DH says I have to do chores during my break from DC!

[SosigDog]

DH is out all day tomorrow doing a hobby. He’s taken DC out to the park and cafe for lunch today. I went back to bed. DH has woken me up to supervise DC while he gets dressed and uses the loo. He disturbed me again to pack DC’s bag. Then again to ask where DC’s outdoor clothes are.

As I waved them off I said “Lovely jubbly, I’m going to have a bubble bath and read a magazine”. “Er no” said DH, “You’ll do something useful like emptying the dishwasher or hoovering”.

AIBU to think that I should be able to lie in the bath if I want?! He certainly won’t be hoovering tomorrow on his day off so why should I hoover today on my day off?

I think if you’re with a man who automatically gets up in the night from day one, does housework without being asked, etc, it’s essy to say “Oh mine did all this, therefore they all can, so just tell him.” But some men are not like this, so the question is what do you do? No woman would leave her child in a situation where they felt the DH wasn’t tuned in enough. You can’t tell them to do everything, every single time. Some of it needs to come naturally or you’ll drive yourself crazy. And it’s so stressful worrying about the baby, it’s not worth it.

He sounds awful. Could you maybe do a chore chart or something? When does the house cleaning beyond laundry and dishes get done? He sounds demanding and selfish.

safiya I wouldn't have children with a man like that. And if he suddenly turned into a misogynistic twat once we'd had children I'd make it clear it wasn't acceptable. If he wasn't willing to be an equal partner then he doesn't get to be my partner.

I wouldn't want my children growing up with such a poor role model.

I agree with you, OP. If he's off doing his hobby all day tomorrow, he's on childcare/housework all day today. Which means you have time off and can spend it however you like.

...unless he wants to insist that whoever has time off from the kids must be doing productive work instead. I'd love to hear what hobby of his is as productive as the hoovering.

Essentially, what goes for you, also goes for him. He can't have it both ways.

You can’t tell them to do everything, every single time

Which is why the cycle continues. And women yet again become the drudges.

Constanza - I don’t disagree with you, but what I would say is that there’s more to a relationship than who does or doesn’t do housework or most of the childcare. You could get men who do all this, but they’re still crap husbands because they’re lazy, dishonest or stingy, for instance. Also, not doing housework does not automatically mean you must be a misogynist. Similarly, not all men (or women for that matter) take naturally to babies, but they do come into their own when the children get a little older. Sometimes you have to compensate for each other in a relationship.

If a grown adult can't 'get it,' after being shown and/or using Google, at some level, consciously or unconsciously, they don't want to get it. Although you do seem to get cases where the mum doesn't genuinely want them to excel in 'their' territory. My DH does 'get it' but there were a number of times in DD's first year where I had to say plainly 'I do not automatically know how to do this stuff because I am female. If I don't know, I ask someone or look it up. You can do that too'. The 'where do WE keep the wipes etc'. Honestly. If WE keep them somewhere, why don't WE know?

Safiya but i think it very much depends on why someone is choosing not to do housework or childcare.....I can think of very few excuses that would hold any water with me tbh.
Saying 'they just don't get it' is not a reasonable excuse.

Of course not everyone takes naturally to babies but not giving your partner a break or not knowing what to pack in a bag doesn't require any maternal or paternal instinct. It's kindness and common sense.

It also depends what is important to you and what values you want your children to learn. I want my son to grow up seeing mummy and daddy in caring roles and pulling their weight around the house. It is important to us that they are not seen as gender specific.

That’s fair enough Constanza. Yes I can see the value in raising DC to not see certain tones as gender specific. I haven’t been able to do that really as DH is away a fair bit and works very long hours, so I can’t really ask much of him when he’s at home. But if we both worked, it might well have been different.

Missing the point slightly (and yes he's a selfish prick in case there is any doubt) but does no one have a playpen (maybe known as a travel cot in the UK?)/car carrier/cot/crib/etc. that can hold a one-year-old for the time it takes you to have a shit? Maybe it's a US vs. UK thing (I moved to the UK from the US when my kids were already in school) but I always had a playpen set up as a place to chuck the baby for long enough to answer the door or use the toilet. They didn't always love it but they could deal with it for five minutes and the house was baby-proofed enough that they couldn't do too much damage if they magically heaved themselves over the side within the tiny amount of time they were unsupervised.
Do you sit with them in the same room until they fall asleep when they go down for a nap? How do you take a shower? I sometimes think that my American-style parenting would have had most of you on the phone to social services if I'd raised my babies here.

Safiya Then surely it's even more important he pitches in when he's home? Seeing as though you are left doing it all while he's away....

I have been a SAHM for over a decade. With baby brain I had a checklist of items for the baby bag mainly because I had learnt the hard way when out and realised I had forgotten something. Dh would check this list when packing the bag to take Ds1 out.

I think that with Dh, we deliberately made sure I went out to allow Dh to build a relationship with Ds but also so there is not another parent around to hold the crying baby whilst you need the toilet/shower/prepare food. You learn to do it single handed because you have to.

As a SAHM I did that, Dh had to learn not to rely on me because I wasn't there. It was important to him as his own Dad had been quite distant and hands off as a parent and he wanted to be a full hands on Dad.

On weekends one of us would have a lie in, pre-agreed. There are still a lot of hours for "family time" which can often mean the working parent spends no real length of time alone with the child.

People saying oh I couldn't possibly leave my baby with my Dh because he wouldn't know how to look out for X or feed them. Let's hope you are never hospitalised or have to sit with a relative in hospital for days at a time. Because your Dh would have to learn to do this. It is this attitude that means some men just defer to their DW/DP every time like somehow the baby came with a manual that only women can read FFS.

I think you should go to counselling with him. He certainly thinks he's the boss of you. He should be doing at least one night at the weekend so you can catch up on your sleep.
He sounds like an escapee from the 1950s. I wouldn't, and didn't, put up with this. My DP shares the household tasks like laundry equally

They kind of get “out of the loop” Constanta. Also, he wants to rest when he’s home - I can’t really ask him to vacuum when he’s off a long-haul flight. If I wanted more help, I always had to pay for it, rather than ask him. Also some men are from cultures where such things are indeed seen as “women’s work”. It’s not that it’s not valued as such, it’s just more if a stigma if they do that sort of stuff.

Snuffalo my thought was also “surely a 1 year old is still sleeping in a cot and can be put in there while Daddy has a poo”. Our DS has always been a very talented climber, agile beyond his years, but he was in his cot till a couple of months after turning 2, and never managed to climb out of it before that. Yes, he might have complained about being put in it but he’d have been safe and got over it. We also used to put him in the Jumperoo to get things done

'They' certainly do 'get it', unless they're thick as shit or have learning difficulties. If they are neither of those things then they certainly get it, they just don't want t - because they are nasty fuckers.

Anyone with a partner who 'doesn't get it', you can ask them "which are you? A man with learning difficulties, a thick dolt or just a nasty fucker?" They'll be one of those.

Division of domestic labour aside OP, how do you really feel about a man whose ONLY response to his own son crying is to shout at him to “shut up”? (I am not talking about a parent at the end of his or teyher who tries everything to soothe a baby and then turns away and shouts “shut uuup!”to the heavens. We’ve all been there. But for “shut up” to be his first and only response is pretty heinous. Nobody who loves a baby would act like that. Ditto not feeding him- that’s not male ineptitude, it’s neglect. There is nothing inherent in being a working man that gives him any sort of excuse or justification for either of these behaviours. Do not laugh this off, it is fucking serious.

They kind of get “out of the loop”
Nah...crap excuse. I travel regularly but i don't forget how to parent my child or how to do a bit of housework. I also don't turn into a lazy fucker.

he wants to rest when he’s home - I can’t really ask him to vacuum when he’s off a long-haul flight
And when do you get to rest?
Erm yes you can! why ever not?

I always had to pay for it, rather than ask him.

Well that is shit. Do you pay for it or is it joint money?

Also some men are from cultures where such things are indeed seen as “women’s work”. It’s not that it’s not valued as such, it’s just more if a stigma if they do that sort of stuff.

I hate this even more than laziness. This is deep rooted misogyny and is disgusting. It needs addressing and eradicating not acceptance. I could not be married to someone who thought like this. Grrr it makes me rage!!

I've read the first 100 posts and I would recommend that you and your H (he definitely doesn't deserve the DH title just yet) have a conversation. He tells you to do chores while he gets to continue having the 'single man' lifestyle? No way. When he gets home he shares the chores throughout the house. That means laundry/dishwasher/being a full time parent to his child and anything else that gets split 50/50.

I'd recommend taking up a hobby or getting out to meet friends. To start with, leave as soon as he gets home and say that his and your child's dinner is in the kitchen and then go out. Go to the cinema if you like to begin with. A few hours at a time.

He really doesn't sound like a life partner. More like a partner of convenience (for him). He gets to look like the Disney Dad to people outside the family and then he barks commands at you "Empty the dishwasher!", "Where is my clean shirt?" etc. etc. etc.

If you're doing most of the night time waking, invest in earplugs. Get him to get up.

My DH did middle of the night feeds on both of our children, and he went out to work, while I was on maternity leave. He is by no means unique or wonderful for doing it. It was his child he was getting up for. I was exhausted and did the day time stuff when he was out at work. We shared the load. We were both tired. We've both survived.

Please have a conversation with your H about how you want to carry on. This is not a great role model for your child to see.

@Snuffalo yes playpens are available here, ours even had a little door. Ideal for toileting on my own with the simple addition of Cbeebies

You deserve a rest. Just do whatever you want to today and tell him if hes not happy with the house he can clean and tidy it himself. Does he ever do any hoilusework at all?
Being a stay at home mum doesn't mean you are respomsible for all the housework. It just means you are at home looking after your child and its certainly not an easy option. You are entitled to some down time too.

“Er no” said DH, “You’ll do something useful like emptying the dishwasher or hoovering”

Stop reading books from 1950, please. He is NOT the boss of you.
I mean. He can't even parent his own child while getting ready to go out for the morning.

Constanza - I do understand what you’re saying, but all I can say to you is I’ve never really felt able to ask DH to help with housework or to take over with the DC. I don’t even know whether he’d do it or not, but it’s more that he wouldn’t expect to be asked. I know that probably sounds terrible to some people, but that’s me just being honest. On the other hand, there are things he would never ask or expect me to do - eg. return to work and put DC in childcare. I’ve never had to ask for money for anything and have access to all finances. I personally couldn’t be in a relationship with separate finances, but it seems many people do. DH is kind, honest and he’s not lazy. If he was lazy or selfish in other ways, I wouldn’t be with him.

Anyway, the reason I got into all this was because maybe the OP could weigh up what her DH does bring to the marriage against what he doesn’t, You can have a balance without having to take turns at the same things, in other words. I was just trying to look at the wider context, rather than his words this morning in isolation

Having said that, I would be livid if DH ever told the DC to “shut up” as the OP describes. That’s horrible. I’m not sure how I wouid deal with that, to be honest.

@safiya5
I'm finding your emails a little sexist.

I forgot to feed my child once, I am a woman. I only remembered when I was hungry, that he may need food, He was about 3 or 4 months.

I never really got up the times my children cried at night because I go to bed to sleep. Not to listen for babies. Luckily DH was a light sleeper.

He’s not the boss of me. I’m in the bath whether he likes it or not!
Good for you SosigDog

He sounds clueless!

Next time you have a day off get up as early as you can, throw on something comfy (which you've prepared the day before) and go off somewhere on your own without telling him where. Maybe your Mum’s or good friend where you can a) nap a bit then b) have a relaxing few hours?

Put your phone on silent and there's no need for them to say where you are if he phones them!