons whereas the DIL parents check their child before the grandchild.

I let both sets of parents see the baby the day it was born in hospital and the difference in the way they acted was crazy. When my parents visited they bought me snacks, checked I was okay, held the baby for a quick cuddle and a photo and gave them back as knew at a day old I wasn't ready to share especially as my baby had alot of problems being born. The in-laws didn't ask how I was, took baby the whole hour and had photos of my husband and them with baby in various positions, I took photos as was not required in the pictures, I went to the bathroom and cried as asked MIL to support the head and she said they didn't in their day and babies were fine. They left at the last minute of visiting time so I didn't get any time alone with my DH and baby before they all went as he was classed a visitor too.

I wouldn't say my situation is a one off either. Lots of PIL get blinkers when it comes to grandchildren and seem to forget that babies come out of their DIL and maybe DIL needs support from their mums not that they are showing their mums the grandchild first out of spite!

Original poster
Topttumps · 15/04/2019 07:36

Thank you groundhog Good to hear other views
When my little one was readmitted to the neonatal unit I was in there on my own for 4 days. Dh had to have the other kids and one couldn’t visit as she has a cold sore. It was hell and I was so lonely.
I would have welcomed any visitor at that point.
But of course their situation and yours was is different.

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duffinthemule · 15/04/2019 07:39

My in laws came to visit the day after I had dd (was at home) and stayed the whole weekend. I was struggling to establish breastfeeding and obviously knackered. I just wanted my mum but she felt she was in the way of in laws as they live far away and she is local. It was actually horrible and contributed to triggering my depression. I was much more firm when I had my second.

I should also point out I have fantastic in laws who cooked all weekend for us and really tried to look after us but I just wanted my mum!!

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