To expect people to teach their children not to stare?

[hennaoj]

I'm fed up of adults letting their children stare at my Autstic 5 year old. When I was a child I was taught not to stare at disabled chidlren/people. He is tall for his age (wears age 7 clothing) and rather conspicuous in his special needs buggy or when he is stood around being him. He hates being stared at and it actually makes him more violent.

I've also had children insist on coming up close to him after being told not to by me and getting upset when he kicks out.

Young children stare, it seems to be what they do when something catches their eye or interests them. DD5 can be a bit of a starer and I pull her up on it but she’s learning herself and I’m guessing she won’t stop staring at people overnight.

I don’t think YABU, I get it’s annoying for you and your DS and if it’s winding him up too much I’d speak to the parents and ask them to stop their DC staring (that’s the other problem with it, you don’t always notice your child has been staring as they’re being quiet). If you spoke to me I’d apologise and move away rather than arguing.

I think it depends on age. My dd (4) stares, not being nasty or anything she's just very curious and learning about the world around her. Non of her friends or relatives or peers in nursery have additional needs (bar one autistic child in nursery who she only sees one morning pw) so she does get curious about people who are "different" and while I do guide her away i do take the opportunity to talk about how everyone is different and some people have additional needs. Kids stare though, even with coaching, I'll continue to ask my child not to but I think it's something she'll grow out of, she's only young

@hennaoj
Unfortunately even some adults stare at people they perceive as different it’s horrible though.

I knew a parent of a disabled baby who said: "I didn't mind children saying 'oh, look at that baby's big head!' What I did mind were the parents who then hissed 'SSSSSSSSSSHHHHHH!'."

@Sockwomble
I don’t think a small child deserves to be thumped for staring, both sets of parents need to take responsibility for their children.
You should encourage your child not to use violence.

YANBU. Some adults need to learn not to stare at other adults too, incidentally, and not people with SN.

Ghanagirl I think you will find I didn't say the child deserved to be thumped. I am blaming irresponsible parents who let there young children who are not able to respond to being told to go away, pester children who are giving clear body language that they want to be left alone.
It is not violence. It is very distressed behaviour from a profoundly disabled young person who is highly supervised and sitting minding his own business while the other parent smiles indulgently at their own child's social skills.

And it is not for staring but for getting right in their face and within lashing out distance.

My son randomly began discussing people born with no arms and no legs I got a bit tense thinking how it was best to frame it that it's not ok to stare and things like that (he has a few issues with social awareness) he went on to say it's so cool how fast this one girl could swim and have I seen the guy with the knives on his feet (blades he got confused) how he could run so fast and he wished he could run fast too he was so complimentary this child of mine has issues with running social awkwardness all sorts yet comes out with that 🤷‍♀️ kids stare but you dont know what goes on in there mind

My niece is autistic and stares/asks loud inappropriate questions. I explain to her that it makes people feel bad when other people stare at them etc. I do this in the moment, so the parents may hear me explaining this. Just because she is autistic doesn't mean I don't do it. In fact I spend more time on things like this because she finds social norms so tricky.

I know how OP feels because people stare when they see a 10yr old girl (said niece) having a massive meltdown. In a way it's worse because her disability is invisible and I get the "what a naughty child" comments

My 4year old is NT and also stares. I do the same for her, tell her it isn't ok. And pointing (the bastard pointing phase is upon us). I tell her to stop pointing as people don't like it. Yes it takes months/years to soak in for some kids. We can only do our best.

@Sockwomble and there is the issue. 'Knowledgable' people have provided you with mechanisms to help your child to live within society and yet you think your child thumping another is ok? You quote my post and yet your first section proves there is a way for your child not to hit others for staring? Perhaps follow your own advisers / education.

Adults shouldn’t be staring, older children and teens shouldn’t state, but I’m pretty sure that staring, and afkjng questions, is how younger children learn what’s appropriate/not. YABU. I get that it’s frustrating, but children look.that’s part of them making sense of the world. The adults with them should be addressing it, by either explaining why we don’t stare, and talking through the situation so they know for next time.

Marchitectmummy I am one of the knowledgeable people whereas as you clearly have no understanding of profound learning disability and autism.
I will not stop taking my child to cafes etc where he is sitting in a chair minding his own business because someone is not ensuring their own child's safety allowing their child to roam around unsupervised pestering people.
You may think people like my son shouldn't be out but that is not going to happen.

I don't actually mind children staring or asking questions ,my ds has severe autism and learning disabilities he's non verbal and does shout out unexpectedly it's the adults that do that I find incredibly rude I think with 're it's fairly obvious he has complex needs but it's when adults stare and make comments that upset me.

My child is part of society by the way. He doesn't need to be allowed to live within it. He is more actively supervised than any other child I see when we are out. It's a shame the irresponsible parents don't do the same.

Jesus Christ.

@Ghanagirl

God you sound totally clueless. Do you really think OP is just happily allowing her child to thump other kids? He has SN and will get incredibly distressed if approached and that was made clear. Any parents with half a brain cell would keep their kids away when it was clear their child was making him distressed.

I actually doubt many adults would like it if kids got really close to them in a cafe and started staring.

The adults with them should be addressing it, by either explaining why we don’t stare, and talking through the situation so they know for next time.

Errr that was exactly the point OP was making. She wasn't horrified kids were curious she was annoyed that the adults weren't addressing it.

@Marchitectmummy

You also sound clueless. If my child went up to a clearly distressed child with SN and got thumped I would consider it my fault 100% for failing to supervise my child. Just as I would consider it my fault if I allowed my child to wander into the road or I allowed it to approach a dog on who was walking on it's lead and it got nipped. Just because you're in public you don't have a right to invade other people's space. It is YOUR responsibility to make sure your child doesn't do this. It's not for OP or her son to avoid public places.

@Marchitectmummy

You're talking absolute rubbish and you come across as deeply unpleasant. Of course young children look and stare and it's our role as parents to correct them so they don't continue this inappropriate behaviour. AS for my child getting thumped it wouldn't happen because there is no way I would have allowed my child to invade the OP's son's personal space. OP said he was clearly distressed yet the parents allowed the child to approach her child making him more distressed.

I can't believe you think disabled children should be banned from cafes and other public places because other parents can't be bothered to supervise their children properly. Unbelievable.

Wow I can't believe all the ignorant people trying to tell OP how to deal with her disabled son as if she isn't going to have professionals around her who actually know what they're talking about to.

Disabled children aren't learning aids for NT kids. Their feelings matter and if they're uncomfortable interacting with your child they don't have to - you should teach your child to respect their boundaries. Of course your child might be curious but you quickly explain that it's not kind to stare and you stop them from approaching. I wouldn't let my child randomly start bothering anyone who was minding their own business in a cafe, let alone a disabled child who was clearly struggling.

Disabled people are part of society and shouldn't have to hide away.

@BottleOfJameson that is not what I am saying, I am saying that if what the other person states is true that child can not be controlled so can not mix. But frankly that is not reality other than children of parents who can not be bothered to teach their own child. Children are not always in the same location as their parents, nurseries and schools have a mix of children. There are methods which can be used to stop any child from thumping another.

@architectmummy

OP said the child can't cope with other kids getting in their face. They shouldn't have to. She didn't say her DS was in a soft play centre unsupervised he was in a cafe minding his own business.