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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it ever justified for a parent to do this?

175 replies

ChateauneufDuTwat · 13/04/2019 18:31

Apologies in advance for frustrating vagueness as I just want a subjective answer to the question rather than a full analysis of the situation.

Q. Is it ever ok for a divorced parent to actively encourage/allow their children to call their new spouse (not their DC's parent) 'Mum/Dad' when said parent of DC is still 100% on the scene and involved in DCs lives?

DC are 10 and 8. Step-parent has been in their lives for 5 years.

It's not Daddy for actual parent and DaddyFred for step-parent btw but Dad for both. Or Mum.

OP posts:

Ilovemuesli · 13/04/2019 19:21

Could have posted this thread myself!
My partner's step-child, who he has brought up since birth called him Daddy, up until DP's ex-wife found herself a new chap, now SC calls my DP by his first name and has been instructed to do so/told off & punished with naughty step (apparently) if SC makes a mistake and calls DP Daddy instead of the new boyfriend
My DP's child with his ex-wife? Has been encouraged to call ex wife's partner "Daddy"

Makes my blood boil every time I hear the child referring to the boyfriend as Daddy. He's not your dad. (He's the opposite of what I'd class as a decent father)
I don't insist on DP's children calling me "Mum", as I am not their Mum. I would never try and take their Mum's place, ever.

user1468348545 · 13/04/2019 19:25

I call my step dad dad and my biological dad dad. It was a choice though from a young age, never encouraged or suggested by anyone. It was a natural thing to do. So it really depends.

I don't agree with children being told or encouraged to but wouldn't tell them they can't. My son calls my partner dad more often than not now. I think it should be down to the child and whatever they want to do.

Original poster

ChateauneufDuTwat · 13/04/2019 19:27

Thanks everyone. I was aiming for that rare beast, a unanimous AIBU but a strong majority will suffice.

Just for transparency, it's not my DC involved but DPs. I'm not on social media so don't see any of this and as they're not my DC I try and respectfully stay out of it while supporting him (we don't live together yet) but DP is absolutely devastated by the most recent FB posts. I've suggested not being FB friends with her but he feels he would miss out on seeing the DCs lives and he already doesn't see as much of them as he would like (she moved 1.5 hours away with DC after their split).

DPs kids call me by my name. As others have said, if they ever did call me 'Mum' I would gently but adamantly suggest an alternative. I'm not their mum.

My DC's dad has a partner. They call her Beryl not literally of course. . If they called her Mum/Mummy I think my heart would physically break 😟. I admire those of you who could rise above it but I genuinely couldn't. I'm their mum. No-one else gets that name.

It's about respect and boundaries.

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/04/2019 19:30

This is all about what the parent wants. Hang the child. I’d be disgusted.

ilovemuesli
That is awful. Poor child and all for the parents ego.

PlumPorter · 13/04/2019 19:32

I don't think it's ever justified no.

Where the absent parent isn't, has never been and is never likely to be on the scene. And where the step parent has made a commitment to raise the child, I think it's fine.

My eldest is 20 and has been raised from 15 months old by his step father. He didn't call him "daddy" until he was nearly 5 and had started school. He wanted a "daddy" and he wanted to know who his daddy was and who to talk about when the other children at school asked what his daddy did etc.

We had a chat about it, and 6 weeks later, he started calling his step dad "daddy".

We separated when my son was 12 and he paid maintenance and had weekly contact with my eldest, just as he does with my youngest, until he was 18. My eldest is now 20 and has a good father/son relationship with his "daddy" and continues to have a good relationhip, independently of his dad, with his extended step family too. None of them have ever treated either of the children differently and his parents have been better grandparents to him than my parents ever were.

He has never met his father - his father's choice.

I have little time for my exh in many respects, but I will not allow anyone to suggest that he is not my child's "dad".

TheHorseOnSeventhAvenue · 13/04/2019 19:34

I don’t think it’s ever justified to encourage it - have been a step-mum myself but was not mum.

I’m sure it’s unPC of me but I did ask a colleague in same sex relationship whether both are called mum. In this case one is mum and one mamma - not interested in who biologically gave birth, both are the child’s mother but was wondering about the complications of calling both mum.

So beyond the they are not your mum or dad, people can be significant in your life but do not confuse a kid by calling two people mum or dad.

TriarFuck · 13/04/2019 19:36

No, not ok. I have several friends with enormously successful blended families - and there isn't a single one where the subsequent partner is referred to as "Mum" or "Dad". They are referred to by their first names. In all cases, the DC do see the new partners as quasi-parents, but the names Mum and Dad are reserved for the biological parents.

Original poster

ChateauneufDuTwat · 13/04/2019 19:37

Plum your ex and his family sound like good people. I totally agree that he deserves the title of Dad.

muesli that's fucking horrendous behaviour bordering on psychological abuse, to punish a child for not calling the new boyfriend Daddy? Jesus wept 😢

OP posts:

RandomMess · 13/04/2019 19:38

Sorry I disagree, Mum and Dad are just a label, they don't denote how much you love someone or what they mean to you.

It is 100% wrong to encourage it but when initiated by the child it's okay to allow because it's likely they want a "normal" family set up.

Tonightstheteriyakichicken · 13/04/2019 19:39

Another no here, no experience but seems wrong.

dartitus · 13/04/2019 19:43

I’m a step mum and would never in a million dreams let my partner encourage his son to call me mum and I would never let it happen as my step son is very much in his mums life and she’s a great mum, I also know it would break her heart if he called me mum. As much as I am actively involved in my step-sons life and I love him very much, he is not my son and I am not his mother, I’m just the cool step-mum 😎

SofaSurfer20 · 13/04/2019 19:45

Only way id be ok with that if the bio dad wasnt on the scene at all. That way it's understandable

Carpetburns · 13/04/2019 19:46

My DN's father is from a different country so DN calls him Papa. His mother has remarried and has a step son (who calls his dad, Dad). DN has been with living with his mum, step dad and step brother for as long as he could remember and started calling his step dad, Dad (not encouraged but because he heard his step brother constantly refer to him as that so copied). Fortunately his real dad is Papa so it wasn't such an issue but I know the mother was very anxious about it when DN started to call step dad, Dad. It can't really be helped in these cases.

agnurse · 13/04/2019 19:46

Encourage or require, no. Allow, yes, if that's what the child wants.

My DSD calls me Mom. That was her choice. I never mandated it. Hubby told me before we married that she planned to call me Mommy after we got married.

Sawyershair · 13/04/2019 19:49

Nooooooo

My DC have a lovely step mum who’s been in their life for years. They wouldn’t dream of calling her mum

Fruitsaladjelly · 13/04/2019 19:52

No. Fine if the real parent is absent, but over stepping the mark otherwise. Clearly done out of spite, their mother is not prioritising her dc by using them as weapons.

TheGoalIsToStayOutOfTheHole · 13/04/2019 19:52

Oh no, this is awful IMO.

DSD went through a stage when she was about 3 or calling me mam. Noone encouraged it, and it did stop, but I was very concerned about how her mother felt about it..even though she said it didn't bother her (It didn't help that at the same time, she was going through a phase of sometimes calling her mum by her real name) she looked very gutted about it. Cannot imagine encouraging that at all.

CarmineStarman · 13/04/2019 19:54

My step DC generally call me mum but it's not something that DP or I have mandated or pressured in any way. However, their own mother isn't part of their lives (her choice) so the situation is different.
I was quite surprised when it first happened, especially with the elder two who were old enough to understand what was going on. The situation you describe OP, doesn't sound okay.

iolaus · 13/04/2019 19:55

I don't think it should be encouraged - but I'd allow it if the child started it (but would give the other parent a heads up) - I suspect it's more likely to occur when there is a new half sibling around and they get used to hearing the step parent being referred to as dad/mum

All that said I think it would sting like crazy to hear one of my kids call someone else mum

itbemay1 · 13/04/2019 19:56

My dsd calls me by my first name

Yabbers · 13/04/2019 19:57

I’m pretty laid back with these sorts of things. I wouldn’t be bothered about DD having a wonderful relationship with a step parent. But I would draw the line at her being called mummy. That’s me. No-one else.

Lizzie48 · 13/04/2019 20:02

My DSis has a DSS, who was 9 when she came into his life. She has 3 DC of her own, who obviously call her 'Mummy' and she was the primary carer for DSS during his teen years. He's now all grown up and is married with 2 DC of his own, who DSis sees as her DGC. She's also always loved him the same as her own DC.

But he's always called her by her first name and she would never countenance anything else.

So I would say no, I can't see any circumstances in which it would be right to address stepparents 'Mum' or 'Dad' if the biological parents are still part of children's lives.

MarieMorgan · 13/04/2019 20:07

My dd calls both her dad's dad (her choice). It does cause confusion sometimes but she always knows who she is talking about! When she got married both dad's walked her down the aisle. I have so much respect for her dad's that they let my daughter do what felt right for her.

Junkmail · 13/04/2019 20:10

It was actually my step son who asked if he could call me mum after I married his dad and I said no. I wasn’t trying to be mean but he has a mum who has him the majority of the time and I don’t want children of my own so it felt very uncomfortable for me and I thought it would be incredibly awkward if his mother found out that’s what he calls me as I in NO way want to take her place or tread on her toes. I personally think it’s inappropriate.

Original poster

ChateauneufDuTwat · 13/04/2019 20:11

MarieMorgan "When she got married both dad's walked her down the aisle."

This is already something that gives DP anxiety despite his DC's young ages as he feels that if EXW has her way (which she usually does) he'll be sidelined in favour of Stepdad. Which understandably breaks his heart.

OP posts:

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