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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it ever justified for a parent to do this?

175 replies

ChateauneufDuTwat · 13/04/2019 18:31

Apologies in advance for frustrating vagueness as I just want a subjective answer to the question rather than a full analysis of the situation.

Q. Is it ever ok for a divorced parent to actively encourage/allow their children to call their new spouse (not their DC's parent) 'Mum/Dad' when said parent of DC is still 100% on the scene and involved in DCs lives?

DC are 10 and 8. Step-parent has been in their lives for 5 years.

It's not Daddy for actual parent and DaddyFred for step-parent btw but Dad for both. Or Mum.

OP posts:
pullingmyhairout2 · 14/04/2019 17:52

My brother's both opted to call their step dad (my dad) dad. My dad was chuffed to bits the first time they called him that and their biological dad was also fine with it. They were not forced to say it, it was how they felt about him. I think it should be left up to the child to decide.

csigeek · 14/04/2019 17:52

As a mother, step mother and child with step parents.
No.
It's up to the child.

EllenMP · 14/04/2019 17:59

As a parent of three and also a step parent of three I can say unequivocally that this is definitely NOT ok. Kids have one mum and one dad. The step parent relationship is a wonderful one, there is no need to try to “upgrade” a step parent to a parent, unless the child doesn’t have a second parent and both the child and step parent feel their bond is better described this. But if it’s a plain old divorce situation and both parents are in their lives, then step parents should be called by their first name or some other nickname. But not Mum or Dad. I absolutely love being a stepmum. It’s a different job from being a mum but one that brings something different and special to the child’s table.

Dimebag10M · 14/04/2019 18:10

My friend forces her almost teenage step children to call her 'mummy' .. She can't understand why I think its wrong, even though she said she would kill another woman who would make HER daughter call them mummy Hmm

Fowles94 · 14/04/2019 18:11

My step sisters wanted to call my mum 'mum's she explained they should keep that especially for their mum and if they wanted to they could pick a nickname for her instead.

FontSnob · 14/04/2019 18:22

Encourage or allow? Two different things and the kids should be allowed to call the step parent what they’re comfortable with.

user1496484946 · 14/04/2019 18:22

Hi I brought up my husbands children - they lived with us from the age of 6 and 9. I was always called by my name I was always their step mum not their mum, and I don’t think it’s right, nor did they, they didn’t want to call any of their step parents mum or dad as we weren’t. Now they have children I’m nanny xxxx but that was at their request. I think being honest

Ravenesque · 14/04/2019 18:23

I was told to call my mum's partner - they never married but were together for about seven years - dad/daddy. My father had died and blah, but I never wanted to call him dad/daddy, because he wasn't and I also did not like him at all. If my dad had still been around there is no way on God's Green Earth that I would have been bullied into calling him dad. My mum went on to marry a lovely man and I have always called him by his name.

I don't think it's right at all.

bytheseaby123 · 14/04/2019 18:24

My step daughter calls me by my name but her step dad who she lives with dad. She has two siblings living with her who he is the birth father so i guess it's inclusive for her to call him that too.
She is 7 and she calls my partner dad too obvs cos he is, and is v involved. She definitely knows which one is her birth father and my partner isn't at all bothered. They are both a dad for her so...

Exexexcel · 14/04/2019 18:45

I called my stepdad 'dad' from very early on, but I don't remember being asked to (or told to).

However I also stopped calling my actual father 'dad' and have called him by his first name since then. Now I have children of my own I cannot understand why my father allowed this to happen. I also can't understand why my mum let this happen. In hindsight, yes, my father was/is a crap dad and my stepdad is a hero, but it was not right that the 'dad' label transferred to my step dad so early on and not right that all the adults just let it happen.

ddl1 · 14/04/2019 18:57

I think it is not right to encourage them to call the step-parent by the same name as their parent, if the parent is on the scene. If they call the parent and step-parent by different parental names (e.g. Dad and Papa), I think that's OK. Ultimately, however, it's perhaps up to the child.

hopefulglimmer · 14/04/2019 19:00

There is a huge difference between encouraging and allowing.

Encouraging - definitely not - bordering on psychological abuse to do this.

Allowing? Hmm - I would probably explain what Dad means and suggest that step parent has another title - Daddy David for example, if they really felt they wanted to call step parent Daddy.

Sally2791 · 14/04/2019 19:06

No ,not if it's done with any adult pressure at all.

Motherofasleepthief · 14/04/2019 19:27

As speaking as possibly the most blended family member possible
(I’ve had now both two stepmothers and two stepfathers - all of whom bar one are still involved in my life) I don’t agree no,
I’ve never called any of my step anything’s other than their first names (and never would) my mum would have been heartbroken and despite my dad living hundreds of miles away he was still very much on the scene - he is my father nobody else, Both my Dad & SD walked me down the aisle when I married and both gave seperate speeches - but I still only refer to my Dad as Dad and SD by his name (he was very adamant to ensure everyone knew he was my stepdad not BD on our wedding day)

That said our child does call both my dad and step-dad (who raised me) a form of grandad and my current stepdad (they’ve been together a long time) by his first name

My own mum and step-mum have the title Nana - My daughter seems to have no issue with it and she knows who she’s talking about so I’m happy enough

My MIL is also called Mum by the whole family (DH, DSIL & DBIL) despite being a step-mother but I only ever call her by her first name (something I’m not 100% she appreciates but again she is not my mother so I don’t call her it)

In all honesty I would get family mediation involved, if she won’t go for it I would get the courts involved

ZforZack · 14/04/2019 19:31

Not ok at all imo , I’m the ‘new ‘ step mum & ive always asked to be called ZforZack,
I would be very upset if it was the other way around ,my partners Ds has both a mum & dad & I am neither x

HappyBumbleBee · 14/04/2019 19:33

*She also makes spending time with him an option rather than a necessity to the DC. So she will say things like "Do you want to see your dad or would you rather "go do this awesome fun thing no child could say no to". He has travelled down there to see them for the whole day to be told on the doorstep that they stayed up late night before/have plans for later so can you just take them for lunch and then home.

She also makes plans for family trips away etc on what would be the DCs usual time with DP. Without any consultation/attempt at compromise.*
Really sorry I'm rushing so not read the last 2 pages but this sounds like there needs to be a more structured set up re visiting via the family courts - so that if it can be enforced for not only your DP sake but also for his DC. When they are older they will know he has always been a part of their life and pushed for as much contact as possible. Same as when they get married and have children of their own, if he's doing all he can to see them etc they will grow up knowing this and understand the difficulties that have been faves through the years.

I dont agree with them calling their step dad Dad, but regarding social media, the people who matter - family - probably shake their heads in wonder when she does this too!
I feel for you all in this situation but the child/children are happy and safe so although it's really tough on your DP all he can talky do is as I've said above. ...and make sure his DC know he is their dad and doing everything he can for regular access xxx

dorisdog · 14/04/2019 19:35

I can imagine situations where this is ok. Some children have two mums/two dads because their parents are in same sex relationships. Poly relationships might have several adults as carers for a child. IDK - I guess people feel strongly that 'original' or 'biological' parents get called mum and dad, but I'm not sure how much it would matter to me. My DC has a 'stepmum,' if they wanted to call her 'mum,' I'd probably be ok with that. It depends on the reasons and depends whether it would get confusing.

ContraryAnn · 14/04/2019 19:41

My nephew wanted his son to call his new love interested 'mum' and the boy (5) refused.

I married again when my son was 8 and my son always called my husband by his first name. I would have never have dreamed of asking him to call my husband 'dad' even though my ex was long gone - thank god.

Doubletrouble99 · 14/04/2019 19:52

I've been a step mum for 30 years and would never expect to be called mum by my step children. I did spot once my Step son had put his step dad down as his dad on his face book account so I asked him to change it immediately before his dad - my HD saw it as he would very upset by it.

greenpop21 · 14/04/2019 20:22

No not for me.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 14/04/2019 20:25

Another vote for not ok. I'm a stepmother and it would never have occurred to me to claim the mum title. DSD already had a mother. I was just a step and DSD called me by my first name.

I think it would probably be very hurtful indeed to the actual parent if the stepparent was claiming their role.

Chocolate50 · 14/04/2019 20:25

Not to actively encourage it. My DC called both step dad & actual dad both Dad. But chose to do this when old enough. Its a bit wrong to actively encourage it

Fifflefaffle · 14/04/2019 20:29

No I don't think it's ok. My step son calls me by my first name. He has a mum and everything is fine. Might be different if a parent had passed away but otherwise, no. Always best to have an open conversation with the child, in my opinion, so they know what's going on too.

notyetsleepingthrough · 14/04/2019 20:56

I was the child in that situation. I have to Dads. No issues with it. Never had.

Foxmuffin · 14/04/2019 21:07

My DSS with SEN was encouraged to call his Mums new BF Daddy after the relationship was in its very early stages (they’d been together a few months) it confused my DSS. He kept asking who his daddy was.

DSS has always called me by my first name and I’m happy with that. I think encouraging the use of Mum and Dad is forcing a level of intimacy that should be develop naturally at its own pace. You can’t force feelings.