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AIBU?

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Original poster

If your child stole money off you and admitted it as an adult, would you request they pay the money back?

129 replies

whiggle · 13/04/2019 20:03

DD has admitted she stole around £500 off of me between the ages of 14-16. She is 20 now and has admitted it. Would you expect her to pay the money back?

OP posts:
Farmerswifey12 · 13/04/2019 20:27

No. She didn't need to admit that to you and I'm assuming the fact she has means she felt guilty about it? If she insists on paying it back to clear her conscience then the charity idea sounds good but I certainly wouldn't ask for it

Original poster
whiggle · 13/04/2019 20:32

I used to put money in a safe every week. I never counted it for about 5 years, just kept adding to it. I realise that was probably a very dumb decision, but that's how she was able to take it and I had no idea, as when I did count it, I would never assume there had been an extra £500 not accountable for. She is apologetic for it.

OP posts:
flyingspaghettimonster · 13/04/2019 20:33

I would thank her for coming clean, ask her why she didn't feel able to aso for money here and there when she wanted it, and tell her I hope she learned it doesn't feel good to steal or keep secrets like that. I would suggest she pays it forward by occasionally buying someone a coffee or something when she is able. I wouldn't expect it back.

SandAndSea · 13/04/2019 20:35

I think that, as a matter of respect, she should pay you back. Not to charity, to you.

TheRumor · 13/04/2019 20:35

Let it go OP.

Owning up to it is enough punishment for them.

Aridane · 13/04/2019 20:35

No, wouldn't require repayment

VictoriaBun · 13/04/2019 20:36

No but I'd make it very obvious that I was very disappointed in her and for awhile I'd need to process that information.

TriarFuck · 13/04/2019 20:38

To me the moneys gone, and has been gone for years. I’d focus on building a better trusting life long relationship at this point. Something obviously wasn’t going well at this point, I’d be wanting to have a fresh start. If you effectively punish her for admitting it with pay back after all this time she’ll probably not admit anything else, if you forgive, talk through your feelings and the impact it has had then you’ve got a good chance of things getting better

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. So well said, @StormBringers

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 13/04/2019 20:40

No, she has realised the error of her ways and apologised for it. And what would be the point? She doesn't need punishing, you aren't missing the money.

Fiveredbricks · 13/04/2019 20:40

Sorry but people are mad. Yes she hould pay it back OP. £100 a month from wages or in a lump sum if she has it and can afford it. It is your money.

Onceuponacheesecake · 13/04/2019 20:41

I think it depends on the situation and how much it was but probably not. I stole £30 from my mum on two separate occasions aged around 11 Blush I'm mortified now. I told her about 1 occasion and paid her back. I honestly can't remember if she knows about the other.

Guyliner · 13/04/2019 20:42

No but I'd make it very obvious that I was very disappointed in her and for awhile I'd need to process that information.

If you did something stupid at 14 would you really expect your mother to be disappointed now?

I told my mother how I used to skim from her alcohol when my friends visited. She thought it was funny (now, knowing that I was fine). What if she'd tried punishing me now for it? Hmm

Quietlife333 · 13/04/2019 20:42

Yes because it’s a large amount of money. If it had been a tenner I Im a one off slip I could live without that. I think it’s important and good that she has admitted it but she now should make up for her actions by repaying you in order to wipe the slate clean.

DrWhy · 13/04/2019 20:42

If you don’t need the money back I like the idea of suggesting that she pay it forwards, use it for charitable donations or similar as and when she can afford it. Give her the responsibility of using the money in a positive way for other people as a way of making amends, rather than demanding she hands it over for you to decide what to do with. If you do need the money (wouldn’t be willing to hand £500 over 2 years to charity yourself) then I think it would be quite reasonable to discuss with her how she will be able to repay it. Tread carefully though, as others have said, you don’t want to put her off telling you stuff.

TreadingThePrimrosePath · 13/04/2019 20:45

I agree with Stormbringers the questions I’d have were why she took it, and why she owned up now.
I stole things as a teen for specific reasons, now resolved. I never owned up though, even though I haven’t taken anything for over 40 years.

Susanna30 · 13/04/2019 20:46

No.
She was a child and by admitting it and apologising she's done the right thing.

GreigLaidlawsbarofsoap · 13/04/2019 20:47

@Isohungy * How did you not notice £500 missing over that time?

OP says it was age 14-16 so over 2 possibly up to 3 years. Say 2 years, that's about a fiver a week on average. Easily missable I would say. Especially from a large purse/kitchen coin jar etc

GabsAlot · 13/04/2019 20:48

it depends what made her confess caught out or off her own back?

VioletCharlotte · 13/04/2019 20:57

She's apologetic and has done the right thing by telling you. I wouldn't ask her to pay you back, teenagers make mistakes. It's good that your relationship is strong enough she felt able to tell you.

BumbleBeee69 · 13/04/2019 21:02

Has she OFFERED to pay it back OP ? Flowers

PurpleCrazyHorse · 13/04/2019 21:10

Agree with @StormBringers

I would thank her for her honesty and maybe ask her what she feels she wants/should do about it. I like the pay it forward/charity approach, so there is some motion to pay it back by proxy, even it it just starts with £5 a month, depending on DD's finances.

I would also want to chat about why she did it and I guess it would make me feel a bit disappointed and maybe wary. So I'd want to be able to start a fresh.

TreadingThePrimrosePath · 13/04/2019 21:14

Did she have access to any money of her own at the time? Pocket money/job?
Was she happy and had friends, or was she stealing to have cash to be popular with?
Was she angry or blaming you for something?
What sort of an adult has she become?
Why did she tell you what she’d done?

aprarl · 13/04/2019 21:15

How did she do that without you noticing?

Was it a cry for attention?

Ohyesiam · 13/04/2019 21:16

Yes

TreadingThePrimrosePath · 13/04/2019 21:17

What was the point of having a safe a child could access?

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