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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it ever justified for a parent to do this?

175 replies

ChateauneufDuTwat · 13/04/2019 18:31

Apologies in advance for frustrating vagueness as I just want a subjective answer to the question rather than a full analysis of the situation.

Q. Is it ever ok for a divorced parent to actively encourage/allow their children to call their new spouse (not their DC's parent) 'Mum/Dad' when said parent of DC is still 100% on the scene and involved in DCs lives?

DC are 10 and 8. Step-parent has been in their lives for 5 years.

It's not Daddy for actual parent and DaddyFred for step-parent btw but Dad for both. Or Mum.

OP posts:
MissMilly88 · 13/04/2019 18:49

Not ok. I've been a step mum to my step son since he was 8 months and I couldn't imagine ever doing this. How confusing and disrespectful.

Sexnotgender · 13/04/2019 18:50

No not to actively encourage no.

My daughter does sometimes refer to my husband as her dad but that’s all her doing. She’s 15 and her biological dad is somewhat in the picture but very lax in his contact.

SpinneyHill · 13/04/2019 18:51

Kids aren't adults and they understand the man in the house is known as Dad, not to hurt anyone but usually to be the same as other kids. They don't get 'confused' because they don't see mum and dad in terms of biology, it's different if a parent is encouraging it or if there are a steady stream of new mums/dads in their lives.

I felt quite good when my dad remarried after my mums death because having an adult called mum in my life felt better then not having one, I was asked not to call her that which was shitty on her part. My brother and sister had their 'dad' and called mine 'dad' too, they weren't confused and it didn't affect how they felt about either.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 13/04/2019 18:52

No. And if my step-daughter had done it, I would have tried really hard to make sure that we tweaked the word a bit so that I had a different name that didn’t equal her mum’s. I think children are so eager to please sometimes that they need help to find a solution that makes them feel comfortable and lets them know that all the adults involved are comfortable too. It’s a minefield for children and not one of their making.

Lllot5 · 13/04/2019 18:57

No absolutely not. I’m mum nobody else.

cliquewhyohwhy · 13/04/2019 19:01

I'd be furious if my ex was trying to actively encourage our children to call someone else mum. If a parent is absent it is a different story but if both parents are in a child's life then no it's not ok.

fullprice · 13/04/2019 19:01

@JacquesHammer
Hats off to you if you could handle your child calling someone else ‘mum’. I’d be secretly heartbroken.

HJWT · 13/04/2019 19:01

Depends on the child and the parents in each situation, 3 & 5 is still a young age so introducing a step parent could more than likely lead to mum/dad being used...

JaneEyre07 · 13/04/2019 19:03

In the circumstances you are describing OP, that's fucking cruel. And incredibly childish.

Something worthy of a solicitor.

SunshineCake · 13/04/2019 19:05

If it's what the child genuinely would like to do…

Being forced too by the parent or their new spouse, no way.

Missingstreetlife · 13/04/2019 19:05

No, it's wrong, especially when they are little. Older ones will make up their own mind but it should not be encouraged

Pinkprincess1978 · 13/04/2019 19:05

No I don't think it should be actively encouraged and if the biological parent has an issue with the child naturally calling them mum/dad it should be gently discouraged maybe with an alternative pet name being used instead.

I've had two step dads and two step mums in my life and never used anything but their first names.

youarenotkiddingme · 13/04/2019 19:06

Not encouraged or forced.

But I know a few (now adults) who call step dad and dad dad. Both in their lives. Just kinda happened from what they remembered. They all say it wasn't a conscious decision.

MillicentMartha · 13/04/2019 19:06

My friend’s DD was encouraged to do this by her DF. There was a similar aged SDSis who was also encouraged to call her SF Daddy. They then (later) had a child between them who obviously did call them mummy and daddy. It was like they had to be a perfect family. It always seemed very wrong. My friend’s DD is now NC with her SM but has some limited contact with her DF by her own choice.

Hecateh · 13/04/2019 19:07

My kids called their childminder Mum when they were with her. They were there 2 mornings a week and had children of a similar age. (3 and 4). No one told them to, it was just easier.

I must admit, i wasn't crazy about it but understood it was just easier for them as her own children were there.

They knew who their mum was - it was just linguistically easier.

JustmeandtheKIDS2 · 13/04/2019 19:12

What do your children think of this?

I can imagine that this is something my ex husband would encourage with his girlfriend. I would be bloody furious, but i also know i wouldn't be able to do anything about it, also it may frizzle out.

Wallywobbles · 13/04/2019 19:13

We called step mum Babes or by her name. Mum was dead, but she's still Mum.

ALannisterInDebt · 13/04/2019 19:13

No it's not ok.

And I'd unfollow and block them on FB (if they're trying to annoy you on social media remove yourself as an audience)

blackcat86 · 13/04/2019 19:14

No that's not appropriate. My DSS (young teenager) would describe me as his step mum if someone asked him who I was but day to day he just calls me by my first name. I'm sure his DM would be horrified if he called me mum and DH would never encourage it.

GillianUsedToLiveHere · 13/04/2019 19:15

They get to choose.

My DCs have come up with all sorts of variations of Mum/Mummy but I shut down anything I don't like.

We used to call my Dad Pops which became Popsicle and then Mumiscle. That was fine with them. But I wouldn't have called them that if they didn't like it.

But no way should a step child call their step parent Mum/Dad if the bio parents are actively involved in the child's life.

I only have 2 children, there are only 2 people who get to call me Mum.

lanbro · 13/04/2019 19:15

Not ok. I was horrified recently when I learned an ex friend had moved a new boyfriend in after 11 weeks and told her 3 dc he was now their stepdad! Actual dad 100% in the picture and has dc almost 50/50

DistanceCall · 13/04/2019 19:16

It's insane.

The children already have a Mum or Dad.

1poppy1 · 13/04/2019 19:16

My daughter decided she was going to call my husband Daddy, when we had a child together. Before that she called him by a diminutive of his first name. She called her birth father Daddy too and happily told people she had 2 Daddies, which she did.

DarkDarkNight · 13/04/2019 19:17

No, I’m separated and would be so upset if my child called somebody else Mummy Sad. I don’t date but even if I was in a long-term relationship I would never encourage my Child to call another Man Dad. It is so hurtful.

truthisarevolutionaryact · 13/04/2019 19:19

Boundaries! Words have meanings and mum & dad should be reserved for biological parents (excepting adoption and long term fostering). Step parents can be wonderful but they are step parents and we need to find different names .
And as for a childminder - what on earth was she thinking?

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