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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH says I have to do chores during my break from DC!

227 replies

SosigDog · 13/04/2019 11:25

DH is out all day tomorrow doing a hobby. He’s taken DC out to the park and cafe for lunch today. I went back to bed. DH has woken me up to supervise DC while he gets dressed and uses the loo. He disturbed me again to pack DC’s bag. Then again to ask where DC’s outdoor clothes are.

As I waved them off I said “Lovely jubbly, I’m going to have a bubble bath and read a magazine”. “Er no” said DH, “You’ll do something useful like emptying the dishwasher or hoovering”.

AIBU to think that I should be able to lie in the bath if I want?! He certainly won’t be hoovering tomorrow on his day off so why should I hoover today on my day off?

OP posts:
Original poster
SosigDog · 13/04/2019 12:34

It was fair in the past - my additional chores equalled his additional working hours and we both had evenings and weekends free. And it’s fair now, assuming I do the chores while he’s at work.

What’s less fair is him sleeping every night “for work” while I haven’t slept since I got pregnant. And him thinking the weekend is one day where we share DC and chores followed by one day when he’s totally free. He’s booked a week off work and is already talking about what he’s going to do, none of which includes taking 50% of my household responsibilities so I get half of the holiday.

OP posts:
Calzone · 13/04/2019 12:35

I don’t like your husband.

He’s mean.

howabout · 13/04/2019 12:36

I am a SAHM. My DD2 was scared of the hoover until she was 5. My DH used to do it for me at the weekend, with DD1 who is a Daddy's girl and likes the hoover, while DD2 and I went to the park. Blush

YABU to expect your DS to follow your DH to the bathroom if you are around as he is probably far more inclined to just go and annoy you if you are around - I wouldn't have bothered actively waking up.

Your DH is Absolutely Unreasonable to expect you to do anything other than switch off completely from house and DS if he deigns to take him to the Park (unless your DS is terrified of the hoover?) 24/7 all day every day is very very hard work. Brew Cake Flowers

Lahlahfizzyfizzydoda · 13/04/2019 12:37

Just seen!

Bluntness100 · 13/04/2019 12:39

I don't understand, who cleans your house? It's not you. You do laundry,cooking and dishes, and it doesn't seem to be him either? Who cleans the loos, hoovers, dusts etc, if neither of you do it?

Either way I can't imagine a scenario where my husband spoke to me like that. But we are both grown ups, we both see what needs doing, and we both get it done, we have never argued about chores.

CostanzaG · 13/04/2019 12:39

So he can manage to hold down a professional and demanding job yet can't care for his child?? Wow.

If my DH ever told me to do chores I wouldn't be there when he got home.
I think it's time he started to do his own washing.....

Original poster
SosigDog · 13/04/2019 12:39

I'd expect DH to do jobs whilst home alone if they needed doing and he hadn't done them the day before
I did do the jobs yesterday. And the day before. Funnily enough they need doing every day. There are two weekend days and if he’s having one I expect the other one. The fact that his job pays money while mine doesn’t is irrelevant. Maybe I should start charging half of his salary for doing the childcare that frees him up to work. Then I could contribute the same money to the pot that he does.

OP posts:
Lweji · 13/04/2019 12:41

DH won’t remember to cook lunch

But he will remember to eat, no?

I do think you should leave him in charge for a full day occasionally. Go shopping, be with friends or a hobby.

Also, try to go back to work.

Another thing is to work alongside eachother. Tell him to do laundry if you're emptying the dishwasher, for example. Make him wake up nights on the weekend.

The laundry itself is not a problem if he does his fair share. It can work well if each person is responsible for different jobs in the home. But not if you're responsible for all.
It looks like he can give orders and demand but not actually do much. That's not right.

If he resists, he could always manage his own home on his own, plus the child on his own alternative weekends.

billybagpuss · 13/04/2019 12:41

It’s taken 25 years for DH to realise that I get annoyed using my days off for housework and he plans his hobby around his. Not quite sure what’s triggered the change but since some point last year he’s def stepped up

Meandwinealone · 13/04/2019 12:48

Seriously just go back to work. Share childcare costs. He doesn’t respect you. And he never has. It shouldn’t have mattered that your job brought in less money than his. Or he worked more hours. He would still have to clean and do his washing if he was single.
Basically you’re an unpaid housekeeper and childminder.

Hearhere · 13/04/2019 12:48

In the Minds of many men household chores are the women's equivalent to men's hobbies
This is what feels natural to him, women naturally gravitate towards woman's work whereas men gravitate towards men's things like hobbies

Newmumma83 · 13/04/2019 12:48

Only a new mum with a 4.5 year old but I am feeling rather spoilt, if course he doesn’t sleep through the night and I do pretty much all cooking / cleaning and am starting to try to find time for gardening too .. in nap times on the days I stay in with son ( expected to visit family members weekly and usually a full morning or afternoon ) but weekends husband will get up for night feeds ( ok so I wake up to but get to go back to sleep ) he let me lay in the morning and while I hovered sorted washing out he empty’s the dishwasher , he also cooked last night ... as it’s the weekend ... weekend is family time so we will do a few jobs together and relax today and play with son and tomorrow we are at his mums ... then I am back in charge of everything ... but he offers to help.

Saying that midweek he is another child 🧒.. leaves his clothes all over the place ... doesn’t pick up after himself but while I am may leave I can help .... we are stuffed when I go back to work full time though. 😬😬

Newmumma83 · 13/04/2019 12:48

4.5 month old not year old 😂❤️

Newmumma83 · 13/04/2019 12:50

I made oh pack my sons bag the other week when he said how easy it was to get out of house ... thought he needed to think about what was needed ... if I am ill and husband needs to take over he needs to know what to back and prep for our little dude x

ItWentInMyEye · 13/04/2019 12:51

Wow he sounds awful. Please still be in the bath when he gets home.

rwalker · 13/04/2019 12:52

I think just say " I don't begrudge you a day tomorrow you shouldn't begrudge me a few hours today" . No need to start a war we can all be guilty of thinking we are doing more than the other one .

Yabbers · 13/04/2019 12:53

This entirely depends on whether you do your fair share of the chores?

He’s the kind of man who can’t get himself and two small children ready for a day out. Does he sound like the kind of man who does the lion’s share of housework.

A conversation needs to be had with him about what is fair and reasonable. OP is just as entitled to a day off as he is and he needs to understand that.

Sexnotgender · 13/04/2019 12:59

He sounds like a massive knob.

Sounds like he needs a lot more practice at looking after his child!
How dare he speak to you like that, who does he think he is?!

Xyzzzzz · 13/04/2019 12:59

Have you thought about going back to work. Might do you both some good and he could learn to appreciate you. It seems like he doesn’t appreciate everything you do.

WhyTho · 13/04/2019 13:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LakieLady · 13/04/2019 13:09

“You’ll do something useful"??? angryangry If my DH ever spoke to me like that he'd come home to find not only no chores done, but I might just make a little more mess just to make my point!! Who does he think he is?!“

On a bad day, that might just lead to me being motivated to tidy up his scrotum, with a sharp knife.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 13/04/2019 13:09

Maybe I should start charging half of his salary for doing the childcare

That argument always makes me laugh.

You arent doing childcare, you're just parenting. If he paid for professional childcare it would be very different as he would be paying for a service including educational aspect plus he wouldn't be supporting that adults every cost in life. He'd also have another salary in the house with the second adult working.

He shouldn't be rude though, it doesn't excuse that.

Original poster
SosigDog · 13/04/2019 13:15

Work will be tricky. Previously I was on a zero hour contract, hours were unreliable and rarely full time, I sometimes went in and got sent home. I can’t turn up at nursery an hour after dropping off and say sorry actually I’m not working today after all, can I have my child back because I’m not earning any money to pay you today. Ditto if they want me to work for example 10-3 on a particular day, I’d be paying for a full days childcare but only getting 5hrs pay. Even worse if they want me to work a split shift. I’d have to look for a more reliable job and minimum wage won’t cover childcare.

OP posts:
willowmelangell · 13/04/2019 13:17

Announce you have a job, 9-7, Sat and Sun! Woohoo!

Original poster
SosigDog · 13/04/2019 13:18

If he paid for professional childcare it would be very different as he would be paying for a service including educational aspect
So you’re saying my childcare at home isn’t as good as putting the child in nursery or childminder? And thus is worth less per hour?

he wouldn't be supporting that adults every cost in life
If I charged him half his salary he wouldn’t have to support any costs for me. I’d have the same money as him and could pay my way.

OP posts:
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