If your child stole money off you and admitted it as an adult, would you request they pay the money back?

[whiggle]

DD has admitted she stole around £500 off of me between the ages of 14-16. She is 20 now and has admitted it. Would you expect her to pay the money back?

Difficult. I'm tempted to say yes, some of it over time, but see if you can get her to offer. But if your reaction when she told you was "You didn't have to take it. I'd have given you the money for that" then probably no.

No before the update and especially now you've told us what she was doing with the money. I think this is related to the weight issues she has and was obviously in a bad place at the time to be sitting in the park eating by herself after taking it. It sounds very linked to me and I would use this opportunity to support and talk it over and try and see if you can get more information on why she felt she needed to. Bless her I think that's really sad actually and obviously she was trying to fill a hole. Very similar to symptoms of depression where you have reckless behaviour trying to "fix" the bad feelings

No. She was a child. It was years ago. She's sorry. Help her with other issues she's got rather than trash the trust she has demonstrated by confessing to you.

No, I'd move on.

I haven’t read the full thread!

In light of the recent post I would be focusing all my energy in helping her lose weight. To be told that surgery is her only option at 20 is frightening. Realistically if she keeps going this way she will be lucky to reach middle age, due to all the other health issues she may also the have.

I’m going to take a different stance and say, do you think she told you, as a way of blaming you. You let her know the code, you let her know money was going in, and you weren’t counting to notice it going missing. If you had, you would have changed the code, she couldn’t have got in, and couldn’t have purchased more food to eat. 🤷🏻‍♀️Just a thought.

(And I appreciate how hard it is with a child who is overweight, I struggle with my teen son, so I do understand, and I am frightening like hell with him now to lose weight, and eat healthily before it gets too late)

She took it to go and buy food from the shop and says when she told me she was "playing out with friends" she was actually going to the shop, buying loads of food and eating it in the park on her own.
This is really sad. Poor thing. Don’t make her pay it back get her some therapy.

Sounds like food is an addiction and she stole the money for it. In that case then no the fact she has come clean shows she is accepting her behaviour was wrong and in part her addiction problem.

Make it clear your disappointed but also pleased she felt she could come clean.

This thread makes me feel so sad. Poor girl.
Can you help her get some counselling? CBT can help?

Oh your poor DD. My heart goes out to that child sitting alone in the park, eating her feelings.

her GP has said that she isn't illegible for weight loss surgery as she doesn't have diabetes

Not quite the full picture. Basically it depends on her BMI.

If her BMI is over 40, she can be referred to start what's called "the pathway" to bariatrics immediately. First phase of this is usually being sent to a dietician or weight loss group by the GP. There will then be several more steps before a final decision is made whether to operate. Basically she has to try to make the effort first.

If her BMI is between 35 and 40, she would be eligible to start the pathway if she has any other condition which weight loss would improve. This could be something like diabetes, high blood pressure, joint pain, PCOS.

My BMI was 51 when I was referred, and I'd already been down the dietician route when my BMI was about 40. Gastric bypass changed my life. It is really hard - the hardest thing physically I've ever done. I spent the first 6 months vomiting at least once a day as I slowly tried to add foods back to my diet. But I've got my life back. I lost 50% of my body weight. 3.5 years out I am still restricted in what I can eat but can generally manage a full adult portion in a restaurant as long as I stick to the right foods.

PM me if you want to talk further about bypass.

If it were me I’d get her to perhaps go and get some counselling? Perhaps the £500 she took could be put towards that? That might help her deal with her issues.
I feel for her, it can’t have been easy to admit or to hear but it’s what you do with that information to help her, which is important

I used to secret eat as child, I stole money off my parents (pocket change, probably about £50 in total) to buy food because my parents restricted what I ate because I was big.
I think it’s really good of her to admit what she’s done and I think you both need to look back at how her child was perceived by the both of you. Good luck.

Get the belt??? Wtf

One of mine did this. About £200 but I noticed straightaway. It’s horrible and I was furious. But we moved on. He’s now a very sensible, hardworking adult. It was part of a very difficult teenage phase.

No i would leave it and be glad that she told you albeit took a while . Clean slate . Life’s too short .

I think it would be very cold of you to ask her to pay it back. She has tried to open up to you about the full extent of her issues, making this about money could permanently damage your relationship with her, is £500 worth that risk?

I think her telling you is a very important communication. I would ask her how she feels now about taking it, whether she thinks she was sad then. I would try to talk with her about ways I/other parent were good parents, and maybe things that were difficult for us or the DC (eg busy/unhappy/hard to connect). See if she can link her eating issues to this incident or earlier - most bingeing is due to stuffing emotions down due to personality or emotional deprivation. This is a big chance for you and her.

As she is apologetic then no I wouldn’t. I would be annoyed, but having been honest & apologetic then I’d have a very serious talk with her & let it go.

How do you feel about it OP?

My niece stole quite a bit of money and other stuff from me. She had quite a troubled up bringing.

Think I’d just let it go, at least she had enough guilt to actually tell you! But pretty surprised you hadn’t noticed!

Why are you asking this question?

BOTH of you need counseling. That's not an insult, but you really need to learn how to help/communicate with her.

Think of HER! not your money from years ago!!

Over two years that works out at approx £5 a week. Was it a constant slow drip or in large lumps? One way you could well have not noticed but if large amounts at a time would be difficult not to notice. Pay back, would depend on why DD did it.

About the money I think you shouldn't ask her to give it back. About the weight loss surgery for your daughter I think the GP was wrong and she could be eligible. I had my gastric band surgery last year without having diabetes but had to have at least 40 BMI. And she has to show she tried other ways of losing weight. I am very happy after my surgery and lost 30kg until now. I really wish your daughter can have it to.

I think Op is saying that her daughter in small amounts stole the money from her over 2 years which works out at under £1 a day so I can see how it wouldn’t have been difficult to miss. It sounds a lot of money (it would have been a lot of money to me) but Op didn’t seem to miss it/ be aware of it at the time. It’s a very difficult one, I think that if it was said in an argumentative manner then I would make her pay it back because she obviously thinks she had a right to do this but, if it was in a normal conversation or she felt bad about it then maybe just laugh it off, and put it to bed.

If she is 20 and potentially needs weight loss surgery due to her size and was taking money to secretly eat, £500 you didn't notice missing is the least of your concerns for her.

You kill this relationship with that money back request and she will likely gain more weight with guilt eating.