AIBU to take exception to being offered 'a night off' at a wedding?

[SomethingStupidSomethingGreat]

DH and I have been awaiting a formal invite (after the 'save the date' had been sent) for a wedding in 3 months time. We were expecting it to be a child free wedding, which is fine... and to be honest, who 'really' wants to take young children to a wedding?
However, the invite arrived and states
'We love your kids but thought you would like a night off, so adults only please'
... we won't be going as dc2 is bf and an avid bottle refuser so I can't leave her. I don't mind, they are not close family and I have massive wedding fatigue after so many last year... but something has really irked me about the phrasing of the invite. I almost (I won't because I'm only a dick in my head and in anonymous forums) feel like saying...
'Thank you for thinking for us, yes we'd love a night off but unfortunately our dc will starve if she doesn't have almost constant access to my breasts.' (The wedding is 5 hours away).
Full disclosure, I do realise that none of this is the couples fault.
I'm not sure what phrasing would have been better and not irked me? I guess it just grated a bit that actually some people don't have the choice of a night off from their kids no matter how much you love them 😬

I wonder if the intention behind the wording is to try to soften the blow/make them sound understanding/make them sound nice/make it sound like there is a good reason for no children rather than it just being because of their own preference. They probably know there will be some people who would prefer to take children/have to take a baby/can't afford or find a sitter so some will be put out by this, giving a different reason is trying to deflect possible moaning at them about it from some people invited.

They should just put on it is an adults only wedding.

Dear invitee,

We are getting married on 1 January 2121 at xx:xx time and xxxxxx place. The invite is for you and you, no children please as:

• we can't afford to include children,*

• we don't want to pay extortionate prices for children,*

• we don't want certain children running around shrieking and ruining the day so are excluding the well behaved ones too so the parents of said children can't complain, (take note aunty xxxxxxx and uncle yyyyyyy, your little Jimmy is a completely spoiled nightmare*

• we want a relaxed drink filled day and don't want children making it less relaxed,*

• we hate children and don't want your children in our special occasion, of course, when we have our own children we will take offence when they aren't invited to events,*

• we are claiming to be nice and give you a night off looking after your own children, but not acknowledging the problems this may cause - finding/paying for childcare, expressing milk, feeling guilty for leaving pfb for the first time overnight, feeling bad about leaving a sobbing pfb yelling for you from the doorstep etc. Then asking you to pay to travel to us and buy us a naice wedding present.*

• other reason __________.

• please delete as applicable.

Please RSVP asap.

Even if you can't make it you can still gift us. Our wedding list is at Harrods, online viewing and paying essential, they will then wrap, label and send the goodies to us. Or our bank details are ABC Bank, sort code 654321, account number 12345678, will only accept amounts in multiples of £100s.

E-mail us now at [email protected] to let us know what you are giving us, oh and of course to let us know if you are coming to my, I mean, our special day.

Yours,

Bridezilla and Groomzilla.

Bit confused about your reply. OP only ever mentions one child. Plenty of people go away and have friends/family or even temporary nannies care for children (search ‘Tinies’ on google for a good nanny agency).

As they say “where there’s a will, there’s a way”. If OP wanted to go the ‘problems’ wouldn’t be problems mere challenges.

A 2 year old! They don't NEED a breastfeed and certainly will not starve. Jesus christ.

Do them mean a 2nd child not a 2 year old?

What else could they have said?

'We don't want your kids shrieking and running around, spoiling our wedding. They're not welcome.'

True, maybe, but much less tactful than the wording they did use.

@Tistheseason17 yes I read your full post, but the bit you’re quoting now wasn’t at all relevant to my response to the rest of what you said.

Don’t know why you’re saying sorry for having an opinion in that manner. No one ever suggested you shouldn’t. But if you post your opinion on the internet you need to accept that people might disagree with you and say so!

God people can't bloody win can they

People are so mean about weddings, when it's someone else's. My wedding is 12 years ago and I bet people bitched about it but you're caught up in it all. And people with kids ( including me) do use the term 'looking forward to a night off' so they probably didn't think they'd offend. And no your child wouldn't starve, that's a bit silly ( but you're sleep deprived and I get that too)

Where has OP said the child is 2 years old? DC2 is second child ...

@EmiliaAirheart alas no, they're adamant they are never having children, so I'll unfortunately never have the chance to repay their kindness

@sunshine11 @BroomstickOfLove my baby is 3 months... no idea where you have the idea she is 2!?

I have no resentment or bitterness. No underlying tension. Sorry to disappoint.

@MrMakersFartyParty I have 2 children. Baby is not 2.

I assumed she was a little baby from what you had written - I was just asking where the two year thing had come from.

Plenty of people go away and have friends/family or even temporary nannies care for children (search ‘Tinies’ on google for a good nanny agency).

As they say “where there’s a will, there’s a way”. If OP wanted to go the ‘problems’ wouldn’t be problems mere challenges.

Yeah. Finding a couple of hundred quid for childcare and leaving tiny children with someone they’ve never met for a full day and overnight is easy after all! Don’t worry if they’re currently a bottle refuser. If they go on a strike to the point of dehydration the nanny can take them to A&E. And you will definitely not worry about it at all. You’ll be enjoying your, er, ‘night off’.

As I’ve said repeatedly, I’ve no problem with childfree weddings. If they involve an overnight stay, only one (or none) of us will go because it isn’t that easy, and we’ve made peace with the fact that our choices (not living in my home country) and circumstances (DH’s family not being very helpful even in emergencies) means that we don’t have family childcare and never will.

However, people pretending that these things aren’t difficult, and if you really wanted to go you could just magic the problems away, just makes those people look a bit thick and unimaginative.

@JassyRadlett before my oldest refused a bottle I didn't really know it was a thing... or to what lengths these babies would go to. So I'll just smile and nod to those who think it's not a big deal 🤷‍♀️along with other issues they've not run into.

My daughter got married recently and the Bridal groups on full on Brides to be desperately trying to think of the most tactful way of saying they don’t want children at their wedding.
And tbh you simply can’t please people.
For example, two of her H2b’s friends were unhappy that children weren’t invited but soo many of their friends in both sides had babies and toddlers and they were right up to and over capacity it wouid have been impossible. Plus the service was being videoed for her 92 year old nan who couldn’t be there and we didn’t want a cocophany of screaming babies.
Both of the Mums stated they were disappointed and upset so my lovely daughter even offered to hire a qualified nanny or nannies to run a crèche.
They said they were no comfortable with that either. I know it’s really tough leaving babies with sitters but this was in a room in the venue with qualified nannies. Honestly we realised it’s so hard to satisfy everyone and you can guarantee someone will take exception to something, even wording on an invite even if you spent hours agonising about the most tactful way to try and say it!

You are being unreasonable, because what is offending you is that your children are not invited, not the wording. There is no way that this couple could have phrased this that would have made this unobjectionable.

@Durgasarrow well thank goodness there is an anonymous person on the internet who knows my thoughts better than me

Look, clearly it is difficult for you to go, you don't really want to go, you resent the idea of having to go, you're angry that these people don't understand how complicated it is for you to go and how you're tired and breastfeeding etc . In your mind, your appearance at their wedding is a sacrifice and an obligation. But did it occur to you that to them, their invitation might be a gift and a privilege, given to a limited number of people? They might honestly be imagining that this is going to be a precious occasion that they are carefully planning in a way to provide the maximum enjoyment for the maximum number of guests--which might even include parents who are so tuned in to their full-time parenting that they forget that there are other experiences that they can enjoy as humans occasionally outside the parenting bubble? I'm not saying that's what these people are definitely saying. But you're definitely not giving them the benefit of the doubt.

As someone who also had a "no children" rule at my wedding, the reactions from the people who were so offended by it made me grateful as it weeded out the self absorbed people who probably would have allowed their little darlings to ruin it all.

I'm a mum of 3 now and I still wouldn't care about that wording, they're just trying not to be rude, they know they're not providing childcare for you. They honestly never even considered someone might be breastfeeding, not exactly interesting is it?

I do think that when people plan their weddings, they hope that people will enjoy them. Weddings are formal parties, and sometimes, formal parties are adult occasions--that is because formal behavior is learned behavior that requires discipline children do not always have. It's not an insult against parents. If I did have a guess about how you really felt, it isn't anger I would suspect, it's guilt about not wanting to go. I personally do not think you should feel at all obligated to go at this stage of your life, and I also think the b and g would forgive you. Your reasons are so sound! I would not expect you to go under those circumstances, and I think that's fine!

@Durgasarrow I appreciate your in depth look at this. A little amazed that you are so invested. Tbh I would see it as an obligation and the fact I can't go and have a legitimate excuse is honestly a bonus. Therefore not angry and not upset. I don't imagine any kick back from not being able to go. I'm pleased that my space can now be gifted to someone who will make the most of it and likely enjoy it more. As much an obligation it would be to go it's likely an obligation that they had to invite me. So all round everyone will be happy I'm sure.

@flowery - Oh, I see you just picked the bit you wanted to be offended at. Oh dear...

@Durgasarrow Cross post. You are probably right in your most recent post. I think I do feel an element of guilt for not wanting to go. The fact that I actually can't due to having a young baby is a bonus.
I still found the wording 'cringey' and without taking away from all the pps who have very nicely phrased their feelings towards this, it was just a look at that! It wasn't about anger, or about breastfeeding, or child free weddings 🤷‍♀️

Eh? I’m not remotely offended. I responded to one point you made, that’s all. Good grief!

I understand, except you did say "I'm not sure what phrasing would have been better and not irked me?" so I'm not sure what phrasing would have been better and not irked you. If you have a suggestion for better phrasing that you honestly wouldn't be irked by, by all means, let future brides and grooms know!