To expect people to teach their children not to stare?

[hennaoj]

I'm fed up of adults letting their children stare at my Autstic 5 year old. When I was a child I was taught not to stare at disabled chidlren/people. He is tall for his age (wears age 7 clothing) and rather conspicuous in his special needs buggy or when he is stood around being him. He hates being stared at and it actually makes him more violent.

I've also had children insist on coming up close to him after being told not to by me and getting upset when he kicks out.

My 6 year old wouldn't stare at someone different, though may ask later. But 3 year old wouldn't know not to, hasn't developed those social skills yet. However, if she was starring I'd try to distract her.

NB: I'm visually impaired so am different and have stared myself. Sometimes stares are confusion, not dislike or anything negative.

I noticed both of mine staring at other children the other day, they wanted to play.

The youngest has asd and hates people staring at him but sometimes does it himself, not usually due to another persons noticeable disability or anything, he’s just off in his own world

If they don't look like they're hassled/in a rush then say 'why don't we ask them?', approach them and say hello, DD wanted
to meet you and ask what it's like to use a wheelchair if you don't mind? Some parents mind take exception but most will be used to it and will welcome the chance to educate.

You are clearly more tolerant than I am, although TBF I am not in this position, so I can only begin to imagine being approached by strangers and asked about my medical conditions to fulfil the curiosity of a small child (and, being realistic, the parents) - it fills me with horror and I don't think I'd be as tolerant as you are!

And doesn't it make your child feel like a 'learning opportunity' rather than a person who just wants to get on with their day? Again, I've no experience of it personally, but these are the reasons I wouldn't feel comfortable approaching a child in these circumstances so my children just get a quick explanation about how everyone is different and moved along swiftly!

Agh - bold fail! The above was @keepforgettingmyusername.

Guide dogs do great work with public awareness. It’s brilliant how recogniseable they are. Except when you have a list of shit to do and every child in a five mile radius has had a visit from guide dogs. Also listing everything you know about blind people is great.
But it’s made me completely immune to other people’s disabilities, like not in a woke way, in a i said to wheelchair user “you head up [the stairs] I’m waiting for my son”. I’m probably the subject of a thread somewhere.

If they don't look like they're hassled/in a rush then say 'why don't we ask them?', approach them and say hello, DD wanted to meet you and ask what it's like to use a wheelchair if you don't mind?

Blimey, I get that you're coming from a good place with that post but I really would never do that to any stranger.

Not everyone wants to talk to strangers about general things, let alone something so personal.

'And doesn't it make your child feel like a 'learning opportunity' rather than a person who just wants to get on with their day?'

No, I think the more people I educate on his disability the fewer people he will have to explain himself to in future. Bit fucked off that you thing I'd let other people treat my son like a learning opportunity tbh.

'Again, I've no experience of it personally, but these are the reasons I wouldn't feel comfortable approaching a child in these circumstances so my children just get a quick explanation about how everyone is different and moved along swiftly!'

Steering your children away from a disabled child does nobody any favours except yourself.

From what age? My dc is 2.5 and he recently embarassed me for the first time by shouting loudly at a child in a wheelchair to 'stop screaming' as that's what I say to him and his brother when they get stuck in a scream loop (he and 10 month old dc2 take it in turns to scream at each other for fun). He didn't understand and just ignored all of my distraction techniques.

I am autistic and for as long as I can remember I have had episodes where I will kind of drift off into my own world. When this happens people will often accuse me of staring at them and being creepy . I honestly don't realise I am staring at people though. I am really am in a world of my own when it happens.

I hope I have never done this around people with AN and those with disabilities because I would hate to think that people think I am looking at them .

Oh and if you catch me staring at you then you can tell me politely to stop. Just don't call me creepy.

'Blimey, I get that you're coming from a good place with that post but I really would never do that to any stranger.

Not everyone wants to talk to strangers about general things, let alone something so personal.'

No, not everyone does, but most parents welcome another child who wants to make friends with their child. Their child's disability isn't a shameful secret to be hidden, it isn't taboo to them, it's usually fairly obvious and something they're happy to discuss so that the next time their child meets the child doing the asking they can just get on with being friends and playing rather than everyone acting like there's some terrible secret and the parents avoiding the family with the disabled child in case their child might say something.

It is entirely in my child's interest that I encourage discussion, I assure you.

Steering your children away from a disabled child does nobody any favours except yourself.

Well you say that but a PP has said she'd rather people did just that.

"You can choose to remind them later not to do it, or not, just get them out of DD’s face, that’s all I need."

Does that sound like someone who wants a Q&A session on her child's disability?

Everyone is different so I think it's best not to assume everyone is ok with the same conversations.

X posted keepforgettingmyusername but I think that's just made what I'm saying all the more relevant.

Ok then. Obviously my parenting approach is all wrong.

No it's not wrong, it's just different to some other people's.

That's the difficult thing with strangers. There's no way of knowing what's ok with some people and definitely not ok with others.

Bit fucked off that you thing I'd let other people treat my son like a learning opportunity tbh.

Sorry - I meant I would feel awkward, as though I was using someone else's child as a learning opportunity for my children and would be worried that it would come across like that to the child in question rather than a genuine attempt to make friends, but I was talking about one-off meetings rather than situations where they are likely to spend some time with one another which does make a difference.

I am impressed with you and your son's attitude and generosity, but I am probably over-cautious of assuming that it's shared by others and would probably not want to risk coming across as expecting to be privy to the details of someone's life just because they look different. Apologies for the implication - it certainly wasn't my intention.

Steering your children away from a disabled child does nobody any favours except yourself.

I'm not sure it does me any favours - I can easily tie myself in knots trying to do the 'right' thing, and as this thread demonstrates, there are as many 'right things' as there are people, so I tend to err on the side of imposing less on others where possible. As I say, I was talking about just spotting someone on a bus or similar where there is no real expectation of social interaction - I am a lot more pragmatic with people we see regularly where understanding will benefit both parties!

I have a very strong memory as a child of being in a public swimming pool and seeing a man who had just a very small, finger-sized, protrusion where one of his arms should have been.

I was staring at him and then he stared back at me - his expression is seared into my memory and I haven’t done it since, as it made me realise the impact my actions were having on the person I was staring at. I guess it was his well rehearsed strategy for dealing with stares, which he must have been very used to.

I appreciate that your son might not be able to stare back, but perhaps you could? It makes the starer very uncomfortable and self-conscious.

Yanbu. My nearly 11 year old is a wheelchair user and we often have people (mainly adults) shouting at him, calling him a cripple and asking endless personal questions. It causes him to have a meltdown and then people start making comments about his behaviour too.

As a black woman, it is not unusual ( yes even in 2019) to have children stare at me or my hair or my child and her hair. It is not as bad as it was when I was growing up and now is largely limited to rural areas. I think children are naturally curious and will stare at something different. I have had friends/ family who have been very upset at this when we grew up in Yorkshire and a simple hello or a smile helps them to settle and also makes my dp not feel as self conscious ( she is 4).
I don't make a big deal about it and i am hoping my attitude is more positive than my mother or older sisters' who just growled and gave the poor kids the evil eye.

I worked in rural Yorkshire in the children's Emergency and heard kids ask about my skin as I examined them with their mortified parents apologising. I see it as an opportunity for education rather than anything else.

I find your request very strange, young children stare at other young children because they want to interact, to play. Why would you prefer your child to be ignored by his peers? Why would you want all children to ignore yours.

No I won't be teaching my children not to make eye contact with other children or try to be friendly to them. Your request is not the norm you are better teaching your child how to respond to other humans and their interactions than trying to protect it through isolating.

'it'

My autistic brother still hasn't learnt not to stare at people and he's in his late 30s. It's damn near impossible to get across to him when it's appropriate to look at people and when it isn't.

I'm sorry that your DC doesn't like being stared at but your OP assumes that he's the only person in the world with different needs to others and that's simply not true. Please try and be more understanding, we all have to share public spaces and not everyone copes with these things so easily

"you are better teaching your child how to respond to other humans and their interactions than trying to protect it through isolating."

Here is a little bit of education for you.
Some people have a disability which means that they really struggle with unwanted interactions from other people. They find it really distressing. My child finds it so distressing he may hurt himself or hurt the person trying to interact with him. Over the years knowledgeable people like those at his specialist school and myself have taught him to deal with it by removing himself from the situation. When he is in public places this is difficult because he can't just be allowed to walk away because he has no understanding of safety.
He isn't able to tell people to go away because he is non verbal and because when someone corners him he feels enormous anxiety.
He is not there for your child to practice their social skills and if you let your child be annoying and pester him when he is trying to look away or hide his face or cover his ears, and looks generally anxious, don't complain if your child gets thumped.