If your child stole money off you and admitted it as an adult, would you request they pay the money back?

whiggle · 2019-04-13T19:03:29+00:00

DD has admitted she stole around £500 off of me between the ages of 14-16. She is 20 now and has admitted it. Would you expect her to pay the money back?

DameSylvieKrin · 13/04/2019 20:04

If you need it, yes.
Otherwise I’d ask her to donate it to a charity of my choice.

64sNewName · 13/04/2019 20:06

Much depends on her attitude about it - but no, if she is generally a reasonable and honest person now and is sorry for having done this, I don’t think I would.

64sNewName · 13/04/2019 20:07

Really good idea to encourage her to “pay”
it back in donations. Turn an upsetting thing into something positive.

TheRumor · 13/04/2019 20:09

No, I wouldn't.

Isohungy · 13/04/2019 20:09

How did you not notice £500 missing over that time?

If the conversation was apologetic etc I'd let it go.

JustTwoMoreSecs · 13/04/2019 20:09

No, I wouldn’t. It would have taken her courage to admit it, I would reward it by not asking for it back.

64sNewName · 13/04/2019 20:10

If you are in debt or struggling though, I think you’re totally within your rights to ask for it back, of course. But then, if that’s the case it seems unlikely your dd has £500 spare either.

cliquewhyohwhy · 13/04/2019 20:10

If you didn't miss it when it was stolen and she was apologetic about it now then no I wouldn't ask her to pay it back.

Tonightstheteriyakichicken · 13/04/2019 20:10

Ouch. Realistically, can she budget to pay any back?

autumnnightsaredrawingin · 13/04/2019 20:10

I would be more worried about the fact she has hidden this fairly big secret from you for so long. I’d try to find out why she took the money. Paying it pay- yes absolutely!

NaturatintGoldenChestnut · 13/04/2019 20:10

No.

TidyDancer · 13/04/2019 20:10

Yes I would expect it paid back but if you don't need the money I think the charity donation is a nice idea.

SoyDora · 13/04/2019 20:12

It would depend on the context around it all I guess. Why did she steal it? What is your relationship like? How didn’t you notice?

StormBringers · 13/04/2019 20:12

Probably not, but I can’t imagine not knowing where £500 went- did you think you were burgled or something?

To me the moneys gone, and has been gone for years. I’d focus on building a better trusting life long relationship at this point. Something obviously wasn’t going well at this point, I’d be wanting to have a fresh start. If you effectively punish her for admitting it with pay back after all this time she’ll probably not admit anything else, if you forgive, talk through your feelings and the impact it has had then you’ve got a good chance of things getting better.

Butchyrestingface · 13/04/2019 20:14

No, not unless you plan to start asking her to pay you back for all the times she may have raided the fridge after being told not to, broke an item that belonged to someone else through carlessness, mishandling, etc. (I know stealing is a bit different).

What’s her attitude about it like, though? Apologetic or nonchalant? That might affect my position in your shoes.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 13/04/2019 20:15

£500 in a lump
or rifling your purse and a quid here and there?

Not that it makes a difference, children aren't accountable, but it would be nice if she made the offer to repay.

64sNewName · 13/04/2019 20:16

To me the moneys gone, and has been gone for years. I’d focus on building a better trusting life long relationship at this point. Something obviously wasn’t going well at this point, I’d be wanting to have a fresh start. If you effectively punish her for admitting it with pay back after all this time she’ll probably not admit anything else, if you forgive, talk through your feelings and the impact it has had then you’ve got a good chance of things getting better.

^This is all so wise

VioletCharlotte · 13/04/2019 20:17

It would depend. If she confessed because she was feeling guilty and was genuinely sorry, then no. If she was boasting about how she got away with it, yes definitely.

HavelockVetinari · 13/04/2019 20:20

Yes, I absolutely would - not because I need it (I don't) but because it's a really valuable lesson.

Guyliner · 13/04/2019 20:20

No, it wouldn't occur to me to. She's an adult now and not the same person who stole the money. That was a quarter of a life time away for her. You couldn't legally expect it anyway I dont think. You were the one responsible for her at the time! You could have demanded it at the time as her.mother but not now.

Also what would punishing her now achieve?

Guyliner · 13/04/2019 20:21

*She's already learned the lesson.

CastleCrasher · 13/04/2019 20:21

It would depend. If she confessed because she was feeling guilty and was genuinely sorry, then no. If she was boasting about how she got away with it, yes definitely.

^^ this

Also, how she took it would matter to me. That's about a fiver a week, was she taking a small amount regularly, or larger amounts? What did she use it for?

chocatoo · 13/04/2019 20:23

if you didn't notice that it was missing then she probably shouldn't be made to pay it back..

Greensleeves · 13/04/2019 20:24

No, I wouldn't ask for it back. I'd be more interested in why it had happened; did she have a particularly turbulent adolescence? Were there other risky behaviours, drugs, was the relationship very rocky?

If there were known issues with her at that age which are now resolved, and she is just owning up for the benefit of closeness and honesty, I'd just cuddle her and say it's all in the past and we all fuck up.

If it's the thin end of a wedge that you weren't aware of, then there may be other disclosures she needs to make and you need to be ready to support her with those.

Guyliner · 13/04/2019 20:26

Literally her brain has changed and will continue to change for a few more years. Her taste in food and likes dislikes have changed. Shes not the same person. It seems crazy to me to expect her to pay it back