To be completely confused by separate finances??

[Oohgossip]

Hard hat donned, ready to be flamed...

I just don’t get separate finances, particularly when you’re married with kids. I know it’s none of my business, and don’t care what others do financially, I’m just flummoxed by the idea of not having joint monies.

It may be the way I was brought up, but honestly in real life I know hardly anyone who DOESN’T have joint finances if you’re married with kids. It wasn’t until I’d been around here for a while that my eyes were opened to this whole other world

‘I had to ask my partner to get the food shop this week as the electricity bill that I pay for was higher than expected’
‘My dh said he’d treat me to a takeaway this week’
‘I can afford an expensive holiday but dh can’t, what should we do?’
‘I’m a sahm and dh gives me an allowance’
‘We split things 75-25 do you think this is reasonable’

Etc etc...baffles the life out of me!!

It seems so confusing...how do people work out who pays for what, who puts what in and takes what out, fractions, percentages etc etc

We put everything we earn in one pot and everything comes out of there. Very simple and straightforward. Unless one of you has an issue with money (ie very bad with it) why wouldn’t you have all things equal in a marriage???

For what it’s worth, dh and I have earned different amounts over the time we’ve been together - sometimes he’s earned substantially more, sometimes me - but not once has either of us questioned what we take out of the pot. We’re a team!

To answer a question an earlier PP asked regarding "having permission to purchase an expensive item i.e. Ipad" neither of us have ever felt the need to ask permission - if we have the cash then we speak to each other about what either of us fancy buying.

With regards to gifts, we roughly agree a budget at xmas so theres no big surprise

I agree with Thankssomuch. It seems rather old fashioned to me to pool everything.

We have a joint account for bills and shared expenses, which we pay into in proportion to our salaries. Everything else is separate. This works for us. I like having my own money. I have no interest in what my husband does with his (I would if he was financially irresponsible and likely to jeopardise our security but thankfully that's not the case).

I don't think it is an older view as PP said to have joint finances. I am 33 and DH and I have all joint accounts, none separate. My friends and siblings who are married also all have joint accounts. The few couples I know with separate finances are my parents generation (50s/60s).

Personally I am happy to share a bank account with my DH but not my bed .

Regarding buying each other ‘surprises’, we just don’t .... even after many years of marriage I doubt I would choose something exactly right for my DH & I know he just doesn’t ‘get’ my taste ... we would much rather choose presents etc for ourselves, no need for any surprises.

We have separate finances as in separate accounts but we don’t need ask each other for money. I pay;
electricity,
childcare,
My phone,
DH pays:
rent (although that won’t be necessary after June)
Insurances life/home
His phone bill
Once we’re not renting we’ll just save the money then instead.

We still see all money as ours there’s no yours and mine, when we go food shopping we use whichever card comes to hand first generally. Car tax and Insurances come out of car savings each year in full. All of our bills are paid for so it’s not a big deal. We both save and have access to see all accounts so it’s all the same 🤷‍♀️

I think we count as having separate finances. We have sole current and savings accounts and sole credit cards but also joint current and savings accounts and credit cards. Having said that we look at the whole thing as "one pot" just that some things happen to be in our individual names and some happen to be in our joint names. We don't hide anything from each other.

We put all our money into the pot, bills and savings come out first then whatever is left over is split equally to spend how we like.

It seems the fairest way?

I don’t see separate as a big deal & don’t think it necessarily signifies trust issues. A lot probably depends on how much income you have & if one parent is staying at home.

We largely have separate finances as in wages go into individual accounts & never got around to changing. Some money from both goes into savings, kids accounts etc but DH pretty much pays for everything; mortgage, childcare, bills, car etc so my money is my money to do as I please We would never sit there & be like you owe me “x”, we don’t really think about it.

@Oohgossip clearly mature for your years! 😜🤣

All the people I know are a lot older, actually retired, hence my view.

We’ve always had separate finances until we moved in together and I just like order. All bills coming out of one pot and joint savings from any leftovers, but I won’t sacrifice my financial independence for anyone hence own account and separate savings - he does the same.

I felt sad having read the posts about buying large purchases etc. I can’t believe people live like that. I bought a new car and no questions asked. He buys expensive tech/gadgets and I wouldn’t question him. Our disposable income is exactly that and nobody is going to tell me what I can and can’t spend money on (I have expensive taste 🤣).

Interesting thread OP and I was surprised by PP who described second marriages etc, so my belief of this being an older view isn’t as accurate as I thought based on this.

nobody is going to tell me what I can and can’t spend money on (I have expensive taste

Thinking about I think DH prefers not to see what I spend my money on! 🤣

I'm the same as you OP.

I don't know what anyone else in my circle does, it's not something we talk about.

One thing I learned from bitter experience when administering my DF's estate is that it is MUCH more straightforward when there is a joint account. Sole accounts are a complete nightmare when the account holder dies.

Because not everyone is honest. My ExH left the country, cleared out every penny and maxed out the overdrafts on his way to the airport.

I will never have a joint financial life with anyone ever again.

@eurochick

I think that that kind of arrangement only really works if you earn similar salaries. If one of you has more childcare responsibilities and works part time for example they're likely to earn significantly less and even if they pay in proportion will have much less spare cash than the other partner. That would obviously be ridiculous in a marriage.

Surely though, the “all my worldly goods, I share with you...” etc etc is part of the marriage vows?

Not, I’ll give you 25% of my salary, but you have to pay more as you earn more otherwise it’s not fair...”

Surely once you’ve had DC there’s no point pretending you are financially separate - hasn’t that horse bolted?

As for, “I can’t imagind spending my husband’s money,” the mind boggles! I’ve been a SAHM for 15 years - it’s not “his” money and DH literally has no concept of this whatsoever. He has his role and I have mine and everything in the interests of the DC.

As for gifts, well obviously, if you wanted to you could find out what anything costs simply by googling it. As if anyone rushes to check bank statements to see how much the wife or husband has spent on their latest gift.

I have separate accounts. My parents did too so it seems really normal to me. I pay some bills- he pays others.
He pays majority of things though.
It's how my mam and dad did it though so I always find it strange that people have joint accounts. I dont care or anything but I do this it's a bit odd. Like why?
I guess it's what you are used too.

We tried. Had each own account and one joint for household stuff before we got married. It was a hassle.
Now we have each own accounts and I am paying x and y and he is paying z and w bills.
Sorted.
Never argued over money. 🤷‍♀️

@LIVIA999 same here

Surely though, the “all my worldly goods, I share with you...” etc etc is part of the marriage vows?

I have never heard those words spoken at a wedding 😂😬

I think also said upthread it’s ok to have them physically separate but both have an understanding of what is there and have access to balances.its about being open to each other imo

I agree with you OP, and all my friends except one do the same. The one that doesn’t has a high earning tight bastard of a husband.

Personally I think it depends on if your partner has credit cards/payments to hobbies they enjoy like season tickets to football matches

Me and exh had separate bank accounts due to his love of credit cards/smoking and spending habits. No way was I paying towards his hobbies and bad smoking habit

Next time you find yourself ‘Totally confused “, “flummoxed” and “baffled “ maybe bear in mind that not everyone’s lives are like yours and there are other ways to live, equally valid, effective and meeting the and aim: everyone to do what is right for them and their circumstances.

We have separate and joint accounts. Wages go into our sole accounts and we both have a dd into the joint of a set amount to cover the mortgage, bills, food shops etc.

I actually find it easier to keep track off because I know as soon as I’ve been paid that all the ‘important’ stuff for the month is already covered and everything that’s left is mine.

I don’t really see why it’s weird. Everything that needs to be joint is and everything that’s individual stays that way. I don’t care what DH spends on protein powder or his car and I’d hate to have to trawl through it when I’m going through the finances, likewise with my stuff.

Bit isn’t having separate finances a bit like buying a house together and then saying, “Well these are my rooms and those are yours.”

Surely though, the “all my worldly goods, I share with you...” etc etc is part of the marriage vows?

Do you think all married couples in the UK got married in an Anglican church?

Myimagine makes a really good point, it is very difficult to sort out separate accounts when one of you dies. My friend had a very old fashioned arrangement where her DH gave her housekeeping (cash) each week and she had no access to his accounts, no idea of his salary etc. I tried to point out that she was in a very vulnerable position financially but she just buried her hand in the sand. . If she spent more than her weekly money she didn’t dare ask for any more and eventually got a ‘secret’ cleaning job to earn some cash in hand. That doesn’t seem like a good marriage to me.