To expect people to teach their children not to stare?

[hennaoj]

I'm fed up of adults letting their children stare at my Autstic 5 year old. When I was a child I was taught not to stare at disabled chidlren/people. He is tall for his age (wears age 7 clothing) and rather conspicuous in his special needs buggy or when he is stood around being him. He hates being stared at and it actually makes him more violent.

I've also had children insist on coming up close to him after being told not to by me and getting upset when he kicks out.

My little boy wears cochlear implants and I often get bothered by children staring

DD always spots children with them, she doesn’t stare as such but will always mention it to me. She saw a documentary about them once and think they are so cool and the tech is amazing so was a bit obsessed by them and loves to show off her knowledge about them to me. 😄

Ds was born with a facial disfigurement. When kids stared at him when he was a toddler, we always made a point of saying his mouth was broken when he was born, but the doctors are fixing it.

He followed on with this type of reaction himself, when he was old enough, and continues to do so. Although he did occasionally respond inappropriately at school, when other kids were cruel to him!

Little kids do stare when they see something different or interesting. I've never found it particularly offensive in a young child. I'd more worry that telling them not to look will cause them to avoid people with disabilities for fear of being rude. I'd rather they ask their questions and then stop staring because it's no longer something different to them.

But Mummy, WHY does that boy look funny?

We’ve had similar. What matters to me in that situation isn’t their question, kids say what they see and that will never change. What matters is your response, and it should always start with “they don’t look funny, they just...” .whether it’s has a birthmark, or need help walking, or their bones don’t work like yours or whatever.

Yabbers I just explained that it's actually not considered negative to stare in many parts of the world including most of Europe. Also in many African cultures it's not rude to stare. And even if you are born and raised in the UK different people still have different personal attitudes to what constitutes staring and what does not.... so whilst it isnt your job to educate other peoples children you may need to acknowledge that you might have different views about staring than those parents and if you really want to sort the situation you are going to have to make your views known rather than standing there getting angry waiting for them to somehow cotton on.

YANBU

Would drive me potty. Your son should not have to indulge the starers.

Because I don’t blink much and have a tendency to “switch off” my default face looks like I am staring. Really it’s anything but but I have to make a real effort at times not to seem like I am staring.

"me it’s still not considered polite to stare, even if it’s a ‘positive’ reason."

I'm well aware of that.

@Yabbers absolutely. I'm not disagreeing. I don't think I've ever been in the situation but I think I'd be quite conscious of makimg it into a bigger thing than it is. I'm ill and struggling to put it into words so apologies if I'm being clumsey.

I think if I were to shout "child number 1, stop staring and come here" I would be worried it would make the person he was staring at feel more self conscious, it would make him feel bad because he wouldn't mean any harm by it (I know that doesn't make it acceptable though), it would result in him saying "but I was only looking at that person's xxx" or the person would think I was calling my child away because I had an issue with them.

I could move my children away and talk to them quietly away from the person but then I don't think that would show the OP that I was teaching my children not to stare. All she would see is staring child then staring child walking with parent to the next aisle.

**The kids staring might have issues of their own
Then 95% of kids have “issues of their own” because that’s the percentage of children who stare.

I would say 100% of kids have there own issues don’t they. Along with 100% of adults?

Children stare because they are curious and inquisitive. It won't be just your child. And I know from experience that I will wait until I'm in private with my DD before I explain and help her learn and remember for next time

Little kids do stare when they see something different or interesting. I've never found it particularly offensive in a young child. I'd more worry that telling them not to look will cause them to avoid people with disabilities for fear of being rude

This. I would hate to see parents ushering their kids away from mine like mine is a leper to be avoided tbh.

YANBU.

I can remember moving here from a place with no multi cultural people. My then 5 year old stared at a man from China as she had never seen this before. Whilst quite understandable and only being 5 I saw it as a chance to talk about it and teach him not to stare.
It's the parents job to teach them this.
I'm so sorry you have to experience this.

I've known since I was about 3 not to stare. Do parents really not tell their kids to stop/move them away/distract them?

As the mother of three boys with special needs I understand OP. However (and ironically) my son with quite severe autism will stare. So I can hardly be upset at others when I know my son is doing the same to others too. He's adult now but would still stare and ask direct (if sometimes inappropriate) questions...but of course to him they are not inappropriate. Just as the staring isn't. However, if challenged, I will of course apologise/explain.

Most children do stare at everyone interesting. They're not being horrible, just looking. I have disabled parents and siblings I don't mind the staring. Its not horrible. Just looking. Smile at them next time bet they'll smile back.

Of course the parents should teach their children not to stare, but realistically a child that sees something different will be intrigued and will look, that is human nature.

Dd2 is missing a hand and I'd say adults stare and comment just as much.
It's the double take, go back, stare and then whisper that really upsets her, and I'd say far more often adults. Children might ask questions but usually they're quite reasonable, if boring.

It's the adults that get my DP. He has a double hair lip and the amount of adults that stare! He gets so annoyed. Kids, understandable, little kids I mean.

Completely agree with you OP. It's no where near as bad as the adults that stare though. People staring so hard that they don't even realise they are completely blocking the door I'm trying to get through, there's no excuse for that level of rudeness.

YANBU, but it's a long and difficult process. You can't be sure how many conversations the child's parent may have had with the child previously. It doesn't "take" straightaway, and some kids need a number of years to grasp the idea.

And as a PP said, one particular challenge is that parents can't really pull their child up effectively for staring at the moment they are doing it, because that will attract even more attention to the person being stared at. I have to distract my child at the moment she is staring, and then have the conversation later. You might well think I hadn't taught her not to stare.

I’m a bit of a mouthy margaret at times, I’m not rude but if a kids staring ill just ask them not to. If their parents won’t then I will, I taught my kids it’s rude to stare but okay to ask questions now my son is the first one to tell another child to stop being rude and staring lol

I don’t like telling children ‘don’t stare’ as it teaches them to look away.

I remember as a child, my Gran saying to me,’don’t stare at the poor man, he can’t help being like that’... I hadn’t noticed the man with disabilities and just happened to be looking in that direction and from that day on, I felt uncomfortable around people with obvious disabilities.

For that reason I’ve never said, don’t stare’. However, I wouldn’t allow them to do something that was obviously distressing anyone, disabled or not. I would distract and even say ‘the person isn’t enjoying having people around, let’s give him some space’.

Disclaimer: I have a child with high functioning autism.

Children will stare. They are learning about the world. Teaching and telling them not to stare won’t work when something catches their eye, they are inquisitive. They aren’t being rude. You could tell a young child a million times but you can’t control them staring.

One of mine hates being stared at. If someone looks at him he will make a fuss, this ensuring more people look.

He is also a starer. I am teaching him not to.

In your situation, I would remove him if I can and if I am not quick enough and he has to learn the hard way that staring gets you kicked it would be tough luck on Ds. ( He is a child who will not listen because he does not understand consequences and frequently learns the hard way by discovering the consequences for himself)

Autism sucks sometimes.