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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and sleeping bag gate

182 replies

CoffeeCoffeeTea · 14/04/2019 22:11

Ok, this argument has been going on for 10 years and I need advice on how to move on. I lost my temper badly tonight , and I am so ashamed, not because I argued with DH but because I know I've upset my DCs.

Around 10 years ago my sister and her family came for dinner! Talk turned to my DNiece and that she was going on a camping trip with school. My DH offered my DN his sleeping bag , my DN was polite and said thank you , how kind.... but in reality there was no way she was going to use my DH grotty sleeping bag, it was at least 40 years old, had a weird odour and even I would not use it. So my niece ever took the sleeping bag.
A year or two later I had to do a major clear out as we had a bad infestation of carpet bugs and silver fish. To be honest I do not remember what I binned , I just put on the marigolds and cleared lots of stuff and probably DHs sleeping bag...

So moving on, and I do apologise as I've just reread what I've written and it's so trivial.
So problem is that my husband keeps bringing up the missing sleeping bag. He keeps asking me to ring my sister as he is convinced my niece has stolen it. When I tell him I binned it with all the contaminated stuff he accuses me of covering for my sister.
Tonight I lost it and said 'I fxxxx binned your shxxx sleeping bag with all the other crap you had'
We had a massive screaming row. I've apologies to our DCs .
But I'm just so tired of this arguement .it was a 30?year old thread bare sleeping bag . I've apologised , I binned it, ,
How can I get him to move on

OP posts:
Poppyinafieldofdreams · 14/04/2019 22:51

I don’t think you have to do anything. It’s hilarious. I am always binning my DH s crap whenever he’s out doing sports. Whenever he queries anything missing I deny all knowledge about it. He is completely baffled. They are not really that bright are they.

MsVestibule · 14/04/2019 22:53

ScafellPoke fair enough, but do you think you'll still be as precious about it in c2055? Or if it goes missing then, will you be thinking 'ah well, I've had my money's worth out of it'?

OP, your DH is bonkers. Is he generally OK, or is this what he's like to live with all the time?

Poppyinafieldofdreams · 14/04/2019 22:53

And another thing if only I could get my hands on his filthy old jumper full of holes that’s next for the bin. It’s just that he wears it all the time. He looks like a tramp.

Original poster
CoffeeCoffeeTea · 14/04/2019 22:56

Scafellpoke, it cost him £10 in the 70s so maybe that would be £300 today, But it had become an old and tatty sleeping bag.

I'm just so annoyed with myself because I lost my temper in front of DCs. he brought it up , not sue why , after I'd cooked a fantastic meal with all his favourite food.
I'm just so angry ,

OP posts:
MumOfOne92 · 14/04/2019 22:57

😂😂😂😂😂 I needed a good laugh!

MsVestibule · 14/04/2019 22:57

OP, how old are your DCs?

DuffBeer · 14/04/2019 22:59

I once threw out a pair of my husband's threadbare underpants, elastic had gone etc.

He fished them out of the outside bin and was really pissed off Hmm

He still hoards but has toned it down over the years. I couldn't cope if he pulled a stunt like your husband.

To think that he believes there is some kind of sleeping bag conspiracy......what a chump.

Missingstreetlife · 14/04/2019 23:00

Why are they so weird? So many of them, apparently functioning in real world, but strange.

MissTerryShopper · 14/04/2019 23:02

CoffeeCoffeeTea, don't worry, your DCs will have heard both sides and wonder themselves what the hell he is harping on about!
I once showed a photo of teenage DH to him, and asked him how old he was in the photo. He replied that he was about 12. I said "so why the hell is that tee shirt you are wearing still in the wardrobe 30 years later??"

ScafellPoke · 14/04/2019 23:03

Mine is 3yrs old, my last one lasted about 10yrs old before I got rid, so no I prob wouln’t be that bothered. Did just want to point out though that sleeping bags vary massively in price and quality.

VampireSlayer19 · 14/04/2019 23:03

Wow that is abit random when you say he is a hoarder how much really is he as to be so obsessed over an old sleeping bag is really concerning 😳 as in if he wasn’t with you would he have a house full of crap?

Sounds like he needs help to come to terms with the loss, it’s abit much I can see why you lost your rag!

CassandraCross · 14/04/2019 23:07

I did laugh at your opening post CoffeeCoffeeTea, however, I do appreciate you feeling bad because you lost your temper in front of the children and spoilt an otherwise pleasant day, but 10 years is a slow burn to the end of your tether so don't be too hard on yourself. Maybe, you losing your temper so spectacularly will bring an end to him mentioning it? If he does ever bring it up again just say you are not listening or talking about said item ever again.

We have "the black bin bag full of husbands very old clothes" that disappeared during a house move, we don't row about it it is just a standing family joke.

Al2O3 · 14/04/2019 23:09

Awww, take solace in the fact he's not dumping you any time soon OP Grin

NoSquirrels · 14/04/2019 23:13

Did he have his life savings stashed in the bottom? If not he needs to shut up about it.

Tbh, I'd let him crack on and call my sister about it. I'd pre-warn her he was batshit, of course, but he may as well hear it from them that no one stole his manky old sleeping bag.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 14/04/2019 23:16

Personally under such provocation I think you were rather restraint.

Original poster
CoffeeCoffeeTea · 14/04/2019 23:16

msvestibule. DCs are teenagers.

Maybe he's hoping his sleeping bag becomes a collectors item and ends up next to the Mary Quant exhibition in the V&A.

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 14/04/2019 23:24

I'm sure teenagers are mature enough to deal with a bit of parental shouting! Especially over something like this. Did they seem particularly concerned about it?

I'd be more concerned that I'd given them a barking mad father 😉.

MillieMoodle · 14/04/2019 23:26

Sorry I'm going against the grain here and coming at this from the viewpoint of being a bit of a hoarder...I cannot stand it when DH throws my stuff out. I can't explain why it upsets me; stuff that seems meaningless to anyone else, I seem to have a great attachment to. I've no idea why.

I still lose sleep over a lamp I left behind in a student house in 2006, because DH wouldn't let me bring it with me. I shit you not Blush I don't know why I can't let it go and why it still bothers me, but it does. There are other things too. It's nuts and I wish I didn't care, but I do.

My only suggestion would be to sit down calmly and ask him why he is so worried about it? I find it easier to let go of things if it's my decision, rather than being forced to get rid of them or worse, DH getting rid without talking to me first. Calm, patience and showing some understanding might help? Even if you don't understand his reasoning. Try to find a way to help him let it go? I can tell you that shouting at him and/or laughing at him will only make it worse. If DH does that, I panic and then can't get rid of anything.

I realise this makes me sound completely bonkers and I'm really not (honest!). Nor is my house full of crap!

I would get rid of a manky sleeping bag though Grin

BikeRunSki · 14/04/2019 23:33

My sleeping bag is 26 years old and still
Perfectly functional, warm and fluffy. It has taken me up mountains, round the world, to parties, Cub camps (as a leader) and various family holidays.... it wasn’t cheap when I got it, abd it’s always been aired and dry cleaned. I’d be well annoyed if someone binned it without telling me, even with good reason

Original poster
CoffeeCoffeeTea · 14/04/2019 23:42

bikerun dh's sleeping bag was never dry cleaned/washed ( I offered , but he refused ,)
milliemoodle I'll do what you suggest and talk to him calmly about it tomorrow. He is ignoring me at the moment.
Thanks everyone for your words of wisdom

OP posts:
MitziK · 14/04/2019 23:43

Sorry, I grew up in a hoarder's midden. I say LTH.

Leave the Hoarder.

It's a fucking miserable existence to be in a house where things are more important than people. And not just 'nice' things, rotten, dirty, manky, even outright dangerous things are all more important than the people around them.

I have a large scar on my leg from when, as a child, I fell through a fishtank that was disguised in long grass in the garden. The only reason I didn't get a walloping for that was that the NDN saw it happen and lifted me out of the shards of glass and held the hole in my leg together. Once I'd been patched up and there were no witnesses, however, the bollockings started and, for the next twenty years until I cut off communications, the usual 'you broke this and you ruined that and you never took care of my things and you stole things' (I didn't, mainly because, apart from anything else, I have absolutely no interest is stealing tatty old shit) were supplemented by 'and you smashed my expensive and valuable aquarium', as though I'd deliberately searched for it, found it and then decided to hurl myself into it just to hurt her fucking feelings.

Ellie56 · 14/04/2019 23:50

OMG can't believe he is still going on about a manky stinky old sleeping bag which would by now be nearly 50 years old!! Grin Grin

Tell him to grow up and get a life or you will throw him out too. Along with the wet suit, the sailing gear, the biking gear... Grin

And I am sure your teenagers would have been more amused than anything, as they witnessed their long suffering mother rage at their bonkers father going on about a grotty old relic!

Thanks for the laugh OP. This is the funniest thread I've read all week. Grin Grin

sparkysdream · 14/04/2019 23:50

I bought a fairly decent sleeping bag over 20 years ago and enquired with the company what season it would have been as my soon needed 3 season for his cub camp. They told me the current warmth rating couldn’t be determined as it would have degraded over that time. I bought a new one. It seems enormously unlikely it would still be a good quality well functioning sleeping bag if it hadn’t been chucked. He’s being insanely weird.

truthisarevolutionaryact · 14/04/2019 23:51

OP. Somewhere on this board are threads about hoarders. I'm not sure if it was a throwaway remark but there is a recognition that living with a hoarder is seriously distressing and for those that hoard, it can be a massive emotional / mental health problem.
I think the Housekeeping board has some threads on there IF you reckon that there may be more of an issue than just an attachment to an old sleeping bag.

Sunonthepatio · 14/04/2019 23:54

Buy him anew one and fgs buy an inner sheet too.