DH says I have to do chores during my break from DC!

[SosigDog]

DH is out all day tomorrow doing a hobby. He’s taken DC out to the park and cafe for lunch today. I went back to bed. DH has woken me up to supervise DC while he gets dressed and uses the loo. He disturbed me again to pack DC’s bag. Then again to ask where DC’s outdoor clothes are.

As I waved them off I said “Lovely jubbly, I’m going to have a bubble bath and read a magazine”. “Er no” said DH, “You’ll do something useful like emptying the dishwasher or hoovering”.

AIBU to think that I should be able to lie in the bath if I want?! He certainly won’t be hoovering tomorrow on his day off so why should I hoover today on my day off?

We clearly have very different expectations and values safiya

I couldn't live in a relationship like yours. I value equality and my independence too much.

We both work full-time and we both value our careers . It's important we contribute equally to childcare and housework or it would never work.

One of the contributing factors to me returning to work was teaching my son that men and women can raise families and have fulfilling careers.

It isnt a man thing to not realise when kids need feeding, to get out of the housework mindset etc, it's a your man thing safiya. If you choose to accept that because you think the trade offs are worth it, that's fine, but don't delude yourself that this is some innate part of maleness.

I’m not saying anything is innate, I’m no psychologist. But, for instance, the suggestion above - “go off somewhere in your own without telling them where.” It alldounds di easy andall well and good, but if your gut feeling is that your baby might not be safe, how can you do this? What if he /she falls down the stairs or something because your DH isn’t able / prepared / practised at watching them properly or anticipating their next move? How could you relax with that knowledge?

Also, my DH would never have verbally snapped at the kids or lost his temper, but this is not the case with the OP’s DH, by the sound of it. So how can she just leave them to it?

Sure, I'm not saying there aren't some women who have procreated with men who are that inept, sometimes more than once. There are. It just isn't a man thing. It's an inept thing.

What if he /she falls down the stairs or something because your DH isn’t able / prepared / practised at watching them properly or anticipating their next move?

Oh come ON. An adult male who isn’t able to watch a baby

If your gut feeling is your baby isn’t safe with your husband you’ve got major problems.

What an arse.

I think you'd better start engineering an outside hobby too.

I’m not saying this to be controversial or anything like that. I couldn’t have left any if our 4 babies with DH. As I said, the first time I tried this, DS rolled off the bed. A second time, DD walked out the front door. This is no exagggeration. DH was mortified obviously, but I just couldn’t risk it. Also, he didn’t know anything about baby food. However, they’re not little forever and now that they’re older he does have more if a part in things - eg. he’ll genetally give them lifts at weekends or he’s happy to help with homework.

op wake him up nice and early tomorrow and tell him he has lots of chores to do before he can go

@safiya5
The more you write the worse it sounds.

1 year old still getting up during the night? Why?

FGS!! Because some just do! That's why!

Every time I read threads like this I wonder if female emancipation has actually progressed at all. I'm 46. I had DD at almost 40 and exDH is the same age. Right from the get go he was my equal, we have always shared childcare, chores and had equal free time. Now we've split it's still the same.As an older parent I utterly despair at what some younger women will let their partners get away with. I despair that younger men simply don't see their partners as equals, but rather as incubators and then unpaid nannies / housekeepers. I think that perpetuating this level of male entitlement is unacceptable and frankly your DH sounds like a prime example of an entitled male. Tell him things will change or fuck him off.

I'm in my 60s and a grandparent. I agree with the above post.

I'd have to leave someone who told my baby to shut up when crying .

I was hit by my "mother" as a toddler because I was crying. I still have problems completely due to that moment 40+ years later.

So many things.... where to start?

Firstly I find it so sad that the changes this man has seen in his life since his child was born is the financial cost and a few hours at the weekend. Otherwise his life is unchanged. I find it hard to swallow that any decent human being would tell a young child to shut up when they cry. It's testament to how little of a bond he must have with his child. Parenting is so much more than providing money. God forbid anything ever happen to op and he be the sole career of this child.

As for his ignorant attitude towards his wife - I'm surprised he has one. You deserve more respect and you should have enough respect for yourself to stand up to him or explain you won't be staying around.

@Whitechocandraspberry my one year old wakes through the night. we have the same bedtime routine each night. What I believe you are hinting at is sleep training. I don't agree with the ethos of that and so I will persevere until my baby is ready to sleep through. Btw I work full time and my housework is done though no doubt there's always something else that could be done.

I don’t know what sleep training is. I do know that most of my friends have not got their babies/3 year old children into a sleep routine and are actually putting their babies children to sleep and are up several times a night and think this is normal. A few of them are getting in sleep consultants. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture. People living with this and think it’s the norm is quite an eye opener

Perhaps you need to look beyond the end of your nose then. I'm aware of people whose children sleep through from early on and others who don't - I don't judge any of them. I'm acutely aware of what sleep deprivation does but that's a risk you take when having children.

Drum roll please my first ever....
LTB!!!!
He thinks it’s ok to boss you to do chores rather than relax
Can’t look after his own child
Apart from earning a lot enabling you to stay at home ( oh how I wish I was in your shoes ) what joy does he bring you ???

I’m not interested enough in “sleep training” to care to look further than my own nose I’m afraid.

I’m not interested enough in “sleep training” to care to look further than my own nose I’m afraid

Shame looking further than your own nose is reserved for judgement and scorn, eh? Must be tiresome for you.

I still get up in the night for the cats - I can’t sleep train them!

Babies and sleep is just one of those things you just have to go with imo. No two babies are the same. Also, if you’re BF, there’s no point in the DH getting up as well because what can he actually do? DH only woke up if they were ill. You just have to learn to get by on 2-3 hour blocks if sleep and nap in the day if you can. Once you’re out of it, it’s like a blur and you can’t remember anyway.

Please please please do not have anymore kids with this man. One day you're gonna wake up.

He's really reduced your expectations to practically zero. You need a stark realisation; this relationship will eventually grind you down to the point you'll get anxious, walk on eggshells and nothing you do will ever be enough so you'll try harder to be a better wife and mother to no avail.

Jacques and wats there is something wrong if a one year old baby is routinely getting up in the middle of the night. It’s not normal despite what you may think. Being rude because I have suggested it’s one of the issues says a little bit more about you. Why are you so bitter? Not enough sleep?

whitechoc it is absolutely normal for a one year old to still be getting up in the night...... actually there is no normal. Every baby is different.

You are at home all week! Just tidy, and the weekends are for you both to “fight” over. Sounds like a great relationship. Most people know who they are saddling themselves with, but hope it will change. It doesn’t!