Is it ever justified for a parent to do this?

[ChateauneufDuTwat]

Apologies in advance for frustrating vagueness as I just want a subjective answer to the question rather than a full analysis of the situation.

Q. Is it ever ok for a divorced parent to actively encourage/allow their children to call their new spouse (not their DC's parent) 'Mum/Dad' when said parent of DC is still 100% on the scene and involved in DCs lives?

DC are 10 and 8. Step-parent has been in their lives for 5 years.

It's not Daddy for actual parent and DaddyFred for step-parent btw but Dad for both. Or Mum.

My dd is really close to her bio dad. I think it says a lot about him (positively) that he doesn't feel threatened by his dd called her stepdad dad. We have 2 dc and I think it was natural she would start calling my dh dad as her siblings did. But calling him dad does not in any way reduce the feelings she has for her bio dad.

No, I don't think it's ok BUT my DD sees her dad regularly and still calls my DP dad fairly frequently. I've told her that she has one dad, but she's lucky to have DP in her life too, but it might hurt dad if he thought she thought DP sane importance as him. DD shrugged and said she loves them both the same so she'll do what she wants. I've tried to encourage her not to, but I'm not going to push it anymore

My DD calls her step-dad 'Dad'. Entirely her choice but she sees her biological dad 4 days out of the month and hes not a very... hands on Dad? Hes not a terrible dad he just doesn't enjoy being a parent and sees her out of obligation. DH on the other hand adores being a Dad and gives her all the love/attention he can, so I think it was natural for her to change what she called him.

I'm going for no, if there's a real family bond with new parent it'd be nice if they had a new title "pops" for example. But mum and dad should be defined

Mine are age 9 and 11. They’ve been calling my fiancé daddy since they were little.

I left their birth father when the youngest was 4 weeks old and moved 200 miles away.

He visited once or twice a year for the first 2 years, staying for a week or more at a time.
Visits would only coincide with eBay items he wanted to collect nearby to me, or when his PC was broke and he wanted to use mine.
He wasn’t really interested in the kids. It was food, lodging, facilities. I always paid his entire fuel costs both ways.

He stopped all visits when I stopped paying his fuel cost, or allowing him to stay with us.
He never contacted the kids by phone, letter, anything. Never asked after them. He’s never financially provided for them, he said, ‘it’s the taxpayers job to pay for them now’ (because I left him and became a single parent).

I started dating someone new in 2012. By then the kids were baby and toddler age.
One started calling him daddy and I just let it flow. The other followed suit shortly after.

We have been living together a few years now and about to be married. The kids have been calling him daddy for several years now.
The youngest doesn’t remember his birth dad, the eldest does, but they’ve been witness to DV in their early days,

and he’s had police remove him in front of the kids when he tried to turn up at my partner’s home, so although theyre aware they have a birth dad (eldest does, youngest kind of denies it as he’s so bonded with my fiancé. Well, not deny, just won’t acknowledge), they never talk about him.

Myself, I lived with a stepdad from 18 months old, and my mother and he went on to have further kids. But I’ve never considered him stepdad or the sibs as step sibs, he’s just always been dad, even though my birth dad was on the scene (in as much as he’d visit on birthdays once a year).

So, because their birth dad is totally absent, I think it’s fine for them to call my fiancé daddy, especially as they’re conscious they have a birth father out there they can differentiate between the two.

Little kids will do want they feel comfortable doing. Fiancé is their dad in every way possible otherwise, and how they address him or perceive him is up to them.

If the children are old enough I'd have a family tree conversation. Mum and dad made you etc, mum is now married to x, she's not your mum is she, what would you like to call her?

I had a step dad and step mum from age 3 onwards. I ouved with my step dad most of the time and I tended to call him dad too. he raised me most of the week and my sisters called him dad so why shouldn't I get to? If i called him by his name or step dad it would always single me out as different.

I never called my step mum anything but her name though. Because I hated her.

I think you are right that your DP following DC’s lives on FB should stop - he is getting a version of their day to day life mediated by his ex and it is causing tensions not helping him with his relationship with DC.

I know you did not ask for advice on that, but it seems the best thing to do. It is her FB feed not a shared parent resource. So he needs some boundaries in place there. He could step up telephone or email contact, or try to get more face to face contact. 1.5 hours away is not that far.

I agree he is dad, and anything else is out of order, but if it is not coming from DC then he should try to ignore it, IMO

DPs sisters call his dad dad, he's not their dad and they've always seen their dad.

I don't think it matters so long all parties agree that it doesn't matter.

Really? I always called my stepdad "Dad" and was happy to because he was a much better dad than my actual one!

There's different circumstances and it's sometimes appropriate but it should always be child led rather than encouraged. Generally first name is normal these days from personal experience

I wouldn’t suggest it or encourage, but I wouldn’t stop them if the children wanted to.

I don’t think I’d be too bothered if my kids called their step mum “mum”, I’m secure in my relationship with them and I wouldn’t feel like I’m being made less important to them. I guess as the resident parent though it’s easier to feel that way.

Katara he tries for daily phone calls/facetime in between seeing them but these attempts are often not enabled by EXW.

She also makes spending time with him an option rather than a necessity to the DC. So she will say things like "Do you want to see your dad or would you rather "go do this awesome fun thing no child could say no to". He has travelled down there to see them for the whole day to be told on the doorstep that they stayed up late night before/have plans for later so can you just take them for lunch and then home.

She also makes plans for family trips away etc on what would be the DCs usual time with DP. Without any consultation/attempt at compromise.

My son calls his step dad ‘dad’ but that’s different he’s never known his biological father, well he flirted in and out before buggering off completely a few years ago and DS can’t stand him. The dad name being used with his step dad was an organic thing instigated by my son but again like I said that’s different.

With my step daughter she has a mum, a very present one and I would never encourage me being called mum at all, I think that’s very hurtful and disrespectful in all honesty. Also I would be very uncomfortable, we don’t have that kind of relationship anyway me and my step daughter but even if we did I would encourage the use of my name only.

Is there a court order in place? The circumstances you describe would warrant one. She is actively undermining DC’s relationship with their father, which prevents him exercising parental responsibilities. It sounds like the name is the least of the issues, but symptomatic of the whole thing.

No. But also not a good idea to protest to the child or they'll feel bad about it.

I speak from experience!

Sucks but not such s big deal if involvement is maintained.

Having said that a relative of mine calls both dad and stepdad "dad" and everyone just accepts it. I guess it depends on personal feelings

In our case it went alongside lots of alienation and fight picking so was not the right thing at all.

No

At 8 and 10 the choice should be the DCs.

I have a DM and step DF, a DF and step DM. I call My step DF by his name and step DM by her name. Step DF feels very much like a real DF as he and DM have been together 30 years, since I was 9. But, my real DF has always been a part of my life so it wouldn’t feel right to call my step DF dad. He knows I think of him as a DF though and my children do call him grandad.

motortroll DP would never address this with the DC. He is ultimately glad that they have a caring, involved stepdad who loves them.

But it hurts him hugely that his ex has encouraged the DC to see him as little more than an optional extra.

Someone said upthread about this behaviour stemming from the need to be seen as a perfect family. This is strong with EXW. Her whole online presence is an onslaught of how perfect her family/life is.

Protest too much yada yada yada...............

I am actually in that situation- my mum remarried and asked me to start calling my step dad ‘dad’. I still call him that now at 31. I grew up with him and he is a father to me. I still also have a good relationship with my dad though, who is my best friend.
I’m not confused by it and never was, however, I wouldn’t actively encourage it as my mum did, as my relationship with my step dad is no better or worse for it and I think she did it to upset my dad.

My children have their 'dad' (biological father) and their Papa (French for Dad).

No.

I was that child. I now have no contact with my biological father. I saw my step father as my father for 30 years of the marriage but my mother and step father have since divorced. And I also now have limited contact with him. It was very confusing and stressful for me at 6 years old trying not to offend either 'father' by calling the other one Daddy in conversation about them. So now I have no father at all and it's actually quite sad when you think about it.

Nope not ok. Dh is called by his first name as am I.

It would actually make me uncomfortable if my stepnchildren called my mum. They have their mum.

I think it's absolutely fine if a child only has one parent and a new relationship begins and over time, that person is called 'mum or dad'.

But if both parents are involved then no. This is what I dread about my own dcs and ex's latest partner.

DP is dad to my 9yo, he delivered DD, her BD wanted nothing to do with her. He decided at 4 weeks old he did want to see her, one night a fortnight. He doesn't contact in between, he's done nothing for that girl at all. She calls DP dad, and her BD dad too (most of the time - sometimes it's just his name)

No, not ok! My son's father and I both have new partners who our son calls by first name. He knows who they are and that they are mummy and daddy's girlfriend/boyfriend but I don't think he would ever even think to call them Mum or Dad. When referring to them to others in future he may say step mum and step dad but even then I dont think he'd actually call them that, it's just weird