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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tell me why mumsnet jury?

140 replies

Topttumps · 15/04/2019 06:35

Ok so when I had my dc I couldn’t wait for family to visit. However, over my time on mumsnet I have seen many threads where new mums have upset people (normally in-laws) by a no visitor rule even when home from hospital.
Now this has just happened to my dsis whose only child had a baby about a week ago. The child was premature but stable and is still in hospital. Her son told her that are not allowing visitors.
Now based on previous experience part of me feels that her dil will have definitely have had her mum there. I may of course be wrong on this.
So man jury please help me understand?

OP posts:
IM0GEN · 15/04/2019 07:45

Your sister needs to grow up and deal with it. The most important person here is the tiny baby who is unwell in hospital. The next most important is the young woman who has just given birth, is in pain, bleeding and separated from her new born .

Third most important is the son/ nephew. It’s your sisters job to support her son, not be a millstone around his neck whining “ But what about MEEEEEE??”.

This is make or break time for your sisters relationship with her son and his family. If she has not learned to smile and nod, she needs to start now.

I say this as a mother and MIL.

BertrandRussell · 15/04/2019 07:45

“A steady stream of meals from Cook for those early, blurry days or some Ocado gift cards for nappies will go a long way to establishing that she is solidly on their team & not looking to hog the baby or intrude.”
And there was me thinking babies weren’t “pay per view”.....

edgeofheaven · 15/04/2019 07:50

What is with the obsession of seeing a baby "first" or as soon as possible after the birth? And that if one side sees the baby before the other then it's not fair. GPs should have a years long experience with their DGCs, who of course will never remember who was or wasn't there for the first 3 years of their lives.

Your DSis will get over it, who cares.

IM0GEN · 15/04/2019 07:51

What is with the obsession of seeing a baby "first" or as soon as possible after the birth?

It’s about power and control. It’s a status symbol, for them to brag about to their friends and slap all over FB.

Thirtyrock39 · 15/04/2019 07:56

I do think this is a MN and not a real life thing. My lovely colleague at work was so upset when her dil cancelled their visit to see the new grandchild but had her own family there. As my in-laws were really overbearing and I regret not being a bit more 'selfish' I was trying to give the MN view that it's only a few days, really important time for the new mum etc etc but the whole rest of the office were horrified that my colleague wasn't on 'equal' visiting as maternal grandparents .
Ironically it's lovely colleague who seems to be doing non stop babysitting now a few months down the line

BertrandRussell · 15/04/2019 07:58

“What is with the obsession of seeing a baby "first" or as soon as possible after the birth?”

Wanting to see the baby “first” is odd. But wanting to see the baby soon is just a perfectly normal response to excitement and wanting to meet a new member of the family. Babies are lovely- of course you want to say hello as soon as possible.

And the OP’s sister has not expressed sadness or disappointment to the parents- she has talked to her own sister about it. The character assassination is bizarre. And as usual there are the “How dare she express any emotion at all about the new baby-my mil was exactly the same- she kidnapped my ds at flew off to Marrakesh with him”

Original poster
Topttumps · 15/04/2019 07:58

She is dealing with it. She hasn’t made a fuss or said anything to her ds. She certainly won’t be plastering photos on social media of the child.
I guess that as she has few living relatives left I am sure she is of keen to see her granddaughter but won’t go against their wishes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Topttumps · 15/04/2019 08:00

Exactly Bertrand

OP posts:
GinUnicorn · 15/04/2019 08:02

I think right now she just needs to be patient and considerate of her DIL. She will be involved soon. The first few days are so overwhelming and in the ICU it must be a million time worse.

Her grandchild will be worth the wait

LJS79 · 15/04/2019 08:04

Am I missing something?
This is her grandchild - it's nothing to do about who sees who first. Isn't natural to want to see your grandchild?

Imagine if it was the other way round and she hadn't visited. She would have been blasted for being uninterested.

Original poster
Topttumps · 15/04/2019 08:07

Absolutely gin

OP posts:
edgeofheaven · 15/04/2019 08:08

BertrandRussell I don't believe my post had any character assassination in it but please point out to me if you find it.

The baby is premature and in hospital, I wouldn't want visitors either in such a stressful situation unless I was 100% sure they were going to support me and be helpful, not fret and be highly emotional themselves. Perhaps the new parents in this situation don't feel his mum is a positive influence right now.

Or maybe they're just controlling and keeping her out.

Regardless - the first week of a child's life does not make or break your relationship with it as a GP.

ApplestheHare · 15/04/2019 08:09

When you're vulnerable having given birth I think it's natural to want support from your own family but not necessarily feel able to cope with in laws.

Even if you have a great relationship, there's always effort involved, whereas most people's own parents will come and focus on looking after them. I love my in laws but had a very traumatic birth and couldn't have put on a show for them while trying to recover and establish bf.

NaturatintGoldenChestnut · 15/04/2019 08:12

Exactly, Bertrand!

But hey, don't forget to supply expensive Cook meals and Ocado vouchers to prove you're 'on side'. It's her grandchild, not a fucking cricket match.

Original poster
Topttumps · 15/04/2019 08:13

I don’t think it was aimed at you edge.

OP posts:
Damntheman · 15/04/2019 08:15

I get why your DSIS is upset, it's hard as the mother of the father. But it's just the way things are in most cases, the new mother is always going to be comfortable being an absolute mess around her own mother, but will feel pressure and expectation to be more 'together' with her in laws. Even if the in laws mean to exert no such pressure.

An in law visit is always more stressful than a DM visit to a woman with a healthy relationship to her own mother. Having her DM there will feel supportive, having MIL there will feel stressful. It just ... is.

I'm sorry your sister is having a hard time OP, she's doing the right thing keeping her hurt to herself and just waiting until the new family is ready for her.

coffeecoffeecoffee4 · 15/04/2019 08:18

I just think everyone's different. My older sister really enjoyed having loads of people around her in the hospital and early days at home. With both my DC I asked for only immediate family to visit in hospital and no visitors for the first week at home. Loads of people found this strange! Both parents visited after a week and friends etc started visiting once my DH went back to work. I don't regret it for a minute! I really enjoyed not needing to worry about visitors appearing, getting dressed, being at home etc. Midwives visited daily with both DC for 2wks and I found that restrictive itself. We'd sit in all morning waiting for a 10min visit. I liked going out for a walk or having a nap in the afternoon. My hormones were all over the place and it was great not needing to put a face on for anyone. It was good not needing to worry about accommodating people in the afternoon. Even 10min visits turn into 30mins in my opinion! I loved being able to get to know our baby, go out for a walk, doing lots of skin to skin, or just sitting around topless trying to get BF undercontrol. My older sister however loved having people visit so she could have a gab, and quite often family etc would clear any dishes in the sink. Personal choice, people shouldn't be judged for what they decide to do.

CKWattisthemanager · 15/04/2019 08:18

We were told to stay away when DH's DGS was born. We have stayed away entirely for three years now Grin They will come sniffing around when they want more money.
Birth was normal. StepDIL far from normal. Life is much easier without their weirdness.

Fortheloveofscience · 15/04/2019 08:22

I am not thrilled with the idea of PIL visiting soon after I have DC1 later in the year. Although they’re always pleasant to my face, I know they don’t really like me. They’ve been horribly rude about my family after we tried to include them in family events and they’re constantly judging and criticising our decisions (they tell DH about it afterwards - I’m not just being paranoid!). The idea of having to put up with this false politeness when I’m at my most vulnerable is not one that I’m relishing, whereas my mum is one of the warmest, kindest people you’ll ever meet and I can’t wait for her to meet the baby. Are you sure that the relationship between your DSis and her DIL is what you think it is? I’m sure if you asked MIL she’d say we get on really well because we can have a family dinner with polite and (almost) friendly conversations...

downcasteyes · 15/04/2019 08:23

"Now this has just happened to my dsis whose only child had a baby about a week ago. The child was premature but stable and is still in hospital. Her son told her that are not allowing visitors.
Now based on previous experience part of me feels that her dil will have definitely have had her mum there."

Your Dsis hasn't established a relationship with the mother that is loving, trusting and supportive. Therefore she's not in the inner circle at times like these.

That's about it, to be honest. If you want to be there at the most intimate, heartbreaking, joyful, anxiety-ridden, wonderful moments of someone's life, you need to foster a relationship that is emotionally close so that your presence is necessary at such times.

Yabbers · 15/04/2019 08:24

We did this, on advice from the doctors. Grandma is whining because she can’t see the baby, before it even should have been born?

Families and friends of people with premature babies need to back off and give them the space to do what they feel is best. This is an incredibly stressful time and the last thing they need is pressure or judgement from people insisting they put their baby at risk. They, more than the average parent, need to adjust to having baby at home with them.

FIL was in a care home when DD was born. He didn’t know whether he would live to see her. There was an outbreak of Cdiff at the home when we brought DD home and MIL put so much pressure on us to bring her to visit him. We said not until it was clear, FIL was the one saying to her “not until she’s strong enough” We did visit when we have confirmation he was clear of it and MIL was told on no uncertain terms was she to take DD out of his room. I went to get the changing bag and when I came back in I found her in the common room passing DD round all the nurses for a cuddle. I was absolutely livid. But she just didn’t understand how risky it was. Preemie doesn’t end when the baby gets home.

downcasteyes · 15/04/2019 08:25

That is absolutely unforgiveable behaviour from your MIL, Yabbers. What an absolutely selfish bitch. Flowers

lyralalala · 15/04/2019 08:26

If the baby is premature and in SCBU or NICU there may not be any visitors allowed.

When my DS was born only birth partners were allowed to visit, for me that was DH and MIL. So if I had a mother around she would have potentially been put out as MIL would have been allowed to visit but she wouldn't have.

Original poster
Topttumps · 15/04/2019 08:27

She has tried down

OP posts:
Stiffasaboard · 15/04/2019 08:30

Totally agree with you OP

After my first delivery I was so pleased my mum came along- I felt a strong desire to see her and have a hug and let her meet DS.

I’ll be honest I didn’t feel that thrilled about having MIL come along as we didn’t have the best relationship (she was an alcoholic and often quite difficult) but I left the decision to DH to make as it’s his mum. He wanted her to meet DS so she did. He took DS out the room to meet her as I was recovering from a haemorrhage and had a catheter etc. It was only 15 mins and whilst I could easily have been all previous about wanting DD with me the whole time I completely accepted that he was DHs child too and DH needed to feel He could share the moment with his family if he wished.

I absolutely hate how the attitude of often that it’s ok to exclude the DHs family. And yes it happens all the time and must be very hurtful.
I completely see that you don’t want wall to wall visitors in the postnatal phase but you can be a bit flexible surely and just limit the time or stay in bed and let the DH do the entertaining.

Your DSis must feel second best and I think it often sets the tone for the future too- that the wife’s family take precedence over the husbands.