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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to take exception to being offered 'a night off' at a wedding?

525 replies

SomethingStupidSomethingGreat · 13/04/2019 23:40

DH and I have been awaiting a formal invite (after the 'save the date' had been sent) for a wedding in 3 months time. We were expecting it to be a child free wedding, which is fine... and to be honest, who 'really' wants to take young children to a wedding?
However, the invite arrived and states
'We love your kids but thought you would like a night off, so adults only please'
... we won't be going as dc2 is bf and an avid bottle refuser so I can't leave her. I don't mind, they are not close family and I have massive wedding fatigue after so many last year... but something has really irked me about the phrasing of the invite. I almost (I won't because I'm only a dick in my head and in anonymous forums) feel like saying...
'Thank you for thinking for us, yes we'd love a night off but unfortunately our dc will starve if she doesn't have almost constant access to my breasts.' (The wedding is 5 hours away).
Full disclosure, I do realise that none of this is the couples fault.
I'm not sure what phrasing would have been better and not irked me? I guess it just grated a bit that actually some people don't have the choice of a night off from their kids no matter how much you love them 😬

OP posts:
JassyRadlett · 16/04/2019 19:09

If you have a suggestion for better phrasing that you honestly wouldn't be irked by, by all means, let future brides and grooms know!

I have had ‘Unfortunately, we are not able to include children’; ‘Adults only’ printed under the dress code; an email ahead of the invitation explaining that it will be just for adults; and an invitation with just our names on it. I wasn’t irked by any of these (but they were probably risking CFs with the last choice...)

Falseness and disingenuousness does irk me. It’s fine to choose a child free wedding! Own it!

(Though obviously don’t get upset if people politely say ‘sorry, we can’t make it as no childcare’ or claim those politely declining were ‘offended’.)

ConfCall · 16/04/2019 19:24

It became the “in thing” to write on invitations about 10-15 years ago, when lots of my friends and acquaintances were getting married. Now, it grates and seems like a cliche (I’m of the “second weddings” age now 😀)

I’d much prefer “sorry, we are unable to include under 16s” or something like that. Nothing wrong with wanting a grownup vibe, just don’t be disingenuous about it. As pps said, own it!

Bignosenobum · 16/04/2019 19:28

Make your mind up. Decide if you are pleased or not. Sounds like they were struggling to put "child free wedding" and not have everyone complaining. We did due to lack of funds and not wanting children at the wedding. Just wanted an intimate wedding. Well you might have said we hate all humanity. Why don't you ask why they put that phrase in. Ps You don't have to attend.

AppleApplePie · 16/04/2019 19:38

I think you’re overthinking the wording. Children change the dynamic of an event. We didn’t have any kids at our wedding, as it didn’t suit the venue (open fires and candles everywhere). I think our invitation said: “Unfortunately, we are unable to accommodate babies & children”. Only 1 couple declined to come.

Nowadays, I’ve got my own kids and I’d bloody love a night off!! Everyone we know is married (and lots divorced) already

Karwomannghia · 17/04/2019 06:36

Just wondering why you’re glad to have an excuse to not go? Do you not like the b & g?

BlackCatSleeping · 17/04/2019 06:47

Just wondering why you’re glad to have an excuse to not go? Do you not like the b & g?

Perhaps because she has a 3-month-old baby? It can be exhausting when they are so young.

ItWentInMyEye · 17/04/2019 07:04

My cousin had the same cringey invitation wording about enjoying time child free, we declined and then when the wedding pics came out there were about 4 kids there Confused

Karwomannghia · 17/04/2019 07:14

That is the excuse though blackcat! I had babies with all my friends’ Weddings they were all around the same time. I can’t imagine ever thinking wow I’d love an excuse not to go to my friend’s wedding. Different scenario if it’s someone I don’t get on with but I don’t know why I’d be invited if we didn’t get on.

candlefloozy · 17/04/2019 07:37

I had an invite which was typed out and then had no kids written in the top corner added on after printing!!

NaturalBornWoman · 17/04/2019 09:06

So many saying have a childfree event but 'just own it'. That term 'own it' clearly implies that even if they just said it's adults only, this would not be perceived as a neutral decision, they'd still be knobs but at least they'd 'owned it'. If someone put 'unfortunately we cannot accommodate children' you'd all be complaining about 'unfortunately' being insincere.

My niece got married at 5pm followed by cocktails, dinner and dancing. It was entirely unsuitable for children, there was no way that anyone could have thought otherwise. Still someone kicked off, with all the 'weddings are family occasions', 'I've bought them outfits', blah blah. She actually brought 11 month old twins to the church, because 'no one can stop me', dragged the muddy wheels of her monster chariot across the aisle and parked it in the way. They did cry and shout during the ceremony, she didn't remove them, and then she took them home and made a great big fuss arriving late at the reception and interrupting the speeches. Childcare was not a factor, she was just determined to take an opportunity to show off her twins.

PlatypusLeague · 17/04/2019 09:58

If someone put 'unfortunately we cannot accommodate children' you'd all be complaining about 'unfortunately' being insincere.

If the B&G didn't actually want children to attend, then "unfortunately" probably is insincere. Confused And "cannot" is code for "decided not to".

NaturalBornWoman · 17/04/2019 10:12

If the B&G didn't actually want children to attend, then "unfortunately" probably is insincere. confused And "cannot" is code for "decided not to".

You illustrate my point perfectly.

RaffertyFair · 17/04/2019 10:40

NaturalBornWoman

If someone put 'unfortunately we cannot accommodate children' you'd all be complaining about 'unfortunately' being insincere.

Unlike you, I can only speak for myself (as one of the posters who has been pissed off by such wording) and say that it is not a case of being by child free upset by weddings per se and I do not object to the word "unfortunately"

For me (and many other people who have posted on the thread) finding childcare for a whole day event is a complete nightmare - practically, financially, emotionally ( for BF babies, children with additional needs etc.), especially if the event like this one is 5 hours away!

My objection frustration arises when the B and G appear not only oblivious to the real difficulties involved, but add insult by suggesting it has all been for my benefit.

So, it's great that you are not bothered by the wording of the invitation but my opionion is different. And the example of your neice's wedding is irrelevant to this thread.

celticprincess · 17/04/2019 10:48

If you did want to go, which I know you don’t, OP your child won’t starve. If you were hit by a busy tomorrow and couldn’t feed your child then your child wouldn’t starve to death. When they are that ravenous they would eat.

It’s fine to not want to go though. And the twisting of the message to make it sound like they’re doing you a favour is also annoying and done to make them feel better.

NaturalBornWoman · 17/04/2019 11:08

RaffertyFair what is relevant is that many people with children are offended by the idea that there may be occasions where their children aren't wanted. There are many examples on this thread which illustrate that whatever the B&G had said, offence would still have been taken.

Here again

And the twisting of the message to make it sound like they’re doing you a favour is also annoying and done to make them feel better.

They don't need to make themselves feel better. They do not need to justify their choices. They've worded the invitation in a somewhat twee way because they know that someone will get arsey about their kids not being invited. It isn't a neutral decision, although it should be, and it's the people with children who get all out of shape about someone else's perfectly valid choice who create the animosity.

RaffertyFair · 17/04/2019 11:21

NaturalBornWoman
My point is that just because there are some people offended by child free weddings regardless of the wording on the invitation, it doesn't mean that all of us objecting to the wording fall into that category.

Just accept that people have different opinions to yours.

I accept that the B and G have the absolute right to invite who they want to a wedding. But don't agree that not inviting the children is neutral. It may be the difference between a guest attending or not attending. Or it may involve the parent(s) forking out a considerable amount of money. Hardly neutral in my opinion.

I dont understand why getting married stops people considering other people's feelings.

churchthecat · 17/04/2019 11:22

I'm going to hop in here since this is such an emotive subject.

We are getting married next year, very casual, registry office then bbq type thing.

The registry office only seats 55. If we allow children then this will be 22 of those 55, meaning we will not be able to invite all family and friends that we want to.

I am planning to put on the invite "Due to tight number restrictions we are not able to invite children to the ceremony, though children are welcome at the party afterwards".

I am aware that this means that some people may not come at all - that is completely fair enough, I will not be offended.

Would this piss people off? We do not want a big wedding, we just want to pop into the reg office, sign the papers, then have a party. But I read so many people saying they come as a team, and they would not attend a wedding that their children were not welcome at.

It's not that they're not welcome, but our friends have so many kids between them that it would mean we would have to not invite some of the adults - who to be fair are who we actually want to come. Their kids are fine, but we don't really spend time with their kids.

What would people do in this situation?

RaffertyFair · 17/04/2019 11:24

And the B and G can show that consideration by not using words that this thread has shown to piss people off. Its that simple.

RaffertyFair · 17/04/2019 11:25

That wording sounds absolutely fine to me.
churchthecat

churchthecat · 17/04/2019 11:31

And we wont be upsetting "family children" because none of our family have under 16s. It's all friends with children.

So the "it's a family occasion" thing isn't relevant here.

AryaStarkWolf · 17/04/2019 11:37

Do people really assume that their kids are invited if their names aren't on the invite? I've never come across this in my life. We didn't specifically say on our invites that kids weren't invited (except a few close family members) and no one brought their kids. Odd

churchthecat · 17/04/2019 11:38

It does happen, there's been quite a few threads about it before where people have assumed that their kids are invited when only the couple are named on the invite - because they come as a package.

AryaStarkWolf · 17/04/2019 11:43

They come as a package to weddings though? Come on, that's kind of cheeky to me. I wonder if it's an British thing? I'm Irish and have never come across that way of thinking (happy to be corrected on that one)

churchthecat · 17/04/2019 12:03

Just did an AS and found an older thread where people had written:

"As far as child free weddings go if you don't want my children you don't want me. Nothing nasty about that it's just the way I feel."

"Have a night off and enjoy yourselves'= "We want to have all your attention on us and we only want people who behave in a certain way (drink loads, stay late)'. I find the whole concept a bit precious and childish in itself."

BlackCatSleeping · 17/04/2019 12:08

Even Debretts says to write the policy on children on the wedding invitation. It can be confusing and saves the guests the embarrassment of asking.

Churchthecat, that wording looks good to me!

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