Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tell me why mumsnet jury?

140 replies

Topttumps · 15/04/2019 06:35

Ok so when I had my dc I couldn’t wait for family to visit. However, over my time on mumsnet I have seen many threads where new mums have upset people (normally in-laws) by a no visitor rule even when home from hospital.
Now this has just happened to my dsis whose only child had a baby about a week ago. The child was premature but stable and is still in hospital. Her son told her that are not allowing visitors.
Now based on previous experience part of me feels that her dil will have definitely have had her mum there. I may of course be wrong on this.
So man jury please help me understand?

OP posts:
Original poster
Topttumps · 15/04/2019 08:30

Didn’t know that lyra when my dd was in there there didn’t seem to be any restriction. Well obviously my dd1 didn’t visit as she had a cold sore.

OP posts:
downcasteyes · 15/04/2019 08:33

It's hard to judge without knowing more topttumps. But my MIL would probably say she has "tried" too. What she has actually done is to offer an unstoppable and near-constant stream of unsolicied, unwanted, and undermining "advice", all delivered in a tone that could not be more bossy. When you add to that the fact that she has natural foot-in-mouth syndrome, it makes being around her an unpleasant experience that would be a deep additional stressor in any situation of crisis. ("Oh downcast, come and play this game! What's that? You're busy cooking Christmas dinner for eight? Oh, but it's so easy and quick, don't worry, even a really stupid person can understand the rules").

C8H10N4O2 · 15/04/2019 08:37

What is with the obsession of seeing a baby "first" or as soon as possible after the birth?

Bragging rights and power games.

From observation over the years the relatives who make the most fuss about seeing the baby "vagina fresh" are exactly the relatives you don't want immediately after birth. Many of the posts here about "wanting some quiet time first" result from pre-existing difficult relationships.

I also don't subscribe to the argument that even if a woman's DM, DSis or DMIL has supported her during or immediately after birth, it somehow unfair on the rest of the family not to have them trooping in for their moment of FB fame. Its a denial of the mutual support women give each other at such times and any need the woman may have for privacy when feeling vulnerable.

Its one time in life when a woman's preferences and needs should be primary and that may be to have a house party the next day or it may be to be left in peace for a while.

BertrandRussell · 15/04/2019 08:38

Yavbers - that is an absolutely awful story. But I honestly don’t see why it’s relevant.

Ihatehashtags · 15/04/2019 08:39

Nicu/neonates is hell on earth. It is extremely stressful and you have barely any time to do anything aside from baby cares, pumping, feeding, then it starts all over again on every 1-2hrs depending on when your baby was born/how sick your baby is. Do not pressure her. You do realise her baby could still die right? Because the baby isn’t supposed to be born yet. Just leave her alone unless you actually want to help. But it doesn’t sound like you do, all you are doing is judging.

waterygrass · 15/04/2019 08:41

I had an emergency section and was trying to establish breastfeeding on an understaffed ward in a soon to be pulled down unit (mould on shower walls). I missed meals because I couldn't get to the communal room where the food trolley was. This plus a couple of other things meant it was a horrible time. I had a relentless stream of visitors and whilst I was grateful I became massively overwhelmed and broke down during one hectic visitors session. As a result. The next day, no one visited including my child's father. That was horrible too. Difficult one for everyone involved.

As mother to a son, I see how differently his girlfriend interacts with her mum compared to me and my son. My son and I are very close but I wouldn't consider I was being excluded if I wasn't invited to the hospital but the girlfriends mum was. I can love his girlfriend and get on brilliantly with her but I don't want or need a mother/daughter dynamic, because she's not my daughter

N2986 · 15/04/2019 08:41

Your ds's Dil absolutely needs to be given some space. Both sets of GPS visited my eldest DC in the hospital despite a very traumatic labour. My in laws were very loud and demanding but they still got to come.

All I asked for was that when I brought dc1 home on a night (after a week in hospital) only my mum and dh were there. Clearly noone listened and I ended up hosting a family gathering for the in-laws and their family. When they left I was exhausted and burst into tears. Ruined DC's first day home for me.

Lizzie48 · 15/04/2019 08:44

My DNiece was born by emergency C section at 32 weeks, because my DSis had pre-Enclampsia. It was a very stressful time. Believe me, the last thing new parents with a baby born prematurely need is to feel under pressure to have family descending on them.

Although I do think some posters are being unduly harsh. This MIL has expressed her feelings of upset to her DSis, which is perfectly understandable. She's not putting pressure on her DS and DIL.

Timewarpdancer · 15/04/2019 08:45

I agree with you op, I don’t know anyone who does this in real life, I had loads of visitors both at the hospital and home . It’s only something I’ve ever read on mn.
But for me pp who said it’s about power and control. What absolute nonsense.

BertrandRussell · 15/04/2019 08:45

The poor woman is expressing a bit of disappointment and sadness to her sister. Is she not even allowed to do that??

IM0GEN · 15/04/2019 08:45

Regardless - the first week of a child's life does not make or break your relationship with it as a GP

Exactly !

But acting like a selfish, self absorbed arsehole during such a stressful time for your child may well be the final straw that breaks an already fragile relationship.

Even if it doesn’t, your card will have been well and truly marked. As you will see from the many similar threads here - the son and DIL won’t forget.

Lizzie48 · 15/04/2019 08:47

@BertrandRussell exactly. There's a lot of projecting going on in this thread. Hmm

Bibijayne · 15/04/2019 08:47

My baby boy was premature, but given the all clear straight away. So he and I went down to the main ward (though we did get a side room as we needed to stay 72 hours - hospital rules!).

First visitors were my parents and MIL. Everyone got cuddles with baby boy. Think MIL was first (I was a bit out of it, new mum hormones, relief everything was okay and probably a bit of gas and air still in the system).

My husband spent most of the time in the day with me and our son. Lots of cuddles. But then he was on paternity leave. Statutory paternity leave (2 weeks) means most dad's are free to be in hospital with their partner and baby. And I think it's normal for dad to want to be there!

I enjoyed having visitors. They only have two visiting hour slots a day at our maternity unit, and it could get lonely on your own. But I may have fled differently if there had been problems and my baby was on the NICU. Hospitals are also very strict with number of visitors and length of visiting time - especially with premature babies. It's unlikely this is an MIL snub.

edgeofheaven · 15/04/2019 08:48

C8H10N4O2 vagina fresh Grin

BertrandRussell · 15/04/2019 08:48

IMOGEN - are dils ever arseholes?

AJPTaylor · 15/04/2019 08:50

I feel for her and of course she will behave impeccably and say nothing. I felt differently and also had lovely in laws.
She should be proud that she has raised a son who is putting his wife's wishes front and centre as such a difficult time. I'm sure it will allsettle in the next week or so.

GPatz · 15/04/2019 08:51

It sounds like it very much depends on the hospital. In our SCBU, parents were the only visitors allowed.

youarenotkiddingme · 15/04/2019 08:52

Totally with you!

I never understand why the woman can have the mum but DH has to respect his mum can't come.

Yes childbirth is tough blah blah blah. I know as mine was horrendous. My X in laws are twats but ds was still their grandchild.

There's another thread atm about including both son and step son equally in a wedding. I never work it why when it comes to in laws the rules suddenly change?

Favouritedress · 15/04/2019 08:53

It is entirely up to the new mum. She is the one who has grown the baby, delivered the baby and may be breastfeeding. If she wants visitors, it is her choice. If not, her choice too. Why relatives think they have a right to this precious time is beyond me. The new mum’s needs and wants should come first at this time.

Ihatehashtags · 15/04/2019 08:53

It depends on so many factors.
Is their baby very premature? Is he/she sick? Was the birth traumatic? Is the baby not feeding well? Is the mother unwell? Is she struggling with pain, post natal depression and/or extremely worried about her baby? If it is my of the above, everyone should stay away unless they are specifically invited.

Original poster
Topttumps · 15/04/2019 08:54

When I say tried I mean offered invited etc. Almost all have been declined. Most of the time dsis sees her son without dil as she is working.
Obviously I don’t know what they are like with each other on the rare occasions they visit but zi can’t imagine dsis being bitchy or snide.

OP posts:
NaturatintGoldenChestnut · 15/04/2019 08:58

The poor woman is expressing a bit of disappointment and sadness to her sister. Is she not even allowed to do that??

She is supposed to be supplying food and money, Bertrand, whilst keeping her distance.

C8H10N4O2 · 15/04/2019 08:58

I never understand why the woman can have the mum but DH has to respect his mum can't come.

I never understand why, when a woman has a DM, DMIL or other relative with her during the birth/illness/whatever then the rest of the family are entitled to troop in or whine that "its not fair". The supporting women has seen the baby incidentally to her role, not as some sort of preferential treatment.

The reality is that for most births in families the grandparents do try to be considerate and the new parents do want to facilitate seeing the new baby. The threads we see here will be the threads where there is a problem.

s0ckswithsandals · 15/04/2019 08:59

I'm sure your sister is not like my mil, but when I was pregnant she made me feel like a human incubator. I had to have a e-cs dc was in intensive care. Less than 24 hours after me surgery she insulted me by saying a c section isn't as bad as normal birth. And then complained she couldn't see dc in intensive care as much as she wanted. So I get why some women don't want their in-laws there, but that's just my experience.
My mum didn't complain and brought me clothes and food to the hospital, and anything dp needed at the drop of a hat.

Sindragosan · 15/04/2019 08:59

Being in SCBU even with a baby who is 'fine' is still very stressful. Our hospital has very strict visiting rules and only parents are allowed to hold babies.

My mum is of the sort who wouldn't see why she could only visit for an hour each day while I was allowed all the time, and would have wanted to hold the baby despite the rules and it would have just been exhausting on top of a traumatic birth and SCBU stay so we had no visiting until after we were home.