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AIBU?

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Original poster

If your child stole money off you and admitted it as an adult, would you request they pay the money back?

129 replies

whiggle · 13/04/2019 20:03

DD has admitted she stole around £500 off of me between the ages of 14-16. She is 20 now and has admitted it. Would you expect her to pay the money back?

OP posts:
S1naidSucks · 13/04/2019 22:27

OP, I wonder if this is her trying to work towards the discussion of WHY she was secret eating, because that is the most important part of what has happened. The money is gone but her issues haven’t. Is she trying to tell you something serious but hasn’t found the confidence yet. Do you think there was an incident that started all this? Do you remember any change of behaviour at that time? I’m concerned that this poor girl is carrying a very sad, dark secret.

Honeypickle · 13/04/2019 22:31

The money isn’t the issue here, or shouldn’t be. Your daughter was stealing to eat on her own. And still to this day, you say food/weight is an issue. This is what you should be focusing on.

Hadenoughofitall441 · 13/04/2019 22:40

I think the more pressing issue is that you didn’t notice... what she did was wrong for sure but you not noticing is something. You didn’t miss it back then.... let bygones be bygones...

MiniEggAddiction · 13/04/2019 22:43

In this situation asking for the money back would be the very least of my concerns. It would be one thing if she had just used it to buy clothes and go out with her mates (even that I could forgive as she was a young teenager) but it sounds like she's trying to tell you about a serious emotional issue she has about food. I think you should focus on that and her well being in general. Whether she should pay you back £500 which you didn't seem to even miss at the time would not be an issue for me at all.

TheGodmother · 13/04/2019 22:49

Wise words @StormBringers!

Dieu · 13/04/2019 23:57

Nope, I wouldn't.
Hopefully in future, when she's earning a proper wage, she'll offer to pay it back off her own bat. That would demonstrate more integrity than forcing her to do it now.

Boneshere · 14/04/2019 02:54

Your daughter obviously is a food addict and binge eater - disordered eating!
No, I wouldn't male her pay it back, she is already torturing herself over it, because she brought it up all these years later. She needs help, not punishment. She's held herself accountable by coming forward, now you need to be there for her.

GinZing · 14/04/2019 03:03

Would you feel better if she paid it back? Probably not. If your daughter has opened up about an eating disorder I imagine she’s asking for your support.

GinZing · 14/04/2019 03:07

There’s a book which I’ve heard recommended called Getting Better Bite by Bite which might be worth a look. Wishing you and your DD all the best OP.

EmeraldShamrock · 14/04/2019 03:31

No I wouldn't, I would be disappointed.
I also think she is crying out.

MissMoan · 14/04/2019 04:02

What Greensleeves said.

Ihatehashtags · 14/04/2019 06:14

Haha no!!

emanresuruoy · 14/04/2019 08:17

OP does she still overeat or is the problem losing the weight? If she is still over eating you asked what you can do - you may not be person to "cure" her, but you could make it really clear to her that her stealing and eating in secret back then was almost certainly to do with her needs not being met rather than anything inherently lacking in her, rather than it being to do with her bad character, as that may give her some perspective and may help her feel better about herself and motivate her to find the right kind of help now. You may need to say it more than once. You could also buy her some of the books recommended, and say that there may be help is available via the GP or privately to help deal with the root causes, and so your encouragement about that would help. Surgery won't help if she continues to over eat.

dadmode · 14/04/2019 08:52

I wouldn't ask her to pay it back.

She could have kept the secret forever but she opened up to you and apologised, presumably because she wants to be more honest with you and have a better relationship with you as an adult. Making her pay it back as a form of discipline would go against that in my eyes. I think it would be nice to accept the gesture towards a closer relationship and returning it by forgiving her.

To anyone confused how OP could have failed to notice... 14-16 is 2 or 3 years. So that's like £3-£5 per week.

spottycap · 14/04/2019 09:02

Could you pay for counselling for her with someone who might help her with her eating? In the least even if she loses no weight just to cope with how she is?
I would not make her pay it back. She’s told you for a reason. That reason isn’t so you can punish her.

WhoAteMyNuts · 14/04/2019 09:03

She was clearly unhappy in her life and stole from you to try and compensate. Maybe she also wanted to do something where she might have been 'caught' as a cry for help.

I would not ask for any repayment as what you do now may have a profound impact on your relationship with her as an adult.

She confessed and is apologetic. Surely you can see how hard that must have been for her to admit to you along with all her other issues. The fact that she is opening up to you about this time in her life is encouraging. I think asking for repayment right now would result in her shutting that door in your relationship.

Isohungy · 14/04/2019 09:05

OP update is a game changer- as someone else mentioned, her needs weren't being met which culminated in her stealing and binging.

She finds the courage to admit and apologise -and I'd half bet she was hoping so would make you realise your part to play in this and instead you want to know if she should pay it back!!!

I'd love to know how you think you "support her" with her weight as you keep mentioning?

Try a stab at accepting her for how she is, making her feel worthy and loved. That's what she needs, 20 or 14!

Guyliner · 14/04/2019 09:12

I’m concerned that this poor girl is carrying a very sad, dark secret

There may well be no secret other than she felt that her weight was a problem for her family. Sad it's not an unusal reaction for a child who is being shamed about their weight

Rosesaredead · 14/04/2019 11:09

No! That's really odd.

SharonBottsPoundOfGrapes · 14/04/2019 11:31

I didn't steal £500 but I definitely crossed the line as a kid. I started gaining weight when my dad died (I was 9). My mum put me on a very restricted diet as I was 6lbs overweight. I started stealing food to eat in secret. My mum couldn't resist commenting every time I ate something and it made me paranoid. She would give me tiny portions and refuse me a share of dessert if there was one. I used to wake up with severe hunger pangs. School holidays were the worst as she never made lunch. I would take food from classmates lunch boxes, friends houses, the shop my mum owned... I'm 40 now and weigh about 19 stone. I love my mum but still get jittery eating around her.

LynetteScavo · 14/04/2019 11:46

No I would want her to pay it back.

It about £5 per week and kids cost a lot more than that, so in the big scheme of things it's not OTT.

I wound upset and hurt though, unless she genuinely needed it for things you weren't providing.

Guyliner · 14/04/2019 11:55

She was using the money to eat in secret Lynette.

Meandwinealone · 14/04/2019 12:24

I might be inclined to think that she told you she took it and the reasons why to open a discussion with you about how she felt back then.
Maybe she wants to talk about it with you?
I would suggest counselling for her, these issues are very deep seated.

EmeraldShamrock · 14/04/2019 13:12

I still get the impression her secret eating may be hiding something deeper.
Grief is usually a big trigger for DC, or some form of sexual abuse. I hope it is nothing sinister.

LynetteScavo · 14/04/2019 16:52

Sorry, I'm in the app, and lots of replies weren't showing.

I think she telling you now she stole money for food is somehow a cry for help with her weight.

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