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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH says I have to do chores during my break from DC!

227 replies

SosigDog · 13/04/2019 11:25

DH is out all day tomorrow doing a hobby. He’s taken DC out to the park and cafe for lunch today. I went back to bed. DH has woken me up to supervise DC while he gets dressed and uses the loo. He disturbed me again to pack DC’s bag. Then again to ask where DC’s outdoor clothes are.

As I waved them off I said “Lovely jubbly, I’m going to have a bubble bath and read a magazine”. “Er no” said DH, “You’ll do something useful like emptying the dishwasher or hoovering”.

AIBU to think that I should be able to lie in the bath if I want?! He certainly won’t be hoovering tomorrow on his day off so why should I hoover today on my day off?

OP posts:
Whitechocandraspberry · 13/04/2019 13:59

I don’t understand why. A sleep routine is so important. They might be able to sort out housework between them then. What would OP do if she worked full time as well? When would the housework get done. She’s at home

HugoBearsMummy · 13/04/2019 14:01

DH won’t remember to cook lunch and he’s likely to just say “shut up” if DC cries.

What the actual fuck?? Telling a 1 year old to shut up if they cry?? Sorry but I'd smack DH in the gob if he dared treat my children like that. And not feed them?? That's neglect.
Seriously reconsider a future with a man who treats you both so despicably.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 13/04/2019 14:01

He insisted it was unpleasant for DC to be in the bathroom while he does #2

Since a 1 year old is still having its shitty nappies changed by an adult, I'd say it's only fair...

Goodadvice1980 · 13/04/2019 14:02

I fond these posts like the OP's so depressing Sad

How on earth do men like this get women to breed with them? The "D"H sounds awful Sad

SleepingSloth · 13/04/2019 14:03

I actually worry about DC’s well-being and safety if I disappear for a whole day. DH won’t remember to cook lunch and he’s likely to just say “shut up” if DC cries.

I'm a bit lost for words after reading this and your other posts. He doesn't sound like someone worth being in a relationship with and he's a bit of a shit dad on top of that. He'd have to make some big changes if he wanted me to be his wife. Pull him up on his behaviour for the benefit of both you and your children.

LimeKiwi · 13/04/2019 14:04

Er no” said DH, “You’ll do something useful like emptying the dishwasher or hoovering”

Sorry, I actually lolled. If my DH said that I'd assume he was joking taking that tone and "instruction!"
I'd laugh, say "yeah funny" and if it turned out he actually was serious I'd tell him to get tae fuck Grin
and have an extra lonnnnng bath to piss him off

kaytee87 · 13/04/2019 14:06

He sounds like an absolute cunt. He would shout 'shut up' at a crying 1yo and 'forget' to give them lunch. LTB

iklboo · 13/04/2019 14:06

The OP does do the housework. The issue is that her DH told her to 'do something useful' knowing full well he's pissing out on a jolly all day tomorrow and has no idea how to parent his children because OP does everything.

And yes, sleep routines are important. Unfortunately one year olds don't know that and sometimes wake up.

Cannyhandleit · 13/04/2019 14:08

@Whitechocandraspberry wow, you are a dick!

JeremyCorbynsCoat · 13/04/2019 14:10

He sounds like an arsehole.

My dp has taken our 3 boys to a play area and has text to make sure I'm actually having some chill out time.

He's never told our 1 year old to shut up. If he did I'd tell him to pack his bags and fuck off

kaytee87 · 13/04/2019 14:10

@Whitechocandraspberry if op was working full time then no one would be in the house to make a mess. Being at home with a child generates far more house work than being at work and your child being in childcare getting their meals etc there.

Namechange8471 · 13/04/2019 14:11

Why are you with this idiot?

AWishForWingsThatWork · 13/04/2019 14:13

What’s less fair is him sleeping every night “for work” while I haven’t slept since I got pregnant. And him thinking the weekend is one day where we share DC and chores followed by one day when he’s totally free. He’s booked a week off work and is already talking about what he’s going to do, none of which includes taking 50% of my household responsibilities so I get half of the holiday.

YOur DH is a dick. He's not nice. he thinks you should be on call 24/7 while he is working hours only plus bullying you into doing chores on what should be your down time ... which he's happy to claim for himself.

Please don't have additional children with this arsehole unless this mentality is changed immediately. I would tell him he'll be home tomorrow doing chores since that's he expects you to do when you're having a tiny break from it all ... oh wait ... you're not.

Seriously, he's an arsehole. YOu'd be better off finding a paying job and telling him he'll be paying for childcare, too, and doing half the pick ups, drop offs and sick days, and half the household ad childcare chores. That will sort his attitude out.

LovelyJubbly67 · 13/04/2019 14:14

What an absolute arsehole... wait a couple of years then find a man who'll actually appreciate you and with whom you can have more children. The current wanker is not worthy.

HalyardHitch · 13/04/2019 14:18

It's very normal for a one year old to wake at night. And it's also very unfair to derail the thread with something so petty

Yabbers · 13/04/2019 14:30

OP, this kind of behaviour when you have a one year old is not uncommon actually. I remember well, if my DH ever took our DC out when they were little, I’d still have to pack everything for them; hold them while he had his showers etc. I don’t know what it is, but they just don’t get it. They’re in a totally different mindset. They have no concept of not being able to go to the loo etc.

Not uncommon based on your and OP’s experience.

You can’t possibly say “they” don’t get it, insinuating it’s a man/dad thing.

In my experience “they” do get it, when they are the kind of partners who work as a team and understand what a family is about. We’re too quick to assume it’s something “they” aren’t capable of or are unwilling to do. DH has done this right from the start, and didn’t need any reminding or coaching to do it, because he is a responsible grown up who can see what needs done and manages to do it with no help from me. He can’t be the only one like that.

AlmostAlwyn · 13/04/2019 14:33

My two year old still wakes in the night too! Not sure what the problem is with that?

OP, it sounds like you need to have a chat about expectations, and give your OH more time with the baby. The more you do, the more he'll expect you to do.

INeedNewShoes · 13/04/2019 14:33

Don't feel trapped in this relationship.

If you were to split, you would probably receive enough tax credits/universal credit to cover childcare costs. I think currently around 80% of DD's nursery costs are covered by tax credits that we receive based on the childcare I pay for.

There are ways to make things work if you have to.

Whitechocandraspberry · 13/04/2019 14:38

Haylardhitch

Not normal to be waking at night at 1 year old and I think you will find that there are a number of issues highlighted in this thread including sleep issues, housework sahp, working parent and days off. For some reason the ops other half is expecting her to do housework while he is out with kid. That would suggest that it’s an issue!!!

confusedandemployed · 13/04/2019 14:46

Every time I read threads like this I wonder if female emancipation has actually progressed at all.
I'm 46. I had DD at almost 40 and exDH is the same age. Right from the get go he was my equal, we have always shared childcare, chores and had equal free time. Now we've split it's still the same.
As an older parent I utterly despair at what some younger women will let their partners get away with. I despair that younger men simply don't see their partners as equals, but rather as incubators and then unpaid nannies / housekeepers. I think that perpetuating this level of male entitlement is unacceptable and frankly your DH sounds like a prime example of an entitled male. Tell him things will change or fuck him off.

SlappingJoffrey · 13/04/2019 14:51

So he gets to do a hobby during his childfree time, but you have to clean during yours? That'll be a no. He sounds awful.

blackteasplease · 13/04/2019 14:51

OP are you married to my exh? I didn't think he had remarried but your h sounds exactly like him.

Couldn't bare for me to have any down time or catch up sleep. Busy telling me what housework to do whilst not doing it himself. I was full time wohm too.

Note he's an ex!

CostanzaG · 13/04/2019 14:55

safiya don't go round saying 'they' don't get it. It's absolute bullshit.

A dad that pulls his weight from day one does get it. A man that can hold down a job can figure out what a baby might need on a day to day basis.

Some men choose not to get it. Usually for purely misogynistic reasons.

Fruityfruitcake · 13/04/2019 15:01

He sounds vile. If I'd said to my DH that I was going to have a bath he'd be up there running it for me before I'd chance. Unbelievable what some people put up with.

JacquesHammer · 13/04/2019 15:04

“Men don’t get it” is another version of “boys will be boys”.

Excusing poor behaviour due to penis ownership.

IME decent men very much DO get it. The ones that don’t simply choose not to because they’re excused from any responsibility.

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