Tell me why mumsnet jury?

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Ok so when I had my dc I couldn’t wait for family to visit. However, over my time on mumsnet I have seen many threads where new mums have upset people (normally in-laws) by a no visitor rule even when home from hospital.
Now this has just happened to my dsis whose only child had a baby about a week ago. The child was premature but stable and is still in hospital. Her son told her that are not allowing visitors.
Now based on previous experience part of me feels that her dil will have definitely have had her mum there. I may of course be wrong on this.
So man jury please help me understand?

This is a horrendous time for the mum and dad especially if it's their first baby. DD was in special care for nearly 2 weeks post birth and yes I was mostly sat there with my boobs out either expressing or trying to feed whilst also recovering from a csection. She was being tube fed and having various tests, it was horrific. We were allowed visitors but you could only have 2 adults per cotside so it meant one of us leaving. MIL was so loud we got told off every visit for making too much noise which only added to my stress. Both sets of parents visited the first day she was born and this was a mistake. All people wanted to do was hold the baby which I found really stressful (thanks to emerging PND and not seeing my baby for 10 hours post birth) so everyone else was off seeing her when I couldn't. Encourage your Dsis to think about the reality of life for them. People imagine mum in a nice bed, quietly nursing and cuddling her baby. That will not be their reality. This has also come from her son so it appears its him that doesn't want his mother there. If I was her I would offer practical help. Could she go and give the house a deep clean, leaves meals in the fridge or set up some baby stuff? Do they have enough prem clothes and nappies? That what we really needed in those times. We needed supplies brought in, we needed to know things were ok at home. I really resent both families for how they acted and still haven't gotten over it 8 months later. This is a make or break moment for your Dsis and her DS/DIL and if she gets it right they will always be so appreciative.

My situation was different as my parents lived in another country and my MIL lived down the road so she popped in for a quick visit the day my eldest was born but didn’t visit again until the day after we got home. Now, I adore my MIL - but at that time, we weren’t as close. Our children are one of the things that have strengthened our band.

My eldest was readmitted into hospital when she was a few days old. Nothing serious thank goodness but at the time it felt like the end of the world as it was so scary, and I felt a huge amount of guilt - like I had failed or I had let her down. My MIL came to visit and burst into tears when she saw the baby in the cot and it just made me feel a million times worse. The DIL May have similar feelings at this time and that might be why she is not comfortable seeing people. Who knows. The OP certainly doesn’t.

So I can get why the OP is upset. This is her sister, who she thinks has been unfairly excluded (but in fact doesn’t actually know this), and who she States has recently had a hard time and could do with some support herself. I would suggest that the new parents in this situation may not have anything to offer emotionally to anyone but each other.

it makes a huge difference if a daughter okies her mum.in those times of desperate or uncertain need the first person (usually) we want to call out to is our mums.who has seen us at our wrost and best has wipes our blood,seen as messy and wiped our bums once! so her coming to cuddle be there or wipe us off the floor or see us feeling blimpy is fine.and very different to other ILS

IMOGEN - are dils ever arseholes?

Even if they are Bertrand, my advice for 95% of the time is to smile and nod. Playing power games is rarely a good idea.

And anyway, if it’s the choice between the MIL or Son getting to be areshole here, I think the son has more right as he has a sick baby.

BTW I assume you meant son rather than DIL in your question, as it’s the Ops sisters SON who is not allowing the visit and not the DIL.

It’s not like you to make such a misogynistic comment .

I don’t get it either! I’m so so grateful that people want to come and see us and not only that but bring presents too. I wouldn’t dream of putting someone off who has gone to all that trouble. Just think I’m / we’re really lucky. Each to their own though x

“Playing power games is rarely a good idea.”
Agreed.
Expressing disappointment to your sister” is such^ a power game, isn’t it?

When DP's DGD was born, her mum had a really tough time and what was going to be a tranquil water birth at home ended up being an emergency CS.

Poor mum had laboured for over 24 hours and was utterly exhausted and very, very upset. She didn't want any visitors other than her own parents and sisters for 48 hours, because she was in such a bad way.

Despite that, DP's ex basically camped out at the hospital and went as far as to move chairs so she could sit right outside Mum's hospital room (they'd given her a single room) and DP's son brought the baby out she could meet her.

This wasn't good enough: the ex stayed at the hospital, apart from going home to sleep, for nearly 36 hours. In the end, mum gave in and let her in to see her, and she stayed so long, taking shedloads of photos, and generally being very intrusive, until the new parents insisted she leave.

She was just the same when they got home, constantly turning up unannounced and overstaying her welcome, until they were forced to give her the stern word and insist that she didn't come round unless they'd agreed to it first.

It irreparably damaged her relationship with the baby's mum. The couple have now split up, and she only has contact with her DGD when dad has her. She is very pissed off that we go and visit them in their new home and have a "normal" relationship with them both.

I think if a new mother doesn't want visitors, or only wants her own family to visit, that should be respected. She's the one who's done all the hard work, and suffered the pain and indignity, after all.

Or no visitors at all.
I imagine just how id want people to see my dcs.oh how it can change once the deed is done.

"Playing power games is rarely a good idea."

I do not understand why so many MIL do this. It is not only extremely unlikely that you will win, but also extremely likely that you will end up alienating both your son and your DIL. Way to create a lose/lose situation for yourself.

Treat people as you would like to be treated - with love, care, respect and dignity AND THEY WILL WANT YOU THERE!!

“Treat people as you would like to be treated - with love, care, respect and dignity”

Yep. Works both ways.

“I do not understand why so many MIL do this.”

It’s pretty hard not to if expressing disappointment to your sister is a power play.

but of course if the son need some support then there nneeds to tyr and be some open-ness and discussion on this.communication is key.
my dads mum just came into the hospital and swapped clothes.food.me and my sister to see our dad.whilst mum and brother were seriously ill.they didn't see mum or my brother at all.

If I ever become a grandparent I'm likely to be the one being complained about as not being involved or invested enough

C8H during a birth I can understand.
But after a baby's been born I just don't get why mum can visit daily to 'help' new mum and DH is expected to 'help' new mum.

But god forbid the other grandparents want to even see a photo of the baby or even support their son.

I get childbirth is tough. Mine was bloody horrendous and ended in EMCS. What I do t get is how everyone thinks it only affect the mother.

With my first child I got pushed into having visitors 3 hours after birth (they wanted to come 2 hours when I was still in delivery 😱). It was horrible and I felt wrecked from the birth, being a first him down parent and being able to hold my baby.

Second child I made it clear nobody was visiting till we were ready and my oldest had met the baby. My baby ended up in scbu which is exhausting. We let MIL see him once our oldest has met him at 2 days old. Scbu made it clear nobody could hold of feed the baby other than parents (and his elder sibling was allowed). Mil got to see him only. During this time I was stuck in a hospital ward with other mums whose babies were beside them whilst mine was in scbu, being kept awake all night through breastfeeding, expressing and other babies crying. It was horrible and the last thing I wanted was loads of family around. My own mum was unwell and we banned all other family members from seeing the baby till she had. Our priorities were simple the health of our baby son, the well being off our other child and to try ensure that we held it together ourselves. I did not want loads of family I barely see decending on me when I was vulnerable and my baby was ill. The fact this baby is still in hospital suggest it is ill.

My MIL was the first family visitor to see out first dd. Both my parents and MIL live many hours away and she just got organised first.

I don't particularly get on with MIL and I do find her over bearing but I was shelll shocked and stunned anyway. Dh was doing pretty much everything and I guess he wanted a bit of support and to show off his first child. I get that.

My parents already had 5 grand children. They visited much later.

When I had my second dc, my parents visited to look after my dd whilst I was giving birth, so they were there by default.

But after a baby's been born I just don't get why mum can visit daily to 'help' new mum and DH is expected to 'help' new mum. But god forbid the other grandparents want to even see a photo of the baby or even support their son.

If men want support from their mothers then they can ask for it, and they can discuss with their partner to see if she agrees with it. I highly doubt there are hoards of men desperate for mummy after having had a baby, and their evil wives are blockading the door. Men tend in general to lean less on others (including parents) for emotional support, that's why they have all sorts of other issues that women often cope with through close friendships.

I actually think some of the reason some MILs become so crazed after DGCs are born is that they are insecure and fearful as a result of their own DS's failure to reach out to them. And DILs take the brunt of it.

My son was premature and while in SCBU we weren’t allowed visitors other than mum and dad for infection comtrol reasons. So maybe think about that.

I've been thinking about this as I'm due with our first soon and will be having my mum stay with us for a month.

I like the idea of fairness, but it's not always practical. My parents live very far away and won't have the opportunities to see their grandchild that my ILs do.

We also don't have "equal" relationships with both sets of parents. My ILs are generally nice people, but are not as supportive as my parents are. This isn't just coming from me, now that my husband has seen what my family is like, he has at times wished his parents could be more like that. So his feelings have changed since marriage but I'm not pulling the strings over here. They are still better than probably 90% of the ILs out there, so they wouldn't see themselves as bad people (nor should they).

And when it comes down to it, having a baby isn't an "equal" affair. It can leave you so vulnerable. I think it's normal that I would feel more comfortable around my own mum than his. That's not a reflection on his mum, it's a reflection on the fact that she's not my mum.

All this being said, I have no plans to particularly exclude anyone. But I think that it's a bit unreasonable to expect everything to always be completely equal. That's not how people and relationships work in real life.

Giving birth can be emotionally overwhelming, especially if things have not gone to plan. Some women just don't have any reserves left to smile and deal with with extended family and visits. Some people have toxic families and can't face coping with the barbed comments and PA comments implying failure in some way.

Why can't women look to themselves sometimes and not always have to be healing and reaching out to family?

For some women, having a baby is quite traumatic (even if the birth is straightforward). It's instinctual to batten down the hatches. The demand for no visitors will not be borne out of a desire to keep her MiL away from the baby, but an inability to deal with other people at this time. Her own mother may be a source of comfort or counsel for her, so of course different rules might apply. It's hard for your sister, but I doubt very much her DIL has the ability to think about how this affects her MIL, or even the ability to allow a 10 minute visit, however illogical it seems to us who are not in the throes of post birth anxiety. I think she needs to accept this, offer messages of support and then step back. Her DIL will remember this time and who was supportive and who was not.

I don't know why, when its for that long really. But each to their own.

I wish I had said no visitors for the first day in hindsight, as just when it was nearing 2 hours since giving birth, when I was still in a hell of a lot of pain and quite out of it on drugs, when I had barely even showered the blood off myself, I had a roomfull of family..and it just felt too much. I can't imagine making people wait weeks or whatever though, but I am sure the women have their reasons.

I think it can depend on the in-laws sometimes. My parents came round the day we got home - bringing food and lactulose (because my mum knows her stuff ) My in laws arrived the next day and were perfect. Brought food. Oohd and aahd. Tidied up a bit and left in a timely fashion (thankfully before the lactulose kicked in...) I knew they'd be amazing, so had no issue with them coming.

If I had my sister's in-laws however, I'd have been keeping them at arms length for a week or so, until I got my head round everything!

As is usual on MN, MIL has been turned in to a controlling, whining, unreasonable and demanding woman with absolutely no suggestion of this from OP. What a surprise. 🙄

Surely it’s up to the new parents and realistically no one else gets a say in how/where/who/when visitors do or don’t get to see the baby. It great that some people want to be surrounded 24/7 but it’s also fine that others don’t. Equally I think it’s totally ok to want your mum there (as in the mum of the new mum!) but not necessarily want to see your MIL. I agree it seems a little unfair because she’s also a grandparent of said baby, but I can certainly see a case for wanting to keep your distance from one but not the other. I love my MIL, yeah she’s a bit much sometimes and really likes to tell a sad story, but she’s generally pretty great. Did I want her to be the first person (apart from DH) to meet our new baby? No. She was a very close second, but I wanted to see my mum first. No one got offended, everyone managed to accept this just fine because it was my choice. As much as there’s two parents who made the baby, I was the one who pushed her out and was trying to feed her. Im pretty certain my DH didn’t feel like he’d been hit by a bus and he certainly didn’t have a gazillion stitches and cataclysmic blood loss either, so I do kind of think what I wanted in that moment was slightly more important. Everyone is still very friendly and no one managed to fall out over it, they just accepted it and moved on. They’ve got a lifetime of getting to know the baby ahead of them, a few days or even weeks isn’t going to undo that!