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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH says I have to do chores during my break from DC!

227 replies

SosigDog · 13/04/2019 11:25

DH is out all day tomorrow doing a hobby. He’s taken DC out to the park and cafe for lunch today. I went back to bed. DH has woken me up to supervise DC while he gets dressed and uses the loo. He disturbed me again to pack DC’s bag. Then again to ask where DC’s outdoor clothes are.

As I waved them off I said “Lovely jubbly, I’m going to have a bubble bath and read a magazine”. “Er no” said DH, “You’ll do something useful like emptying the dishwasher or hoovering”.

AIBU to think that I should be able to lie in the bath if I want?! He certainly won’t be hoovering tomorrow on his day off so why should I hoover today on my day off?

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 13/04/2019 13:18

I’d have to look for a more reliable job and minimum wage won’t cover childcare

Why would your wage have to cover childcare? The childcare would be so you can both work - it’s a joint expense.

RussellSprout · 13/04/2019 13:19

The issue here isn't that you're DH is speaking to you like that, so much as you're not telling him to get to fuck straight away.

No way would I let someone, especially my partner, talk to me like that without challenging them back. Why are you letting him talk to you like that?

He won't walk over you if you don't let him.

Meandwinealone · 13/04/2019 13:19

he knows you’re trapped. That’s it really.
And if you got a full time job then he would be splitting in an equitable way the childcare costs with you 50/50

Original poster
SosigDog · 13/04/2019 13:20

The cost of childcare would exceed my salary. Jointly we’d have less money if I worked than we’d have if I stayed at home.

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 13/04/2019 13:23

The cost of childcare would exceed my salary. Jointly we’d have less money if I worked than we’d have if I stayed at home

But it’s still a joint expense. It isn’t you working to cover childcare.

Cherrysoup · 13/04/2019 13:23

He tells your child to shut up when he cries? Wtf?

Cannyhandleit · 13/04/2019 13:24

I would actually throw my shoe at my DP if he said that to me (I say this in jest obviously)! You are definitely entitled to some me time!

Meandwinealone · 13/04/2019 13:25

Depends if you see a job as a job or as a career.
He’s not someone who sees your worth in what you’re currently doing.
Perhaps think about doing some courses and use your free time to do something to better your career prospects.
And by that I mean you say, I am doing my course on Saturday so that’s my time and you’ll have to look after the kid

TurquoiseDress · 13/04/2019 13:27

YANBU!

WTF is this normal behaviour for him?

So on your "day off" you're expected to carry out domestic tasks etc??

What bullshit, surely it's home too so you should be sharing these chores between you both

TeddybearBaby · 13/04/2019 13:28

Do you want to go back to work then op?

Newmumma83 · 13/04/2019 13:32

If you want get a weekend job maybe ?

My job will barely cover childcare so going to give it a go but am considering polishing cv and looking for a weekend job for when oh is off she he can have baby and I can still bring brought to make
Ends meet ... I would discuss options with dh and point out cost of child care.
I would also ask hi
When you last had time for you where you
Wasn’t expected to
Use that doing household chores ... which is not time for you ...

exparrot · 13/04/2019 13:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EleanorLavish · 13/04/2019 13:38

He tells your small DC to shut up if they cry?
I genuinely cannot understand why you are with him? What do you say/do when he does that? I would go nuclear!

AFistfulofDolores1 · 13/04/2019 13:40

He doesn't sound like a very nice man at all, OP.

What did/do you see in him? What was your family like growing up? Was there anything there that suggests you've learned how to tolerate atrociously disrespectful and entitled behaviour? What's your father like?

downcasteyes · 13/04/2019 13:41

There is absolutely no way in hell I would tolerate my DH giving me orders like that. The tone is completely offensive.

Jux · 13/04/2019 13:42

Your post of 13:20:05, do the sums, show them to him, tell him you're going to start charging for your services if he doesn't pull his socks up. He is not your boss, he is not your employer, you are not his skivvy nor his housekeeper nor his nanny.

If he is incapable of looking after a child for 24 hours then he is not worth hanging on to.

You will have more disposable income yourself if you dump him. Not suggesting you do that (yet!) but worth pointig out to him.

aposterhasnoname · 13/04/2019 13:43

If my DH said that to me he’d be EXH before you could say “go fuck your self you controlling twat”.

lola006 · 13/04/2019 13:46

YANBU OP.

My DH took dd6 off to her sport over 2 hours ago, asking before he left what I planned to get up. I said a shower, a quick load of laundry and my book. His words were ‘have fun!’ I’m also a SAHM. You really do deserve better but I’m hoping this was absolute one-off for you and he’ll come home with an apology.

safiya5 · 13/04/2019 13:48

OP, this kind of behaviour when you have a one year old is not uncommon actually. I remember well, if my DH ever took our DC out when they were little, I’d still have to pack everything for them; hold them while he had his showers etc. I don’t know what it is, but they just don’t get it. They’re in a totally different mindset. They have no concept of not being able to go to the loo etc.

The first time I left DC1 in DH’s care he was 7 months old. DH let him roll off the bed onto a wooden floor. I couldn’t trust him with rolling / crawling DC around stairs because he just never had the instinct to anticipate anything. It’s all very well saying it’s “learned incompetence”,but you can’t leave you child at risk while they are “learning.”

To be fair to DH he works very hard and financially provides very well for us all so I can’t say he’s useless in all areas. Plus he would never speak to the DC the way it sounds as if yours does. “Shut up” - really? I’m not sure I could cope with that.

I have 4 DC now OP and two are teens. There is still an imbalance in that DH will go off and do hobbies for the day, but I don’t feel like I can just laze about if he’s at home. I feel as thought he’ll judge me for that. I feel as if I always need to “doing something” when he’s home and it is quite exhausting. However, I’ve leaned to compensate by taking my down time when he’s at work. He has always been in the habit of leaving me lists of things to do though, some of which are very random. He has never done laundry or hoovering or cleaned anything since I’ve ever known him, though he will faff in the garden if he’s in the mood. He has never cooked either and I can’t just serve him something quick like pasta or he will do the “woe is me” act or the slightly silent treatment. I don’t mind cooking and I have a cleaner twice a week so it’s not as if I’m always cleaning, but I still feel as if everything has to be done and the house immaculate when he gets home which, with 4 DC can be a battle some days, especially if they’ve had friends over. To be fair he wouldn’t care if I had the cleaner more often though. He doesn’t care as long as stuff is done.

So, I guess what I’m saying is, these habits are insidious and my advice to you would be to nip it in the bud now, while you can. And definitely never let him tell your DC to “shut up.”

Whitechocandraspberry · 13/04/2019 13:49

1 year old still getting up during the night? Why?

Bumpitybumper · 13/04/2019 13:51

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss
You arent doing childcare, you're just parenting. If he paid for professional childcare it would be very different as he would be paying for a service including educational aspect plus he wouldn't be supporting that adults every cost in life. He'd also have another salary in the house with the second adult working
How on earth do you know what OP is doing and how it compares to paid childcare? You imply the fact that she is a parent means that it must be inferior, but lots of SAHPs (including myself) see what they do as superior to formal childcare. It's not an uncommon view and is often a key motivating factor as to why people choose to be SAHPs in the first place.

The way I see it is that having a SAHP is a model that families should adopt only when both parents are satisfied that both parties are contributing equally but in different ways. It's clear from your post that you don't think OP is contributing the same as her DH hence she shouldn't be entitled to half his salary. I would suggest you, like OP's husband by the sounds of it, shouldn't adopt the SAHP model as it is likely to breed resentment and bad feeling.

NerrSnerr · 13/04/2019 13:51

@Whitechocandraspberry many 1 year olds still get up in the night. My 2 year old still gets up in the night.

MamehaSan · 13/04/2019 13:52

@Whitechocandraspberry because some do Hmm

GabsAlot · 13/04/2019 13:55

you dont trust him and he just shouts at your dc

sounds like a right catch

jelliebelly · 13/04/2019 13:55

Your dh sounds like an arse and if you carry on like this he will simply continue to take advantage - did he even want dc?