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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect people to teach their children not to stare?

143 replies

hennaoj · 13/04/2019 13:51

I'm fed up of adults letting their children stare at my Autstic 5 year old. When I was a child I was taught not to stare at disabled chidlren/people. He is tall for his age (wears age 7 clothing) and rather conspicuous in his special needs buggy or when he is stood around being him. He hates being stared at and it actually makes him more violent.

I've also had children insist on coming up close to him after being told not to by me and getting upset when he kicks out.

OP posts:
Poppy43 · 13/04/2019 21:21

My sibling has a learning disability and one of their 'symptoms?' (don't know how to explain that in a more politically correct way) is to stare. They were bullied relentlessly at school for this but I could see it was just their way of trying to understand the world (watching interactions of others, albeight, yes, staring)

mummyhaschangedhername · 13/04/2019 21:32

I have two children with ASD (and two NT children), they will often point out things that are different to what they have seen before, "look, that man has one leg" 🙈 ... I do explain to them and they don't ask again, but it's likely they would say something if they saw an older child in a pram. I work explain and tell them not to stare.

For the most part I do find most people quite tolerant, weirdly (or maybe not) the only time I got a lot of judgement was when I used to attend church.

I do appreciate it's difficult, my eldest with ASD hates being stated at. If he sees someone staring he will throw things at them 🙈, so I do get it, but I really don't think there is much you can do other than get a bit sign above his wheelchair saying not to stare.

Fiveredbricks · 13/04/2019 21:42

They're children OP, not adults. Some of them will be like your own child. Sadly it's just something you have to deal with and hopefully help your son learn some coping mechanisms as you cannot change the world. People will always stare.

GregoryPeckingDuck · 13/04/2019 21:46

I don’t think I’ve ever noticed my children staring. I think I must be very unobservant. Will make a note of it for future. Thank you for posting OP. This hasn’t actually occurred to me.

WorraLiberty · 13/04/2019 21:49

It's a tough one OP because kids don't learn these things overnight.

It may be that the parents have told them quietly not to stare and they're hoping that doesn't unleash a tonne of questions, that may make the immediate situation worse.

Having said that, kids stare at other kids. I've noticed this in playgrounds and on holiday. Usually because they want to play with the other child/join in the game they're playing.

They eventually learn that it can make people feel uncomfortable but it can take some time.

lauryloo · 13/04/2019 21:52

I think it's pretty normal for them to be curious though. My 5 year old lives with a disabled sibling, and can still stare out of curiosity. It's not malicious.

I have a 3 year old who constantly hand flaps and rocks in public, she's also in a wheelchair so we get a lot of looks.

stucknoue · 13/04/2019 22:02

It always important to remember that staring can be a learning opportunity. I've explained many times when dd was younger to kids of similar ages who are staring, perhaps alarmed by her behaviour what autism is - I remember around age 10, a girl said "she looks normal" so I was able to use this to help the girl understand hidden disabilities and differences.

Yabbers · 13/04/2019 22:42

I could move my children away and talk to them quietly away from the person but then I don't think that would show the OP that I was teaching my children not to stare. All she would see is staring child then staring child walking with parent to the next aisle.

I don’t need you to performance parent for me, I just need you to stop your child at that moment. You don’t have to shout “don’t stare and come here” Just “come on little jimmy, let’s go” You can choose to remind them later not to do it, or not, just get them out of DD’s face, that’s all I need.

MiniEggAddiction · 13/04/2019 22:46

YANBU. My DS in particular would naturally stare and loudly ask questions and I've been careful to explain to him why we shouldn't do this and have to remind him fairly often.

MiniEggAddiction · 13/04/2019 22:48

Not to hijack but does anyone have any advice for when your child does loudly ask questions about someone in public. (e.g. "why is that kid in a wheelchair?" "Why does that person look like that?" etc).

Hadenoughofitall441 · 13/04/2019 22:49

I always tell dd 6 not to stare, she does try but she’s very observant like me and she does find it hard. DS 11 is autistic and is often in a world of his own so doesn’t pay much attention to others whilst we are out. We were in Pizza Hut the other day and another lady was with her older autistic son ( around 14/15) and he was making loud noises, DS was fine until he got a hell of lot louder and banged the table which did scare him. He looked briefly but didn’t bother once he knew where the sound came from. My boy do3snt always seem autistic so it’s very rare we get people staring at us and if they do it’s because he’s freaking out about a wasp.

Passmethecrisps · 13/04/2019 22:49

My 6 year old is a total gawper and I am always reminding her not to. It is rude and I will keep reminding her not to until she properly understands and can control herself a little better.

This is one of the reasons I have always encouraged her to watch Something Special actually. She has asked questions or made remarks which, while innocent, would have been hideous for her to have said in public. It has allowed us to talk about physical differences and the individual needs of others.

I can understand small children staring when hey are seeing something for the first time but parents do need to manage it

Yabbers · 13/04/2019 22:50

So many people missing the point. It’s not about the kids staring, it is about the adults letting it happen and not doing anything to stop it.

“Cultural differences” does not explain away rudeness.

Passmethecrisps · 13/04/2019 22:52

mini I usually go with “people have all sorts of different bodies and needs.” Then move on quickly if we are in public. Or “bodies come in all shapes and sizes” has been used in the past.

Thankfully she learned from very young to be discreet in public so while she asks she does do it very quietly

MiniEggAddiction · 13/04/2019 22:53

So many people missing the point. It’s not about the kids staring, it is about the adults letting it happen and not doing anything to stop it.

This. OP wasn't suggesting the children were awful to stare - perfectly normal behaviour. She was complaining that the parents didn't stop them as you would think they should.

MiniEggAddiction · 13/04/2019 22:54

@Passmethecrisps

Thanks that's a really good phrase, I'll definitely steal it. DS just doesn't pick up on social niceties and is very curious so just never stops asking questions.

AppleBru · 13/04/2019 22:57

OP it is a tough one, I read your title thinking “my DD stares at everyone in a rude fashion, this is part of her ASD”
Sometimes we just forget ourselves that others may have issues too. We excuse our own children’s issues but we’re so consumed in that we forget to think of the possible others

WorraLiberty · 13/04/2019 22:59

Yabbers the PP wasn't talking about performance parenting, they were addressing the OP's point that the OP feels some parents don't teach their child not to stare.

They were pointing out that the OP wouldn't know they were indeed teaching their child, it's just that she wouldn't overhear it.

Yabbers · 13/04/2019 22:59

about someone in public. (e.g. "why is that kid in a wheelchair?" "Why does that person look like that?" etc).

“A lot of people can’t walk the same way as you do”

“Some people need a little help with......”

“Everybody is different is their own unique way”

“I’m not sure why, that’s just how some people look, like some people wear glasses or have brown hair, some are tall, some are short” etc etc.

Matter of fact, think at their level, don’t make an issue of it.

I will always mention things like snazzy wheelchair wheels etc.

I hear loads of kids saying they want a walking frame like DDs as it looks like fun.

Poppy43 · 13/04/2019 22:59

Parents are not always present, this happens in school too. My sibling would stare at everyone in the playground. Not one person ever asked to play. Children stare because they are curious and have yet to learn social norms.

Yabbers · 13/04/2019 23:02

@WorraLiberty

I won’t put words in the OPs mouth but I don’t think it’s about actually hearing it happen, it’s about stopping it happening right then and there.

I wish parents would teach their kids. But I don’t need them to make a song and dance about it right in front of me, just move them on.

edwinbear · 13/04/2019 23:02

YANBU OP. My NT 7 and 9 yr old know that’s it’s natural to look but rude to stare. And if they have questions or want to discuss, they can ask me once the child/person isn’t around.

WorraLiberty · 13/04/2019 23:04

Yes that's you Yabbers but I do think the PP was answering the OP's question.

"AIBU to expect people to teach their children not to stare?"

She was just pointing out that since she doesn't always explain in front of the person her child is staring at, it may look as though she's not explaining at all that staring is rude.

Or at least that's how I read it.

keepforgettingmyusername · 13/04/2019 23:05

'Not to hijack but does anyone have any advice for when your child does loudly ask questions about someone in public. (e.g. "why is that kid in a wheelchair?" "Why does that person look like that?" etc).'

If they don't look like they're hassled/in a rush then say 'why don't we ask them?', approach them and say hello, DD wanted
to meet you and ask what it's like to use a wheelchair if you don't mind? Some parents mind take exception but most will be used to it and will welcome the chance to educate.

keepforgettingmyusername · 13/04/2019 23:12

'DD always spots children with them, she doesn’t stare as such but will always mention it to me. She saw a documentary about them once and think they are so cool and the tech is amazing so was a bit obsessed by them and loves to show off her knowledge about them to me. 😄'

The tech genuinely is amazing, more than your DD could know - I have an app I can use to track my DSs volume level, find his processors etc if they get lost. It tells me how many hours a day he spends in speech. we can stream my voice through a mic, phone calls and YouTube directly to his implant - directly to his brain, really. Cuts out background noise.

I get really excited if someone asks me if he's deaf because it means they know what the CIs are and I don't have to listen to - what's wrong with that boy/ what's he got on his head, which I don't like. We can skip straight to the more civilised conversation about how amazing it is that he couldn't hear a thing but when he's wearing them he can hear a whisper and chat away to you like any kid!