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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is it ever justified for a parent to do this?

175 replies

ChateauneufDuTwat · 13/04/2019 18:31

Apologies in advance for frustrating vagueness as I just want a subjective answer to the question rather than a full analysis of the situation.

Q. Is it ever ok for a divorced parent to actively encourage/allow their children to call their new spouse (not their DC's parent) 'Mum/Dad' when said parent of DC is still 100% on the scene and involved in DCs lives?

DC are 10 and 8. Step-parent has been in their lives for 5 years.

It's not Daddy for actual parent and DaddyFred for step-parent btw but Dad for both. Or Mum.

OP posts:
Alaria44 · 13/04/2019 21:29

Reading your updates - I'm not sure that's OK. It is the mother that is pushing that by the sounds of things.

From personal experience, my DC2 refers to my partner as "dad, dad/name or step dad" which is always entirely his choice. For context, his bio dad was abusive (to him may I add) and not involved plus I have 2 children by my partner. my DS used to feel really upset and left out that he didn't have a "dad" but also knows he does have a bio dad.

I would never post on social media about it all though or even really bring it up in conversation, other than now Grin

Original poster
ChateauneufDuTwat · 13/04/2019 21:30

Pepsi 😞

Smarshian I am encouraged reading your post as I firmly believe oldest DD is the same as you were. She is smart and insightful and knows the score. Youngest DD who was very little when DP left is the one who calls stepdad 'Dad' most and that's understandable given her age but I do still believe EXW should have been more clear about names/boundaries etc.

OP posts:
leesylou · 13/04/2019 21:31

Having read your updates I feel for your DP.

My step DF has 2 DCs from first marriage. His EXW was very bitter. Step DF saw his DCs regularly at first, but when he moved in with us the contact reduced, reduced, reduced, to the point he was paying CMS but getting no real contact with them. They were always busy, had something else planned etc etc.

We all think she was putting down the poison, so to speak. They are both adults, in their 40s, with their own kids now. His DS wants nothing to do with him and his DD only gets in touch if she wants something. They honestly don’t know what sort of a man they have turned their backs on. He’s the nicest, most down to earth man you could ever wish to meet. My DCs idolise him.

The only thing your DP can do really is apply for more access through the courts.

Hope it all works out for you all.

Lockedoutofoldaccount · 13/04/2019 21:32

No it isnt acceptable, and I say this as a child who was brought up calling my step-dad Dad.

It caused a lot of hurt for my biological Dad, who was a fantastic father and who I saw every weekend. I look back now and feel awful about it, which is silly because I was only young at the time. Its especially awful as the step-dad turned into a right bastard who put my Mum through years of hell and we dont have any contact now.

Princess1066 · 13/04/2019 21:34

No no no

After my father died my mum began a new relationship - far too soon but that's a other story Sad

Her new live in "partner" (they never married) wanted me to call him Dad after a couple of years but I refused and so he was always called "Uncle xxxxx"

This was in the 70s and not easy to explain as a child in those days Angry

Dippypippy1980 · 13/04/2019 21:41

My daughter wil, never call my boyfriend dad -because she has a dad, and he will always be her dad.

I would not tolerate my ex encouraging my daughter to call anyone other than me mum. She has one mum and one dad. My boyifriemd loves her, she is in his will, and he would move heaven and earth for her, but he knows he isn’t her dad.

Thehop · 13/04/2019 21:42

No

Rosesaredead · 14/04/2019 02:51

No.

Ella1980 · 14/04/2019 03:58

My ex shares custody with me for our two boys 50:50. They refer to my fiance by his first name, the thought of calling him anything else has never even crossed my mind. I hate my ex with a passion but he will always be the boys' dad.
My fiance referred to my youngest as his stepson today and I felt so proud! He's never had any biolgical children (despite wanting them for many, many years) so to have my two in his life makes us both very happy ☺

Knittinglikemad · 14/04/2019 05:06

When my husband came into our lives, he said to my girls (12, 11 & 9) that he wasn’t there to replace their dad & to call him by his name just. They often referred to him as their other dad when talking to people, but he had a fab relationship with them. Even at my eldest’s wedding, her & her dad fell out 6wks before, she told him he wasn’t welcome. My DH was asked to do the father of the bride speech, but he said that he would do it, but wanted to be announced as her step father as he didn’t want to let people think he was just assuming the fathers role. My step daughter calls my by my name, she is 6yrs older than my eldest & occasionally will call me mam. We don’t refer to the kids as step children, we say we have 4 daughters & are grandparents to 4 wonderful grandkids that just know us as grandpa & grandma.

mathanxiety · 14/04/2019 06:30

ChateauneufDuTwat

Family mediation would be a very good idea here www.nfm.org.uk/ but if the exW won't participate, then I suggest your DP gets a solicitor and petitions the family court for a visitation schedule which should include holiday time with the DCs, what happens on DCs' birthdays, parties, special events like religious celebrations (if relevant), sports events, recitals, school plays, school reports for both parents sent directly from the school, and for guaranteed phone contact within reason.

What you are describing smacks of parental alienation. In particular, presenting the children with a choice between a visit with dad and some alternative treat is below the belt.

He should be allowed any phone contact he wishes (as long as this doesn't interfere with family dinners, homework, scheduled activities). A call in the evening to say how did your day go, and goodnight, is perfectly reasonable. If children are in the bath or otherwise busy when he calls, they should be allowed to call him back. If the phone number at which he calls them changes, he should be told the new number as soon as it is operational.

When the DCs get older they may get their own phones and he should be given their numbers and allowed to contact them at those numbers.

Nairobe · 14/04/2019 07:56

Sounds like you need to go to court to get firm arrangements in place. Would your dp want 50/50?

No it's not appropriate. She's phasing 'daddy' out to replace by her substitute. Which could well happen again with another if this new relationship fails.

thegreylady · 14/04/2019 08:19

In our blended family (for 30 years) the step parent is referred to by their first name but dh and I say we have 5dc.

MrDarcey · 14/04/2019 10:05

There is a difference between encouraging and allowing.

This.

In my experience with blended families, the children want to do this.

whatwouldyoubelikeat28 · 14/04/2019 13:28

I know the thread has moved on a bit, but I think it is culturally quite white to have 'only' one 'mum'. I have just one mum, but I have several women I would call mum or aunty who aren't relatives, just people I treasure. I'm pretty much white too but many of my friends have diverse cultural families and it is common to use familial terms for extended family and friends, such as sister, sissy, uncles, pa, pop and so forth. They almost become terms of respect and affection. I still know who my parents are! I am just fortunate and blessed to have so many others I admire, who care for me. Extended family is the best, even if its make-your-own Smile

PinkCrayon · 14/04/2019 13:37

No.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 14/04/2019 13:49

No it's not appropriate to push and it's not appropriate to manipulate.

I am a firm believer in adult name for step parent. I honestly believe mum and dad should always be reserved for the biological parent , there some genuine evidence for the benefit for socialisation and identity to protect those terms.

However I will fully admit I was arrogantly vocal about this before I became part of a blended family.

Dp is referred to by his name by the DC as he should be but my DC are quite young and the words mum and dad come easier so on occasion they forget.

Dp is resident and is a main carer , he does all the parent stuff..taking care of illness , taking to school ,making school costumes etc. They have both on occasion forgotten and when they have they stop and look at us ...its very hard then to correct them and upset them ...they see DP as a father figure ...not their father...they see him regularly and have a great relationship.

When it started happening we talked to Exdh and discussed it.

Obviously Exdh wasn't thrilled but we all agreed not to make a huge deal if they slipped . We all call DP his name and none of us encourage it but depending on the scenario we judge whether to correct if they slip and call him dad.

Im hinestly not remotely sure we get it right or do this right but it seems to work for all of us.

So no I don't think it should ever be pushed and encouraged but I am realistic and adult enough now to understand that it's just not always cut and dried.

Jessie94 · 14/04/2019 17:25

Yes of course that's ok!
As long as the child is happy with it.

My 3 year old calls my partner daddy (not his dad). I wasn't expecting it and use my partners first name always, but it's lovely that he feels comfortable enough to call him that.
He knows he has another 'proper' daddy, but between the two he seems my partner more often.

I also call my step mum 'mum' quite often.
It's about love and comfort.

celticprincess · 14/04/2019 17:28

I don’t like the idea of my kids calling their dad’s partner mum. They don’t. But they do buy her gifts with step-mum on even though they aren’t married. They call her by her name but often refer to her as step mum. The other confusing thing for their family is that their half sibling started to call me mum and her own mum by name. This was because daddy refers to me as mummy around my children and my children use the name for step mum. The half sibling doesn’t often hear her being referred to as mummy. It became quite embarrassing for a while but as she’s got older she’s beginning to understand more.

Luluinkent · 14/04/2019 17:30

I'm a step mum...but I have never, nor would want the kids to call me mum! They call me by my name. They have an amazing mum. I'm a good step parent but I'm.not their mum so dont expect them to see me as that or call me that! Simple really...

Womble351 · 14/04/2019 17:34

No no no no no
My kids called there step parent mum and it was so upsetting my own step kids call me by my name

Mamabearx4 · 14/04/2019 17:45

It should never be dictated by a parent, of the child wants to then that's fine

I'm a step mum to a teen who I've known since she was 2, lives with me fulltime. I do everything a "mum" would do same as my own children. But I am not her mum and I have never asked to be called mum, she calls by my first name and we are about as close as a step relationship can get. My husband is step dad to my eldest, again he refers to him by his name despite living with him for 10 + years.

Ladylisa · 14/04/2019 17:46

My stepdad has been in my life all my life, i didn’t live with my mother and he, I had regular contact and I started calling him dad when I was 7, I adore the very bones of him. I met My biological father when I was 11 (mother is an arsehole oddly) and after 2-3 years I called him dad too, he knows how much I love stepdad and I call him dad. In fact I can’t stand my mother but I adore my stepdad, bio dad I love too, they are very different men and I love them both for what they bring to the table
The child should not be forced to call step parents anything they aren’t comfortable with

LilQueenie · 14/04/2019 17:46

depends on all involved. Some may be ok with it some not. In the end it is how the child feels that ultimately matters. Both parent should also be in agreement.

lily2403 · 14/04/2019 17:51

For me it’s not ok