To expect people to teach their children not to stare?

[hennaoj]

I'm fed up of adults letting their children stare at my Autstic 5 year old. When I was a child I was taught not to stare at disabled chidlren/people. He is tall for his age (wears age 7 clothing) and rather conspicuous in his special needs buggy or when he is stood around being him. He hates being stared at and it actually makes him more violent.

I've also had children insist on coming up close to him after being told not to by me and getting upset when he kicks out.

You have to bare in mind that some of the starers may have difficulties of there own and young ( pre school) age children do stare at things. If it's an NT 8 year old then you are not being unreasonable especially when combined with sniggering and whispering.

My autistic kids stare at things they haven’t come across before and can be very, very literal.

It’s a long process to teach them the requisite social skills.

My 8 year old daughter has autism. She often stares at others when we’re out and about. I have spoken to her about this often, but she still does it. She is quick to shout and point if someone is staring at her because she hates it, but she will stare at other people and she doesn’t get that it’s the same thing!

That’s so funny Pluto. Ds has always been the same. Wants allOwances made for his asd but can’t see that he needs to make allowances for others SEN.

I don’t mind children staring (although Ds hates anyone even glancing at him) they are still learning about the world around them and trying to take it the world around them. Just like I don’t mind them asking questions if they are curious - again that’s how they will learn.

Adults on the other hand....

It must be annoying but seriously 🤦🏽‍♀️

People letting their young child pester your child when it is obvious your child doesn't want it or you have told them not to, are very inconsiderate. We've had this and have had the horrified looks when ds starts hitting and biting himself or kicking out.

Op it must be hard and I'd find it difficult to ask what they are looking at.

Recently I caught my 7 yo DS staring at a child in a large buggy, I did let it go on for a few seconds because I wanted to know what his thoughts were iyswim so I could handle it. He then walked up to this kid and asked where his hat was from because he thought it was "awesome" and I felt about 2cm tall at my own assumption that he was staring for any other reason.

He hates it though. I can put up with it but he can't. It's no good trying to get him involved with the staring children as he's stressed enough at that point and will hit and kick. He's actually stronger and heavier than his 8 year old brother. I don't understand why the parents (who are stood next to the said children or sat near them) let them carry on doing it.

It's a tricky one because I feel the same as you! I have a severely autistic 7 year old that is so severe she wouldn't even realise people were staring (I don't like it however!) but she has a habit of staring herself. She doesn't understand if I say "don't stare" so I have to move her away if possible, if the person she is staring at appears uncomfortable! I try to do my best YANBU, NT children over toddler age should really be encouraged not to stare! It's not difficult!

Actually your post has just made me think of myself. There was a little lad in Aldi last night with his mum, he had a little soft shell helmet on and was plainly being a monkey for his mum but he made me laugh because he was just very sweet. It's just dawned on me that I hope his mum didn't think I was staring :(

How do you know they don't have asd too. You wouldn't be able to tell my dd is autistic, she does stare though has learned no to

The kids staring might have issues of their own.

I don't understand why the parents (who are stood next to the said children or sat near them) let them carry on doing it

Agree that parents should be teaching their kids not to stare. But telling a child not to stare when they are in the act of staring tends to make things worse - "But Mummy, WHY does that boy look funny?" or whatever, at top volume (not saying your DS looks funny, OP, just as an example from painful experience ). The poor person being stared at by your child then gets stared at by everyone else within earshot. It's often safer to have the conversation about not staring. afterwards.

It’s possible that some of the kids op encounters have autism but it’s unlikely it’s every single one, isn’t it?

me it’s still not considered polite to stare, even if it’s a ‘positive’ reason.

YANBU op. I think a second glance has to be expected. But continued and repeated gawping over an extended period of time - completely unacceptable. And the parents who say absolutely nothing.
On the other hand, I don't mind questions in general. I'm happy to try to explain my daughters disability.

You cannot always tell when a child is autistic and some children may stare because they are also autistic and cannot easily understand the problem with staring. I imagine their parents dont want to be telling them off constantly over something they cannot really process.
Also there are cultural differences. In many countries and cultures it's perfectly fine to state. In France for example, adult people will openly stare at you because theres not such a taboo about it, it's not necessarily seen as negative.

If the staring is accompanied by whispering or smirking I agree that is very rude and should always be stopped and called out.

But if it's just kids looking out of curiosity then it's not necessarily negative. I'm not sure it's something that can be put a stop to... I mean sometimes those kids might want to make friends with him etc...
Why is it that your son sees it as so negative? Are you able to get him to see that those kids looking at him arent always being nasty or judging him?

It's a difficult one. Maybe if your son is really getting upset then try having a word with the parents of the children about how your son is affected by being stared at.
I'm not sure it's always something parents are going to think is rude in itself iyswim, so I think many parents may not automatically stop their children from looking for various reasons.

The kids staring might have issues of their own
Then 95% of kids have “issues of their own” because that’s the percentage of children who stare.

Having been around all sorts of children for many years and seen them staring, it’s actually pretty easy to tell the ones who are staring rudely and staring because of ASD. It’s all about how they do it. The other thing is, parents with children with ASD are always so painfully aware of how their children are in public and are on alert for these kinds of behaviours. Contrary to popular belief they don’t just let their child be disruptive or rude and think to themselves, it is ok, they have X, Y or Z. Those parents are far more likely to step in and guide them away.

How I deal with starers depends on my mood. Most often I physically put myself between them and DD. If I’m feeling pissy, I’ll just growl “don’t stare” at them. On my best days I’ll ask them “do you have a question for me?”

I saw something the other day that said to change “don’t stare” to “say hello” I can understand the sentiment but I wouldn’t do this. DD doesn’t want to make nice with every random starer and engage in conversation with strangers, often about her own medical history, to make them feel more comfortable around her. She’s 9, that’s not her job.

Like any other kid, she has been curious when she sees things she hasn’t seen before, but a quick reminder not to stare and to ask me any questions she likes does the trick. My issue is rarely with the staring child, it is always with the ignorant parents who think “It must be annoying, but seriously?” or those who are so engrossed in something else they don’t even notice what their kids are doing.

I'm not sure it's always something parents are going to think is rude in itself iyswim, so I think many parents may not automatically stop their children from looking for various reasons.

It isn’t my job to raise someone else’s children. Is there any adult out there who doesn’t understand it is rude to stare? Ignorance isn’t an excuse for rude behaviour.

The approaching thing isn't on, especially if they've been told not to.

I understand what you are saying about staring and it must be tough if your son finds it so difficult. I'm not sure there is much a parent can do thoigh. The only time you can teach a child not to stare is by correcting them when you catch them doing it. It's not like it's a pre-emptive thing.

Plus, I think sometimes adults feel awkward around people with additional needs and don't want to make a fuss about it.

It soubds tough. X

Why is it that your son sees it as so negative?

If an adult stared whenever they passed you in a supermarket, or stood for 5 minutes staring at you in the street, would you find that a positive experience? Why do children just have to accept it when their peers do the same?

My little boy wears cochlear implants and I often get bothered by children staring. Until I take him out not wearing them (I often take them off for the car and nip into the shop without them) and children still stare at him and he's not a bit different looking to any other child. It made me realise that children just stare at each other, it's what they do. He stares at other people too 🤷🏻‍♀️

Plus, I think sometimes adults feel awkward around people with additional needs and don't want to make a fuss about it.

You don’t need to make a fuss. Your child stares, you say their name and call them to you. Once you’ve moved on, you remind them they were staring and it’s rude. Really simple.

I have a very inquisitive 5 year old who does stare sometimes and completely switches off from me. This isn’t just at children with SEN, it could be at a child in a sparkly top she likes, or two people chatting and she’s trying to hear what they’re saying etc. I think this is pretty standard for most children her age. I do completely agree though, as after a few seconds I will tell her that it’s rude to stare, it irritates me when other people don’t feed this back to their kids. In your situation I would stare or smile back at them or perhaps ask if they have any questions?

My ds has complex special needs and massive public meltdowns. We are also different races and people comment on us all the time. When he melts down not only do people stare, they approach us "to help" causing him to be more violent, and on one occasion called the police thinking my dh was kidnapping him during a violent meltdown while trying to carry him out of a store. It is what it is. I have learned to tune everyone out and just focus on my ds. I assume those staring,"helping", or even calling the police are doing so because they are trying to do the right thing, or staring because it's a bloody big scene happening and I'd probably stare too if I didn't know better. All you can do is focus on your ds, and work with him on his reactions. Assume everyone is staring for good reasons themselves and it might make it easier to deal with.