If your child stole money off you and admitted it as an adult, would you request they pay the money back?

[whiggle]

DD has admitted she stole around £500 off of me between the ages of 14-16. She is 20 now and has admitted it. Would you expect her to pay the money back?

No, I'd forgive her and thank her for being honest.

She's obviously done a lot of growing up since then.

This very much depends on why she told you, my initial reaction was to say yes, she should pay back every last penny, but on reflection it would be nice if she offered to to that herself. Then you could tell her not to or to make a donation to charity instead.

How and why did she tell you about it?

Because I didn't have the safe to stop my children from stealing off me? She knew the code, of course she did. She was an older teenager and I had older children and it was never a problem. Although this is irrelevant now.

No, she hasn't offered to pay it back, she just told me about it and said she was sorry. There's a few things she admits from her childhood, so assume it is just another thing and not for any reason.

She took it to go and buy food from the shop and says when she told me she was "playing out with friends" she was actually going to the shop, buying loads of food and eating it in the park on her own.

She is overweight and she recently had an unrelated surgery where they told her weight loss surgery might be her only option. Her GP says she isn't illegible so not sure why the surgeon even said this (this is a whole other thread though!) I think this might have come from her thinking back to food issues she had when growing up.

Anyway, thank you for the comments. It seems most wouldn't make her pay it back.

No. I would forget it in the same way childhood convictions are. If the police can forget once they become an adult then I can! Our children are completely grown up, different people when adults so you cannot make them suffer for their past actions. I, not proudly, took the odd tenner or two in coins. Never £100s! But I have given this back over the years in shopping and favours. My DM was borderline abusive and DF did not financially contribute, I had to have pocket money if I wanted to fit in with my friends. May be similar for your daughter

I think that when children steal it is because their needs are not being met. I would probably try to find out why she stole. I wouldn't make her pay the money back, it wouldn't even occur to me to be honest.

I've just read your update. Sounds like she has a whole load of issues going on if she was stealing money to buy food. Have you thought about counselling for her weight issues? It sounds like there's some unresolved emotional stuff going on.

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Ah, i just saw your update.

She was actually going to the shop, buying loads of food and eating it in the park on her own

Like I said in my previous post, it would have been because her needs were not being met. It could have been to do with not coping with something, not having been taught how to cope with something. She could have been being abused. Or any other of the many possibilities. I would tell her that her behaviour was to do with her needs not being met, to do with not having been taught sufficient emotional literacy possibly, and encourage her to think about why. She needs to think about it all, come to terms with it, process it so that she can move on and deal with weight issues and everything else.

You have a very different set of priorities to me, your daughter has serious problems that she needs support with if she’s only 20 and being advised to have weight loss surgery.
Help her instead of focusing on money you didn’t even notice was missing.

Considering the update I wouldn’t ask her to pay it back

What can I possibly do? I support her with her weight. I can't control what she does at 20. She knows she's big. Some days she will accept that and eat foods and sometimes she attempts to diet. I really support her and her GP has said that she isn't illegible for weight loss surgery as she doesn't have diabetes. It was the surgeon who did her other surgery (does bariatric also) that mentioned it. She is overweight but what can I seriously do about that when she is 20 years old?

it would have been because her needs were not being met. It could have been to do with not coping with something, not having been taught how to cope with something. She could have been being abused.

My mum was a sort of volunteer treasurer for a local organisation. She had to collect lots of small monetary sums each week. She threw them all in a drawer and rarely checked them.

Over the course of nearly a year, I stole c£300. This was a lot of money 35 years ago. I was about 15.

I spent it mainly on food, but also on make up and clothes.
My mum worked it out. She had to take a bank loan to pay it back, which was hard for her as she worked part time and my dad kept a close eye on the money.

But I 100% took it because I was neglected by my parents, and abused by my father. My mother never cared for me. I was never fed properly. I was always hungry and I was very underweight.

So I agree with the posters who say to look at why she did it and the reasons behind that and see if there is a way to make amends now. Maybe she could have some counseling?

What can I possibly do? I support her with her weight. I can't control what she does at 20. She knows she's big. Some days she will accept that and eat foods and sometimes she attempts to diet. I really support her and her GP has said that she isn't illegible for weight loss surgery as she doesn't have diabetes. It was the surgeon who did her other surgery (does bariatric also) that mentioned it. She is overweight but what can I seriously do about that when she is 20 years old?

No.

The priority here is not punishing your ill daughter.

She clearly needs your help still OP, help her.

There's nowhere near enough information here for posters to be implying that OP isn't supporting her daughter, that her weight problem is because of poorly met emotional needs, or that OP is more interested in the money/punishment than in her daughter's welfare.

I think the fact that she has fessed up to this is a GOOD sign. She is communicating, and processing the things that have happened in her life. She's being honest with her mother, which many of us will never ever be able to do.

I hope she keeps communicating OP and I hope her health gets sorted out

I wouldn't. I'd let it go. I'd want to know why she did it though.

If I hadn’t missed it, I wouldn’t ask for it back. But I’d be more concerned about how/why she told me.

Actually eating in secret really does imply that her needs weren't being met. I would wonder why she felt ashamed to eat in front of the OP normally.

If my daughter had told me that I'd be wondering where I went wrong not asking if I should be owed the money back.

Perhaps she's admitted it now as a cry for help?

I would be so sorry for her.

I'm not sure why a charity should get this money.

She clearly needs help, doesn't she? Is she getting any help now?

Under the circumstances, no, I wouldn’t ask her to pay it back.

OP I would strongly encourage her to read Brain over binge by Kathryn Hansen and/or listen to the accompanying podcast. I struggle with binge eating and it is really helping me.

for you, it must be so hard supporting her and for her going through it.

I wouldn't ask for it back, she was a child with no income at the time she stole it. I'd grit my teeth, force a smile thank her for being honest and give her a big hug.