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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH and sleeping bag gate

182 replies

CoffeeCoffeeTea · 14/04/2019 22:11

Ok, this argument has been going on for 10 years and I need advice on how to move on. I lost my temper badly tonight , and I am so ashamed, not because I argued with DH but because I know I've upset my DCs.

Around 10 years ago my sister and her family came for dinner! Talk turned to my DNiece and that she was going on a camping trip with school. My DH offered my DN his sleeping bag , my DN was polite and said thank you , how kind.... but in reality there was no way she was going to use my DH grotty sleeping bag, it was at least 40 years old, had a weird odour and even I would not use it. So my niece ever took the sleeping bag.
A year or two later I had to do a major clear out as we had a bad infestation of carpet bugs and silver fish. To be honest I do not remember what I binned , I just put on the marigolds and cleared lots of stuff and probably DHs sleeping bag...

So moving on, and I do apologise as I've just reread what I've written and it's so trivial.
So problem is that my husband keeps bringing up the missing sleeping bag. He keeps asking me to ring my sister as he is convinced my niece has stolen it. When I tell him I binned it with all the contaminated stuff he accuses me of covering for my sister.
Tonight I lost it and said 'I fxxxx binned your shxxx sleeping bag with all the other crap you had'
We had a massive screaming row. I've apologies to our DCs .
But I'm just so tired of this arguement .it was a 30?year old thread bare sleeping bag . I've apologised , I binned it, ,
How can I get him to move on

OP posts:
Greatbigterribleshart · 15/04/2019 18:01

My parents are like this. DM tries to palm loads on to us (old towels covered in cat fur and stinking of smoke as the most recent example). The worst was her giving DS a load of shells that had been used as ash trays for decades. No thanks... I'm in my 30s and they had been used as such the entirety of my childhood and since!
She reckoned they had loads of sentimental value and therefore couldn't be thrown away. They went in the bin the moment her back was turned.

GummyGoddess · 15/04/2019 18:20

I'm glad you think it's ridiculous, I did briefly doubt myself about chucking them.

There is another pair with a hole in the same place, but the hole is sort of divided by a seam which is still hanging on. I think those need to go as well.

Onceuponacheesecake · 15/04/2019 18:21

Can't get over these posters who would be "well annoyed" at their silverfish and carpet bug infested sleeping bags. Really?! No.

YANBU OP, he has issues. Your op made me laugh but I'd be fucked off.

SlatternIsTrying · 15/04/2019 18:56

Years ago I babysat my nephews, this was at a time that video tapes were still in use. I had brought with me a film to watch but never got round to taking it out of my bag. About 6 months later my sis in law accused me of taking her wedding video.

Why oh flaming why would I take her wedding video?

The only evidence was that she had noticed I had a video tape in my bag that night. I did, but it wasn’t her wedding video.

To this day she still thinks I stole her wedding video.

There is no rationalising with some people.

Nowaypast · 15/04/2019 18:59

Oh I can sympathise.

My df maintained to his dying day that I had stolen his fish slice. What he thought 16yr old me would want with his fish slice I never discovered ...

justasking111 · 15/04/2019 19:00

Oh we had the fish slice thing, it was rusting, the handle was loose, paint long flaked off. That vanished Wink He asked after it for ages.

justasking111 · 15/04/2019 19:02

OH mother had a kenwood chef. From the sixties. Every time I tried to use it there was an awful electrical smell I was terrified of it. Two years ago when we moved I binned it. Gawd the ear bashing I got for that again and again. I went out and bought him an all singing all dancing new one. He has used it once to make sausages.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 15/04/2019 19:19

Y'see, funny though this stuff is, it has a serious side for me - my boyfriend of a year and a half is pretty....hoardy and his family home (where he still lives) is kind of worrying (rooms stacked floor to ceiling with stuff, papers all over the place place, no space anywhere, etc).

I know for an absolute fact that I could not be happy living like that, nor could I spend my life fighting a hoarde. If I mention it to him, he gets anxious and evasive, and insists he is going to sort it out. I don't go there much because its grim.

Is it possible that he will be different when he moves out, or is this a giant red flag? I have so far refused to move in with him because I want to see what he is actually like when left to himself.

AlexaAmbidextra · 15/04/2019 19:32

Is it possible that he will be different when he moves out?

Highly unlikely that he will change imo. You see this on the tv programme Hoarders all the time. Put them somewhere uncluttered and they will make it a priority to create another hoard. It’s a mental illness that requires a lot of therapy.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 15/04/2019 19:48

Put them somewhere uncluttered and they will make it a priority to create another hoard

That is my fear. Its a "joke" between us that he needs to prove he can live independently (he did live out of home in his twenties, but moved back a few years ago to study) and I will see what state he keeps his place in before I decide if I will live with him. But it's not a joke. I love him, but I'm not living like that.

Arnoldthecat · 15/04/2019 19:53

This is not about the sleeping bag,its about control. You took it upon yourself to lob something of his out without even bothering to ask. Its a common thing that women do.

Grimbles · 15/04/2019 19:54

I can sympathise DH hates throwing stuff out and we have cupboards full of old clothes that he is apparently keeping for decorating and similar. Unless he is planning on painting the forth bridge I'm not sure why he needs so many old shirts.

GummyGoddess · 15/04/2019 19:57

@FineWordsForAPorcupine Do you own or are you renting? Could he not move in with you on a trial basis, knowing that it's not permanent so you can see how it works?

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 15/04/2019 20:05

Could he not move in with you on a trial basis, knowing that it's not permanent so you can see how it works?

I rent, and I've considered the "trial basis" idea but (if I'm completely honest) I think there is a strong danger I would end up a) doing the lions share of cleaning and/or b) training him how to run a house.

And I really, really have no time for that. He's a grown man - he ought to know how to look after himself. So I want to see what he is actually prepared to do to run his household, and how often he changes the sheets, declutters, etc and if he starts hoarding.

I know that sounds a bit mean or like I'm demanding he "proves" himself, but I've lived with a man before who "didn't see mess" and wanted me to "just tell him what I wanted him to do" and it really ground down my love for him.

Nairobe · 15/04/2019 20:21

Oh dear, i really hope he doesn't accuse your niece and hasn't treated her any differently.

OhioOhioOhio · 15/04/2019 21:07

Porcupine.

It's not a red flag. It's a million red flags.

MitziK · 15/04/2019 21:10

Run whilst your escape route isn't blocked by a hundred thousand bits of Stuff.

InspectorClouseauMNdivision · 15/04/2019 21:16

It's been nearly 15 years since my mum binned my favourite sweater.
I had reminded her just last week. It did follow after me telling her she has too much clothes and she replied that she just can't bring herself to throw them out.
I remember my sweater at least once a yearBlush. I am not even kidding. Comfiest thing ever it was....

CassandraCross · 15/04/2019 21:27

This is not about the sleeping bag,its about control. You took it upon yourself to lob something of his out without even bothering to ask. Its a common thing that women do

Don't be ridiculous Arnoldthecat anything infested with bugs and silverfish needs disposing of immediately and if you are the one tasked with dealing with the infestation you just get on with it.

OhioOhioOhio · 15/04/2019 21:29

Yip. They get more and more brave and more and more hostile. Then when they think you've dropped your guard their families start making piles in your space too.

Printemps · 15/04/2019 22:17

Buy them the Marie Kondo book!

MitziK · 15/04/2019 22:35

Nooooo! Don't buy the book - they'll be whimpering about how every fucking last bit of knackered old shit brings them fucking joy.

GirlRaisedInTheSouth · 15/04/2019 22:40

MitziK Grin.

GummyGoddess · 15/04/2019 22:50

@Arnoldthecat So was OP meant to say 'DH, your sleeping bag is infested with silver fish and carpet bugs (who have probably eaten half of it). Would you like to keep this insect riddled item in our home so it can reinfest everything that I have painstakingly cleaned?'

Or in my case 'DH, would you like to keep these boxers with a hole that your balls dangle through, negating the actual use for these items of protecting your trousers from your genitals?'

Men do not need crotchless underwear.

Original poster
CoffeeCoffeeTea · 15/04/2019 22:54

Just in from long day at work and can't stop laughing from all your comments. It seems I'm not the only one with a hoarder husband.

sportforall just watched the video, this man knows my DH or maybe DH is not unique and there are lots of middle aged men with irrational love of sleeping bags. That makes me feel better (I think).
cantfindname , DVDs are far too modern for DH, he has boxes of audio tapes/cassettes . These I have not binned, but I spent a day putting them in the attic. I'm just waiting for the day the attic floor gives and all DHs stuff comes crashing down on our heads.

OP posts:
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